to want to hang out with my ex? or is his new girlfriend the unreasonable one?

[HidingNemo]

Me and my ex broke up when our daughter was 6months, so around 4 years ago now.

It was a very mutual decision and we even stayed living together until she was 1. We do quite a few things as a family, such as he comes over for dinner or we go out or we go to the cinema etc.

I really enjoy his company and he really is one of my best friends. But we don't work as a couple and would never consider getting back together.

He has now been seeing someone for a year and she had just moved in, and is pregnant with his child - I'm really happy for him and DD seems to like her and is excited about a new brother.

However the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

When I first found out they were serious I offered for her to be a part of these activities but she declined saying it would be weird.

I just feel so sad, I feel like I've lost a really good friend and that DD has lost out too.

Aibu?

[Thisisaeuphemism]

I don't see you as a monster! I would have loved you as my partners ex - really!
I'm just suggesting backing off just a little - cutting back on the days out and cinema trips - while she is pregnant and hormonal - she might come round - but if not the important thing is the respect you have for each other. Your dd needn't suffer from the change.

[SoWhatIfImWorkingClass]

No, there are a lot of amicable parents out there who don't do everything the OP does with her ex. Just saying.

My OH and his ex are very amicable and get on brilliantly. I get on with her too and have a chit chat when I see her. But I think they'd both throw their heads back and laugh if I said why don't you go out together with your daughter as a family? My OH would be inclined to take his "new" children with him too if he ever did.

[Myinboxisfull]

It might be worth thinking about the fact that family dynamics change when a sibling is born even when both parents are still together. Even in these more straightforward situations there is less time for a parent to spend with each child on their own.

[HidingNemo]

But I think they'd both throw their heads back and laugh if I said why don't you go out together with your daughter as a family?

And? Just because they would react like that it doesn't make it right or wrong.

[SoWhatIfImWorkingClass]

Each to their own then I guess.

[Myinboxisfull]

I've just read your original post and I think that yes, you are losing a friend and that men often stop being friends with other women when they settle down. But this doesn't mean that you can't have a good co-parenting relationship with him. I does sound like you are being sidelined a bit now but that doesn't mean that your dd needs to be.

[HidingNemo]

I'm just suggesting backing off just a little

Back off?

I'm not hammering at their door, showing up at places I know they'll be, ringing him etc.

It's a very mutual thing. Sometimes he will text me and say I'm taking DD to see this film on Thursday night if you'd like to come along too?

Or sometimes I will do that with him.

It's not just me.

We carried on doing this when they started dating and she has only said she has a problem with it since she got pregnant.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

But this girlfriend doesn't like it :( and as his partner she does have precedence over you. I can tell how gutting this is for you tho- I'm sorry- it IS a shame for you that he's chosen someone less easy going but that's how it goes.

[MimiSunshine]

Ultimately though, it doesn't matter if anyone else thinks its weird. And unusual doesn't mean wrong BTW.
It's what the OP and DDs dad thinks and how they decide to co-parent. The GF can have an opinion but she doesn't get to decide, unfortunately she can like it or lump it because 1 meal and the odd couple of coffees doesn't really seem that overly excessive and everything would be a lot easier if she just got on board with it.

It's not about being 'one big happy Mormon family' it's about getting on and not trying to re-write history to suit your own insecure needs. Which us what she sounds like to me, I mean for gods sake, hiding away when OP drops DD off just sounds like the GF wants there to be a problem

[Myinboxisfull]

I've asked you twice now whether you have a new partner and you haven't answered and so I'm assuming that you're still single. Do you intend continuing your relationship with your ex dp in exactly the same form when you a living with a new partner or is it feasible that you might want to do some things differently?

[PeppaFuckingPig]

But he isn't just an ex.
He's also a friend.

I see a lot of threads on here all of the time about friends of the opposite sex and people remaining friends with their ex, so i really can't see why people are jumping over the OP and saying that her friendship with her ex is inappropriate?

[Myinboxisfull]

Also, new partner may well be feeling more vulnerable right now that she's pregnant. She may feel a bit more secure when she's had the baby.

[HidingNemo]

Sorry inbox didn't realise, I also didn't realise that I was required to answer to you.

Yes I am single. Since the start of March I came out of a 7 month relationship.

Things stayed the same. My partner (now ex) did not have a problem with this.

[spottyparrot]

I think YABU, sorry.

You are your DD's family. He is also your DD's family. But the three of you are no longer a family. The things that you are doing as a three - a dinner at home, a cinema outing/whatever appear to be "family" stuff to me. I can see why the new gf would feel uncomfortable with her DP going to (excuse the expression, can't think of anything else) "play happy families" with his childhood sweetheart and their daughter. This stuff would all be fine if neither of you were in new relationships, but he is now in a serious relationship and his primary concern adult relationship wise must be his pregnant partner. Regarding his children, clearly the new baby will live with him so his involvement with the baby is not an issue. Re the DD you have together, she will have 2 homes - one with you and one with him and his new family. It would be nice for your DD if you, him, the new gf and the new baby were able to spent time together, all 5 of you but that does rely on consent from all 3 of the adults and if new gf won't give it, there is unfortunately nothing to be done about it. You both agreed to split up so in doing so, you have to accept that there is now a 3rd adult in the mix. You say that he will always be part of your life, yes you are correct even when your DD is grown up there will be things like weddings, graduations etc. However, you should not be his main friend/confidante etc - that's the position his partner has now and you will have to respect their wishes as a couple, however those wishes have come about (ie they may be hers) and whatever the balance of power within that couple (perhaps her imposing her views and him going along with it) - even if you do not think it is right or fair.

[Myinboxisfull]

X posts

[TobyLerone]

the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

But his dad is a father to a different family. She doesn't get to choose that.

[Myinboxisfull]

I can see that it's all quite difficult T the moment but am sure things will settle down and you will all find a new, slightly different arrangement that everyone is comfortable with.

[HidingNemo]

Thanks Peppa

We've actually be friends since secondary school when we were sat together in Maths in Year 8.

Both went to different unis but both were in London and lived together second and third year (with other people)

And then went traveling together for a year afterwards then became a couple.

I am now 28. So we have known each other 15 years. So yes I feel sad to lose a friend - I'm unsure if that makes me selfish or not.

[Myinboxisfull]

I don't see it to be a problem seeing a man accept his responsibilities towards a child from a previous relationship. A good thing I'd have thought.

[sunshine401]

She wants to start her family journey. Your child will still have mum and dad but you have to be separate families.
When your child spends time with dad it will be spending time with dad and family.
Does not mean you cannot spend family time with your child alone.

I can understand her view point. Not many dads with other families still go out on day trips with Ex in tow.

[ComeOnBeANoOne]

I think she is the unreasonable one. It is mainly up to your ex to sit down with her and re-iterate the situation to her, that it is beneficial to your DD to still have her family.

I can understand where she is coming from, but at the end of the day she was offered the chance to be part of these activities which was very reasonable of you to invite her to be part of the family group. Me and my ex are in a very similar situation and I wouldn't let any new partners affect our DD's family time. Adults are supposedly mature enough to adapt to these situations, it would potentially upset your DD. Hope everything works out!

[CloudsAndTrees]

Spotty, I find your way of looking at it very odd.

It does not require the consent of three adults for two parents to spend time together. It requires the consent of the two adults directly involved. The third adult has come into a situation where she either gets to accept the situation as it is, or she gets to walk away.

If the father in this situation wants things to change, then that is a different story. But if he wants things to remain the same and OP wants thing to remain the same, then there is no reason why things shouldn't remain the same.

Splitting up with a partner does not automatically mean another adult gets to come along and start changing things.

The new girlfriend sounds like she is a man trap to me.

[Myinboxisfull]

It's understandable that you feel the loss of the close friendship that you both had but ex dp's primary relationship is with someone else now. That doesn't detract from his relationship with his dd though.

[HidingNemo]

I can see why the new gf would feel uncomfortable with her DP going to (excuse the expression, can't think of anything else) "play happy families" with his childhood sweetheart and their daughter

Yes to be honest I can too. BUT ... she knew it was like that from the start.

I have tried so hard to be nice to her. One of the reasons I wanted her to come out with us was so that DD could see for herself that we can all get along (I think sometimes a child has a natural reaction to dislike the new partner).

I also wanted her to see there was nothing between romantic between us anymore.

I always encourage DD to be nice to her and I'm very happy that she seems to really like her.

[StanleyLambchop]

She does not have any say at all over the relationship her BF has with his other co parent.

No, but it is the ex who decides how much time he wants to spend with the OP. As his new GF is having his baby and he is living with her, I imagine that ultimately he will cut back the socialising with OP and just concentrate on his relationship with hid DD.

I can imagine that that will be hard for you OP, but while the relationship you have with your ex works well for him, you and your DD, the GF is saying loud & clear that it does not work for her, and I think she is entitled to have her views taken into account aswell. But it is for the ex to decide.