Husband and a colleague

[appleNblackberry]

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

[bottleofbeer]

But it's only analysing one half of the story, which I have no reason to doubt but human nature means people tend to put forward a version that will cause people to agree with them. Nobody but the man in question can really say how any of it makes him feel.

Maybe when confronted he'll be totally shocked she feels that way because as far as he's concerned it really is platonic/he finds the wart on the end of her nose really repulsive/she's absolutely not his type and ego massaging has never come into it.

Sometimes people need it spelling out to them because it just hasn't even crossed their mind that there would be/could be a problem.

[Charbon]

I think when people keep things semi-secretive or secretive period, they know at some level that there is potential danger. Often such people will say it's because they don't want a spouse to 'get the wrong idea' but if a spouse has previously been completely trusting, unpossessive and open to the idea of mixed-sex friendships (the OP says he once lived with a female friend during their relationship) then the real reason for the secrecy is because a person wants to go ahead with a meeting/relationship without anyone forcing him to consider where it might be heading, or what he might be getting out of it.

[Charbon]

So therefore bottle in your example of a totally innocent person who hasn't even considered another agenda, his normal behaviour would be to cheerfully announce to the OP that he's going out for dinner with his new colleague next week.

Instead, the OP had to ask several questions to establish information about her husband's planned night out. There's a reason for that, I should think.

[CherylTrole]

Charbon is it possible that the OPs DH is actually doing some forward planning of an affair here? As in telling OP what he is doing so that further down the line he can say that he has already expained himself to her about what is going on? Like a future get out clause IYSWIM?

[Charbon]

Yes that's entirely possible. As I think someone else said, affairs are often carried out in plain sight even with people who are family friends or relatives, or with friends on dates that are openly negotiated within the family diary. This gets around any gossip that might result if the 'friends' are seen out publicly. Often their partners are completely oblivious to the risk or worse, are quelling their suspicions and unhappiness for fear of being seen as jealous, possessive or irrational.

[CherylTrole]

Charbon you are good at this! I reckon you could sort out most Mumsnetters problems

[AnyFucker]

charbon is brilliant < arse lick >

although I did mention the plain sight thing many posts back

[Charbon]

So it was you AF!! I might have known . Thread was a bit long to scroll back and correctly attribute the quote when I mentioned that 'as someone else has said'. I should have just guessed and said 'As AF says....'

As you know, the compliment is doubly returned.

[bottleofbeer]

I've got a habit of thinking things and assuming I've said them; so often my husband knows I'm going out but he's only got a vague idea of where or what the actual plan is (this is any night out, night with the girls etc...so literally nothing hide-worthy) and I'll end up getting frutrated with him thinking I've already told him five times. Does that make me secretive?

I just find there's always alternative explanations for what seems cut and dried a lot of the time and without his input on this to tell us how he feels then I prefer to err on the side of caution and not hang him out to dry as someone who is on the brink of an affair when it might be a million miles from the truth.

I've said I wouldn't be happy with the situation as the OP describes it but nor is it a forgone conclusion that some are making it out to be.

[AnyFucker]

< puts tongue back where it belongs >

[AnyFucker]

who has said "foregone conclusion" ?

Op asked for advice (and now appears to have done a runner, but hey-ho)

people are giving their spin on the situation, that's how it goes

[bottleofbeer]

Well that was my spin.

I'd be more worried if he'd blagged it completely but he didn't so we're going into what might happen territory because he showing the signs

Just that sometimes the signs don't point where we think they do.

Yeah they could fall in love over a dinner date but even if she is attractive etc... there's every possibility he still doesn't fancy her and his real wrongdoing here is being a bit thoughtless.

[MansView]

just let them go out - and watch when harry met sally and have a bottle of wine... :)

[CherylTrole]

Haaaa very good!
Oh for the simple life of a being a man.....

[AnyFucker]

He's being "amusing" on other threads too

[Bogeyface]

Oh its "amusing" is it? I thought he was being a wanker! I stand corrected!

[AnyFucker]

You are "not amused" BF ? You are clearly an uptight harridan.

[MansView]

must be your time of the month then...

[AnyFucker]

[CherylTrole]