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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there is nothing wrong with giving/receiving wedding gifts?

131 replies

TheSeventhHorcrux · 15/04/2013 16:10

I've been astonished recently at the outcry against wedding gifts. It seems that unless you are desolate and poor, very young, getting married for the first time or only moving in together after the wedding it is considered rude and greedy to want wedding gifts.
There is clearly a lot of social etiquette that goes into making any comment at all over gift preferences in a wedding in invite - if I get married I would want people to know that I don't expect a gift, (or demand one). But it is nice to get presents!

AIBU to think that there is actually nothing wrong with wedding gifts?

OP posts:
Novia · 15/04/2013 16:16

I agree - don't really understand all the fuss on here about it tbh. It's not obligatory so if you don't want to give a gift then don't... And if you do want to give a gift, then do. People make it all very complicated.

We got married in Spain and over there you don't do gifts, but everyone who attends gives you money. This is effectively to pay for the cost of their place at the wedding, with a little extra to ensure the bride and groom don't owe money after the wedding. That's why Spanish weddings are so big! :D

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/04/2013 16:16

YADNBU. Every year I am Shock at the amount of ill-feeling people demonstrate to brides and grooms because they don't do their wedding the way the guest poster would like.

If you feel offended/outraged at the B&G's invitation and or gift request just accept that you don't really like them/have grown apart and decline the invitation.

Chrysanthemum5 · 15/04/2013 16:17

I think having a gift list is fine. Putting it in the invitation is bad mannered. If people want to see the list they can ask.

Lottapianos · 15/04/2013 16:19

YANBU. There has been a lot of strong feeling on here about this topic recently. Personally, I would not dream of attending a wedding without giving a gift/vouchers and a card. I wouldn't consider it optional at all - if you have been invited to a whole day and are attending and being fed and watered and entertained (hopefully) then it's just decent to give something material as a thank you/good luck gesture. I know weddings are a humungous PITA but it's perfectly fine to politely decline the invitation and just send a card. Some people do get mortally offended by the whole issue.

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 15/04/2013 16:20

Oooh! I like how the Spanish do it! but in that case could never afford to attend a wedding

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 15/04/2013 16:22

If i'm lucky enough to be invited to a wedding, either full day or evening I WANT to buy a present.

Having a gift list is a god send - at least then I have an idea of what to get.

If I can't afford it, or they have requested honeymoon money then I just find an alternative.

I don't see how putting it in an invitation is bad mannered though!

NinaHeart · 15/04/2013 16:27

We put the link to our gift list in the invitation (very small and on the crappy photocopied "here's the map" sheet) as I didn't want to spend another fortune on more stamps sending additonal information. (Genuinely the reason!)

I sincerely hope we didn't offend anyone. Nobody said anything, anyway!We got some presents from the list, some vouchers, people turning up with no present or card...and everything was lovely.

KellyElly · 15/04/2013 16:29

I don't get it either. If someone was having a big birthday bash or I was invited over for Christmas, I'd get a present, so why not for a wedding?? I would also rather I got them a gift they actually wanted, so I think a list is common sense really.

OhDearNigel · 15/04/2013 16:31

What an extraordinarily drawn out process some people seem to desire ! Receive an invite then contact the couple to get their gift preference ? As presumably every single person on that guest list is going to ask "what do you want" why is it sooooo offensive to just stick this in the invitation ?

We've had several wedding invites this year, they all said about wedding gifts. I didn't explode in a seething fit of pique at their expectations, even though all the couples have been living together for years and one of them is very well off.

MaxPepsi · 15/04/2013 16:31

I had mine at Debenhams - they give you a little card to write the number on - quite subtle really.

And it also doubled up as a free coffee voucher in one of their cafe's!

Boggler · 15/04/2013 16:33

I'd rather buy the couple something they actually want rather than something I think they should have, so I welcome gift lists or requests for vouchers for a favourite shop. I'd never attend a wedding without buying a gift and surely it's better not to have lots of mismatched bits and pieces?

catgirl1976 · 15/04/2013 16:38

There is nothing wrong with giving gifts

There is nothing wrong with secretly hoping for gifts

There is a lot wrong with expecting gifts or asking for gifts.

Asking for cash just takes it up a level

NomDePlume · 15/04/2013 16:38

The anti wedding list folk have been around for years. Personally, I couldn't give a stuff whether there's a list or not. If I'd buy the couple a gift and there's a list, I'll buy from it. If not, I'll choose something myself. However, I don't feel like a list obligates me to buy a gift if I wouldn't ordinarily.

Wedding lists/gifts are just not something I can get het up about. Choose your battles, people!

Trillz · 15/04/2013 16:41

YANBU

There's even nothing wrong in letting your guests know that if they would like to give you a gift here's a little hint of what kind of thing you might like.

AuntieStella · 15/04/2013 16:43

Applauds catgirl1976

IslaValargeone · 15/04/2013 16:44

I would never go to a wedding without taking a gift.
If presented with a gift list, I will buy something from it.

Present me with a fecking poem asking for cash, or a donation to your 3 weeks in Barbados and I will be bosom hoikey in the extreme.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/04/2013 16:48
Confused

I don't get it - surely it is polite and normal to take a gift? Who wouldn't?

Gift lists full of expensive stuff and/or requests for cash are different.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 16:51

The hosts said 'No gifts.' They want NO gifts then. So why give them one when they don't want it?

What's wrong with, 'No gifts, please'?

If the hosts don't want them and make that clear, what's wrong with respecting their wishes?

Trillz · 15/04/2013 16:51

This is a thread about many many threads (not one in particular) where people seem to be offended at people getting married and including any of the following with the invitation, even if they are listed just as IF you woudl like to get us a gift this is what we would prefer, you don't have to get us a gift at all, and you can get us something else if you would rather

gift list
request for vouchers
request for money (for honeymoon or otherwise)
"buy an experience" for honeymoon

or any other indication of what kind of gift they would like to receive, should you wish to get them a gift.

tumbletumble · 15/04/2013 16:52

YANBU

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/04/2013 16:56

Mmm. Not totally failr trillz.

I am a dyed-in-the-wool hater of gift lists and cash poems.

I love weddings. I am thrillled when people get married. I have no desire to foist my tastes on them and am dead chuffed to have a list to work off. But I don't like peole who beg. Sorry. It pisses me the hell off.

You want to know why? (Well, no, no-one wants to know why, but ...)

I have never seen someone non-entitled ask for cash, and I've never seen someone ask for cash in a polite way. Polite gift lists exist, but are roughly equal in number to fucking rude ones where everything starts in triple figures.

It is very basic: not everyone has a week's rent to spend on your wedding. We love you. We just don't want to bankrupt ourselves over the summer. By implying it'd be normal if we did, you make us feel shit. And poor.

Ok?

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 15/04/2013 16:58

I am another one who's totally bemused by the horrified reaction of some on here to something as innocent as receiving a wedding gift list or some sort of direction on presents.

I've been to a lot of weddings in the past 10 years or so and I can only recall one which didn't include a gift list or some sort of guide on presents/vouchers etc in with the invitation. That couple then were inundated with people asking what they wanted so they ended up setting up a gift list after the invites had gone out!

I honestly would not dream of going along to any sort of party, be it a birthday, housewarming or a wedding without taking a gift of some sort, even if its just a small token. And I don't know anyone else who would either! To my mind, that really is bad manners!

Trillz · 15/04/2013 16:58

Sorry, can you summarise? You do like gift lists but you don't like requests for cash or vouchers? I don't see why one has to be more expensive than the other.

mrsjay · 15/04/2013 16:59

I didn't know weddinggifts were an issue have I missed something somewhere Confused you go to a wedding you give a gift you get married you get a gift i wont but the nigella breadbin off your list but i may buy something else ,

mrsjay · 15/04/2013 17:00

I wont buy the expensive nigella breadbin 8sigh* sentence fail

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