To expect DP to tell his ex wife to push off?

[Louiseteacher30]

Will try and keep this brief

Basically DP and I have been together just over a year, when we met he had recently separated from his wife with whom he has a 4 year old daughter. At the beginning of our relationship things were difficult; his now ex wife would make life difficult for both of us and this directly effected the behaviour of their daughter who was extremely unsettled. Recently things have settled down and life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing) that we saw a year ago.

Whilst DP receives less phone calls, his ex wife has begun texting odd requests for favours, none of which are linked to their daughter. Some of the most recent ones have included:

• Career advice - both are doctors so I can sort of understand that one
  
• requests for support with fixing an email account/ setting up new software on a mobile phone
  
• A very odd request to bring back some duty free for her when we go on holiday
  

DP receives these texts at least 4 times a week, sometimes favours, sometimes mindless drivel.

He appears quite chilled about it all, he sometimes responds, sometimes ignores them.

AIBU to expect DP to tell the ex to push off and get a job/life/boyfriend?

[Losingexcessweight]

Just because its not normal or acceptable in your relationship.

That doesn't mean its not normal or acceptable in other peoples relationships

[Booyhoo]

well losing you have avoided the question and i'm really keen to know the answer. please humour me and reply.

[WorraLiberty]

Control freakery isn't normal and really shouldn't be acceptable in any relationship.

[Losingexcessweight]

Boo

Ask me the question again please, i ve read that much response on here i dont know what question it is

[Booyhoo]

oh you can have whatever sort of unhealthy relationship you like losing, but if you want to encourage another family to take on your possesive controlling traits then expect to be called on it.

[McNewPants2013]

What is wrong with them having a frienship.

I think it is refreshing to hear that a separated couple can come together for the sake of the child.

[Booyhoo]

ok

HERE'S THE QUESTION (big incase you missed it again)

would you accept your DH deciding that your mother texted you too often about things he considered unnecessary and replying to her texts from your phone making it clear that her texts were unwelcome?

[Losingexcessweight]

Its not possessive.

We just have different views on whats normal in a relationship/marriage.

That doesnt make my view wrong and yours right or vice versa

[TheBigJessie]

If my husband and I ever divorce, it would be far better for our children if we could remain friends, and interact like normal people who had had children together. Who had been important parts of each other's lives, even if we were no longer in love. And to manage to be able to parent together. If you have a child together, you will always be connected.

Rather than a faux-formal, pretend-the-past-didn't-happen-state for the benefit of a new girlfriend with the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old girl!

Grow up, and if you can't cope with men who have children, and didn't lieve in a box before you met them, don't date them!

[KayHunt]

my mum called my dad for help when I was younger, even though they had been split for many years, my dad helped where he could.

In fact, my mum called him in an emergency and he came straight away, 10 years after they split. Helping my mum out with non-child related things actually is in the best interests of the child. Being amicable makes for a happier child.

If it was constant then it's a bit too much but a handful of times a week isn't too much.

[Losingexcessweight]

In answer to your question...

No it is not acceptable. But i havent had sexual relations, been in a loving physical relationship, or desired my mother.

With an ex you have done all of that.

Thats what the difference is.

You cant be friends with an ex as one of you will always hold a torch for the other.

[Booyhoo]

im wondering how far this control would go.

for example when my EX collects or drops off the dcs we will often chat for a minute or two, about what the dcs got up to, had they eaten etc. but we also will talk about things like whether i managed to get my tumble drier working again and do i want him to have a look at it, or about people we both know that one of us ran into the other day, or how is job search is going. is this unacceptable? should i cut him short when he mentions something unrelated to the dcs? should i anticipate his fiancee arriving the moment all child related information has been relayed with a "time is up now booyhoo- you may no longer talk with my fiancee" because that is basically what you would be doing by texting her from your dh's phone to 'let her know you exist'

[whistleahappytune]

Sorry Losing but you sound like a loon. And your view is wrong wrong wrong.

BigJess I totally agree. Would children of divorce not cope better and the world not be a better place if instead of civility there was a genuine friendship and god forbid, affection for someone you've had a child with.

[Booyhoo]

"No it is not acceptable. But i havent had sexual relations, been in a loving physical relationship, or desired my mother."

"You cant be friends with an ex as one of you will always hold a torch for the other."

who told you this? your husband? it's bollocks BTW.

[McPheetStink]

A friend of mine has today texted her exh to ask if he is still intending on seeing their children tomorrow. The new 'friend' texted her back a load of abuse. She has not heard from the ex himself.

This is ongoing from someone who thinks he is father of the yr

[whistleahappytune]

Where is OP?

[McNewPants2013]

Of course you can be friends with an ex, my ex came to my wedding.

The reason we split up is because I was the wrong sex for him :)

[Losingexcessweight]

No my husband never told me, i got told that when i was about 13 by an older relative.

Always stuck with me.

I can even hear him saying it actually even though it was all those years ago.

[Losingexcessweight]

Mcpheet

Now that is wrong, totally wrong.

[Booyhoo]

you've held onto a belief someone else told you when you were 13 and have never questioned it?

[Booyhoo]

what is totally totally wrong?

[ihearsounds]

You can be friends with exes though.

I was out last night with one. Did I mention my dps ex was also there. Adults and all that. No animosity. No wanting to fuck each other. We are exes for a reason. My ex at some point met up someone. I didn't go psycho on either of them.

Oh I have also been a witness at an exes wedding. And am god parent.

[thebody]

We had an awful example this week of disfunctionsl controlling fucked up relationships and how not to parent ending in 6 children's deaths.

Thank god your partner and his ex are sensible mature adults who put their child's happiness first.

Op you are being daft and loosing your relative gave you wrong advice.

[TheBigJessie]

BigJess I totally agree. Would children of divorce not cope better and the world not be a better place if instead of civility there was a genuine friendship and god forbid, affection for someone you've had a child with.

Personal anecdata says, "yes, definitely!"

[pumpkinsweetie]

Sounds like they are keeping things civil like any divorced couple with children should do.
Unless you have trust issues, i don't see why you are bothered.