Husband and a colleague

[appleNblackberry]

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

[HazardLamps]

Maybe she cancelled because of nothing more sinister than her own family and childcare arrangements, appleNblackberry?

FWIW, it's easy to disguise an affair by using lunch breaks and "business meetings" or half days off which the wife is unaware of to see the other woman. Evening dates are harder to arrange and it would take a particularly brazen type of husband to openly admit that he was having an evening meal with Jane if he was actually shagging her.

[MadBusLady]

New friendships, fine. Drinks after work in a group, fine. If everybody else slopes off and drinks turns into "Oh we're starving, let's get a pizza" that can happen as the occasional one-off too.

Planning to "go out for dinner" alone with a new colleague in what would normally be family time when your spouse has been home with the kids all day? I dunno, just the context makes it thoughtless/odd.

[Sallystyle]

Someone upthread said something on the lines of 'if someone is hellbent on having an affair it will happen'.

That is the thing though and if you have time to read the link I posted it will explain it better than I ever could. People don't set out to have affairs all of the time, they mostly happen because someone spends a lot of time with someone of the opposite sex and very slowly start crossing boundaries if feelings start to develop.

Very rarely do people set out to have one, they often start out very innocently like this and feelings develop, the fog sets in and they re-write history to justify it.

There has been a lot more research done and the ones who go out to look for people to shag around are a lot rarer than people who have affairs which start off perfectly innocently.

I think it is naive to trust anyone 100% and not to worry about certain situations putting your marriage at risk. I am happily married, I am not worried about him cheating (but he has the same boundaries as me) and he has done nothing to make me doubt him but I will never trust another human 100% because even good people fuck up. Plus, I know too many people who were cheated on who thought they were in perfectly happy marriages, and often were until an innocent situation turned into something more and the fog set in.

[LightTheLampNotTheRat]

But she could go out another night, Taffeta - while he is 'stuck' at home looking after 'her' children. It should work both ways.

Meeting up with a friend isn't the same as going for a date - unless that's what the two people involved intend it to be. I think it's healthy to have plenty of friends and not depend entirely on one's spouse for conversation and company. Again - naïve?

[appleNblackberry]

exactly that clarty

[appleNblackberry]

I must make this clear - I DO GO OUT WITH My FRIENDS AND MY HUSBAND WHEN WE GET A BBSITER LOL!

[whtsmum]

I trusted my ex, until I caught him with the personel officer where he worked, they were 'only friends too'. She moved in the day I left! Sorry.

[appleNblackberry]

I dont think hes a cheater but I think it would be naive of me and insulting to him to think he could not fall in love with someone other than me - in fact I think people are compatible with lots of other people!

[Taffeta]

Lamp, yes but she's not going out on her night out with a man she has built up a relationship with during the day, is she?

[AuntieStella]

The reason I have a problem with this is encapsulated more eloquently by Shirley Glass here. It's a slippery slope that so many people find to their cost really does exist.

What contact is tolerable depends on so many things. It's OK to remind your spouse of relationship boundaries at the time you start feeling uncomfortable about them. It's your own subjective call, and being able to air concerns and thrash them out healthily are important issues in communication.

[Hemlet]

You don't have to be possessive and dictate anything but one also shouldn't be so blind as to say that the other half going out on a date like scenario is no different to having lunch in the canteen.

Right, if he's going to cheat then he's going to cheat but why put yourself in a date situation when another would do? Just to prove a point that you're not a cheat?

I'm never going to agree that my husband going out for dinner with a woman he'd just met for anything other than business purposes is fine and dandy while I sit at home with the kids though. That doesn't make me possessive.

[Sallystyle]

Auntie.. I meant to post that link but posted another by her lol

But yes, she says it perfectly.

[LightTheLampNotTheRat]

Are you shouting at me, Apple? I assumed you did go out - hadn't occurred to me you didn't. There are other posters who've made much of the 'you stuck at home looking after the kids' scenario.

[BOF]

Samu2, I agree with all that. And I do think that sometimes people have blinkers on about how these things develop. You can make sensible decisions which prioritise your relationship without being some henpecked wimp frightened of having your bollocks cut off. I see nothing that the OP has posted which would suggest she is routinely jealous or possessive.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Light the lamp, I do think that's a bit naive. Lots of friends great - investing time in one new female friend - crap.
I trust dh largely because he avoids getting in these kind of situations.

[Taffeta]

Of course there could be no ill intention, it's just a question of being put in a situation you feel uncomfortable with.

I trust DH absolutely, but he was recently invited on his own to a wedding. Him and 2 other male work colleagues, they work with the groom. They were put on a table with single girls from the brides work. I was very unhappy about this. Not with DH. It made me feel very uncomfortable, it was very odd and I am very glad it's over. DH knows I was unhappy.

[MadBusLady]

I'm thinking back to when I was first working - I was in a relationship and I did used to go out with male colleagues who were also in relationships after work, both in groups and individually. We'd have dinner/drinks and a good bitch about work.

While this was mostly innocent there was definitely a frisson about it - flirting went on. We were all young, unmarried, unsprogged things (though some of us were cohabiting) and we were behaving like it. I still see some of those friends, they predate current DP, but I actually wouldn't behave in quite the same way if I started at a new workplace now. It wouldn't really seem right.

[Taffeta]

I have vowed to wait until they have small children and then invite the groom only in the school holidays to a party at ours

[StuntGirl]

"However, I wouldn't like him to develop new friendships with women."

I find this statement really sad :( I suspect I'm projecting a little though, as I am a female with mostly male friends. I've got a new work colleague I get on great with, and I would feel very sad if my partner didn't want us to become friends just because he was male.

I think since you say you do go out together, and you do get nights out yourself, that there's nothing to complain of on that side. Have I got it right that this was simply announced rather than discussed? If so, that's the bit I'd have issue with.

[appleNblackberry]

Exactly - thisiseup - I have been asked out many times but refuse as I would feel its a bit naughty to go out with a male colleague on my own while my husband puts the kids to bed - maybe im just to nice lol.

[StuntGirl]

"I have been asked out many times but refuse as I would feel its a bit naughty to go out with a male colleague on my own while my husband puts the kids to bed"

Ok now it's you projecting - unless you fancy the work colleague and are treating the night out as a date there's nothing to feel 'naughty' about!

[maddening]

I think the test would be his reaction if you suggested you went along and got a babysitter - in a casual and non accusatory manner..

[appleNblackberry]

stuntgirl -O yeh that the big difference its not being discussed never is he justs seem to do what he likes as he thinks its ok - although not really - as why not tell me?

[LightTheLampNotTheRat]

I love going out while DH puts the kids to bed - hurray!

[LadyHarrietdeSpook]

Yanbu. My closest friend at work is male. We might grab a quick drink but then go home to our families. We'd organize a night out as a four. Our kids have become friends. It's not that we've drawn up 'rules' it's just how it is. Lunch is different. It's easy enough for him to SAY you could do the same but he knows it's unlikely- you're a stay at home mum.

What is the reason exactly it has to be an evening meal?