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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my ex to move his girlfriend into his house

100 replies

chickensaladagain · 03/04/2013 22:37

ok ok, I know technically it's nothing to do with me but....

ExP has been with his girlfriend for 6 months, 3 months of which she has been in hospital being treated for bi-polar

her dd doesn't live with her, she lives with her grandparents and I'm not sure what sort of access she has

ExP wants to move her in to his house so he can look after her and help her

he has been treated for bi-polar in the past but has been stable and off meds for the last 5 years

he has our dcs every other weekend

this set up makes me very very nervous

OP posts:
5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs · 04/04/2013 01:32

I thinking we should report a certain poster but actually sometimes its better to know who the village idiots are.

villagebird · 04/04/2013 01:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

villagebird · 04/04/2013 01:38

5eggs please feel free. report for what. not being PC

SirBoobAlot · 04/04/2013 01:43

And that term stopped being used a long time ago, along with the other derogatory terms you have used, because they are not acceptable any more.

How many times do you need people to tell you that the fact they were used in the past does not make them acceptable now?!

5eggs I've already reported a few. Though totally see your point.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/04/2013 01:50

OP, please ignore the derailing. Honestly YANBU to be a bit concerned, particularly as you know very little about this new GF and how ill she is/what form her illness takes and whether she has a history of harming herself or others. Certainly it's fine to prioritize your DC over her feelings - and your XP's feelings, for that matter.
I would advise trying to be as sympathetic as possible when you discuss it with him ie talking in terms of her being 'well enough' to have the DC rather than 'OMG she won't go batshit and eat them will she?' but if you don't get sensible answers, or he's really vague and evasive about what sort of condition she's in, it's fine to be firm and say, no contact till you have this properly sorted out.

Altinkum · 04/04/2013 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wannabestepfordwife · 04/04/2013 08:53

Leaving her mh issues out of it I would probably ask my ex how me would feel if I moved in a new partner who I had known for 6 months but really had only spent 3 months with. The new partner has a dc but has restrictions on access but he's not allowed to meet the new partner and you didn't tell him why your new partner had restrictions on their own child I bet he would not be happy in the slightest.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs · 04/04/2013 09:36

Village - I was born in the 80's. Why would I want to go back any further. I was telling you what anyone my age or younger (and I'm not that young now, either) would call Warley.

SirBoobAlot · 04/04/2013 09:46

Village said, "Need to know that she not some lunatic", because she has a diagnosed mental illness. She then went on to suggest that because people with mental illnesses don't like being called lunatics, the health services can't help them, so they end up stabbing people.

It is that kind of ignorance that fuels mental health stigma.

I don't care if people think that makes me sound precious. Twenty years ago, and more recently, people were - rightfully - up in arms against the use of the R and S words mentioned up thread because they are derogatory, insulting and unnecessary.

Declaring that someone must be ''some lunatic'' because she has a mental health diagnosis is NOT okay.

If you want to discuss the problems that a mental illness can possibly cause, then do so, but do it without throwing insults around.

I really hope that the Time To Change campaign that is going on makes significant difference.

QuintessentialShallots · 04/04/2013 09:52

SirBoob - can you let that one flippant remark pass, take the moral high ground, or something, to allow the topic of this particular thread continue so OP can get help and perspective?

SirBoobAlot · 04/04/2013 10:03

No, because it wasn't just one flippant remark on the thread, and it's not just one flippant remark when I encounter mental health stigma on a daily basis.

waltermittymissus · 04/04/2013 10:35

What is your problem all of you.

Do you think, perhaps, village that if everyone else has the problem, maybe it's you with the problem?

Anyway, you've derailed quite enough.

Have you thought about what you will do OP?

Original poster
chickensaladagain · 04/04/2013 10:48

He's emailed me this morning saying he is going to see his counsellor so hopefully the seed of doubt is already there

He is going to come and see the dcs this evening so I may find out more then

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 04/04/2013 10:54

That's good chicken. I'm sure his counsellor will talk him through the downsides re: the children.

When you seem him tonight tell him your concerns, calmly. Don't be brow bested though.

In your situation, I would honestly tell him I wasn't comfortable and the reasons why. If he's not willing to have a proper talk about everything then I would reconsider the access arrangement.

Good luck!

seriouscakeeater · 04/04/2013 11:51

I too have a mum with bi polar plus some others for good measure and I had to spend a lot of time with my Nan. It wasn't great living in the house at the time. She once painted her face like one of those Chinese masks we used to have on the living room wall, spent days in bed , tried to hang herself three times that I know of, still gets sectioned about every eighteen months when she feels she dosnt need her meds any more.
My brother, how ever wasn't related to my Nan so had to stay in house with my step dad when mum was climbing the walls or even holding a visiting doctor up with a pellet gun . He dosnt speak to my mum any more because of the hell he has been through even though it wasn't really her fault.
I could list hundreds of incidents of things that she did, some extremly funny when we were young to down right frightening.
Seeing my mum with two fractured ankles because she tried to hang her self from the top of the stairs and the wire snapped is beyond words!
I would have never on this green earth let my dd stay over with mum when she was growing up which did cause a lot of upset..I'm sorry but YANBU from a child's point its not nice at all and can be very damaging to children .

babyfirefly1980 · 04/04/2013 12:00

YANBU....I think you have a right to voice and discuss any concerns. She hasn't got custody of her DD so obviously there are issues.
All very nice that he wants to look after her but it seems a little to soon for moving in and involving the DC

waltermittymissus · 05/04/2013 11:29

How did it go, chickens?

Original poster
chickensaladagain · 05/04/2013 14:21

He didn't show up -got a phone call from her and went to see her

He's supposed to be having the dcs tomorrow so will see how that pans out

OP posts:
FairyJen · 05/04/2013 14:35

chicken I think without it bein too regimented write downs all the questions and concerns you have such as

Why her dc doesn't live with her
Does he want a more flexIble arrangement re your dc based on her health

Etc etc that way you won't forget anything etc. it may be that re his gf's child he will want her permission because discussing her private circ iyswim.

I understand your concerns tho and I'm sure your ex will providing you don't channel village when you speak to him

waltermittymissus · 05/04/2013 20:03

Let's hope that's not the start of a pattern of letting them down.

SirBoobAlot · 05/04/2013 20:34

I hope you manage to have a discussion with him soon, Chickens.

babyfirefly1980 · 05/04/2013 21:10

Wannabestepfordwife made a good point upthread, ask him how he would view the situation if it was you doing it...bet he could not honestly say he would be fine with it.

niceguy2 · 05/04/2013 21:18

The bottom line is this.

If you trust your ex to have your kids alternate weekends then you by extension trust your ex to keep your kids safe full stop.

You can't attach conditions to that trust such as his living situation. You either do fully trust him....or you do not.

If the situation has changed now such that you don't think you can trust him then fair enough, do something about it. Talk to him first and take it from there.

maddening · 05/04/2013 22:16

it depends whether her child was removed from her care or not imo - if the child was legally removed as she was deemed unfit then I would be concerned.

Original poster
chickensaladagain · 05/04/2013 22:58

niceguy

when he is well I trust him to have the dcs

he doesn't necessarily do everything the way I would but his house, his rules and I don't question him feeding them take aways anymore than he questions me sending them to bed half an hour later than he does

the worry I have is he is very good at hiding his illness, he was admitted to hospital when dd1 was 5 months old and his work didn't have a clue prior to his admission

when I lived with him I could spot the patterns, I knew if he was heading into a high or a low

I don't see him enough now to pick up on any patterns -sometimes if he is feeling low he will send me antagonistic text messages but not always

the fact that he cancelled his visit yesterday and is reluctant to speak to me now is concerning

it's usually open house here and he will call round once or twice during the week depending on his shifts to see the dc -it's been 3 weeks since he came round now

OP posts:
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