AIBU to not want my ex to move his girlfriend into his house

[chickensaladagain]

ok ok, I know technically it's nothing to do with me but....

ExP has been with his girlfriend for 6 months, 3 months of which she has been in hospital being treated for bi-polar

her dd doesn't live with her, she lives with her grandparents and I'm not sure what sort of access she has

ExP wants to move her in to his house so he can look after her and help her

he has been treated for bi-polar in the past but has been stable and off meds for the last 5 years

he has our dcs every other weekend

this set up makes me very very nervous

YANBU to be concerned when you don't know why her dd doesn't live with her. It could be safety reasons so could your dc be at risk? Its natural to worry.

Chickensalad: Hmm, that's tricky. What has he said so far about having the DC when she moves in? Perhaps if you express it as concern for her - 'Will [GF] be able to cope with the DC this weekend? If it's too much for her at the moment, we can reschedule...' it might go down better. And DC are by the sound of it old enough to understand that GF is 'not very well' sometimes and that's why they can't go round there.

No two people with a mental health condition will necessarily act in the same way, therefore other people's experiences are just that: their experiences.

Why not ask your ex if you can meet his girlfriend? He wanted you to meet his previous girlfriend, so there is a precedent here. Approach her as a person, see her as a person, not just a condition.

Some of the language used on this thread 'lunatic', 'mentalist' has been distressing.

but are they old enough to understand that he wouldn't rather be with his girlfriend than with them, because if they don't go, surely that's the impression they will be left with?

I think meeting her is the way forward but if she's not up for that, I think your ex should at least have the decency to tell you a bit more about her.

And I'd say the same even if she didn't have bipolar.

Yanbu

he has known her for 6 months for 3 months she has been in hospital she is seriously ill and he wants to look after her

if a friend was telling me this I would be concerned you have your ex to worry about and most importantly your children

I am not sure the best way around it I think you need to be sure they are both coping once she has left hospital then go from there

poppy, apparently she doesn't want to meet me

he has asked her as she apparently has some jealousy issues despite the fact that we only ever text to arrange things for the dcs and rarely see each other as handovers are generally done by school drop off/pick up

Hi Chicken. FWIW I think YANBU to be concerned about this change in your ex's home situation. I get the feel from your posts that apart from her health situation, you actually know very little about his new partner. Have you even met her?

I think it is a must that the children can contact you at anytime while at their dad's. But I do think you will have to go along with the situation.

Well then I don't think there is much you can do, other than as Worra says getting your ex to tell you more about her.

YANBU I think that if there is enough concern around her MH to remove her own child from her, then you are absolutely right to be concerned about her living with your kids.

SirBoob - just because someone has concerns and questions doesn't mean that they are 'mental health-bashing'.

Oops x posted re the meeting with the new girlfriend.

I don't know that her child was removed, I just know that she doesn't live with her

Alibaba - the word 'lunatic' was used within twenty posts.

Of course you can do something

One why is your ex letting her jealousy issues stand in the way of what should be a straight forward meeting. Is his need to look after and protecting her getting in the way of what is right and wrong is he worried about her state of mind trying to keep everything calm for her. If so your children should not be staying there at the moment as when they are there they have to come first

Could you sit down and discuss your concerns, and suggest that if there is ever a time that he is having to focus on her or his needs,

That they can communicate with you, and hold off having the children for that weekend, until they are back on even keel,

If you reassure him that you would not hold that against him, he may be more inclined to take that option, when a situation arises.

it sounds as if he is doing well if he has managed for so long without meds, it's natural to worry that he might find additional strain triggers his own roller coaster.

Have you asked him how he would like to be supported.

One of my best friends has bp and her children live with their father. She found it very hard to cope when she was younger, but now she is older she knows and understands her mental health very well. She would love to turn back time and be able to have cared for her children when she was younger. Not possible though as she needed to time to understand and deal with her bp. I would and do trust her implicitly to look after my children by herself. If she knew she was going down she would do her best to hang on, keep them safe and summon help. Maybe your ex's girlfriend isn't at this stage, or maybe she thinks you are judging her. Which is likely and a good reason why she might not feel like meeting you.

Everyone meeting a new partner of their ex who will be looking after their children will be judging them on some level to get an idea of what this new person spending time with their children is like. Even if you meet them and decide they are lovely you've still judged them. That's not a good reason to avoid meeting the mother of your partners children really.

Yes, because you happen to know someone with a mental illness, that OBVIOUSLY makes it completely acceptable to insult a proportion of the population.

I hope you stay the hell away from your cousin's son because the last thing people with mental illnesses need is the pretend understanding of idiots like you.

And yes, it is completely ignorant. Completely, utterly, atrociously ignorant. Do you use the R word as well? Because that's 'how most people see it'?

Most people don't say it because they have at least one ounce of self respect, and a bit of common decency.

There's being un-PC, and then there's just being a completely insensitive, uneducated excuse for a human being.

Omg village

Did you seriously just post that?

You cannot use words like that, it's not about being pc, it's about having an ounce of humanity!

Yanbu. Of course you want assurances that your DC will be safe what in the care of ex and or his girlf .

Village and SirBoob you both need to calm down.