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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give them NOTHING for their wedding?

262 replies

ariane5 · 26/03/2013 20:27

SIL has owed us money for years-repeated attempts have been made to get her to repay but she rarely does, MIL is same AND BIL.

It is an ongoing issue and I've posted before about it.

SIL is getting married soon (huge lavish event £££) and sent us an invite-within which was a request for no present just cash in a card....

She still owes me £310 so I said to dh I am not giving them a penny.

Its bad enough I have to go to the wedding as can't stand any of dh family BUT dcs like their aunty and I can understand dh wants to see his little sister get married although I draw the line at giving the greedy sods any money. DH says he would but I have said over my dead body.

AIBU?

OP posts:
nkf · 27/03/2013 21:57

I don't understand. Does it go like this?
She got you to take out a loan for her?
She wouldn't pay it back?
You stopped letting her see your child?
She took you to court? Supported by your husband? If so, what sort of support? Witness statement? Money?

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 27/03/2013 21:57

Is there anything good about your relationship OP? I thought it was already pretty shitty that he doesn't defend you and talks about you behind your back, but he actually sided with your mother and took you to court??!!

What on earth made you stay with someone who could treat you so appallingly?

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 27/03/2013 22:03

I thought I recognised your username I remember the thread where you mentioned the mil loan. Why do you put up with this shit? Your Dh has never put you first ever. This will never change

StuntGirl · 27/03/2013 22:04

I just had a quick look on citizens advice and it looks like it would cost about £100 to file a claim in the small claims court. Would you be able to pull that together? I think I'd rather be £100 down but get something from them than let them get away with owing me all that money.

stifnstav · 27/03/2013 22:07

Unreal! He is a major momma's boy. Controlled or what?

If you want a kickass letter doing to SIL please pm me. I would take great pleasure in it landing on her doormat the day before the wedding....

nkf · 27/03/2013 22:13

If you didn't get the £800 back from your mother-in-law, then I doubt you'll get the £310 back from your sister-in-law. I think you need to get very in touch with your anger. You need new glasses. You are broke. Your kids are missing out. Think of that and draw strength. Say no now. To every request that puts you out or inconveniences you. Do not let your husband have any money at all because he is an idiot. Hide away money because, one day, you will want to get out of there. Get a better paid job. Do everything you can to enrich you and your children. Make it clear that you will not be paying anything for the outfits.

Original poster
ariane5 · 27/03/2013 22:14

I met DH when I was 18, after a few months I got pregnant (I was living at home with my mum) She hit the roof and I ended up getting forced into having a termination followed by a complete breakdown.I then moved in with dh (then dp) at his mums.

Whilst there she persuaded me to obtain a £8000 loan as she couldn't get one and needed to pay off loan sharks.In my depressed state I was vulnerable and agreed.
I got pregnant again but suffered with HG and was hospitalised, MIL stopped paying loan back, DH and I argued about it and I split up with him and moved back home.

I had dd1 and that's when they took me to court, all the letters were signed DH name in MIL writing, she phoned all the time and when I changed numbers she camr to my mums house. I only saw dh in court, it was obvious he was being pushed into it by MIL.

Contact was supervised but they kept taking me back to push for full weekends etc unsupervised.This went on till dd1 was 2.5.
In the end dh gave up and dropped all the court stuff as it made me ill and was affecting dd. His mum tried to pursue it but couldn't.

Dh and I got back together again, split up again then sorted things out.I took MIL to small claims for loan money and she paid a small amount every month for years to clear it.

Not much more really to tell.We now have 4dcs and got married last June. We actually had a HUGE terrible argument on 29 dec (ds1 bday) last year-I posted as was going to end it completely, DH left it was horrendous but 2 days later dd2 was seriously unwell in hosp and DH came back as I couldn't cope with 4 disabled dcs on my own and with dd2 now diabetic it was too much.

Since then we have just been muddling along, every day is taken up with dcs unwell/money issues.Really I don't have much of a life and no real support hence why I post on minute so much about things Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ariane5 · 27/03/2013 22:15

Mn not minute stupid phone

OP posts:
CharmingCats · 27/03/2013 22:16

Excuse me muscling in here. Your dc need a happy mum, first and foremost. And I'm sure that CAFCASS would agree.
This situation is making your life difficult and adding stress when your children have health issues. Yes, they are adult issues, and as one of the adults, you need to take control of them. Ok, they would like to go to the wedding and see their family. Decide whether or not you're going. You have very valid reasons not to. Then, tell your chn of the decision and that it's final. That way, they know whats going to happen. You, the adult, will have set a boundary, no different to any other a parent sets. You don't need to go into why or the debt etc. just that you can't afford the expense. You are also teaching them the value of money and that you can't have everything. It would be irresponsible of you to get yourselves into debt in order to attend this wedding (I know you know this, but want to lay it on thick just in case you're still in two minds).
Then you address the contact issue as a separate thing. It sounds as though DH has been emotionally blackmailed for years. The only person's behaviour you can change is yours. Make it as stress free for yourself as possible. That maybe letting DH take the chn over to mil for a bit. This will also evolve in time, especially if the money issue remains unresolved.
I totally agree with your feeling about the money. Do not even consider giving them a gift, even if you do go to the wedding. If they ask, tell them why! I would also continue to chase the money. It's not £20, it's your glasses or half s terms school dinners or school uniform or 2/3 supermarket shops.
Please, please put you and your first. Make decisions based on that. DH may need more practice at this, but if you are consistent and as calm as possible, then he will learn that you won't back down.
Very best of luck. Please let us know what happens.

nkf · 27/03/2013 22:18

It's no way to live, honey. That's for sure. I think you need to make a plan.

MorrisZapp · 27/03/2013 22:22

Isn't it your DHs responsibility not to give away your kids dinner money? How does he feel about his own kids going without?

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 27/03/2013 22:23

Can you go to CAB? Find out what sort of practical help/funding you would be entitled to if you left? You sound like you have been manipulated and bullied into submission. You don't have to put up with their crap and you deserve better.

CharmingCats · 27/03/2013 22:23

Please don't take this the wrong way. Are you getting support from social services? It sounds as though you should be eligible for a family support worker or something similr through a disabled children service or charity.

Original poster
ariane5 · 27/03/2013 22:28

Had a SS ref years ago but no help offered. Children with disabilities team won't help-dcs are apparently "disabled but not severely enough to meet the criteria" so we are in no mans land. They get dla but that's all the help we get no actual practical help although have had a lovely home start lady coming for last 2 weeks ev wed am but that will only be till end april as they have lost their funding.

OP posts:
LimeFlower · 27/03/2013 22:28

Ariane not so long ago you were so broke that you were looking for a food bank.
Your DH has stinking attitude if he can't stand up to his mother and sister seeing you and his DISABLED kids going without the basics (and yes,you need the specs).
Definitely NO MONEY for SIL and get pushy about the debt,no writing off,you NEED it.Sod MIL,SIL and not so "D" H upset.People like this have no morals at all,they don't care.
If the kids won't go to the wedding-tough luck.
Don't give them any money,they sponged you enough.

StuntGirl · 27/03/2013 22:54

I agree, no money or presents. Make sure you get it confirmed that they will be paying for the children at the wedding. Then go to town - get that money back.

I would also seriously consider how much contact I wanted my children to have with them. These people are not good for you, your children or your family.

BeCool · 27/03/2013 23:09

£310 is too much to give this woman. Give her £20 in a card for wedding and call her on her return from honeymoon to arrange a payment plan for the £310 Grin

IrrelevantElephant · 27/03/2013 23:33

Ariane, I know you need this money back desperately, but I think you're going to have to let it go. Your DH lent the money out, and by the sounds of it, he didn't make it clear that it was a loan that needed repaying. If he refuses to ask for it back, then it really gives the impression he gave the money as a gift, not a loan. And in that case, it's not SIL/MILs fault that they haven't repaid, it's your DHs.

juanca · 28/03/2013 00:06

Man, I've read some bad IL stories on here before and yours is up there with the worst of them. I'd be tempted to flee the whole lot of them, your DH included, but it's easy for me to say.

Hope it all works out, OP. It sounds incredibly stressful. If it were me I would not bring up the debt again but every Christmas/birthday/gift-giving event I would give your SIL a card with a note deducting an amount off your debt.

Charlesroi · 28/03/2013 00:19

If you DH loaned the money out and refuses to help get it back (despite you and the kids going short), then he should sacrifice any 'fun' money he has until it's paid back.
Does he pop out for a couple of pints of a weekend? Not any more sunshine. Any hobbies? Nope. Can't afford them.

Your DH is being an utterly spineless twat, and hoping it'll all go away ('it's not me - it's the wife'). Make the fuckers life as uncomfortable as yours is.

diddl · 28/03/2013 08:17

I agree that the money sounds a lost cause tbh.
And that he should definitely be feeling the pinch.

So you were refusing contact with your husband & his child because him Mum owed you money?

In which case, I'm sorry but I can see why he took you to court.

That said, if he was OK about his Mum forcing you to take out a loan, I#d have left him.

In fact I'd still consider it.

They're all so screwed up about money I can't see how you'll ever be free of the threat/worry of him giving them money.

Original poster
ariane5 · 28/03/2013 08:21

Yes I refused contact because his mum owed me money and I was having to use all my benefits to make the loan repayment every month and because of her I ccouldnt afford anything.I went hungry so that I could buy dd nappies.

For them to then want to take dd1 for whole weekends was completely unacceptable to me. I couldn't let her go and she was also only 8 wks old and ebf yet they still persisted and MIL was always round hammering on door with next set of court papers. It was awful.

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Original poster
ariane5 · 28/03/2013 08:33

And all night I've been mostly awake stressed about all this.

I asked Dh this morning exactly WHY he would rather see me and dcs go without.he just shrugged and said there's no point keep asking for money when they won't repay, that he would have dropped it a long time ago.

I said "you say you would have dropped it by now and that's fair enough-what annoys me is that you still want to have these people in your life? Dropping a debt is one thing but I'd never speak to them again and you just want to carry on being friends-what does that tell them? That you are weak??"

He just smirks he said "I'm different to you I'm too nice I can't help helping people"

I shouted at him "But YOUR children are going without I can't afford school lunches/trips"
And the idiot replied "well then we need to make sure we have the 10 pound every week"

"WHERE FROM THOUGH DH THE FUCKING MONEY TREE IN THE GARDEN"

I have had enough I can't just magic up 10 pounds a week if I don't have it.he doesn't get it and now I feel horrid dcs heard argument before school m

OP posts:
Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 28/03/2013 08:40

Don't feel horrid dcs need to hear arguments sometimes it's the real world. As long as it isn't a constantly unhappy environment they'll be ok.

Not keen on the smirking, do you think he could possibly enjoy the attention from you? He sounds a bit immature to me?

Original poster
ariane5 · 28/03/2013 08:45

I don't know what the problem is but I've told him on mon (mIL has prommised 20 off debt) that he will be going round to collect it and if as per usual she has a stupid excuse as to why she doesn't have it then he is to tell her "these excuses are not good enough my dcs are going without"

I am so angry. I do love him but I don't LIKE him

OP posts: