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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want my ex to move his girlfriend into his house

100 replies

chickensaladagain · 03/04/2013 22:37

ok ok, I know technically it's nothing to do with me but....

ExP has been with his girlfriend for 6 months, 3 months of which she has been in hospital being treated for bi-polar

her dd doesn't live with her, she lives with her grandparents and I'm not sure what sort of access she has

ExP wants to move her in to his house so he can look after her and help her

he has been treated for bi-polar in the past but has been stable and off meds for the last 5 years

he has our dcs every other weekend

this set up makes me very very nervous

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/04/2013 22:38

Nervous of what?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 03/04/2013 22:39

What are you nervous about?

SirBoobAlot · 03/04/2013 22:41

Oh yes, another mental health bashing thread.

AIBU to be concerned that my exP has a new girlfriend and after knowing her for only six months she is now moving in, when our DCs go there every other weekend? - No, YANBU.

AIBU to be nervous because my ex is seeing someone with a mental health illness? - Yes, YABVU.

If she's been in hospital, then she's accessing treatment.

Original poster

chickensaladagain · 03/04/2013 22:43

nervous that it will trigger his mental health issues -I've lived through that and it's not something I want the dcs to witness

but also nervous that the dcs will be living with her alternate weekends, they have only met her once when she was manic and they thought she was great fun but he won't tell me what her current state is -she has been released from hospital but that's all he has told me but the fact that he wants to 'look after her'? I'm not sure what that means

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 03/04/2013 22:44

No OP, YANBU to raise the question, because you obviously have no dealings with or understand of bi-polar

What you need to do is read and understand what Bi-polar is, how it affects people and the support they may need. MH issues come in many forms, the best thing you can do is be supportive and above all educated about it.

whois · 03/04/2013 22:44

I don't think you are being U to be concerned for the reasons you listed. But hoards of posters falling over themselves to be overly PC will say otherwise.

Original poster

chickensaladagain · 03/04/2013 22:44

this is not a mental health bashing thread

OP posts:

villagebird · 03/04/2013 22:45

This reply has been deleted

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SirBoobAlot · 03/04/2013 22:45

If you ex has a long term mental health illness, they will witness it at some point. Cold hard fact for you there.

Presumably you knew about his mental health illness before you conceived his children, the traits even if he didn't have a formal diagnosis.

So to now decide that he is suddenly a risk to then is ridiculous.

TheNebulousBoojum · 03/04/2013 22:46

On a different tangent, how old are your children, and what contact do you have with them whilst they are at his house? Have they phoned you in the past because they were unhappy?

Original poster

chickensaladagain · 03/04/2013 22:47

HollyBerryBush

my ExP was diagnosed with bi-polar 13 years ago, 2 years after we got together

he has been off meds for 5 years -his choice but done under supervision

I lived ith him and his diagnosis for 10 years so please don't tell me I know nothing about bi-polar

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 03/04/2013 22:47

"Need to know that she not some lunatic."

Seriously, villagebird?

Wow.

Go fucking educate yourself.

Hassled · 03/04/2013 22:48

You're not being unreasonable to be nervous - whatever her MH, there's a new person becoming involved in the lives of your DC who their father has known for a very short time. I'd be nervous.

You need a long frank discussion with your Ex. If he's had treatment for bipolar himself then he'll probably have a realistic view of how well she will be when she gets out of hospital. Just talk to him - in a "how can we work together to make this easy for the kids?" sort of way. Be polite but persistent.

HollyBerryBush · 03/04/2013 22:49

Sorry Op - I didn't read properly that your DH was also bi polar.

UnbridledPositivity · 03/04/2013 22:51

Well no. Without wanting to bash people with mental health problems - if the girlfriend's DD doesn't live with her but instead with grandparents, is this court-ordered, some kind of official fostering arrangement, or all informal and the daughter could be reunited with her any day? Because if it's anything but the latter, it's a Big Deal, surely? People's children don't move in with other people just like that. So OP is reasonably worried about her children spending time with the girlfriend when the gf's time with her own child is heavily restricted.

Nothing unreasonable about that.

If I were in your position, I would want more information about the events which led to the gf's DD living with grandparents, how permanent this is, and I'd want regular updates on the gf's health in order to be able to talk to the DC about what they can expect in an age-appropriate way.

OP's job is to look out for her children. Not the gf. OP's ex's job is first to look out for the children, then his gf.

squeakytoy · 03/04/2013 22:52

Hang on.. there are many threads on here from posters who suffered due to growing up with parents with mental health issues. The OP may not have worded her post very well to start with, but surely she is not unreasonable to wonder about her childrens' welfare when they are going to be staying with one (and possibly two) adults who both suffer a severe mental health problem.

The majority of people with bi-polar do not pose any risk to anyone but themselves, however a few do.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 03/04/2013 22:52

I think given the fact that you have lived through your ex's illness you have every right to feel concerned.

This isn't about MH bashing.

I would feel the same as you. It's stupid to say you should feel no concern at all - especially as you are the one who has first hand experiences of dealing with this.

Original poster

chickensaladagain · 03/04/2013 22:53

actually I didn't know about his illness before I concieved our first child

I was pregnant while he was diagnosed

I saw the highs and the lows but they were not how I expected them to be prior to meeting anyone with a mental health issue, so yes I was clueless

we decided to have dc2 despite knowing his diagnosis because he was being treated, holding down a job etc and I think we didn't want to let his illness dictate to us

the dcs are pre teens, they have phones

I'm not concerned about their safety with him

I'm also not jumping up and down saying 'you can't have them' etc

it's his life, his time with the dcs, his choice to make who he lives with

but he has been well for a long time, the dcs don't really remember him not being well and I worry that he is putting himself in a difficult situation which will of course impact the dcs

OP posts:

QuintessentialShallots · 03/04/2013 22:56

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SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2013 23:04

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want assurances that this woman is not so ill as to be either an actual danger to your DCs, or that spending time with her might be distressing or frightening for them.

Is your XP open to reasonable discussion, or is he going to interpret your questions as you being 'jealous' of him having a new GF?

Altinkum · 03/04/2013 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

chickensaladagain · 03/04/2013 23:07

that's a tricky one SolidGoldBrass

sometimes he is entirely reasonable, sometimes not

this is not his first girlfriend since we split up 3 years ago, and he facilitated a meeting between me and his last longer term girlfriend so that was fine, but when he asked me to babysit on his access weekend and I couldn't due to work, he said I was saying no to be obstructive

so I'm really not sure

OP posts:

QuintessentialShallots · 03/04/2013 23:11

That was very unreasonable of him. On his access weekends he either spend time with his children, or arrange his own babysitter - not you.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2013 23:13

FWIW I have a good friend who has serious MH problems. DS is fond of her and she is fond of him, but when she is having a bad spell I don't take him to see her because he's only 8 and it would be distressing for him.

Altinkum · 03/04/2013 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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