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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect DP to tell his ex wife to push off?

223 replies

Louiseteacher30 · 05/04/2013 23:24

Will try and keep this brief

Basically DP and I have been together just over a year, when we met he had recently separated from his wife with whom he has a 4 year old daughter. At the beginning of our relationship things were difficult; his now ex wife would make life difficult for both of us and this directly effected the behaviour of their daughter who was extremely unsettled. Recently things have settled down and life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing) that we saw a year ago.

Whilst DP receives less phone calls, his ex wife has begun texting odd requests for favours, none of which are linked to their daughter. Some of the most recent ones have included:

  • Career advice - both are doctors so I can sort of understand that one
  • requests for support with fixing an email account/ setting up new software on a mobile phone
  • A very odd request to bring back some duty free for her when we go on holiday

DP receives these texts at least 4 times a week, sometimes favours, sometimes mindless drivel.

He appears quite chilled about it all, he sometimes responds, sometimes ignores them.

AIBU to expect DP to tell the ex to push off and get a job/life/boyfriend?

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 06/04/2013 17:49

losing i suggest you try and distance yourself from people like that. it isn't a healthy attitude and they certainly dont have healthy relationships either with tehir partners or themselves if that's what they feel they have to do to keep their partners to themselves!

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 06/04/2013 17:49

I don't understand what is so wrong with two exes contacting each other, especially if a child is involved. They need to keep in touch obviously.

It does say a lot about how insecure someone feels if they are upset about what are really minor things that their partner's ex has asked for help with.

ihearsounds · 06/04/2013 17:50

If the op starts being a control freak, who goes down the road of replying to the ew, the op could, with extremely good reason, find herself the ex.

I cannot believe that people, who are supposed to be adults, treat another adult as a child. Control, regardless of who is doing it, is not a part of a healthy relationship.

If the op cannot accept the fact that for the rest of his life, he will have contact with the exwife, then this isn't the relationship for her. It is better for the child, that the parents get on, rather than the bickering and only contact through the solicitor.

Theicingontop · 06/04/2013 17:52

God, I hope if me and DP ever separate he doesn't end up with someone like you, Losing. I'd be very upset if she tried to stop me contacting the father of my child Hmm

Though no more upset than disappointed in my DP for allowing himself to be manipulated.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 06/04/2013 17:54

I remember when my partner's ex only wanted to contact him through her mum and vice versa. It was sooo uncomfortable for me and didn't help their daughter one bit. They now have a very amicable and friendly relationship and I would hate it if they ever fell out and didn't maintain proper contact.

Booyhoo · 06/04/2013 17:54

so losing you would actually take your partner's phone and reply on his behalf? what if he refused to hand it over? what if he replied before you got to it? would you be angry with him? how far do your controlling tendancies go? would you accept your partner taking it upon themselves to respond to any messages on your phone he felt he was better placed to respond to than you? what if he decided he didn't like how often your mum was in touch and decided to try and put her off by replying himself? is that acceptable?

macdoodle · 06/04/2013 17:54

Losing have you got children? Because I am gobsmacked by some of the things you are saying and cannot imagine a decent human being mother saying them.

Losingexcessweight · 06/04/2013 18:04

I do have a child yes.

I do think its acceptable to text back an ex thats pestering about none child related things to show that yes you are there and you do exist.

If its child related, i wouldnt have a problem with that.

Of course i wouldnt text his mum or friends back (smile)

Losingexcessweight · 06/04/2013 18:04

Smile got it right this time

Booyhoo · 06/04/2013 18:08

"I do think its acceptable to text back an ex thats pestering about none child related things to show that yes you are there and you do exist."

but them texting has nothing to do with you so reminding her that you exist isn't acheiving anything. she knows you exist, she doesn't text because she thinks he has no partner!

i didnt ask if you would text his friend or mum back. i asked how you would feel if your partner felt your mum texted you too much with unimportant things and took it upon himself to reply to them sending a clear message that her textx were unwelcome. would that be acceptable to you?

Losingexcessweight · 06/04/2013 18:12

Boo

My mother texting is completely different thing. It wouldnt bother me if dh read the text for me, told me what it said and replied back what my response was.

Dh goes regularly ask whos texted or emailed when my phone goes off.

Its no biggy

Booyhoo · 06/04/2013 18:15

no it's not completely different.

it is one person deciding that the contact between two other people that doesn't concern them is unacceptable and that they have the power to change it.

if you think it's different because it is teh ex rather than a friend or relative then your problem is not the ex, your problem is jealousy.

Booyhoo · 06/04/2013 18:17

"It wouldnt bother me if dh read the text for me, told me what it said and replied back what my response was."

is this what you were suggesting the OP does? read her partner's message and text back his response? it didn't sound like that was what you were saying tbh. but if it was, what would be the point if you are just going to text back what he would say then why not just leav it to him to reply?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 06/04/2013 18:18

if you think it's different because it is teh ex rather than a friend or relative then your problem is not the ex, your problem is jealousy.

Absolutely.

ihearsounds · 06/04/2013 18:18

But you picking up his phone and replying to her isn't the same as if dh read the text for me, told me what it said and replied back what my response was. the difference there is that you are both discussing the text. He is replying your answer. He isn't just picking up your phone and replying what he feels like telling her, like don't contact loosing anymore unless its about mum/dd things.

Losingexcessweight · 06/04/2013 18:20

I ve just mentioned some of your points to dh, his reply?

He would not be happy with me texting an ex (he was badly betrayed in the past)

We dont like each others ex's being mentioned like what we did with them etc.

Its bad form to mention ex's etc

Anyway dh does not find me controlling, nor do i find him controlling

Booyhoo · 06/04/2013 18:22

you have just said in your own post that your DH has his own issues regarding trust.

anyway. none of that answers my question. that is just you and your DH's own personal issues wrt trust and jealousy.

Losingexcessweight · 06/04/2013 18:22

Read some of the further responses....

If i was to text dh's ex back i would be telling him out loud what i was texting as i was typing it.

Therefore he would be having a say in it before it was sent.

Booyhoo · 06/04/2013 18:26

so what would be the point of you texting back instead of him? couldn't he just text his own response? is he a child?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 06/04/2013 18:27

Losing I just asked my DP the very same thing, and I asked him if he would appreciate me getting hold of his phone and telling him to tell his ex to get lost when shes texts him.

His reply? He would be "fucking pissed off at me"

Good job then that I would never do that!

Booyhoo · 06/04/2013 18:27

i also think it's very cowardly to text back from your DH's phone. if you have a problem call her up from your own phone or speak to her face to face like an adult and tell her what your problem is.

Losingexcessweight · 06/04/2013 18:28

Christ booyhoo your asking an awful lot of questions.

Why dont you text me instead and my husband will reply to you Wink

Booyhoo · 06/04/2013 18:30

i agree sowhat

i would dump a partner who decided they were going to take control of my phone and respond to whatever messages they saw fit.

i'm an adult, i'm quite capable of managing my own relationships. i dont need a 'parent figure' partner to be my spine and do my 'big girl' talking for me.

WorraLiberty · 06/04/2013 18:30

If i was to text dh's ex back i would be telling him out loud what i was texting as i was typing it.

Therefore he would be having a say in it before it was sent.

Well the only say I'd be having is "Put my fucking phone down and butt out"

BitOutOfPractice · 06/04/2013 18:30

I separated from the father of my children 5½ years ago. We still text each other regularly. Sometimes for a favour. Sometimes about the football. Cometimes to see how a mutual friend is, sometimes about the kids...you get the picture.

If my DP had a problem with that i would be really worried about him. ExH's partner does nt have a problem with it either.

What with us all being adults and that

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