To think that there is nothing wrong with giving/receiving wedding gifts?

[TheSeventhHorcrux]

I've been astonished recently at the outcry against wedding gifts. It seems that unless you are desolate and poor, very young, getting married for the first time or only moving in together after the wedding it is considered rude and greedy to want wedding gifts.
There is clearly a lot of social etiquette that goes into making any comment at all over gift preferences in a wedding in invite - if I get married I would want people to know that I don't expect a gift, (or demand one). But it is nice to get presents!

AIBU to think that there is actually nothing wrong with wedding gifts?

YANBU OP. I would never attend a wedding without giving a gift.

I see nothing wrong with a wedding list or vouchers. I'd much rather give the couple something they actually want than some random thing they may end up with 2 or 3 of. Vouchers are also fine if there's something larger they want to save for. Lists take the guess work out of the equation and well thought out ones contain something for all budgets.

A small note within the information part of the invitation (giving directions, suggestions of places to stay, transport arrangements on the day etc) is imo the least intrusive way to let people know. I don't like the business card things from where the list is held tbh.

"So why pretend that it doesn't happen?"

It's not about pretending it doesn't happen. It's letting the guest take the lead in offering a gift, instead of hinting that you'd like one.

Yanbu. If anyone that receives an invitation from me feels like that about an optional gift, I hope they don't bother coming and save me a couple of hundred quid!

I guess I find it hard to understand why people spend thousands of pounds on weddings and then want expect to receive presents. Why not spend less on the actual wedding and pay for your own honeymoon or whatever?

I had two () very small weddings, they didn't cost much, and I genuinely did not want to receive presents. Certainly by the time of my second wedding we each had our own home and more than enough 'stuff'. Fortunately people respected our view and we didn't receive any presents (only had 5 guests anyway !).

Who knew that giving a gift could be so contentious.

I'm sure I don't know anyone in rl who has a problem with this.

"It's not about pretending it doesn't happen. It's letting the guest take the lead in offering a gift, instead of hinting that you'd like one."

I totally agree.

I wonder how the people who approve of wedding lists would feel if a friend/relative sent them a Christmas card with a link to their Amazon wishlist inside. Sure, you know they'll get you something for Christmas because it's tradition to swap presents then, but you act as if you're not expecting anything and wait for them to give you a nudge before giving suggestions of what you might like. Even then you act surprised and flattered that they thought of you when they hand over the present.

I once went to a wedding of a very aspirational couple. They booked a pretentious venue nowhere near where they lived or where their parents lived so that everyone had to travel and stay over. There was nowhere else to stay locally so we all had to stay over at the very expensive venue. We all had to pay for our rooms in advance at what appeared to be more than the normal rate, to the extent that I believe the guests significantly subsidised their wedding. They only supplied limited drinks, and the bar prices at the venue were extortionate. Both bride and groom had hen and stag weekends away which we were expected to attend. The wedding cost us an absolute fortune so to get a crappy poem asking for the guests to pay for the honeymoon as well, in my view, was very grabby. Of course we gave them the vouchers they wanted, because we have manners, but we were not impressed. Especially when they divorced three years later!
When we got married, we were very clear that we did not want presents, we just wanted people to come and have fun!

I've been having a think, and I've never been invited to a wedding where a gift list / voucher / cash / charity donation request wasn't included with the invite (usually with a proviso about no gift being fine too).

So in answer to your question, yanbu, apart from when it means you, the guest, pays for the wedding and the honeymoon!

I couldn't care less if people put a gift list in, and agree there's no point doing an odd ceremnoy back and forth on it when the vast majority of people will want to give a gift.

I wonder how the people who approve of wedding lists would feel if a friend/relative sent them a Christmas card with a link to their Amazon wishlist inside.

Oh please, please, please send me an Amazon gift list. I hate christmas shopping, I hate thinking of things to buy. Please just tell me what you want and save me the misery.

It's the sense of entitlement that pisses me off!

So you want to get married? Fine. Just don't expect others to finance your household purchases.

Aren't we all grown-ups who can support ourselves & buy an effing toaster if we need one? Why expect others to subsidise your choices?

Our friends recently got married & asked for donations to charity instead - that's more like it!

I went to a wonderful wedding where the bride and groom - older, established and v.well off, said they had everything they need but asked people to bring a copy of their (guests) favourite book and and sign in. There was a great display everything from novels, travel, cookery books, children's books, a joy of sex book, an old Beano annual purchased on ebay, gardening books. Some of the inscriptions were inspired and had us all in fits.

I didn't do a list and people complained, I said don't give gifts and people complained, I said if peope want to push me into suggesting something then how about Tomas cook or debenham vouchers (as we couldn't afford to book a honeymoon) and guess what...got complaints....

I was overwhelmed by the people that gave us money to be honest, I didn't ask for it. The Irish part of the family were by far the most generous. They were some guests that gave very generously with cash and vouchers, some bought us lovely things, personal to them and some didn't even even give us a card. I was a bit upset about no card but didnt mind that some didn't give us gifts.

Motheroinferior maybe you should decline wedding invites if you detest them so much? Save the bride and groom a bit of money and you the terrible inconvienece. Gift then is a non issue for you.

Lotsofcheese has put it a lot better than I did.

Parties, now, parties are fab. Buying someone else's household goods for them, less so.

Attending weddings is becoming quite expensive for us at the moment. We have on average 4 weddings per year & they are usually big family get togrthers with kifs included. Genuinly lovely affairs & I dont mind either gift list or putting money in the card.

See, themobster, why not decline such invites? I don't get why people moan about these hen and stag do's abroad (which I find stupid, self-centred and immature), and weddings that cost a fortune to attend and not just say NO. And yes, I'd say no if it were my own sister and I couldn't afford it.

In fact, I have done. Ex h's brother married a woman from an extraordinarily wealthy family, though he and ex h were from a middle-class background, as I am.

They chose to marry abroad, at a compound where her family had a huge home and where budget accommodation would have come with serious safety concerns, over a major holiday weekend, with a three-day long wedding.

There was no way we could have afforded for even him to go even though we both had good jobs. It was thousands. We had a mortgage to pay and this holiday was a month before Xmas. Ex h had to tell his brother.

The bride's father sent his private jet after us.

If you cannot afford it, just say NO.

It's a ridiculous trend, all this hen and stag do's abroad for a week, incredibly expensive weddings and then, shocker!, the couple are touting for money.

Rag's right. If you can't afford your honeymoon then have a bloody smaller wedding!

'Save the bride and groom a bit of money and you the terrible inconvienece.'

This whole idea that guests are costing the bride and groom money is what is behind all this increase is dictating requesting what is or isn't an acceptable gift.

In fairness, I didn't go to the hen do but DH went to the stag, because he is weak willed unable to say no to such requests, whereas I am strong and assertive rude
The groom is a close friend of my DH, so we would have had to have a very good reason not to go to the wedding.

'The groom is a close friend of my DH, so we would have had to have a very good reason not to go to the wedding.'

I can't afford it is a perfectly valid excuse, IMO.

I think giving and taking gifts depends upon how close you are to the wedding couple. Now it's becoming a trend to ask for gifts. People register for gifts for their wedding or honeymoon so that they can get things from their own choice. But there should not be any compulsion in this, means you can take gifts if you want.

A bit off-topic, but what's the etiquette on wedding gift thank yous? I gave a very nice gift, three months ago, to a well off cousin who's included a fucking grabby poem suggesting I might like to contribute to their honeymoon (oh the irony - we've been married nearly four years and haven't been able to afford one ourselves yet).

I couldn't afford any substantial gift of money, so decided to buy a gift because with a discount I was able to be a bit more generous. No acknowledgement yet though.

Dh & I got married last Dec we specifically asked for no gifts that our guests presence was present enough. I got told on more than one occasion we MUST have a gift list! We were inundated with bottles of champagne instead which was perfect.

I find weddings where money is asked for poor taste, a wedding is not about what you can get its about sharing a very special moment with those you love.

Of course people think they might be given gifts. It's traditional. Just like people are pretty sure they might receive a gift or two for their birthday. Why all the pretence?

If I get an invitation without a list, I don't think "how polite". I just think they were worried about looking grabby but have given me another bloody job to do.