To expect DP to tell his ex wife to push off?

[Louiseteacher30]

Will try and keep this brief

Basically DP and I have been together just over a year, when we met he had recently separated from his wife with whom he has a 4 year old daughter. At the beginning of our relationship things were difficult; his now ex wife would make life difficult for both of us and this directly effected the behaviour of their daughter who was extremely unsettled. Recently things have settled down and life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing) that we saw a year ago.

Whilst DP receives less phone calls, his ex wife has begun texting odd requests for favours, none of which are linked to their daughter. Some of the most recent ones have included:

• Career advice - both are doctors so I can sort of understand that one
  
• requests for support with fixing an email account/ setting up new software on a mobile phone
  
• A very odd request to bring back some duty free for her when we go on holiday
  

DP receives these texts at least 4 times a week, sometimes favours, sometimes mindless drivel.

He appears quite chilled about it all, he sometimes responds, sometimes ignores them.

AIBU to expect DP to tell the ex to push off and get a job/life/boyfriend?

[PenelopePortrait]

loosing excessweight spot on.

XW needs to move on/push off and find someone else.

OP YADNBU

[HollyBerryBush]

I think the OP should reign her neck in - or her boyfriend will be waltzing off; his first alliance is to his daughter and to do that he needs to retain an amicable relationship with the childs mother, who is still co-incidentally his wife.

[Lottashakingoinon]

It is still a mystery to me how DP stuck with XW for nearly 20 years. I believe that she was EA and practically groomed him!

LOL Penelope are you my XH's DW because I am pretty sure she would say the same about me (as I would about him!) but then she doesn't exactly have an unbiased account/pov!

[WorraLiberty]

Imagine your all geared up for sex with your dp, or maybe just about on the verge of an orgasm, and the phone goes, and its dp ex, how would you feel about that?

Pulling extreme scenarios out of the bag does nothing to strengthen your point

I'd feel the silly fucker should have turned his phone off....

[Booyhoo]

"Imagine your all geared up for sex with your dp, or maybe just about on the verge of an orgasm, and the phone goes, and its dp ex, how would you feel about that?"

who the fuck even looks at the phone if it goes off during sex? you ignore it knowing you will check it later and ring back/text back if necessary.

and if that is your reason for it being unreasonable for her to text then the same would go for anyone texting someone in a realtionship.

should i not text my mum incase her and dad are having a bit of afternoon delight and i put her off?

your sex life shouldn't be in the forefront of anyone's mind when they need to text the father of their child about something.

[Booyhoo]

"If the ex p cant do things then she needs to learn, or ask someone else, but you dont ask your ex. He shouldnt be the first person on your mind to ask."

it has only been a year. it takes time to get over the loss of the relationship and learn how to cope on your own. especially if your husband has been your best friend for years! if their set-up was that he dealt with all the techie stuff and was happy to then she never needed to learn as they were a partnership and that's how they worked. forgive the woman for still struggling with it and asking for help only 12 months down the line. i'm sure her priorities in that time have been somewhat different than becoming tech savvy.

[SoupDragon]

Imagine your all geared up for sex with your dp, or maybe just about on the verge of an orgasm, and the phone goes, and its dp ex, how would you feel about that?

I would feel that DP was a total wanker and soon to be an Ex for answering the phone in those circumstances.

[HollyBerryBush]

I'm wondering of it's normal to take your phone to bed? Bizarre.

[BruthasTortoise]

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to stop being reliant on your ex once the relationship is over. If the ex in the OP were a friend on mine I would probably be encouraging her to limit these sort of ties with her ex in case the friendship completely sours as some point in the future. I think it's always better to have a support network for personal matters that doesn't include your ex.

On a side note I think some posters have been very quick to judge the OPs DP without knowing the facts. It's not always the man who leaves and if he does it's not always for bad reasons.

[DontSHOUTTTTTT]

Gosh, there is always so much 'baggage' and anger carried into threads about ex's / new partners etc.

I agree with most of the posters and agree that the OP should not worry about it. In the long term it is a million times better for everyone, especially the DC's, if all the parties involved get on well.

It really is a case of doing the right thing.

I hope you reflect on the comments in this thread and I hope everything works out OK

[Booyhoo]

well you wouldn't be able to add to the list of why she's a bitch from hell get all pissed off with your DP's Ex for ruining the mood if you didn't bring it to the bedroom, so it's kind of necessary to maintain the lovely green colour that you sport so well isn't it?

[WorraLiberty]

I suppose judging without facts is par for the course when the OP only makes one post.

[Jan49]

My ex-h left me and our son for OW. One of the things I found hard was his assumption that it would be totally unreasonable for me to expect him to do anything that was connected to our previous lives together, such as sort out his own belongings in our family home rather than leaving me to deal with it all.

Last year we sold the family home and I asked him for help beforehand to clear the garage of his junk. He did it but told our son he didn't see why he should do this. I hate the attitude that one parent can walk out and leave the other with the kids and the one with the kids gets all the responsibility. In fact if I had to go through that time again I'd like to tell my ex "either you deal with it or your belongings will be out in the rain".

Sorry that's a bit off topic, but my point is, you shouldn't just end a relationship and walk away when there are children involved. Your DP will have responsibilities towards his child for the next 14 years. So you can't expect his ex to walk away and have a totally separate life.

[Louiseteacher30]

Thank you everyone for your contributions; it is very interesting to read so many perspectives and that many of you think IABU.
I did leave a few details out of my original post as I typed in haste, DP ex wife left him after she had an affair- he did say that the marriage had declined and doesn't blame her- I was interested to see that lots of posters immediately jumped on the affair bandwagon, I often do this too, but it wasn't the case.

[BruthasTortoise]

Fair point Worra, just think it's bad form to assume that if a couple have split the man is automatically to blame and he must be awful to have abandoned his wife and child. Obviously the OP hasn't gave any evidence to the contrary but at the same time I think it's a massive leap given the info in the OP.

[Snoopingforsoup]

HollyBerryBush I believe that's the first time I've ever agreed with you!
This man may be having the time of his life with his new partner, but if she carries on with the attitude of a 15 year old, I can't imagine he'll be too enchanted with everything else he has going on!
Instead of treating the ex wife as a threat OP, you need to chill out. He's with you but he has a child from a past relationship and while she's only 4, she's going to take priority over you. And as most have pointed out, the ex will always be a part of your relationship. In my experience, the ex wife finding a new partner is the time you could find the hardest as you'll find out for sure what he really thinks of his ex wife.

[MorrisZapp]

Lol@ texting during orgasm. That really moves the debate on.

[Booyhoo]

"I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to stop being reliant on your ex once the relationship is over. If the ex in the OP were a friend on mine I would probably be encouraging her to limit these sort of ties with her ex in case the friendship completely sours as some point in the future. I think it's always better to have a support network for personal matters that doesn't include your ex."

i agree. but it very much depends on the relationship you had before he left and how well you are coping alone etc. 12 months isn't a long time and for something like a techie issue that doesn't come up every day, it might not even enter your head to find someone else to deal with that stuff until a situation arises where you need help and the only person you know is your ex, who you are on friendly terms. there are alot of factors that will determine how quickly a person moves on and becomes self sufficient. it will take longer for someone who was quite dependant on their husband and who has maybe struggled to cope alone with the child aswell as work through the whole emotional side of things.

[WorraLiberty]

Then why are you so insecure about their relationship being 'matey' OP?

If neither of them want to be with each other, surely it's best for the DD that they can communicate easily now?

[WorraLiberty]

Totally agree with you there BruthasTortoise

That's an assumption that's often made without anyone knowing the facts.

[Booyhoo]

OP

any thoughts on what people have said regarding your attitude towards their relationship and the fact that you think she should push off?

[BruthasTortoise]

My DH, who has always been the resident parent of his DC, used to get a text message as regular as clock work every other Sunday morning before 10am from his ex. It would read a long the lines of The kids are playing up, come and get them and could you stop at the shop on the way and get me the Sunday papers. Baring in mind the DC were supposed to stay until 6pm and it was only EOW, this used to annoy the life out of me. But he did it for the sake of trying to maintain a civil relationship for the sake of his children, the way it saw it he was responsible for his DC and he wasnt willing to get into a row over a newspaper. These are the sacrifices that need to be made I suppose.

[maddening]

I think a lot of people are projecting their own experiences and treating op as the ow.

really the ex should be texting/emailing/calling about their dd not random stuff. She made her bed etc etc this man is not at her beck and call anymore - he is at his daughter's beck and call though.

I wouldn't say anything to dp though - it may gradually taper off and as the relationship carries on and you become stepmother you will be grateful for an amicable relationship and by remaining the "bigger person" you will benefit in the end.

[Wannabestepfordwife]

IMO sometimes the person responsible for the breakdown of a relationship takes longer to move on due to their feelings of guilt.

[Lottashakingoinon]

he did say that the marriage had declined and doesn't blame her-


Hmmm intersesting You also said earlier that he seems pretty chilled about her contact. Could it be that what really gets up your nose and leads to some rather childish outbursts (push off, get a life etc etc) is not so much that his Ex keeps in touch but that he bears her no ill will? If so...don't let it...it speaks far more highly of him than if he were forever bitching about her.


Right? Of course right!!