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AIBU?

to want to hang out with my ex? or is his new girlfriend the unreasonable one?

321 replies

HidingNemo · 27/03/2013 13:32

Me and my ex broke up when our daughter was 6months, so around 4 years ago now.

It was a very mutual decision and we even stayed living together until she was 1. We do quite a few things as a family, such as he comes over for dinner or we go out or we go to the cinema etc.

I really enjoy his company and he really is one of my best friends. But we don't work as a couple and would never consider getting back together.

He has now been seeing someone for a year and she had just moved in, and is pregnant with his child - I'm really happy for him and DD seems to like her and is excited about a new brother.

However the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

When I first found out they were serious I offered for her to be a part of these activities but she declined saying it would be weird.

I just feel so sad, I feel like I've lost a really good friend and that DD has lost out too.

Aibu?

OP posts:

Report

Losingexcessweight · 27/03/2013 17:17

I agree with the new gf I'm afraid.

It's very unusual to be acting as a family with your ex partner. I wouldn't like it if I was the new gf.

I think what the new gf is saying about now she's pregnant she wants this to stop etc, what she means is:

'Im pregnant, therefore our relationship has gone to a deeper level therefore I'm more of a priority than spending time with your ex.

Without meaning to sound harsh, but I think your enjoying the fact that you're causing problems between them, and that he seems to be prioritising you at the moment over her.

Fleecyslippers · 27/03/2013 17:19

YANBU. She sounds immature and paranoid. It never ceases to amaze me what demands people make. You and your Ex sound as if you have a really healthy approach to parenting your child. Don't let her petulance and insecurities spoil that for your daughters sake.

ProphetOfDoom · 27/03/2013 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EuphemiaLennox · 27/03/2013 17:24

I think your set up sounds great and really healthy.

Why can't a couple who split up become friends, even good friends?? Why does it have to be this only co parenting thing and nothing else??
You can be a co parent and a friend. Surely?

I can however understand a new gf finding this difficult or threatening as it is unusual.

It is up to your ex to reassure her and ultimately decide how he wants this to play out and how he foresees the future families working. He has to work that out with her. Hopefully for you, he can help her to feel relaxed and happy that you can all be friendly and close.

Maybe if/when you have a partner of your own, she may feel more reassured that this is a healthy friendship and nothing more??

Also I think seeing yourself as his family is great. You're not his girlfriend, wife, lover, partner, whatever, but you are the mother of his child and certainly to your dd you're a family.

Who gets to define family??

StanleyLambchop · 27/03/2013 17:31

I'm actually finding the move on comments really annoying and I'm not even the op.

The Op posted on AIBU, presumably to get a range of opinions. I am sure she can take it if not everyone agrees with her. We are all entitled to post our opinions.

Myinboxisfull · 27/03/2013 17:33

You haven't answered my question op, do you have a new partner and how does he feel about the current arrangements?

You've said that you ex dp visits your house for dinner 3 times a week, that's nearly half his evenings each week. Does your dd not spend any time with him in his own home without you being present?

Like I said, positive relationships between you and ex dp are a very good thing but I think that you are going to need to adjust your expectations of his role in your life now that he has a new partner and an additional child. I don't see why this should mean that your dd should see less do her father, rather that you will not be present for so much /all of it.

HidingNemo · 27/03/2013 18:02

OP you need to move on and let him go

I'm sorry but you're making it sound as if I'm some crazy ex-girlfriend who wants him back.

When in reality we both came to the decision to split and have both had other partners since.

He is always going to be a part of my life through my DD until she is at least 18.

OP posts:

HidingNemo · 27/03/2013 18:04

You've said that you ex dp visits your house for dinner 3 times a week

No I didn't say that.

I said he comes over for dinner or when I'm at his we'll have a coffee together - dinner once - coffee twice.

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 27/03/2013 18:14

I think it's really sad that so many people see the OPs relationship with her ex as something that shouldn't be happening.

The fact that its unusual doesn't make it wrong. They are working together to be good parents to the same child. The fact that they have a friendship as well is a lovely thing for their child to see.

I get on brilliantly with my ex, I get told all the time that its a good thing when people see us together, especially when my DH is there as well. If my DH can act like an adult about the fact that I have a good relationship with my ex, I don't see why anyone else can't.

The GF is in the situation she's in yes, so it doesn't do much good now to say that she should have thought about it before she got pregnant, but she does have to live with the consequences of the situation she helped create. I don't suppose it's what she wanted for her pregnancy and family, but she this is the position she has put herself in and she has to live with it as it is. She does not have any say at all over the relationship her BF has with his other co parent.

Thisisaeuphemism · 27/03/2013 18:21

I get on well with exdh and often hang out with his wife. However, if my partner, or if she, were unhappy with the situation the I would cut back contact immediately. The children and the new partner are the priority.

Having said that the girlfriends comment was weird but I wonder if that's been reported back correctly.

ruledbyheart · 27/03/2013 18:23

I co parent with my STBXH and he regularly is at my house to spend time with his DCs as he doesn't have anywhere suitable to have them plus we enjoy all enjoy each others company, Im pregnant with DC4 with my new partner of two years, he knew the score when he came onto the scene and wouldn't dream of changing it to suit himself.
The idea of STBXH having a new partner who would stop him spending time with his DCs at mine is worrying as its worked for so long so I know how you feel OP.

However your exs new partner knew the score when they got together so its unfairof her to want to change it now.

HidingNemo · 27/03/2013 18:28

The children and the new partner are the priority

Really? I know I'm not a priority but he still has a daughter.

Why should one child take precedence over the other?

OP posts:

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 27/03/2013 18:34

Why should one child take precedence over the other

Well exactly. He'll have 2 children and not 1 anymore.

Thisisaeuphemism · 27/03/2013 18:38

One child won't have priority - or are you saying he can't see his daughter unless you're there?

CloudsAndTrees · 27/03/2013 18:41

But one child does end up the priority in these situations because one child gets the pleasure of enjoying things with both of their parents, and the other doesn't have that.

It's always sad when children don't get to enjoy things with the two people that matter the most in the world to them at the same time, but it's even worse when the child could have that but is denied it because of the insecurities of a new girlfriend.

HidingNemo · 27/03/2013 18:44

or are you saying he can't see his daughter unless you're there?

I've never said or done that EVER.

That's a truly horrible thing to suggest.

OP posts:

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 27/03/2013 18:44

But that is what happens in separated families though. It's a huge reality. A lot of children have to live with that reality. What about their family unit, which does include your dd? What about when they want to go on family days out together instead of him seeing you? Or go on family holidays together? It's also your dd's ailing they are having.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 27/03/2013 18:45

*sibling

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 27/03/2013 18:47

And their new baby isn't a priority just because the baby's parents are still together.

worley · 27/03/2013 18:49

I'm having almost same situation.. ex dp has regularly spent time with the dc and me. all together as family time. he house shared for 4 years with two others and not suitable to take children to his. he stayed here overnight (on settee) so I could go out and stay at friends over night. now he's moved into a new flat with his new gf (who he was previously house shared with until they got together) he now sees the dc twice a week for two hours at a time before he has to go. he's not allowed to stay over and the children have no where to stay at hers. she knew our situation before and now she's insisting on him stopping this.

So no OP, I don't think your being unreasonable at all.. she knew score and now wants to change things. it's the dc that it all affects. (I've had bf who were fine with this arrangement.. they had their own dc and acknowledged this was how things were to enable the dc to see their dad..

Thisisaeuphemism · 27/03/2013 18:49

But then why are you suggesting the new child will get priority? The new family will - but why won't he continue being an involved dad?

CloudsAndTrees · 27/03/2013 18:50

It's what happens when the parents fall out, but it doesn't have to be what happens. It has worked well for them so far. I expect it would continue to work well if there wasn't someone else who didn't like it.

But it's not up to that someone else to dictate how two parents choose to be around their child.

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Thisisaeuphemism · 27/03/2013 18:51

Is it that she is suggesting he sees his child less? That would be unreasonable.

HidingNemo · 27/03/2013 18:51

I have never stopped the three of them having time just them three. They can have days out and family holidays.

I have never once suggested that they can't.

Me and DD even picked out a present to give to them when I found out she was pregnant.

You are trying to paint me as a monster. Someone who will only let my ex see his daughter when she is with me, blackmail him into seeing me and then trying to wreck their family.

OP posts:

cjel · 27/03/2013 18:55

YADNBU. I also think that I'd be concerned for Xp if he was having a baby with the girlfriend and NOW she is telling him what he can and can't do. I would have thought if she didn't like it she should have made sure XP wanted sooner. His DS has relationships sorted in her life and it seems a bit drastic to make these changes which might affect DD at a time when she is going to have to share him with a baby who will live with him full time. Having said that I can understand new gf wanted to try to create ideal family unit for her DC. I don't know how much I'd challenge it though.

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