To expect DP to tell his ex wife to push off?

[Louiseteacher30]

Will try and keep this brief

Basically DP and I have been together just over a year, when we met he had recently separated from his wife with whom he has a 4 year old daughter. At the beginning of our relationship things were difficult; his now ex wife would make life difficult for both of us and this directly effected the behaviour of their daughter who was extremely unsettled. Recently things have settled down and life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing) that we saw a year ago.

Whilst DP receives less phone calls, his ex wife has begun texting odd requests for favours, none of which are linked to their daughter. Some of the most recent ones have included:

• Career advice - both are doctors so I can sort of understand that one
  
• requests for support with fixing an email account/ setting up new software on a mobile phone
  
• A very odd request to bring back some duty free for her when we go on holiday
  

DP receives these texts at least 4 times a week, sometimes favours, sometimes mindless drivel.

He appears quite chilled about it all, he sometimes responds, sometimes ignores them.

AIBU to expect DP to tell the ex to push off and get a job/life/boyfriend?

[holidaysarenice]

This thread will always kick off because you will be classed unfairly as 'the other woman!'

In your place I would respond to the important texts re dd, otherwise its pointless drivel.

[Viviennemary]

Four texts a week doesn't seem that bad. But I think once you split up you should move on. And not expect a new partner to be part of a cosy friendly threesome. Which some people seem to think is the norm. But I don't think asking for the odd favour is too unacceptable.

[Spero]

If someone answers their phone whilst you are teetering on brink of an orgasm the problems in your relationship up have nothing to do with who is on other end of phone...

[Machli]

Brutha I am simply unable to see the issue with a text requesting a newspaper on the way to pick his kids up. Presumably she gets her own paper every other day and every other weekend? How petty to have a problem with that.

[BruthasTortoise]

Um I suppose because she only had the kids one night every other weekend and was supposed to keep them til 6pm. Instead of doing that she would ask him to pick the kids up 8 hours early and bring her the Sunday papers presumably so she and her DP could have a lazy afternoon together while my DH was looking after the kids as he did the other 13 days a fortnight.

[LineRunner]

I think it's good that they are so friendly, for the DC's sake. My ExH treats me like the shit on his shoe and it is incredibly upsetting and stressful for everyone else including his current girlfriend.

Nice is, indeed, nicer.

[BruthasTortoise]

And I'm failing to see the pettiness in being annoyed at that, Machli.

[Fudgemallowdelight]

I would feel that DP was a total wanker and soon to be an Ex for answering the phone in those circumstances.

[Losingexcessweight]

Just read updated thread.

Regarding the sex thing i mentioned....

Yes people do take their phones to bed, they may not have a landline, may have a poorly relative and need to be contactable throught the night.

No of course you dont reply to a text during sex but if the sound of the text makes you lose the moment especially if it is one of those phones that repeat the text tune every min until the text has been read, then yes that can put you off sex.

Obviously it doesnt matter who is texting, it may still put you off and annoy you abit, but to then find it was the ex texting who shouldnt be texting anyway as the text was not regarding the child, then it may piss you off alot more than it would of done if say it was your mum texting etc.

I think i ve answered all the questions people asked regarding that

Op, next time your dp gets a text from his ex which is not childcare related, then simply say to him that you would rather she only texted regarding the child, and to text her that saying so.

If your dp wont do that, then that says alot about whos feeling are his priority.

You are his main priority, along wih his child. His ex is not even a priority, and she should be told her place, which is at the bottom of his list.

[Lottashakingoinon]

If your dp wont do that, then that says alot about whos feeling are his priority.

Or it could just mean he thinks OP is being unreasonable and possessive and judging by a lot of responses here, he would not be alone

[WorraLiberty]

Op, next time your dp gets a text from his ex which is not childcare related, then simply say to him that you would rather she only texted regarding the child, and to text her that saying so.

Why should he text her that if it doesn't bother him?

It's probably far better that the OP learns to get over this, rather than telling him what to text.

[Losingexcessweight]

I dont think its possessive.

Ok lets flip this round...

Op's ex texts her, she replys more or less everytime, her ex asks her to help him with something, so off op pops to her ex's house to help him with something.

She helps him with something at least 4 times a week.

How do you think op's dp will like that? I have a feeling he will change his tune then.

[fallon8]

You knew when you got involved,there was an ex plus child..goes with the terrotor

[fallon8]

Should re territory

[Snoopingforsoup]

losingexcessweight thanks for giving me a hearty belly laugh.

[Lottashakingoinon]

I've no idea how much OP's hypothetical ex would or would not like it XS but as this is not happening in the OP's case it's kind of irrelevant. (OP says XW texts 4 times a week not that DP goes scuttling off 4 times a week)


And to flip it back, supposing OP and her ex have a cordial relationship which is threatening no -one and is in any case dropping off, how would we react if her DP told her to cut all but the most essential of ties.

[Lottashakingoinon]

Sorry that should be no idea how her current DP would like it and in any case her ex is hypothetical.


As you were....

[FreudiansSlipper]

I still go out for dinner with the ex and ds sometimes

If his gf has a problem with it that is her problem and only hers

[SoupDragon]

next time your dp gets a text from his ex which is not childcare related, then simply say to him that you would rather she only texted regarding the child, and to text her that saying so.

Control freak alert!

[flaminhoopsaloolah]

You're just going to have to deal with it. You get into a relationship with a man who had only just split with his wife and they have a daughter together. She's always going to be a part of your lives. Things could be a lot worse: she could be outside your front door shouting obscenities and posting hate mail to you, but she's not....she's being friendly with her exH (whom he has a daughter with...just reminding you) and things seem reasonably settled and your P seems undisturbed by her texts. Why are you so bothered?

[BarredfromhavingStella]

Please don't take the advice of Losing , you are & always will be his 2nd priority-his child is his 1st.

You do need to grow up & get over this as maintaining a good relationship with his ex is important for the child. He sounds like a good man which probably means you'll be the one dumped if you try to make things difficult.

[Losingexcessweight]

Well i must be a control freak then

I wouldnt put up with it.

[BruthasTortoise]

The thing is losing that without the OP having to do anything the ex will most likely, as she moves on with her own life and develops a new support network, stop texting about non child related stuff anyway. Sometimes, if you're in for the long haul, the softly, softly approach is best rather than putting your foot down and possibly putting one foot out the door at the same time.

[nkf]

I think you are probably getting yourself worked up about something that will turn out to be nothing much. They weren't long separated when you got together, they have a child. They are disentangling and it takes a while. You got together with him before the disentangling was complete. That would be my take on the matter.

[Losingexcessweight]

Op should not be 2nd priority, the op and her dp child should come equal, neither should have priority over the other.

The op's dp should consider her feelings. The texting doesnt bother her dp, but it bothers the op and thats what her dp needs to realise.

If my dh told me i was 2nd priority, things wouldnt end well and he would find himself out on his arse.