to want to hang out with my ex? or is his new girlfriend the unreasonable one?

[HidingNemo]

Me and my ex broke up when our daughter was 6months, so around 4 years ago now.

It was a very mutual decision and we even stayed living together until she was 1. We do quite a few things as a family, such as he comes over for dinner or we go out or we go to the cinema etc.

I really enjoy his company and he really is one of my best friends. But we don't work as a couple and would never consider getting back together.

He has now been seeing someone for a year and she had just moved in, and is pregnant with his child - I'm really happy for him and DD seems to like her and is excited about a new brother.

However the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

When I first found out they were serious I offered for her to be a part of these activities but she declined saying it would be weird.

I just feel so sad, I feel like I've lost a really good friend and that DD has lost out too.

Aibu?

I know that some posters are saying that everything should stay the same and that the new partner should either accept it or leave but it really isn't that simple and things are changing in any case with the birth of another child (a sibling for your dd) and so I do think that some flexibility is going to be needed from both sides.

I don't think you're selfish, OP. I think though that you might have to modify what you're doing and the involvement your ex has with you (not his daughter).

I think that coffees at your house when picking DD up/dropping her off are fine, ditto one dinner every three weeks. All of this is fine.

What's probably causing friction is the day trips, cinema and so on. You don't need to go on those and, if you have sensibilities yourself (and it seems that you do), you'll understand that there's a line and these activities cross or blur it. I wouldn't do them.

Who knows, when the baby is born, the fact that you've stopped these activities and shown empathy with the girlfiend might be all she needs to see that your good relationship with the ex is a marvellous thing - it is.

Tread softly... you're not wrong but diplomacy is everything here and ultimately, anything that makes life run smoother is so worth it.

saying that everything should stay the same and that the new partner should either accept it or leave but it really isn't that simple

Really? Those replies are in the minority by far.

Most people have made me out to be a deranged monster, desperate to try and get her ex back, refusing to let him spend time with his daughter and trying to break up a new family.

I'm in a similarish situation to the GF's position.

DP has a DD with his ex. Although he and the ex aren't close at all, DP is still very friendly with his ex's father. They socialise together quite a lot.

DP's told me that his ex's parents are really keen to meet me and want to invite me along to family events, etc.

While this is all very nice, I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea (as is DP to be fair) and I feel it over steps the new boundaries that our relationship has drawn up.

I can completely see the GF's point of view. She's trying to establish her own family unit with her DP, OP's DD and their new baby. Having him buggering off to his 'other family' for dinner every other week just isn't on as far as I'm concerned.

This new baby means that whatever cosy set up you've enjoyed before needs to change. She is your ex's long term partner and soon to be mother of your DD's sibling. She deserves to have a say in creating a situation that she's comfortable with too. And that might mean no more cosy family stuff for you and the ex. Sorry.

So what do you think you're going to do, op?

I think, mostly that it's the new girlfriend being unreasonable.

I don't think there should be any problem with you and the ex remaining friends, and doing things together sometimes with your DC. If she is seriously saying this can never happen because of the new child your ex is about to have, I think she is being very unreasonable.

However, the frequency and amount of contact you describe could be an issue.

DP stayed friends with his ex, they split up when their DS was 1. I came on the scene three years later, and was made to feel very welcome by DP's ex. We all get together (DP, me, DSS, ex, her partner, their child together, ex's stepchild from her DP, ex's mother, ex's stepfather - it's very 'blended'!) about once every couple of months for a BBQ, a dinner, a trip somewhere etc. We always have a little Christmas party together, though our actual Christmases are separate, and we always have a big birthday party altogether for DSS.

I actually have a great relationship with the ex, I really love her and her DP's daughter, and weirdly I have developed what is to me quite a special and important relationship with ex's mother. I love being part of a big blended family like this - for my own sake, as well as DSS's!

However. All that said, we get together about once every couple of months. Obviously DP sees them more frequently than that because he always does pick-ups. He might stay for a quick drink, but not more than 30m. What you seem to be describing (if I have understood) is that about 3 times a week your ex is spending a significant chunk of his evening with you and your child, either with coffee and chatting or dinner.

As happy as I am that DP is friends with his ex, and am completely non-threatened by their friendship, I would not be happy if he started spending time with her three evenings a week. It would just be too much for me. Partly because his working hours mean that quality time for us to be together during the week is precious, but partly just because...just because. I guess I would feel rejected and somehow isolated.

So I wonder if your ex's girlfriend has made this massive ultimatum because she was pushed a bit too far by the amount and regularity of contact still between you? On the other hand, it seems she's never wanted to get involved with any of it at all, and it's the mere fact of ANY contact rather than the amount that could be the problem. In which case...I think she is being very unreasonable. Maybe you and ex could agree to stop seeing so much of each other during the week, but get her to agree to do one joint trip/dinner or something all together just to test the waters and see how it goes?

Are you still single, by the way? Shouldn't really make a difference, but it probably does to her.

It's not your responsibility to sort this out. It's all down to your ex. I can see why you feel down but he needs to either concede to his new partner and take on a more traditional ex role or stand up to her and make her fit in with your friendship.

Rightly or wrongly, I think he should go with the wishes of his current partner.

I have to say that I'm kinda wondering if you're on such good terms you couldn't stay together in the first place. Then there wouldn't be a new gf or a new family to discuss.

It's so much better for kids to be brought up by both parents living together - if the adults can be civilised - that I can't help wondering why you abandoned the idea? The more that's known about family breakdown the more it's clear how damaging to children it is. Seems they're better off with an intact family even if their parents' relationship is far from ideal. If there's DV or other misery, fair enough, but given the relationship you have now I'm not clear why you split up at all.

I disagree that he should concede with regard to how much he sees his dd. It should be something that they agree together.

I haven't read the whole thing but I just wanted to chip in to say that I am very good friends with my long-term ex. I spent a decade of my life with the man and he's lovely - he hasn't stopped being a top bloke just because we don't love each other. My DP (with whom I have two DDs and who I am marrying in a few months) has no issues with XP coming round for tea etc; they have even been known to go mountain biking together. We also had a business and a house in common for a few years after we split, and I do see him less often now these have gone - but that's a lot less important than having a child together who will always appreciate your being close.

OP I think you're being entirely reasonable, and you're making the effort to see things from her PoV which is spot on.

I have to say that I think DisorganisednotDysfunctional is talking bollocks.

now she is pg she believes that trumps the current set-up. And maybe it does. But that's not what dd is used to. Unless it is handled sensitively then it could affect how dd feels about the gf and the new baby

Schmalzting Matilda, this is a very good point. All three adults are going to have to work together in various combinations to manage any changes carefully, for the sake of DD's future relationship with her new sibling if nothing else.

Op don't worry. It is inevitable that on MN as the 'Ex' and mother of his first child, you are expected to put your childs needs way below those of the 'new family' and your feelings are irrelevant. You are a psycho Ex and should know your place woman

It's an attitude which I've only seen on MN - in the 'real' world, reasonable and normal attitudes would suggest that your daughters stability and continuity would be particularly important in view of the impending arrival. The new girlfriend has been in her life for less than a year - she's possibly feeling a little bit vulnerable already so way to go to the paranoid one if she wants to damage her relationship with the little girl by refusing to allow things to continue as they are in her life.

And for all the bollocks about you and your Ex not being a family - of course you are a family - you are your DDs family. I can't stand the bloody sight of my ex but the kids still draw pictures of their family as being mummy, daddy, x, y and z. and I still stick them on the fridge. OW and her kid don't even figure

Little Miss Paranoid needs to accept the status quo, and hopefully your Ex will step up and tell her that.

Little Miss Paranoid needs to accept the status quo, and hopefully your Ex will step up and tell her that.

I think that disregarding the GF's feelings will not help the ex's relationship with her. Rightly or wrongly, it might turn out to be a deal-breaker for her. Would the ex be prepared to lose his current relationship over this?

Op don't worry. It is inevitable that on MN as the 'Ex' and mother of his first child, you are expected to put your childs needs way below those of the 'new family' hmm and your feelings are irrelevant. You are a psycho Ex and should know your place woman grin

I don't think this is helpful. There is a lot of anti-stepmother stuff on MN, as much as there is stereotyping of the 'psycho ex'.

I think it's more likely that there are some women, nay people, who are more selfish and badly behaved than others. Some of them are stepmothers, some of them are 'exes', some of them are both, some of them are neither.

All that pitting 'new woman/stepmum' and 'ex/'bio-mum*' against each other as separate camps does is entrench each group further, IMO, and make certain people feel even more justified in their behaviour, seeing any criticism as persecution even when it isn't.

• I'm aware that biomum is a problematic term for some, but am just using it for the sake of clarity

I love the bitter attitude towards "new families" on MN.

I don't see what the problem is. I don't see how any of it is inappropriate.

At the end of the day, the op and ex household are all a big family. Just not in the conventional sense. As a family, why is it wrong to not spend together. Isn't this what families do?

It's nice the girl sometimes gets to eat with daddy at her house. Why should this stop?

I don't see either how it will be unfair on the newborn. He will get to spend time with his dad as well. A lot more than the dd still. He will get time to spend with his parents together and his sister. If the meals and other things stop then she will loose out.. How exactly is that fair?

And that might mean no more cosy family stuff for you and the ex. Sorry.

Wow said with such venom.

I love the bitter attitude towards "new families" on MN

I don't have a bitter attitude towards them at all. I am happy for them both and it's nice to see DD excited about a new baby.

As long as my DD is happy in her other family then I do not hold any bad feelings towards them.

And I 'don't' love the complete contempt and disregard for the children of a previous relationship on MN. As evidenced by the use of the term 'bio mum' - which is beyond contempt.

Op - all you can do is hope your Ex will not be dictated to about how he manages his relationship with you and your DD and if he does mess up, then you'll always be the stable rock for your little girl if it causes her any distress or upset. All the best

You are a psycho Ex and should know your place woman

Just because I look at their facebook's for hours each day and make phone calls to them and then hang up on a withheld number, and sometimes just happen to be in the same place they are - that doesn't make me a psycho ex thank you very much.

Op you have done NOTHING wrong so please don't let the negative comments get to you.
Was ex and new gf's baby planned? Because it really sounds like she wasn't happy from day one and wanted to be able to have a say I'm things.
What has your ex said about all this?
I think it's really sad things may have to change for you dd and sad that anything different is gasped at.

Thanks Fleecy that really did a smile to my face for the first time today x

OP it was more aimed at fleecyslippers to be honest.

::headdesk::