Husband and a colleague

[appleNblackberry]

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

[Hemlet]

Those of you saying 'you don't trust your man if you won't allow him to go on a date for an evening meal with a woman', just makes me think that you can't care very much about your man and whether he cheats or not.

Right to say if he cheats he's not worth having, but if you don't care what the hell he gets up to then he's not going to think you care very much about him. In all honesty if I told my husband I was going for dinner with a bloke I had just met and he had no problem with it, I'd think he didn't love me or care very much at all.

[appleNblackberry]

Thanks Taffeta.

[IsThatTrue]

Yy compos

[Thisisaeuphemism]

I think you're right to be concerned. I would be most unhappy if dh went to dinner with a woman he's spent all day with and for no apparent purpose but to have fun withher while I'm sat at home...

[appleNblackberry]

Compos I dont think hes hell bent on having one.

[MsVestibule]

its the other intimacy that hurts I am sure some would agree?? Whether we're reasonable or not, I do agree with you. DH goes out every week with his male friends. I know they only talk about golf and football, but of course it wouldn't bother me if he wanted to talk to them about emotional stuff.

However, I wouldn't want him talking about that sort of stuff with another woman. As I say, may be I am being U, but that's the way I feel.

[LightTheLampNotTheRat]

OP yes I think I understand the 'other' intimacy you mean - the shared understanding, jokes, knowledge about each other's lives? But speaking for myself, I have a few friends who I have that kind of intimacy with - male and female. DH does too. We spend a lot of time together, but I'm not convinced we have to spend every single evening together. When you have little kids and are often at home, it's nice to be out!

Does your DH have other types of contact with the colleague he's meeting - texting, facebook, etc?

[FeistyLassie]

I'm surprised how many people would have an issue with this. I wouldn't give it a second's thought. Now I'm wondering if I'm naive I often meet male friends/colleagues/ex-colleagues for lunch or dinner. Sometimes dh will come too but usually he doesn't. Equally he'll meet his female friends/colleagues for a catch up.

If you're going to be tempted by a colleague it will happen during working hours. Banning lunches or dinners won't make any difference.

[appleNblackberry]

thanks Msvest.

[MooncupGoddess]

Usually I am a great defender of men's right to have female friends... but this is a bit odd. Presumably he sees her loads during the day and they could go out for lunch/a quick drink if they wanted to chat/slag off their colleagues. It's not like he's meeting up with an old female friend who he only sees once or twice a year.

I am single and sometimes have drinks/dinner with old male friends who are now married. I don't think twice about it, but if a newish married male colleague suggested dinner I would be disconcerted.

[HazardLamps]

" I can't for the life of me imagine a scenario where I'd go out for a meal with just one of the male colleagues while his wife looked after their kids. I just can't."

You'd let someone else's domestic arrangements dictate how you led your own life and who you socialise with? Wow.

[IsThatTrue]

helmet it's not at all not caring. It's the fact I see the need for both myself and DH to have (platonic) relationships outside of our marriage. And me being possessive and dictating who/when he can/can't see somebody isn't going to help our relationship. And it's not going to stop him if he does want to cheat.

I was devastated when my XH left me, my whole world was turned upside down. But was there anything I could have done to change the fact he was a lying arsehole? No. Will being suspicious of DH make him less likely to cheat? No. What it is more likely to do is out cracks in our relationship because I'm being a possessive bitch. (Not saying you are a possessive bitch op but generalising for the sake of my arguement)

[appleNblackberry]

It was her actually cancelling twice that seemed strange?

[olibeansmummy]

I wouldn't be happy tbh. Dh gas had lunch with female colleagues as part of his working day and that's fine, but dinner and drinks alone in the evening is different...

[MichelleRooJnr]

I'm really surprised how many people have a problem with this.
DH and I both regularly have nights out with colleagues/friends of opposite sex.
I don't understand how people can say "I trust him" but then have an issue with this kind of thing.
It suggests a belief that once married, spouses shouldn't develop any new friendships!?
How strange
I am still a person who sometimes meets people I like and enjoy spending time with.
I guess there's I trust him and I trust him...happily I genuinely trust my DH. And he me.

[DontSHOUTTTTTT]

It wouldn't bother me at all unless it was a regular thing.

[ifancyashandy]

I'm single and go out for dinner with married and in married colleagues sometimes. Ones I've known for years and some more recent.

Can't say I've shagged any one them.

[worsestershiresauce]

I'm on the fence with this one, as or me it would depend on the female colleague. If she was much younger, very junior to him and not very attractive or a bit insecure, I'd absolutely put my foot down. Been there... those are the women likely to get their head turned by the attention of an older guy, and flatter their ego enough for something to develop. If she was a ball breaking glamour puss of equal rank in the office I'd be less bothered.

Judgemental and stereotyping yes, but sadly in life there really is something to this theory.

[Taffeta]

Does he know you're not comfortable with it? I would hope if he did then he wouldn't go.

[chrome100]

If your DH is going to cheat on you, he would do it. It doesn't matter whether he goes out for dinner with someone or not, a cheater is a cheater. On the other hand, plenty of people are capable of having platonic friendships with the opposite sex. I think YABU and should support your husband in his friendships and not be jealous.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

The op is not being suspicious, her dh is being thoughtless. He wants to go out with his new female friend who he sees all day long, rather than come home. Not just drinks. not in a crowd. just her for dinner? nah This would piss me off.

[appleNblackberry]

I think no one is true to there feelings in marriage - marriage can be hard work and a lot of would not mind going out on dates but thats not really being married is it?

[Taffeta]

Exactly this. Plus she is stuck at home looking after his children, so can't go out herself.

[ClartyCarol]

I agree Compos, to a certain extent - no-one wants to be tied to someone who is likely to simmer with jealousy whenever a member of the opposite sex appears on the radar, even in a platonic sense. However I don't think the OP is guilty of that.

I think she is trying to explore her feelings as to why this scenario makes her uncomfortable, and I think it is because her DH is choosing to take his dealings with this colleague into spheres which are of a more traditionally romantic nature with the possibility of an emotional attachment ensuing.

[Taffeta]

I agree apple.