Husband and a colleague

[appleNblackberry]

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

[BOF]

He's not away on business .

[specialsubject]

the issue is not that it's a woman, the issue is that he prefers to be out with someone else rather than being with you and the kids.

at the person who doesn't like her husband going out with a group of colleagues which includes females.

[AnyFucker]

He's not away on business. Why won't people RTFT ?

[reelingintheyears]

I wouldn't mind a bit if DP went out for dinner with colleagues that included female company.

I would be pissed off and not a little concerned if he wanted to go out with just one female colleague socially for dinner.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I had a male work colleague that became a very good friend. We used to go out for drinks after work, then dinner, and sometimes back to his house for coffee. I thought he and DH would get on quite well, so asked DH to come along with us one night. DH now sees more of the friend than I do!

Ginger - why would you not want to go out for a drink/dinner with a friend from work? Would you do this with a female friend, but not a male one?

[fallon8]

Either get s baby sitter and go too or ask her to the house,,,ask her in for a drink/coffee anyway,,sets the ground rules

[MomsNetCurtains]

basically my DH being travelling a lot he always gos out for drinks as part of social bonding at the end of the week which is fine but at the beginning of the week I was on the phone to him....

AF This is what made me think he was away on business. Sorry if I am wrong. I have read the FT.

[MomsNetCurtains]

I read it as he was away on business so they did a social bonding 'lets have a few drinks' together at the end of the business week thing - in a foreign country 'let's bond' kind of thing. Maybe I am totally wrong - I apologise!

[AnyFucker]

Perhaps Op will clarify ?

I will apologise if I am wrong too

There seem to be a few misunderstanding on this thread....

[AnyFucker]

s

[Euclase]

I wouldn't like it.

DH wouldn't do that and I certainly wouldn't do it to him. It would feel to much like a date to be out for dinner alone with a male friend.

[PoshAubrey]

Dont think my dh would do this; if he did I wouldn't like it.

I speak as someone who doesn't bat an eyelid when dh has a drink after work with female friends, either in a group or occasionally just one friend. And very very occasionally he'll have a quick casual lunch with a female colleague. But there's something about dinner à deux with another woman which for either of us would be crossing a boundary, even if nothing untoward happened.

And I have a couple of platonic male friends. Dh is completely relaxed about this. It's simply not an issue. I'm closer to one than the other - we'd would have good conversations together etc. I'd have coffee or casual lunch with them in a public space, either alone or in groups, but wouldn't dream of initiating a private dinner with either. Nor would I expect them to invite me. They're both married but the same would apply if they weren't.

[Solaia]

I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest by my DH dining out with a female colleague. I am amazed by how many people would be. Colleagues can be friends. Friends can enjoy dinner together with fucking at the end of it.

My DH just got back from spending the weekend with a (very attractive) female colleague because of a hobby they share. Guess its a good job I'm not the jealous type...!

[Bogeyface]

Friends can enjoy dinner together with fucking at the end of it.

Well quite....

[Doubtfuldaphne]

Drinks-just about bearable
Dinner- no!

[Solaia]

Oops, without fucking at the end...!

[NonnoMum]

Regardless of any fucking or completely platonic not fucking, this is hugely disrespectful to you as his wife and mother of his children.

He is treating you like a maid whose job it is to raise the children look after the home whilst he has his fun and relaxation with another woman.

[Ouchmyhead]

I've never faced this issue with my DP as he is an electrician and surrounded by men, however he has had to deal with it with me. I have a very good male friend, our dads are best friends and I've known him since I was 1, basically my whole life! When I first started dating DP he had massive issues with him, I refused to stop seeing my friend and instead just introduced them one day, then on another occasion we went to the bar where he worked for a few drinks and they got to know each other. Now I go out with him on my own for drinks/meals etc and there is no problem.

My (long winded) point is if she is a genuine friend then surely your DH won't mind if you ask to be introduced to this woman. I wanted to put my DP's mind at rest that there was nothing untoward going on, so I'm assuming your DH would want to do the same.

[Bogeyface]

He is treating you like a maid whose job it is to raise the children look after the home whilst he has his fun and relaxation with another woman.

^This

Even if it is completely innocent (which I very much doubt btw) then his attitude stinks. You are his wife not his nanny, for a start nannies get paid and treated with respect!

[bottleofbeer]

People draw on their own experiences when answering posts like this, I think.

There's a hundred different ways of seeing the same situation. Platonic friends do exist, without question. I've got one who I've known donkey's years, we've been asked if there's ever been more to it. Standard response is to look at each other, laugh and say nahhhhh" but there have been times it's been obvious my husband isn't entirely comfortable and it's really, really pissed me off because I know there never had been and never will be anthing more to it and it's made me resentful but hypocritically I think I'd probably feel the same. My initial reaction though is "sod off, bud, I'll be friends with who I damn well like".

If you're getting our own fair share of going out while he looks after the kids then it's a bit petty to bring the "at home with the kids card" too. Unless, of course you never get out and he's jollying off all the time. But that's a different issue imo. A new friend and dinner dates are crossing the line though.

Suppose some are comfortable with it and some aren't but a little bit of me still thinks it's bordering on wrong to take issue with our OH having platonic friends and if a friend truly is platonic then really, what's the big difference between dinner out with them and dinner out with a friend of the same sex?

I'm arguing with myself here.

[Charbon]

These threads often get diverted by strawmen and discussions about situations that bear absolutely no relevance to the one in the OP.

What also comes out is a rather one-dimensional view of why people are unfaithful and how they present in real-life i.e. that they are 'cheaters' and that this marks them out as distinct from people who aren't.

As some very wise posters have pointed out, the vast majority of people who are unfaithful to their partners do so because of sliding boundaries and a lack of self-awareness. Prior to an affair, the people who have them are often adamant that they would never cheat and so the consistently under-reinforce their boundaries with new friendships. They believe themselves to be unassailable and invulnerable to ego-boosts, attention and the addiction of new positive feelings about themselves.

So whereas a self-aware person who knows that a new friendship could be dangerous will avoid situations that cross boundaries, the person who is not self-aware and is in denial about an addiction to the feelings he's already getting about himself will continue to put himself in situations that test his resolve.

The people who are most at risk of this are individuals who are already a bit selfish in their relationships and who tell lies of omission to their partners.

So the OP's individual circumstances all point to her instincts being absolutely correct. Her husband ticks the selfish box, he is not being open about these nights out and he is not being honest with himself or the OP about how vulnerable he has been to getting addicted to the friendship and the positive feelings it has engendered in him about him.

The colleague however sounds as though she is far more self-aware, knows that this is dangerous territory and therefore keeps putting up some boundaries, despite constant temptation being put in her path by the OP's husband.

[bottleofbeer]

Sounds all very plausible Charbon, but it's an awful lot of conjecture about him isn't it?

[Charbon]

Not really. There's loads of information in the OP's posts to go on. It's not conjecture to analyse why a person would not be open about arranging a one-to-one dinner date with a new colleague of the opposite sex, or to analyse why a woman with no previous form for unreasonable jealousy and suspicion feels a level of disquiet about being told lies of omission.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Charbon, I have read quite a few of your posts and find them to be very enlightening in explaining why people behave as they do.

[Charbon]