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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want this child to come on holidays with us

838 replies

arabesque · 10/04/2013 11:08

A group of girls I used to share a house with years ago have arranged to go on a reunion weekend to the West of Ireland in June. The plan was to book into a nice hotel, and spend the time relaxing, having nice meals and a few drinks and catching up and reminiscing. However, one of the group has now asked if its okay to bring her six year old daughter as her husband wants to play in a golf tournament that weekend. A child hanging around is going to completely change the tone of the holiday imho. I haven't spoken to all of the group yet but the two I have been in touch with are not too keen either.

AI (or we)BU to think of saying that we'd prefer if it was kept to adults only as it's the first time we've all been together in about ten years?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/04/2013 18:50

I think they had to discuss this woman's attitude, and what they were going to do about it, mydoorisalwaysopen. I am sure they didn't want to, but this woman was being utterly unreasonable in her attitude.

Kiriwawa · 19/04/2013 18:54

So what would you have done, mydoor?

prettybird · 19/04/2013 19:01

I thought the email that FF sent or rather the gist of it that we were given sounded eminently reasonable and not at all heavy handed. The fact that she made the point that no child would be allowed was illustrating to EF that it wasn't personal and that what had been suggested, agreed and organised was a child free weekend something she appeared to be being almost deliberately obtuse in acknowledging

She then chose to burn her bridges with her former friends by telling them that they'd never been friends in the first place and saying nasty things that can't be unsaid

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/04/2013 19:02

Punishment? Have I missed something Mydoor? Who is going to punish her?Shock

Viviennemary · 19/04/2013 19:06

She thought that by wheedling she'd get her own way and everyone would cave in and say oh bring your DD. But they didn't and good for them. So she turned on them all. Silly woman. The one who she should be turning on is her DH who should have been looking after the - the child.

Loulybelle · 19/04/2013 19:09

She had a tantrum, they said no, she pushed it, still said no, she got nasty. Shes obviously used to being pander too.

LadyBeagleEyes · 19/04/2013 19:16

Are you the friend mydoor?
Because like her, you seem to being missing the gist of the situation.

TolliverGroat · 19/04/2013 19:17

All the emails and strategies and agreeing what texts to send and what replies to email etc. was a very sensible approach to getting round the friend's attempts to pick off individuals in her unending attempt to change the group decision. It makes perfect sense to have one coherent message and one coherent party line.

TolliverGroat · 19/04/2013 19:20

And they haven't agreed she's forever banished. They've agreed that as she has been gobsmackingly rude to all of them and apparently never liked them anyway there will need to be a lot of cooling-off time before attempting to salvage anything from the relationship.

GoblinGranny · 19/04/2013 19:22

Sometimes you just grow out of a friendship, or a relationship.
Or sometimes you grow up and they don't.
Have a lovely time on your girls' weekend OP.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 19/04/2013 20:44

They would have left it at no if she had accepted no.

She wouldn't accept no.

What were they supposed to do except say no again.

and again.

And again.

If someone refuses to take no for an answer, they have only themselves to blame if it bites them in the arse.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 19/04/2013 20:58

The only person being heavy-handed was EF, for...

  • asking to bring her DD to a 'once in a blue moon' child-free get-together
  • not accepting the quite reasonable 'no' to this
  • pushing each individual to take her side and change the plans
  • trying to change the entire tone of the weekend to make it more child-friendly in order to accommodate her DD
  • trying to guilt and manipulate people into doing what EF wants
  • sending a nasty email that singled out each member of the group with unkind, hurtful words
  • followed by yet another (final? If only, but unlikely!) attempt at inducing guilt onto the group for something none of them were respsonsible for

The only person behaving bull-ishly here is EF.

When somebody simply DOES NOT take no for an answer, what else are people supposed to do? Confused

Mouseface · 19/04/2013 21:39

After reading the thread I totally agree with DonDrapers post above.

These things are always hard to handle, someone always gets upset, someone is always made to look unreasonable but the EF KNEW well in advance the plans.

MidniteScribbler · 20/04/2013 02:34

EF sounds likes she's a few fries short of a happy meal.

Better off without her.

ladymariner · 20/04/2013 08:00

Do you think she sould have been allowed to take her dd then mydoor despite it clearly being arranged as a child-free weekend, and everyone else sorting out child care? Do you think EF was right to try and press gang everyone else into allowing her dd to come along then even though it would have totally changed the dynamics of the weekend. Do you think she was right not to take no for an answer? Do you think she was right to then spew a load of bile out to them all in an email because she couldn't get her own way?

Because I cannot see any other way in which you would think they were being horrible to EF. Are you EF........?

Original poster
arabesque · 20/04/2013 11:20

I'm sorry it's come across to you that way Doors.

I can assure you that there was no intention to 'gang up' on this person. We were simply trying to avoid a situation where she would cause endless trouble within the group by trying to persuade/force/or embarass individuals into reluctantly agreeing that she could bring her child and then trying to use that as leverage to pressure the rest of the group. 'So and so said it was okay' kind of thing. None of us wanted to be used like that and we felt it was important to make her realise that it was a group decision that children would not be included. We were taken aback at her persistence and refusal to take no for an answer and were worried that she was starting to take things too far. Having discussed it none of us wanted to be 'targetted' by her (which was how it was starting to feel) or enter into some kind of 'divide and conquer' situation.

To be honest, if anyone felt 'bullied' it was us.

OP posts:
DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 20/04/2013 11:36

arabesque, you do not need to explain or justify.

Anyone with any cop-on, social nous or a basic clue gets it.

QueenStromba · 20/04/2013 11:36

Don't feel bad about this OP, she's clearly unhinged and I'm surprised this hasn't come to light sooner. Please don't let this ruin your holiday - that would mean that she wins. I agree with Hecsy that you should ring the hotel and warn them of the situation. If she does have narcissistic personality disorder, which is sounds like she might have, then she will thrive on the drama of turning up and causing a scene.

I used to live with someone like EF and I'm pretty sure she had NPD. I didn't know her before she moved in and I made the mistake of socializing with her. I figured out she was a self centered pain in the arse after about a month so cooled off the social relationship with her. Unfortunately I didn't do this gradually enough so she decided that she hated me and then harassed me to the point where I was too scared to go home unless my other housemate was there and had to go to the GP and get medication because I was worried that she would stab me in my sleep. The harassment didn't even stop when I moved out, she hounded me for months because she decided that my casserole dish was hers. I eventually texted her back and told her I was changing my number and fortunately her texts stopped before I actually had to do it.

Like EF, the second crazy housemate realised that my world didn't revolve around her, she came up with a massive list of things I'd been doing to piss her off for the last couple of months. Most of it was things like blaming me for dishes that our other housemate was leaving but she also had a freak out about me having been noisy for the last two months. How the bloody hell was I supposed to know that I was being too noisy if she hadn't told me? It's one thing to be annoyed with housemates who continue to be inconsiderate about noise levels when you've told them that their music keeps you awake but it's another thing altogether to go ballistic at them over it when you haven't even mentioned it before.

Apologies for essay - the whole thing still spikes my blood pressure several years later.

Loulybelle · 20/04/2013 11:50

I think the word is "Catastrophizing", taking any minor or trival event, and turning into something huge and dramatic.

Loulybelle · 20/04/2013 11:53

I point out that people with MH issues are prone to that, so maybe she suffers from MH Issues or shes just a Narc.

MissLurkalot · 20/04/2013 11:58

Yes Doors, how would you have handled it?
We've all been following the thread from Day One... Have you actually read all posts from the OP? As I don't believe you have .
I think you are the only one poster on this entire thread that has disagreed. But, hey, it's a free world.

QueenStromba · 20/04/2013 12:20

I think that mydoorisalwaysopen is either EF or suffering from the same personality disorder. I sympathize with EF because it must be hard being her but I can't empathize with her at all. She was being bloody cheeky by pretending that she didn't understand the rather clear "no" and was even cheekier being pissed off when everyone had to be really firm with her. To resort to personal attacks when she didn't get her way just makes her a malevolent bitch.

Dubjackeen · 20/04/2013 12:36

Just coming back on to say, have a lovely weekend OP. Don't let any of this spoil it. I agree, this person was attempting to divide and conquer, in order to get her own way. If you were all so awful, jealous etc, in her view, why would she want to come along anyway, not to mention exposing her DD to such awful people? Wink
Have a brilliant weekend, and enjoy the reunion.

BottleRed76 · 20/04/2013 18:16

This was a brilliant thread. Just came across it today.

I think if I was in EF's shoes then FF's emails would have got right up my nose....but.... I guess FF had to take the parental role when EF was behaving like a child, and I certainly wouldn't have thought that it was OK to bring DD along after I was politely told it wasn't appropriate.

Anyway Arabesque shame it's taken a shitty turn but probably turned out for the best. I think you all handled it brilliantly and speaking to each other prior to agreeing on each action was the best way to deal with her. If you hadn't then I do think she would have picked you off one by one and used you against each other. I was hoping it would all resolve itself nicely but wasn't meant to be. A full on strop on your holiday would have been far worse.

Note to self - when arranging an 'ADULT ONLY' event make absolutely loud and clear (and underlined three times) in all communications with no exceptions for illness or childcare issues...

I'm due in August and I can't wait for my first adult only event...... WTF is wrong with EF?

MarthasHarbour · 20/04/2013 20:06

Oh gosh i have just read the thread in its entirety and am Shock

OP here have a Wine on me and have a bloody good weekend with your friends. Do not feel bad. Sometimes things like this have to happen, otherwise you would have endured this manipulation for ever.

if there is still a Dublin meet up at this fabulous hotel then i am in! We can all get shitfaced together Wink and give you all a hug.

Please dont let this spoil your organisation of the weekend. I think you should all take a deep breath and start again with organising 'hen' style hi-jinks!

Thanks