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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there is nothing wrong with giving/receiving wedding gifts?

131 replies

TheSeventhHorcrux · 15/04/2013 16:10

I've been astonished recently at the outcry against wedding gifts. It seems that unless you are desolate and poor, very young, getting married for the first time or only moving in together after the wedding it is considered rude and greedy to want wedding gifts.
There is clearly a lot of social etiquette that goes into making any comment at all over gift preferences in a wedding in invite - if I get married I would want people to know that I don't expect a gift, (or demand one). But it is nice to get presents!

AIBU to think that there is actually nothing wrong with wedding gifts?

OP posts:
SantanaLopez · 15/04/2013 20:23

I hate the honeymoon ones, but a reasonable gift list is fine.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 20:24

Have already seen it on some threads here, birthdays with 'cash, please' or 'vouchers for XYZ,' for children's parties.

SantanaLopez · 15/04/2013 20:25

A children's party?!

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 20:31

YY, childrens' parties. 'Only book tokens'.

In the US, there are whole websites they stick in the invite so you can give them money to buy a house as a present.

WTF? Why not just charge admission and be done with it.

SantanaLopez · 15/04/2013 20:37

That will be the next thing- 'to give you the day we would love, we would ask for a small donation', I can see it now!

But still Shock

In the US is that normal? Or is it very well off people?

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 20:38

In our invite we put 2 sides of A4, this included a map and directions to the venue, details of the 'wedding discount' for rooms at the hotel we were getting married in, details of two other local hotels that were cheaper, information on 3 local taxi firms, links to the local tourist information (we were marrying close to where we now live, not where I grew up, some of the guests had a long trip and were going to make a holiday of it) and a two line bit that said that if anyone wanted to get us a gift, we had a gift list at a particular store.

I think we should have made that a bit clearer (me trying to be discreet), because we and my parents still got asked if we had a list by a few people, got a lot of things that were 'off list' (and suitably odd from some relatives), and a lot of gift vouchers (some for the shop we had registered with, but a lot for other shops), and lots of cheques.

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 20:46

motherinferior - because it's the convention that you give something at a wedding. there are different traditions in different countries, but most give something.

You might as well say "but why should I pay for a meal for people who want to come to see me get married, it's the commitment that matters" - but then you'll get thread after thread saying that ceremony and then evening only invites are super rude, that you should entertain people all day. That if you invite people just for the ceremony then go off to have a meal with just your closest family you'd be rude.

I wouldn't turn up at someone's house for dinner empty handed, but a wedding I would normally expect to be fed twice (normally), given drinks, given free entertainment, and then often wedding favours when I leave, I'm not turning up to that empty handed. Even if a couple have said "no gifts" then I'll just give money or vouchers.

motherinferior · 15/04/2013 20:51

I find it quite enough of an expense and hassle and imposition to have to go to a wedding and sort out accommodation and all that...and then being expected to give them a present as well is just the icing on it.

Birthdays, now, birthdays are worth celebrating. Much more fun.

motherinferior · 15/04/2013 20:52

I expect it's different if you like the idea of marriage.

ApocalypseThen · 15/04/2013 21:01

Personally, I love weddings and always give cash (it's the best present, I think). But I wouldn't like to feel that the present I choose to give isn't entirely at my discretion, or that there's an opinion about what I should give, or worse, an instruction.

UptheChimney · 15/04/2013 21:05

AIBU to think that there is actually nothing wrong with wedding gifts?

No, YANBU. Giving presents to people in celebration of a significant event is lovely! I actually like giving people things. (Am i WEird?)

FeckOffCup · 15/04/2013 21:14

I find it quite enough of an expense and hassle and imposition to have to go to a wedding and sort out accommodation and all that

Why bother going at all then, I would rather someone with that attitude had stayed away when I got married. It's an invitation, not a court summons, if it makes you that miserable then decline it.

K8Middleton · 15/04/2013 21:18

Totally agree FeckOffCup. Miserable fuckers can stay at home.

BumBiscuits · 15/04/2013 21:20

We always ignore gift lists and give John Lewis vouchers and/or a bottle of champagne during the lead up to the wedding. I don't mind giving a gift but do think lists are naff.

Friends of ours had a list with a company that went bust. The JL vouchers from us and a few random things was all they ended up with. A lot of gifts were paid for but never received.

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 15/04/2013 21:24

In my family, we take the price tag off gifts, cut the corner off a book jacket...

If you listen really carefully you can hear the sound of a million librarians quietly weeping Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 15/04/2013 21:28

A lot of money goes into providing entertainment and food/drink for guests - its nice to see that some people think their presence is gift enough Grin

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 21:28

I think on the whole, a lot of the angst about weddings is because the ones we went to in our childhoods were local people, marrying other local people, in the local church, then going to a hotel/hall near by and everyone going home afterwards. There weren't big costs for guests, people actually had sunday best outfits which they wore to weddings.

But now, families are scattered over the country, you get married near where you live or where you grew up, then a large percentage of your guests will be travelling and paying for hotels, particularly if you aren't marrying someone local. Few people have Sunday best outfits even if they are regular church goers (ours everyone wears jeans), so for a formal event you don't have 2 or 3 outfits in your wardrobe you just pick from already, you have to go buy an outfit.

Plus couples get married older, so you a lot will already have a houseload of stuff, although that said, a lot of my friends who got married in their mid 20s were in fully furnished rented flats at the time, using the dregs of the kitchen stuff they had at uni and really needed new things. We certainly had a list of things we actually needed. the biggest group for angst seems to be those who wait until they are in their 30s and have DCs already before getting married, but then I don't think I should spend any less because they've done it in a different order.

Viviennemary · 15/04/2013 21:35

It is rude to put a list in with the invitation. That's my opinion. But if people want to that's up to them. I was taught wait to be asked. Don't pre-empt. Children know they are get birthday and Christmas presents from Grandparents. It would be considered rude for children to say what they want before they are asked. Weddings no different. Nor other invitations to parties. Asking for contributions to this that or the other. Cheeky and rude.

thermalsinapril · 15/04/2013 23:04

I don't think anyone has said there's anything wrong with enjoying giving/receiving gifts.

As for wanting people to know that you're not expecting gifts, this is demonstrated by not including a list or any other comment in with the invitations.

apostropheuse · 15/04/2013 23:07

There's absolutely nothing wrong with giving or receiving gifts. Of course there isn't.

It's just rude, tacky and the height of bad manners to ASK for gifts.

KansasCityOctopus · 15/04/2013 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notafoodbabyanymore · 16/04/2013 00:49

All I can say is that I'm glad my FRIENDS are not like some of the miserable bastards on this thread.

Seriously, MN is hilarious.

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 16/04/2013 13:30

If you add a reference to a gift list with a comment like "if you would like to get us a gift you can find guidance here" that is in no way expectant, surely? A more gratuitous "we're not expecting gifts but..." may be better.

I agree that it seems like a lot of faff for all to NOT include a list of people are going to ask and you'll probably just end up with stuf you don't want/need.

OP posts:
thermalsinapril · 16/04/2013 16:16

Trouble is, with any comment about gifts it shows you've been thinking about this topic, and by implication if you mention it, it does mean you're assuming people will want to know. I think the polite default is not indicating that gifts have even crossed your mind.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/04/2013 16:25

I think that it is absolutely ridiculous to have some sort of silent dance around the issue of gifts. It is traditional to give gifts at weddings. Everyone knows. So why pretend that it doesn't happen?

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