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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To be cross, or are our neighbours right to complain?

241 replies

MummytoMog · 30/03/2013 11:38

Genuinely not sure. Our DCs sleep miraculously well and. Consider ourselves very lucky. But DD gets up before we do and plays in her room, so has quite a few toys in there, including a bounce and spin zebra. Our neighbours started renovating their front bedroom about two months ago (I have no idea what's taking them so long) and so moved into the back bedroom, the other side of the wall from DD (who is three). In that time, DD has had a couple of bad nights, one where she woke up at six and was playing very loudly (i woke up and put her back to bed). Neighbours came round to complain at eight, waking everyone up (weekend) and asked if I could take the rocking horse out. So I took out the bounce and spin zebra that DD loves more than her own brother. All good.

Last night DD wakes up at three with an ear infection, much screaming and wailing. I bring her into our room for a couple of hours but she doesn't settle, so I put her in her room with her music box on. She still doesn't settle, and about five she gets up and plays loudly in her room. I go in and put her back to bed, she cries some more. DH spends two hours in bed with her in her room as she cries, bangs her head against the wall and is generally quite obviously unwell. Our neighbours ring the doorbell at eight, waking DD who has finally drifted off, me and DH and DS. I sent DH down to talk to them, and basically they want us to take out every single thing in her room she could possibly make noise with. So that would leave her with a mattress on the floor then? They even said that thy were moving back into the front room soon, so it seems to me they know they're being a bit unreasonable, but I am sleep deprived and possibly being completely unreasonable.

I don't want to be a shitty neighbour, but a couple of noisy nights, when we have a two year old and three year old who slept through straight away, doesn't seem excessive. Should I push back? Should I apologise some more? Should I wait until they have a child and hope they're a screamer then go round and offer 'helpful' advice?

OP posts:
Popsie3 · 30/03/2013 19:48

Psychotic zebra Grin

AmIthatWintry · 30/03/2013 19:49

I was a bit on the fence, despite the "self-righteous" comments

However, the phrase that jumped out at me was "..a bit spectrummy"

WTAF does this mean

And I live in a semi, and wouldn't allow either of my children to disturb the neighbours.

StuntGirl · 30/03/2013 19:50

Well after being up since 5am 8am is positively midday Grin

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2013 19:52

my kids sleep like teeny tiny cute little miracles

Um . . whatever. If your DC are waking up at 5 and creating loads of noise how about you put them to bed later? So that they sleep later? As your house seems to keep later hours than most peoples. You said your DH works nights and you work late hence you get up late.

I should think if you're both working such late hours by the time your DC are up and banging on toys you're probably alot more deeply asleep than most people would be and may not hear them when they get up.

EnlightenedOwl · 30/03/2013 19:54

I hear you about the bare floorboards etc but I would really re-consider - carpets absorb so much noise. Plus they make a room warmer.
I've got one bedroom laminate and one carpet and the laminate (which I inherited from last owners) is coming up pdq as the noise in that bedroom is amplified - even with just normal footfall.
The toy in question - cannot believe the noise it makes and that on bare floor its no wonder you had a complaint.

MummytoMog · 30/03/2013 19:59

For the last time, I moved the bleeding zebra the minute they asked me to, entirely previous to this entire debacle. It has not subsequently trit trotted down the stairs from the loft and ensconced itself in DD's room, on her rug all by itself. It is gone. The zebra is gone. Has been for weeks. How is this not clear? There are no other noisy toys, unless you count her mobile, which is to my mind quite quiet. She does not, a matter of course, get up at 5am. That would clearly be unreasonable. She gets up at 8am, 95% of the time. School is frankly miraculous. I am going now, as it's bath time, then bed for 8.30, which is quite late enough for toddlers I think.

OP posts:
Rainbowinthesky · 30/03/2013 20:03

What was the purpose of this thread? You asked if you were unreasonable and then argued the shit with anyone who said yes.

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2013 20:11

MummytoMog I'm sorry that your neighbours are distressing you but you really need to open your eyes (and ears!) and realise that you're probably creating alot more noise than you think you are.

You sound defensive but I think this is understandable when people are questioning how your household is run but it doesn't detract from the fact that your family is disturbing people at very unsociable hours.

As I previously said I've had the neighbours with noisy children (2 and 4 yr olds) My house at the time was in a v quiet area, think birds singing, trees rustling etc) the house was in a city but a quiet area, I so loved going home and opening my back door smelling the flowers, listening to the birds etc. It was a haven.

Then the neighbours moved in. I can't tell you how many times I was in tears. From a previously serene neighbourhood to screaming, walls being banged on, v loud tv ( I never want to hear Barbie dvd or whatever again, I would seriously throw something), screaming, doors slamming at all hours, v noisy toys right outside my garden wall right by my living room and don't get me started on playdates!

The thing is the mother (she was a single parent) was absolutely lovely. Really friendly and asked if her children were noisy. We (the teneants association, 10 flat building she had one of the garden flats, I had the other) said we're happy to have you living here but you are creating alot of disturbance). She said she would sort it but nothing ever changed. The tenants 4 floors above her couldn't sleep sometines, she's let her DC out in the garden at 6am with toys. It was truely aweful.

The point I'm making is that your household is more than likely giving out alot more noise than you think it is. You really need to think about this, You may be able to 'tune out' your DC noise but no-one esle has and why shoud they? They're not their DC, they're yours.

StuntGirl · 30/03/2013 20:15

"You may be able to 'tune out' your DC noise"

This is probably a lot to do with it to, it's not noise when it's your own comings and goings is it? I don't think we're particularly noisy but perhaps our neighbours feel differently about our video games and music and instrument playing.

FakeHotCrossLobsters · 30/03/2013 20:22

She did once play on the zebra at 6am though, and they came around at 8am to complain about the noise. And those things do make a noise (we had one briefly and thank god it's gone now).

And she wasn't ill on that particular occasion, just awake very early and playing loudly. Fair enough, you moved the toy after that, but by then it had disturbed them early in the morning.

This may be the first time she had disturbed the neighbours or it might not. If she normally wakes at eight but you stay in bed while nine thirty, perhaps that hour and a half of her playing is a lot louder for them than for you.

Perhaps they put up with it even though they like to sleep in at the weekend, because it normally starts at eight, but felt pushed too far by it happening at six.

You yourself were annoyed that they knocked at eight, so perhaps you can see their point if her playing in her room wakes them at six or eight each weekend.

This second time is a little different. She woke up at three, crying in pain and you took her to your room, where for two hours she continued to cry and wouldn't settle.

So at five (as you said a couple of hours later) you put her back in her own room. DS prefers to settle himself and sleep alone too, so I can see where you are coming from in doing that even when she was ill. You know your child and you try what works for that child.

But instead of settling herself, you say she got up and played loudly again, at five am, which obviously the neighbours heard. It wouldn't automatically occur to them that a child playing loudly in the early hours and for the second time was a sick child.

Your DH then went into her room to try and sleep with her and settle her but she was screaming and crying and banging her head on the wall for another two hours.

The neighbours again came to complain at eight am, and again you are annoyed because they woke you.

Now if they were complaining about her crying, that would be unreasonable because young children in pain do cry. All you can do is apologise, explain, and bear in mind that taking her downstairs might be a solution in the future. Maybe cuddles on the sofa with the TV on quietly or something.

But if they were complaining about the noisy play you said she doing at five am then that's not unreasonable. They can hear her but can't see her. It would not have sounded to them like she was ill. It would have sounded like she woke up to play at five in the morning and then had a two hour tantrum because she was stopped.

I really do sympathise because I have a lot of trouble with my ears and it's bloody painful. And I hope she's better soon.

But there is a big difference between the neighbours complaining because she was ill and crying and the neighbours complaining because she was playing loudly with noisy toys at five or six am.

Maybe a warm hot water bottle or one of those microwave heatable bags against her ear will help soothe the pain in future, it sometimes works for me.

SneakyNinja · 30/03/2013 20:23

I for one just LOVE nothing more than trotting round to my neighbours house at 8am to complain for no reason Hmm

EmmelineGoulden · 30/03/2013 20:24

But the OP isn't screening it out, she doesn't let her DC play noisily at 6 am. The OP has already said, if DC is up early and playing noisily she gets up and stops her. The crying is unfortunate for everyone involved, but if anyone has an ethical way of stopping a toddler crying please market the solution immediately - pretty much every parent will be buying.

The two occasions the neighbours have been round to complain are nights when the OP has heard the disturbance and got up to deal with it. There is nothing at all in the OP's posts to suggest she's ignoring a noisy child.

FakeHotCrossLobsters · 30/03/2013 20:37

But does she screen it out at 8am? Perhaps there had been weeks of 8am zebra pogo-ing that the neighbours were listening to before the 6am complaint.

She's said they are childless, perhaps they like to sleep late at the weekends as well.

She's upset because her and her DH like to stay in bed while 9:30am at the weekends, but the neighbours have complained at 8am.

Perhaps the neighbours feel the same, and the noise the OP finds acceptable at 8am but not at 6am could still be bothering them at the later time. But they haven't complained before because 8am is a reasonable time for a child to be awake. And the OP was tuning it out for the same reason, she's still getting her lay in and 8am is not so early that the neighbours will complain so she doesn't have to do anything about the noise then.

Tolly81 · 30/03/2013 20:46

Pinkyredrose - if you put young children to bed later they do not get up later! I wish it were that simple then I wouldn't be up at 5:30am every day with my 10 month old! I'm with the OP on this one. If you want to live somewhere with no noise, move to the country. It sounds like when you realised she was making noise you prevented it happening again. Can't do anything about a child being poorly. When/if they have kids they will understand, and they could just move back to the other room if it's bothering them that much. It can't be that loud as they can only hear it now they're in the adjoining bedroom. Some folks are just intolerant. When we lived in a flat (pre-DCs) out downstairs neighbor complained that we were walking around too loudly. I wouldn't retaliate but as someone else suggested I would ask them not to knock on before a certain time.

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/03/2013 20:49

OP

I have had my run of noisy nieghbours
The deaf bloke who took his hearing aids out at night, turned his tv up all the way and fell asleep in front of it.
The family who would come in at all hours and have loud music on at any time of the day or night.
My all time favourite is the buddhist that could go on for hours.

So slamming doors, and loud play are not so much of an issue.
But like you I want an uninterrupted nights sleep and by from your posts so do your neighbours.

GrendelsMum · 30/03/2013 20:51

If I ever want to make a parent's life a misery, I think I shall buy their child that bounce and spin zebra: "Fun sounds, delightful songs and dancing lights reward movement"

MummytoMog · 30/03/2013 21:00

The purpose of this thread was to find out if I was being unreasonable to be cross that they complained - general consensus is yes. Also general consensus is that sick, noisy children should be taken downstairs in case they're disturbing the neighbours, which I have also taken on board.

What I do think is unreasonable is all the people who have misread my posts and assume that I'm letting the kids raise havoc at 5am every morning, or just decided that I'm lying about what time my DCs wake up. If they had asked us to move the zebra before, we would have done so, we certainly couldn't sleep through the fucker but had assumed that they couldn't hear it. We don't let her play noisily in her room before 8am, and in fact she often sleeps later at the weekend anyway, which we are perfectly well aware of as DS always wakes at 8am and we bring him into bed with us (because he's a cuddly boy).

So I doubt we've been waking them in the morning, and if we had, they should have let us know and DH and I would come to some sort of early morning exchange between us. The time to do this would probably not have been early (for the weekend to my mind) after a night which was clearly disturbed for everyone. I didn't speak to her, because I couldn't trust myself, but I doubt she was in the happiest frame of mind either if she was up even half as much as we were. Leaving it until lunchtime would have worked better, as by then I probably would have been awake enough to be embarrassed about all the noise, and properly apologetic. Unlike DH who I am sure was just half asleep at that time.

Anyway. If anyone wants the zebra, it's looking very forlorn in the attic. I was going to give it to my sister in law for being obnoxiously attractive, kind and successful, but I could be persuaded to give it to a needy MNetter.

OP posts:
GrendelsMum · 30/03/2013 21:03

[bugrin] I love the idea of the curse of the dreadful zebra being visited on your sister-in-law.

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2013 21:04

Tolly81 If you want to live somewhere with no noise, move to the country

OK Tolly I take it that you're also the parent of young DC that disturb other people and that you think it's acceptable that they should be disturbed? Move to the country? Seriously? You think that people should move away from you so as not to be disturbed by your DC wailing?

Maybe you should move next to the OP I'm sure you'd get on well.

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2013 21:07

So I doubt we've been waking them in the morning, and if we had, they should have let us know and DH and I would come to some sort of early morning exchange between us. The time to do this would probably not have been early (for the weekend to my mind) after a night which was clearly disturbed for everyone.

Was trying to sympathise with you OP but have just lost respect.

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/03/2013 21:08

OP

there is never a good time to complain about noise.

SoupDreggon · 30/03/2013 21:11

So I doubt we've been waking them in the morning, and if we had, they should have let us know

They did let you know.

Isn't that the whole point of this thread?

HumphreyCobbler · 30/03/2013 21:17

this thread is unbelievable.

Just hide it OP. These people are determined to read stuff into your posts that are not there. I think it is out of order to accuse you of lying, or of saying that your neighbours are more disturbed than you say they are being, seeing as none of us are your neighbour Hmm

HumphreyCobbler · 30/03/2013 21:18

They let her know on the two occasions that the OP herself knew about, having been up with her child. Just like the rest of us are in the night with wakeful children.

RightsaidFreud · 30/03/2013 21:18

I agree with the people on here saying YABU and probably don't know how much noise you are actually making. Everyone knows kids cry and stuff when they are ill, but it doesn't make it any less annoying for your neighbours, let alone noise made from your kid playing at silly o'clock in the morning.

And quite frankly, with regards the neighbours renovation of their room, I think your being down right smug and rude saying 'i don't know what taking them so long blah blah'. We're currently having things done around the house and we are having to do them ourselves, when we have the money and can fit it in as we both work full time. So get off your high horse.