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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there is nothing wrong with giving/receiving wedding gifts?

131 replies

TheSeventhHorcrux · 15/04/2013 16:10

I've been astonished recently at the outcry against wedding gifts. It seems that unless you are desolate and poor, very young, getting married for the first time or only moving in together after the wedding it is considered rude and greedy to want wedding gifts.
There is clearly a lot of social etiquette that goes into making any comment at all over gift preferences in a wedding in invite - if I get married I would want people to know that I don't expect a gift, (or demand one). But it is nice to get presents!

AIBU to think that there is actually nothing wrong with wedding gifts?

OP posts:
K8Middleton · 15/04/2013 17:59

Yanbu. I don't get the outrage either. It's not mandatory. It may not even be the bride and groom's preference.

When we got wed it was one of two concessions to my parents that we put in a gift list when we sent out wedding invites. We didn't want gifts but apparently it would cause a whole load of angst not to give people we didn't particularly want to come (the other concession) a list to choose from.

You can't win, so just do what you like.

If I ever have cause to get married again I'd do a quick registry office bit, then huge piss up where we only invite people we like and have no guest list. In fact we'd maybe even just stick a note on Facebook, send a few emails/texts and be done with it instead of proper invites.

ApocalypseThen · 15/04/2013 18:01

I think most people know that the vast majority of guests at a wedding will give a gift. However, if you do choose to give one, it should be entirely at your own discretion.

Sending an invitation with a gift list is just crass. A bad poem requesting money is dreadful. If your guests want direction, do them the curtesy of allowing them to ask for it, for heaven's sake. You're not owed a gift and, like all gifts, you don't choose them unless someone specifically asks for guidance.

Flobbadobs · 15/04/2013 18:07

I didn't realise weddings were such a minefield till I joined Mumsnet!
YANBU

BarredfromhavingStella · 15/04/2013 18:13

No Yoni I was refering to a gift off of a list rather than unwanted crap but you take it how you want Hmm

Really don't get the outrage tbh & I'm another one who never realised it was such an awful thing until I joined MN...

RubyrooUK · 15/04/2013 18:14

I don't mind gift lists in invites. I find it an easy way to get someone a gift they want/like. Ditto vouchers. I would find it annoying if the gift list was something you had to prise out of the couple - I thought putting it in the invite was simply practical.

I don't even mind contributing to a honeymoon fund or vouchers. My BIL did this for his wedding and I thought it was nice because we were contributing to an experience for the couple that was special. They didn't want material stuff like plates/sheets but couldn't afford a honeymoon very easily and I liked this.

I like giving gifts at weddings in general though. Sometimes it is easy to get something from a list and other times, if I want to go off list to get something I hope will be "more special", I do and no-one has ever been rude enough to complain!

Equally, I once couldn't afford a present at a wedding where I had to travel across the world and so I made the couple a mix tape with bespoke artwork. The couple seemed happy with that too.

I've just never come across this issue in real life. If I ever divorce DH and remarry, I will bear all this in mind though!! Grin

JumpingJackSprat · 15/04/2013 18:20

Id rather have a list or a cash request and i for the life of me cant see why its rude to ask for cash. If i am saving for something id ask people to give me cash at birthday / christmas so i can buy sonething i want whys it different for a wedding? Or is it rude to ask for cash then too?!

NewFerry · 15/04/2013 18:35

As we have a small family, so nephews or nieces getting married, I am reading this thread with astonishment.

When my friends and I got married (early 90s), the invitation came from the brides parents. You replied to them and at the same time asked the brides mum if there was a gift list. She sent the list to you, and off you toddled to John Lewis or Debenhams and chose your gift.
When did it change? Confused

Trillz · 15/04/2013 18:41

When did it change?

Invitation from brides parents is a bit "We are giving away our virgin daughter to a man who will then own her" and seems silly if the couple are adults.

Replying and asking and then getting a gift list in inefficient. Especially if you are doing so by post to someone you don't know (and so you don't have their phone number).

If you include it in the invitation then those who would have asked about it (over 90%, by my estimate) have already got it, those who were not going to ask can ignore it.

MrsMelons · 15/04/2013 18:50

I have no issue with buying gifts, giving cash towards a holiday or whatever else they want. If I can't afford something on an expensive wedding list then it'll be vouchers from the same place for how much I can afford. I would rather give them something they want rather than the 50th photo frame they received!

I actually don't mind giving money/holiday vouchers as some people already have everything in their houses but can't afford to go on a holiday so why not!

In RL I don't know anyone that finds it offensive - only on MN Grin

MrsMelons · 15/04/2013 18:53

I must have cheap friends BTW as all the wedding lists I have received have had things for less than £20 plus the option of vouchers in denominations of £5+.

Pascha · 15/04/2013 18:58

As always, here is my stance:

I am happy to buy a present from a gift list
I am happy to give a gift voucher/card
I am happy to give cash
I am happy to contribute to honeymoon things
I am happy to give nothing if that is what the couple really want

I like explicit instructions, gift lists included in the invitation, little poems, its all good to me.

If you want me at your wedding don't give me tasks such as chasing the brides mother or whoever just to find out where the sodding gift list is.

Just tell me what you prefer and I'll do it with pleasure.

MrsMelons · 15/04/2013 19:01

Brilliant post Pascha!

Thymeout · 15/04/2013 19:03

Enclosing a list with the invitation is bad manners because it is presumptuous. You are presuming that you will be given a present. This applies whether the invitation comes from the bride's parents or the couple.

It may be inefficient - but it is also rude. And now there's email, it's hardly a problem to include an email address for replies/queries. Then people can ask if there is a list if they want to.

I don't like being asked for vouchers/money, because it makes how much you've spent so obvious. In my family, we take the price tag off gifts, cut the corner off a book jacket. I think, originally, because it might be embarrassing for the amount spent to be out in the open - some relatives are not very well off and this spares their feelings.

Panzee · 15/04/2013 19:06

I agree with Pascha.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/04/2013 19:07

YY Pascha.

Thyme you really damage books that you give as presents?Shock

ShadowStorm · 15/04/2013 19:08

So, what if the b&g add a note saying something like "you don't have to give us a present, but if you want to, here's a wedding list"?

Is that still presumptuous?

Thymeout · 15/04/2013 19:13

No - not the book - the book jacket.

S.E.London, working class. It's what we've always done.

If you buy a bunch of flowers from a supermarket, there's a tear-off strip for the price.

Thymeout · 15/04/2013 19:19

Shadowstorm - yes, because you're bringing up the subject of presents. That's for the guest to do.

I'm interested in this because so much about weddings has changed in my lifetime.

ApocalypseThen · 15/04/2013 19:22

You don't invite people to your birthday party with a quick aside that you prefer cash, pls tnx.

TheCraicDealer · 15/04/2013 19:25

I genuinely do not have a problem with gift list enclosures or asking for money (although I think you could ask for that in a more to the point way than that shite poem). The people I know getting married are moving from their first furnished rented accommodation into their first homes together and having to start from scratch pretty much. Even the ones living together already don't have a lot of cash lying around to buy a nice sofa or new kitchen. I'd rather give them a hand towards the suite they'll sit on for the next fifteen years than a crystal vase or some other "keepsake" that three other guests also think will be a thoughtful and original gift.

Thinking about when our own time comes, DP and I had thought about asking for donations for a charity close to our hearts not our honeymoon fund, but even then you'd get someone complaining that they don't like being dictated to over what charities they give to. You literally can't keep everyone happy all the time so with things like this you might as well suit yourself.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/04/2013 19:30

What's the point of that Thyme? Sure the price is printed on the actual book cover anyway.Confused

amandine07 · 15/04/2013 19:31

OP you are DNBU!

I've been surprised at the levels of outrage expressed in some posts- honestly just live and let live!

I personally prefer some indication of what the couple would like- gift vouchers, money or present off the gift list. These are all equally welcome & make my life easier- I can just go online and sort out the gift.
Doing something handmade or unique is a lovely idea, I personally wouldn't do this as I don't have the time.

Some of the posts I've read strongly imply that the OP dislikes the couple in question or is quite jealous of what they have already, how long they've been a couple, how many cars or holidays they have.
I think the posts say more about them than the couples committing the deadly crime of specifying choice of gift.

Oh and please- couples, I much prefer it if you send it all in one go si I can get keep the gift list details in a safe place and save myself headache a few months down the line! Smile

Thymeout · 15/04/2013 20:15

No, Dione. The cover of the actual book is usually plain, with the author and title on the spine.

The price is handily printed on the corner of the inside fold of the jacket, either back or front, so easily snipped off.

It's the same principle as 'gift receipts'. I'd probably take the Waterstone's 3 for 2 sticker off as well. Smile

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 20:22

'You don't invite people to your birthday party with a quick aside that you prefer cash, pls tnx.'

That'll be the next trend, Apocalypse. How about the trend, no gifts. If you don't need anything, then you don't need anything. Dislike waste? Then no gifts.

motherinferior · 15/04/2013 20:23

But why do they want presents? I get birthday presents - that's to celebrate someone's fabulousness. But weddings (as far as I can work out) are about two people making a domestic/sexual contract. Why am I supposed to give them a present? Shouldn't they be content with the Joy of Each Other?

Just seems so...grasping of them.