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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give them NOTHING for their wedding?

262 replies

ariane5 · 26/03/2013 20:27

SIL has owed us money for years-repeated attempts have been made to get her to repay but she rarely does, MIL is same AND BIL.

It is an ongoing issue and I've posted before about it.

SIL is getting married soon (huge lavish event £££) and sent us an invite-within which was a request for no present just cash in a card....

She still owes me £310 so I said to dh I am not giving them a penny.

Its bad enough I have to go to the wedding as can't stand any of dh family BUT dcs like their aunty and I can understand dh wants to see his little sister get married although I draw the line at giving the greedy sods any money. DH says he would but I have said over my dead body.

AIBU?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 27/03/2013 19:33

If that is the case then don't go, don't let the kids go and tell your h he can go if he wants.

I'd make a real pest of yourself in the mean time and call the mil on Monday to ask where the money is. And keep on.

Original poster
ariane5 · 27/03/2013 19:45

I know how toxic they all are BUT dcs like them.They are too young to understand all they know is that when they see aunty/nanny they are kind to them and they like them.

Dcs are excited about the wedding, all they know is that they get to dress up/have fun. I don't know what to do. I can't justify stopping them seeing dcs, they are their family (as much as I hate that fact).I suppose I have to hope that dcs grow up and quickly realise what DH family are really like.

It would be easy for me to say to dh family no seeing dcs but I don't want to use them as a weapon.I don't know what to do.I just don't want in a few years time for one of dcs to be getting out a loan for MIL like I was tricked into at 18.

OP posts:
Ashoething · 27/03/2013 19:49

they are tocic twats.you know this and yet you are happy to let your kids be around them.your dc will grow up knowing that you and your dh are doormats.it will.effect them and yet you persist in allowing them to dictate to you? man the fuck.up.

AngryAnderson · 27/03/2013 19:53

Ariane, I have read this thread and the one about your DSis. I feel so much sympathy for you - you have so much to deal with with the DCs illnesses and BOTH sets of families Sad. On the plus side, how lovely to have 4 DCs, you seem a very strong person and your relationship with dh is still on, despite the pressures around you, so there are many blessings in your life still Smile I believe that if you start working thru some of these issues, you WILL resolve them.

In this situation, can you start by asking your DCs if THEY want to go to the wedding and go from there? I agree with the posters that you WILL end up paying out (weddings are always expensive for everyone) and I can't imagine that you would want to be there for a second. DH can always attend solo, while you enjoy a nice day out with the kids.

I also must be a complete bitch but have you thought about actively sabotaging her wedding? I personally would be happy to tell her florist, venue, dress supplier, etc etc that she has owed you a significant amount of money for x amount of time with no prospect of repayment and you will shortly be pursuing her through the Small Claims Court and even CCJs. As lots of wedding suppliers are small businesses, perhaps they might not be so keen to supply her, knowing this? I am a bitch, aren't I? Smile

AngryAnderson · 27/03/2013 19:53

Oops x post

SimoneDeBeaver · 27/03/2013 19:55

In my head I would stand by their naff-as-hell wishing well and count £310 out in full view of the whole party.

But of course in real life I would button lip, let dcs enjoy and then try not to engage with them again.

BUT I would absolutely NOT give them anything.

Original poster
ariane5 · 27/03/2013 20:01

I am by no means happy that dcs see them with Dh sometimes but I don't know what else to do. If I stop all contact completely then I will be stopping them seeing members of their family and will dcs then one day resent me for that as to be honest if I were to stop contact with every toxic member if our families dcs would never see anybody.

The debts are a big horrible issue but an adult issue, it does affect dcs as they go without but I do not want to be saying to an 11,6,3 and nearly 1 year old that "nanny and aunty are making you go without x,y,z as although true I don't want to upset/confuse them.

For now if dh wants to pop in to see MIL with them for a coffee and dcs play for a bit that's fine.I will never go and if they ask why I WILL tell them and hope in the end they make their own choices.

OP posts:
HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 27/03/2013 20:09

You should write SIL a letter asking for the money she owes you, throw in some scary legal jargon, state that if she does not repay you before a certain date (a reasonable amount of time after receiving the letter), you will be forced to take legal action. Then send it recorded delivery so she has to sign for it and you will have proof she has received it and therefore acknowledged your request.

I know you say you can't afford to take her to court, but hopefully this will make her take you seriously and she'll pay you back rather than risk it.

diddl · 27/03/2013 20:11

"I asked him to speak to them, he wouldn't so its left to me and I can just imagine the conversations now that he will have behind my back "I wouldn't make you pay it mum but dw is insisting I'm sorry etc etc etc)." Shock

I really couldn't stay with him.

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 27/03/2013 20:12

Also, how did DH give her the money? If it was by bank transfer or similar you will have evidence of it.

montmartre · 27/03/2013 20:13

You know what? Children can dress up at home and have fun. I don't think you should even go to this wedding. I understand why your DH cannot demand the money back- he is too used to having to give them everything he has, I don't think he's 'spineless', I think they've just worn him down, and conditioned him. You can't change that.
However weddings still cost money- you will need something to wear (both adults, let alone the children, and I know they will leave you in the lurch for the DC's outfits, I know it!), you will need to travel to get there, hairdresser for you possibly, etc etc etc I don't see how you would get away with spending nothing, and that puts you even more out of pocket.

How can family bear to see you go without your specs? Sad

What a terrible situation all round.

Original poster
ariane5 · 27/03/2013 20:31

It is horrible.I just don't want to carry on this toxic cycle.its coming from every person and I don't want to be stopping dcs seeing people/spouting hatred about family members (even though they are all horrible) and making dcs unhappy/bitter and then they become toxic peiple too.

Sometimes I wonder if we should move far far away and start again just us, then it wouldn't be an issue as toxic family would be miles away and not able to see dcs anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
ariane5 · 27/03/2013 20:31

People not peiple!

OP posts:
diddl · 27/03/2013 21:07

They really don't deserve to see your children though.

They treat you like shit.

If they weren't family, I doubt that you'd bother with them.

Original poster
ariane5 · 27/03/2013 21:17

Yes they do treat me like shit.

I am struggling with things though-i am very aware what a terrible environment dcs are in, they all have serious health issues and are surrounded by toxic people. I struggle day to day with how to make sure they don't turn out badly.

I want them to be well adjusted and happy but I am not happy and having never really been in a 'normal'environment myself I don't know what to do for the best.

I remember all too well when dd1 was a baby and dh and mil took me to court for contact that the court and cafcass were adamant that unless there was a child protection issue then dcs should ALWAYS see family and that arguments between adults should not affect any children I am trying to go by that advice but it is very difficult.

OP posts:
diddl · 27/03/2013 21:25

But I didn't think that GPs had any rights & that it's up to parents.

Your husband took you to court?Confused

claudedebussy · 27/03/2013 21:28

what????

jeez what fuckwits.

but your dh was involved?

nkf · 27/03/2013 21:36

Your husband took you to court? Was that a typo? Because if not, then your troubles go well beyond £310 and a wedding gift.

notactuallyme · 27/03/2013 21:45

I've only come
To have some lunch
And maybe dinner too
For that will save me
Forty quid
Of what I've lent to you.

In fact my dear,
I'm really skint
And poorly sighted too
So I'm planning on
A fishing trip
Well it's very over due...

Original poster
ariane5 · 27/03/2013 21:50

Yes when dd1 was 8 weeks old (she is now 11) they took me to court as I had refused contact due to non payment of the 8000pound loan mIl had tricked me into getting out on her behalf.It dragged on till dd1 was 2.5 yrs and was horrible.

MIL would constantly be hammering on my door with court letters etc.was an awful time.

OP posts:
nkf · 27/03/2013 21:53

Your husband too? How come you don't hate his guts?

claudedebussy · 27/03/2013 21:53

and you were living with your dh? who was taking you to court?

nkf · 27/03/2013 21:54

And how did the £800 loan come about?

StuntGirl · 27/03/2013 21:54

Good god ariane, at first I thought your husband was a bit of a wet lettuce but now I think he's just absolutely vile :(

You and your children deserve so much more than these awful people :(

MorrisZapp · 27/03/2013 21:56

Your current husband took you to court?