To expect DP to tell his ex wife to push off?

[Louiseteacher30]

Will try and keep this brief

Basically DP and I have been together just over a year, when we met he had recently separated from his wife with whom he has a 4 year old daughter. At the beginning of our relationship things were difficult; his now ex wife would make life difficult for both of us and this directly effected the behaviour of their daughter who was extremely unsettled. Recently things have settled down and life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing) that we saw a year ago.

Whilst DP receives less phone calls, his ex wife has begun texting odd requests for favours, none of which are linked to their daughter. Some of the most recent ones have included:

• Career advice - both are doctors so I can sort of understand that one
• requests for support with fixing an email account/ setting up new software on a mobile phone
• A very odd request to bring back some duty free for her when we go on holiday

DP receives these texts at least 4 times a week, sometimes favours, sometimes mindless drivel.

He appears quite chilled about it all, he sometimes responds, sometimes ignores them.

AIBU to expect DP to tell the ex to push off and get a job/life/boyfriend?

YABU. He has a child with his ex wife, therefore she will be a part of his life forever. That was your choice when you decided to partner up with him. And since when did 'getting a boyfriend' fix anything, that is just a tragic attitude. Perhaps your 'life' shouldn't revolve so much around your 'boyfriend'. Be stronger than that, and stop caring so much.

How old are you because you sound about twelve.
Unfortunately for you you chose to get into a relationship with a recently separated but STILL MARRIED man with a young child.
Therefore it will not be like a relationship with any other guy you've been out with. There will always be ties.
I am remarried and text my ex about twice a week re out chikdren or gossip about joint acquaintances etc. he even does jobs on the house.
He and dh are currently going to the hospital together to be tested to be donors for my ds. That's life.

I so wish this site has a bloody 'like' button!

Why would you like this tho?? Genuinely puzzled?

Not the OP, I'm not that stoopid.

Some of the replies make so much sense.

As others have said, he has a child with this woman, she will always be part of his life, if its too much for you to deal with then perhaps you should leave them to it and find sonebody who doesnt have a child

Oh sorry mcpheet [grun]

life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing)

She'd recently been left alone (whether amicable or not) to raise her 4yo daughter, to find that her husband had moved on quickly to a new woman. I don't think you're in any position to say that she was angry over 'nothing'.

And now she's over it, being civil and friendly to the father of her child and his girlfriend, you're expecting DP to tell her where to go? Does that extend to his daughter, too? Because you don't get one without the other, I'm afraid. That's what happens when two people have a marriage and a child together.

You sound incredibly naive and selfish.

YANBU. This annoys me too. DP's ex made life as difficult as she could for us in the first 2 years we were together (she still tries to, even now) Her behaviour has certainly affected SDCs relationship with me and caused a lot of problems between me and DP in the past.

While its really annoying that she still texts for random reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with the DC and sometimes I do wish she'd push off and leave us alone, there comes a point where you do just have to try to let it go otherwise it will cause problems between you and DP.

I think, for me anyway, it wouldn't seem as much as an issue if she hadn't been so difficult in the beginning and the friendship and respect went both ways. She would be the first to tell DP to push off if he ever text her for any other reason apart from the DCs!

The requests don't sound that odd. And most of the doctor couples I know have known each other a long time, maybe been medical school friends before becoming a couple, or worked together when very junior. That gives quite a strong friendship bond too and once the relationship dust has settled I can imagine it would be Beth strange to just cut eachother our completely. Even if they couldn't stand the sight of each other, they would still have to deal with one another so surely an amicable way is better for all concerned. I for one am quite pleased that people in caring professions manage to be pleasant to exes-compassion shouldn't just be confined to a job!

I disagree with the other posters on here.

It would annoy me too, they are not friends, they have to be civil as they have a child together but they are not friends.

If i wanted something doing that wasnt child related then the last person i would ask is my ex.

Handovers of the child should be amicable, thats all the contact they should have unless its child related.

Yanbu

how do you know they aren't friends losing?

you are projecting. your feelings about your ex are not the 'norm' and not a gudie everyone else should follow. they are individual to you for whatever reasons you have.

I don't think anything you've said that she's done/asked is odd or OTT.

If things have already moved on from being difficult to a lot calmer in such a short space of time then you are doing pretty well really. It is very early days for you all, the ex and her child particularly.

Four texts a week, provided they are not shitty abusive ones, is not too intrusive - considering also they are from the mother of his child.

You may at this time still feel like she is a fly in the ointment of your relationship but she will always be there, so the sooner you accept that fact and appreciate that actually things are better than they were, the better for all of you.

This is your opportunity to show to her and your partner how accommodating and benevolent you are, - by showing irritation at her texts and requests you will only demonstrate to her that you are insecure about her existence and the history she has with your partner and the fact they share a child.

And pick your battles, really it could be a whole lot worse for a prolonged time - it sounds like you've got it pretty good really.

He's not even divorced yet, just separated & there is a pre-school child in the mix? Have I got that right?

Her priority is maintaining a healthy friendship with the father of her child, for the benefit of that child for approximately the next 20 years. They also share a common career in a world where they are bound to have mutual colleagues etc.

Are you wanting a young child's welfare and your partners career to suffer just because you are insecure?

Your legal status is still that of the OW so you are bound to feel a little insecure - that's not the wife's problem & it's not your partner's either. If you can't handle the situation, then go find someone who is free of all ties, legally single and with no children - preferably in a career where your pathetic neurosis cannot cause any harm.

Grow up. YABU.

YABVU. The more civil they are the better for the child.

As for saying she should get a boyfriend, lots of people dont want to parade a variety of "aunts and uncles" through their childrens lives. It unsettles the children who need to know they come first in their parents life not a boyfriend or girlfriend.

bochead you have no idea what X's priorities are! It would be nice to think that her priorities are her child and maintaining a healthy relationship. But my experience of being in OP's position is that nothing could've been further from DP's XW's mind!
Oh yes she tried to make out, to anyone who would listen, what a devoted mother she was and how she was only trying to stay friends with DP. When the reality was that she was, and still is, a manipulative, devious, selfish woman, who uses her own child in her games.

YADNBU OP, but you are in a bloody difficult position. I just passed a comment when it was appropriate but mostly tried to keep my counsel (didn't always work). I tried to understand that I had everything she wanted and I suppose she had reason to be bitter. But there comes a point when she has to get over it and move on. He doesn't want you and no amount of texting, playing the little woman to get jobs done, slagging me off, will change that.

I understand you're annoyed by this. But she is the mother of his child and he should treat her with respect and he is clearly doing.
If you were the ex-wife, how would you want him to behave?
I don't understand why women get involved with men who have family commitments if they can't handle it!
I have a twisted Step Mother - don't end up like her!

My DP and his ex have a very amicable relationship for the sake of their daughter. Most subjects they talk about are regarding their daughter. My DP is currently at his ex's at the moment whilst their daughter tries some summer dresses on for school, so he knows what size we need to buy. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. Means I can spend a bit of one on one time with my boys.

I honestly don't know about everything she texts my DP. I don't read his messages. But whenever she rings and I can obviously hear the conversation it is matters regarding their daughter. Even if it was a favour, I really wouldn't be arsed a long as it didn't interfere with any plans we had.

Bochead I couldn't agree with you more.

SoWhat how refreshing. More like you please.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would walk out on his wife and 3 yr old child. I think that is awful behaviour.

Maybe the behaviour of the XW was so awful that he couldn't stand it any longer.

It is still a mystery to me how DP stuck with XW for nearly 20 years. I believe that she was EA and practically groomed him!

Mythumbs

So the man should just stay in an unhappy relationship just because he has a child with the woman?

It doesnt make him a horrible person at all just because he and his exp are no longer together.

And to the posters who would be fine with the ex texting about none important things..

Imagine your all geared up for sex with your dp, or maybe just about on the verge of an orgasm, and the phone goes, and its dp ex, how would you feel about that?

I wouldnt be happy about that. If the ex p cant do things then she needs to learn, or ask someone else, but you dont ask your ex. He shouldnt be the first person on your mind to ask.