to want to hang out with my ex? or is his new girlfriend the unreasonable one?

[HidingNemo]

Me and my ex broke up when our daughter was 6months, so around 4 years ago now.

It was a very mutual decision and we even stayed living together until she was 1. We do quite a few things as a family, such as he comes over for dinner or we go out or we go to the cinema etc.

I really enjoy his company and he really is one of my best friends. But we don't work as a couple and would never consider getting back together.

He has now been seeing someone for a year and she had just moved in, and is pregnant with his child - I'm really happy for him and DD seems to like her and is excited about a new brother.

However the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

When I first found out they were serious I offered for her to be a part of these activities but she declined saying it would be weird.

I just feel so sad, I feel like I've lost a really good friend and that DD has lost out too.

Aibu?

[HidingNemo]

And thank you YesIam too.

I don't think the baby was planned ... but I'm not sure.

I was talking to my ex and said would you like a lift to the end of school Easter concert. He looked slightly embarrassed and said he was going with gf and she wouldn't be comfortable all three of us going together.

She wants to go just the two of them to get a feel for the school as they might send them DS to that school. And then he said actually she's always felt uncomfortable about our relationship and us both spending time with DD and then said the reason above.

I didn't really say much back to that, just something like fair enough.

It hasn't been mentioned again.

[HidingNemo]

Is that aimed at me Riverboat?

[eslteacher]

HidingNemo - have you ever actually met the new partner, face to face? Or is she not up for even being introduced?

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

I think it was aimed at me.
Riverboat I agree with you, I just going off what I'm reading where op has extended an olive branch several times while new gf hides from her and had made her discomfort obvious.
Now she's pregnant and already making demands, it seems like she has always wanted to make but didn't feel she could before

[eslteacher]

No, HN, it was the 'beneath contempt' comment re: me having used 'biomum' even with asterisks and inverted commas.

[fishandlilacs]

My Dh's family was like this, It can be done. DH has 2 older half brothers from his Dads first marriage, lets call her A, they were together 12 years had 2 boys. Dh's dad then went on to meet my MIL and have my DH together. My MIL and A became good friends and remained friends for many years, my DH's half brothers even came to live with them when they were teens. MIL and DH's dad are still together 42 years later sadly A died a few years back, we went to her funeral and my dh was a pall bearer. His half brothers are very close to my MIL. It's all very civilised and no one has ever thought anything of it.

At the moment she is pregnant, i'm assuming it's her first child, she will be feeling insecure and vulnerable, right now you cant make any decisions, but maybe try and get your ex to compromise with her the amount of contact shed be happy with for now and review it as time goes by.

Good luck OP xx

[Fleecyslippers]

Least you won't be in the same place as them any more if she gets her own way You'll have to think of another way to be a psycho Ex. Maybe demand that you see your DD on mothers day or sommat comletely unreasonable

[eslteacher]

I mean I couldn't have been clearer in my post about how much I like and respect my DP's ex/DSS's mum, whatever, but apparently my very use of the term in a one-off sentence shows I have nothing but contempt and disregard for my DSS and his mother!

It does just make me feel that some people just assign a whole load of negative qualities to someone as soon as they realise they are 'ex' or 'new woman' tbh, and ignore all the rest.

But maybe I am guilty of this myself, and am being too sensitive.

[Fleecyslippers]

The term 'bio mother' is deeply offensive. You knew it was offensive but you still chose to us it, trying to soften it's impact by using apostrophes etc.

It is a nasty term, designed to undermine and belittle the unique relationship that a mother has with her child. Absolutely uncalled for in ANY context.

[SoWhatIfImWorkingClass]

I don't think I have ever used the term bio-mum. In fact I have NEVER used it.

I don't even like the term step-mum to be honest.

The word "mum" is just that. Mum. No bio or step.

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

I think it's sad that 2 people who are actually on the same right side are now fighting it out.
Can I ask why is bio mother offensive, I would genuinely like to know?

[eslteacher]

I don't know the history of the word, but to me it is used just when having online discussions and trying to be clear about someone's position in a complicated web of 'bio'parents (who may also be step parents to other children) step parents (who may also also be 'bio'parents), half siblings, full siblings, step siblings...

I don't think anyone uses it in real life or in any context when someone knows all the individual parties being talked about. Because it's not necessary It's just used for clarity when you're trying to talk about step/blended family dynamics and be clear who you are talking about when.

I don't think I've seen the word used in a belittling way thus far in my fairly limited experience, but I will be attentive in the future when I see the word used and consider your point of view.

[BenjaminButton172]

The girlfriend knew what the situation was like before she got pregnant. I presume no one was forcing her to stay in the relationship with your ex. If she didnt like it she didnt have to stay.

What does she have to be jealous about? Its not like you are hiding it, sneaking around and not including her. If she doesnt want to join in thats her own problem.

I think it is brilliant that you are able to do this with your dd and her dad. I think a lot of children could benefit from this.

I hope your DDs dad tells his girlfriend to get a grip.

[eslteacher]

Yeah, I actually don't want to fight because my whole point to begin with was about how it doesn't help anyone to do so!

So will try to take a step back.

[ChippingInIsEggceptional]

I think you sound lovely & I think the relationship you have with your ex is lovely too and to be a family together for DD is great. You've done well :)

I think the gf is hormonal & scared. I have some sympathy for her but she knew the situation when she started seeing him - it's a bit manipulative to tell him now she's not happy with it (when she's pregnant and it's harder for him to say 'well this is how it is - take it or leave it').

I think though, you are going to have to let him work it all out. Keep doing what you've always done and let him do what he needs to do - whatever that turns out to be.

I hope you don't lose the lovely relationship you have with him.

[CloudsAndTrees]

OP, do you think you will be able to sit together at this Easter concert? If it hasn't already happened that is.

My DH, ex and I go to many school things all together, although ex generally meets us there. I would have been very upset if, when the whole thing was in its early stages, if DH had said to me that I could no longer do these things with my dcs Dad. I love DH joining us, but there is no way I'd do those things without my ex. I share a child with him and that includes sharing our child's special occasions with him.

How do you think these things will pan out for you in the future? She might have a point about not wanting her BF to spend so much time at your house, but she really doesn't when it comes to things like school Easter concerts.

[eslteacher]

(...Before quickly saying that in French, the word for step mother is the same as the word for mother in law! Interesting/strange.)

(Also, again, I never refer to myself as DSS's stepmum in real life, nor does he refer to me as such, nor do I go round calling him my stepson. I only call myself a stepmum online to avoid typing out 'partner of my DP who has a son from a previous relationship' or 'my DP's son who is not actually my child but rather his ex''s every time I post)

[CloudsAndTrees]

The word "mum" is just that. Mum. No bio or step.

So how do you plan to make it easy for people reading your posts to understand who you are talking about then?

A Mum is a Mum, a stepmum is a stepmum. That's how it works.

[SolidGoldBrass]

The GF sounds like a whinyarse, and I imagine if she doesn't grow up and get a grip then the OP's co-parent will probably get sick of her and dump her. Which would serve her right.

I am in a slightly similar situation to you Nemo in that my DS' dad and I are co-parents and not partners; we have known each other for over 20 years (DS is 8) and I got PG when we got pissed at Xmas and fell into bed 'for old times' sake'. We have family days out; we are a family, just one without a couple-relationship as part of it. DS dad has dated a bit and has an on-off longtime girlfriend - but she's not an insecure clingy PITA. She's been round to my house a few times and she and I get on quite well.
Mercifully DS dad would not give a whiny attention-seeker of a woman five minutes of his time - he is married to his work and always will be.

I advise you to stay calm, make sure that DD sees plenty of her father, and give the GF the opportunity to either grow up or sod off, though it would be unfortunate for DD's half-sibling if the silly cow doesn't get a grip.

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

Riverboat I agree with your logic, I can't see why it's offensive which is why I asked.

[SoWhatIfImWorkingClass]

So how do you plan to make it easy for people reading your posts to understand who you are talking about then?

Well I never say bio mum for a start. I say mum. Then for stepmum I suppose I have used it to establish who I am talking about. But I never refer to myself as stepmum to my OH's daughter or anyone who I know.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Yanbu.

If I was the gf in this situation what would be going through my head would be "brilliant he's actively showing that he is holding up his responsibility towards his dd and his ex should our relationship go tits up I know we can make a go of being good parents having a united front and showing each other friendship and respect"

[StanleyLambchop]

The GF sounds like a whinyarse, and I imagine if she doesn't grow up and get a grip then the OP's co-parent will probably get sick of her and dump her. Which would serve her right.


give the GF the opportunity to either grow up or sod off, though it would be unfortunate for DD's half-sibling if the silly cow doesn't get a grip.

Good Grief. Totally uncalled for.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Not at all: this whining stupid woman is happy to cause distress to a child (OP's DD) by restricting her time with her father, on the grounds that She Is The New Partner and therefore more important. Which she isn't.

[StanleyLambchop]

But she is not restricting time with his DD. It is time with the OP that she objects to, and she is allowed to have that opinion without being insulted and vilified on an internat forum.