to want to hang out with my ex? or is his new girlfriend the unreasonable one?

[HidingNemo]

Me and my ex broke up when our daughter was 6months, so around 4 years ago now.

It was a very mutual decision and we even stayed living together until she was 1. We do quite a few things as a family, such as he comes over for dinner or we go out or we go to the cinema etc.

I really enjoy his company and he really is one of my best friends. But we don't work as a couple and would never consider getting back together.

He has now been seeing someone for a year and she had just moved in, and is pregnant with his child - I'm really happy for him and DD seems to like her and is excited about a new brother.

However the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

When I first found out they were serious I offered for her to be a part of these activities but she declined saying it would be weird.

I just feel so sad, I feel like I've lost a really good friend and that DD has lost out too.

Aibu?

Yabu because rather than posting about it online you should be sitting down with both of them to work out a sensible workable solution.

I think this thread raises some interesting questions about what is best for the child after their parents separate.

It seems obvious that it is a good thing for a child with separated parents that these parents generally get on well, re-inforce each other's relationship with the DC, co-operate re parenting decisions and rules, are able to work out contact issues fairly and with the child?s best interests at heart etc.

But beyond that, is it beneficial for the child to spend regular time with their parents both together? With or without stepparents and step/half siblings? If so, how much?

I don?t know what the answer to that question is, I?d be interested in any studies that have been done.

I wonder if a child spending regular 'family time' with it's separated parents might make it harder for that child to understand why his/her parents separated, or give them continuing hope that it's parents might get back together. Rather than enabling them to adapt to their parents living in separate homes, accept that they are separated, accept stepparents/stepsiblings etc.

Not sure, just wondering. DSS occasionally comes out with 'I wish you and mummy still lived together daddy' and sometimes I think it has a tendency to be said after, or sometimes during, one of the times when we have all been together (ie me and DP, ex and her DP, DSS and his step/half siblings) doing something. Not totally sure about this connection though - sometimes he barely seems aware that he has both parents together and is more interested in going off and playing with the other children. At other times he loves it and makes a big deal of having his mum and dad sat on either side of him at the table etc.

BTW, I think its perfectly natural that a child would fantasise about their separated parents getting back together. Just not a good thing for them to really keep hoping and believing it might happen.

Thank you Riverboat. You've expressed it much better than I could have but it was exactly what I meant about pretending things haven't changed and whether that's really the best way to approach it. For what it's worth, my own parents separated when I was 4. Even at that tender age, I could see it was for the best and I never felt like I was missing out on spending time with them together or fantasised about them getting back together.

Hiding Nemo

Some of these posts are unreal!!

I think your set up with your ex is wonderful.... and you sound willing to make this all work by absorbing the new elements to your family.

My DCs have different fathers (both relationships long)
They are still part of our family and I find it bizarre anyone would consider it otherwise.

One we very rarely see (his own choice) but it does not negate his connection to us, or ours to him itms??

If we all want to work with our DCs best interests at heart (we all say it, some of us are lying tbh) then family is any and every one related to our DC's.

I hope the new partner cops on.
The two children share a father.... so he has to share and divide his time/attention etc between then equally.

Most things are fairly simple, really.

Agree totally with Solid

It's whinging.... pure nonsense.... grow up and deal with it. FFS.

YANBU to feel saddened at the loss of time OP and your ExP must put DD still on equal priority as her-soon to be sibling but you may want to back off a bit in terms of seeing the ex so much with your daughter. Honestly your arrangement doesn't sound bad and i don't think you're one of these clingers on that wants their ex back (dad or mum) and uses the child to get at all, I don't think anything here has implied that, but I do think you have to remember that friends take a back seat slightly to any relatationship- not all the time, but it's the partner taking priority, especially when pregnant.

And you are friends now, and your DD can see her dad with you present a bit but it won't hurt to see less with you and more just together.

It's a shame it has to be this way but perhaps it's just a temp measure? It's up to you and your ex but personally for myself i'd back off a bit Just purely because you know how she feels, if the ex is telling you then isn't that his way of saying 'we need to back off a bit' even if he is adding an excuse to it and unfair as it may seem as long as it's still fair on your daughter that's the main thing.

The new DP may be being completely unreasonable, there may be things we don't know of not hearing her side or it may be pregnancy hormones but personally i'd back off a bit, insist on an equal level of time for DD and still some time as a unit-just not as much- because i would want to be seen to be trying to help them through this difficult period, rather then there being any way possible of anyone saying 'she was in the way'.

You need to speak to your ex though. IT is his choice and responsibility as to what happens here, not yours or the DP. Technically he calls the shots. You can back off a bit, so he doesn't have to make such a firm choice but ultimaely he should be making it. I just wonder if the way in which he told you wasn't his way of making it and satying he and DD need to spend more time with hi partner, without you.

Riverboat, you are right, it is interesting and it would be fascinating to see a study where the outcomes of various family set ups could be compared.

I don't think it will always occur to younger children that it would be nice for them if their parents were together. For many children whose parents separated when they were young, their reality is that parents don't live together. They don't know I any different. I think they can start to question why their parents don't live together when they start to realise that many families do have it's parents living together, but by that age you would hope that they feel secure enough in their own situation that its not actually going to upset them, and they are likely to have been introduced to all sorts of family set ups by that age anyway. There is no reason that they should feel different in this age where so many families are separated.

My parents separated when I was young, and I never thought about them being back together. It never occurred to me. I can remember once wishing that my Dad was there when my friend had both her mum and Dad there at a school thing and I only had my Mum, but separated parents often do those things together now anyway.

Cloud - my DSS was less than 1 when his parents split, so his 'normal' has always been them living apart. Apparently it wasn't until he started school that he started to make comments about wishing his mum and dad were together - so I think this was where he realised for the first time that his situation was not the norm.

Obviously I don't know for sure, but I don't think it plays on his mind about them getting back together. Its just the odd wistful comment very occasionally. Once after such a comment his dad said 'what about your stepsister and half sister at mummy's, and what about riverboat and DSP, you like having them around dont you?' he got very thoughtful and hatched a plan whereby I marry his mum's DP and we all live in adjoining houses!

Ahh, that's very sweet!

Don't you see though that a small child wouldn't need to come up with such a plan if both of their parents spent time together regularly, including other partners and siblings?

If the norm was that separated parents still spent time together, then children might wish for more time like that, but they wouldn't end up wishing for something they never get.

But we do do that, Clouds. Not every week, but about every couple of months we all (DP, me, DSS, his mother, her DP, their DC and DSC) have a BBQ, or a trip somewhere, or do a big lunch, or end up at the same mutual friends party...I think DSS likes these times but he doesn't specifically ask for more of them AFAIK.

I think some of you would only be happy if someone truly hated their ex, couldn't imagine being in the same room as them let alone share a coffee together.

Wonder if anyone noticed that Nemo has long since left this thread...

I do think though, their dd should be included in his new family unit as much as possible. Spend time with just her dad and his family and likewise with her mum. There could be a time when they want to something as a family without including dd's mum

But sowhat I mean this in a kind way because I have never had to deal with this sort of situation and maybe you have .... so have perhaps let that stop you from having an open mind.

You seem to have concluded that the OP will never let her DD see her dad without her there or expects them to do things all 5 of them together all the time. When I do not think for one second that is the case.

You are coming across as slightly mean (sorry) and I'm not surprised the OP has left.

Sawyer, all I was saying is that the OP's dd should be included in her dad's family unit as much as possible to make sure that she bonds with dad's partner and her sibling. Do things as a family that maybe he would have done with his ex but this week he doesn't want that and wants to spend time with his gf, his dd and the child he and his gf have together. I don't think the OP wants to prevent this happening, I was merely pointing out the importance of OP's ex including his daughter in his new family unit so that she doesn't feel excluded. But yes I think their daughter should spend time with her dad's family which wouldn't include her mum.

Wonder if anyone noticed that Nemo has long since left this thread...

I think she was surprised that not everyone agreed with her POV. Actually, it seems to be about a 50/50 split of opinion, so obviously not a clear cut situation.

I'm still surprised that some posters think there is no middle ground between hanging out with the ex and hating the ex. If you really want an amicable co parenting situation you have to take into account new partner's sensibilities.

Oh Stanley. You make me laugh. Perhaps Nemo has not bothered replying because she's had her opinion and feelings validated by lots of people who agree that the insecurities of new girl on the block really can't be allowed to lob a hand grenade into a really stable and secure co parenting arrangement.......

'Neither of us would have entertained a relationship that meant we had to stop the way we parented our children.

That's where the OPs ex has either made a massive mistake, or has been manipulated to within an inch of his life. If his GF said she was happy with the arrangement, he should have been able to trust that she was telling the truth. The fact that she has now changed her mind about what she is happy with just because she's pregnant is what makes me think she selfish and controlling. '

And it's up to him to put a stop to it. He shouldn't even have brought this up with the OP, 'She says blah blah blah,' but showed some backbone. I mean, anyone with a spine would have dumped her at 'that would be weird,' because it didn't seem so to him or his child.

So if she's selfish and controlling, he's yet another lily-livered prat.

Fleecyslippers

I think the OP got a bit overwrought on page 5, when she said this Most people have made me out to be a deranged monster, desperate to try and get her ex back, refusing to let him spend time with his daughter and trying to break up a new family

Glad I make you laugh though. [bugrin]

The OP's DD WILL see less of her dad if he isn't popping in for a coffee a couple of times a week, or dinner once a week, or occasionally going to the cinema with her mum and her dad.

Most of these times are times when she would ONLY be seeing her mum if they stopped.

So it stands to reason that if they stop, she sees less if her dad.

That's not rocket science.

So, by stamping her feet about this, the Ex's new GF is going to be cutting down the amount of times in a week the OP's DD sees her dad.

Which is unfair on the little girl at the centre of this who has never known any differently.

If it is all she has ever known, then surely she is going to feel that SHE has done something to upset daddy and that's why he doesn't want to see HER so much.

No amount of explaining that her mum and dad aren't in a relationship any more is going to change that feeling - she was too young when they split up to know any different, they've never been 'together' on that way to her, yet suddenly daddy stops coming in for coffee etc.

I foresee a little girl trying to pull her daddy into the OP's house, in tears, asking him to read her a story / see her new toy / look at her picture / look at her certificate, and daddy saying no.

And that won't hurt a child?!

I can't understand how people think it won't.

And the DD DOES get 'family time' with her dad and his new GF, and by extension will get that with her new sibling, but that shouldn't mean that she shouldn't get the little bit of 'family time' with both her mum and dad together that she currently gets TOO.

It's a quick coffee at pick up / drop off, a dinner a week, and the odd meal out. Why is that wrong for the OP to wish that to continue, when the alternative is an upset child asking her why not?!

And WTF do you say when it stops and it's all she's ever known?

This new GF's jealousy IS going to hurt this little girl, AND limit the time she gets to spend with her father there. Selfish.

Thisisaeuphemism - nope, the new partner needs to think about the CHILD's sensitivities. The new partner is the one rocking the boat, that the OP, her Ex AND their DD were all happy with, and only the new partner isn't.

So it's HER who needs to adapt to the situation.

I foresee a little girl trying to pull her daddy into the OP's house, in tears, asking him to read her a story / see her new toy / look at her picture / look at her certificate, and daddy saying no.

That is all just your opinion, you have absolutely no idea if that will be the case or not!

But the ex might not be happy with the hanging out either - that or he is as expat said a lily liveried prat.

I must admit whenever Ive been single, I'll go out with male friends, then when im in a relationship, I tend to back off a bit - and them too.

I hope the new gf isn't jealous - only time will tell really. I think there's a world of difference between regular dinners/cinema etc and a happy coffee at handover.

We are all in agreement the kids must come first.

'I think the OP got a bit overwrought on page 5, when she said this Most people have made me out to be a deranged monster, desperate to try and get her ex back, refusing to let him spend time with his daughter and trying to break up a new family'

I think the OP might have been being a tad sarcastic

And the laughing ? It's not in a good way [buwink] Especially when you are pagemarking and cataloguing the OPs comments. You really are like a dog with a bone on this thread.

Hi Fleecy- am I not entitled to post my thoughts on what I have found to be an interesting thread? And as you seem to have noticed what and how I have posted maybe you are like a dog with a bone too! Or is it different when you post?

I think this is an interesting thread, despite the OP apparently not being here any more.

I think its opened a lot of good questions about co-parenting after separation, dealing with new partners, whether its optimal for a child to spend regular quality time with its separated parents together, and not just separately.

Frankly I don't think we have nearly enough information about the OPs situation to really know to who is being unreasonable and to what extent, and we're unlikely to get it.