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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give them NOTHING for their wedding?

262 replies

ariane5 · 26/03/2013 20:27

SIL has owed us money for years-repeated attempts have been made to get her to repay but she rarely does, MIL is same AND BIL.

It is an ongoing issue and I've posted before about it.

SIL is getting married soon (huge lavish event £££) and sent us an invite-within which was a request for no present just cash in a card....

She still owes me £310 so I said to dh I am not giving them a penny.

Its bad enough I have to go to the wedding as can't stand any of dh family BUT dcs like their aunty and I can understand dh wants to see his little sister get married although I draw the line at giving the greedy sods any money. DH says he would but I have said over my dead body.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 28/03/2013 08:45

This wedding is the absolute least of your problems. You have four kids and a husband who doesn't understand that their needs come first. Forget the wedding, who cares about a wedding. You need a plan to get the hell away from this idiot.

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 28/03/2013 08:46

Why do you love him?

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 28/03/2013 08:47

Really that should say what do you love about him? Is it his excellent parenting skills? Hmm

diddl · 28/03/2013 08:48

If it was solely his money to do with as he wanted-or as a family you were in a position to write it off-fine.

I can't believe he thinks so little not only of you, but especially his children.

Original poster
ariane5 · 28/03/2013 08:52

This will sound ridiculous but yes! His parenting skills!

He helps immensely with dcs needs-physio daily, hosp appts, sleeps on floor by dd2s bed as she has v unstable diabetes and has numerous hypos through the night.
I am up usually with ds1 who has a lot of pain/sleeps badly and ds2 who wakes for feeding.
Without him I would not cope at all with dcs as all are so unwell. He is actually wonderful with dcs and patient and caring.
Without his family's influence (and mine but that a whole other set of problems) things could be so different.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 28/03/2013 08:56

Ariane, with all due respect this thread is no different to the one before Christmas. And the one where you needed a food bank.

Same issues, same responses.

You dh is a spineless fuck.

Things will never change.

Original poster
ariane5 · 28/03/2013 09:00

I know and I don't know what to do anymore Sad

Really and truly what is the point. I feel completely broken.I try and try and try but with dcs being unwell, toxic families and no money I can't cope.
No rl support.

I just want to be happy and I'm not.

OP posts:
MercedesKing · 28/03/2013 09:28

Totally agree with Maggie111. Cause your DH can not do what you want...

LittleAbruzzenBear · 28/03/2013 09:46

Ariane, I have just read your posts since I last posted yesterday. Like others, I thought your DH was being spineless, but now....gosh, sorry, but he is a complete and utter git. He should grow some, stand up to his leeching family, if not for you, for your DCs. If he can't do that, if he cannot understand that his DW and DCs should come first then I'm afraid I agree with Diddl and others that if it was me in your shoes, my marriage would be over (unless you can get DH to see sense and change). So sorry you're going through this, I have toxic in-laws who DH kicked to the side last year when enough was enough and their actions were upsetting our DCs too. I really hope you resolve things, but I also hope you get your money.

ophelia275 · 28/03/2013 11:25

I would not give them a gift or any money and go to the wedding and eat and drink as much as possible.

sue52 · 28/03/2013 11:39

Your DH thinks he's nice not to ask for money owing? He would rather see his children go without than upset his mother and sister. He sounds like a waste of space. Do you really want a life with him? He is a poor example to his kids.

FlouncyMcFlouncer · 28/03/2013 15:53

I'd rather have a spineless annoying Dh who was good with my four disabled kids than be on my own with them to be fair.

Although I think he'd be in the spare room and we'd be 'house and child sharing' rather than an actual couple.

Original poster
ariane5 · 28/03/2013 17:06

To be honest we are not really much of a couple at the moment.

Don't have a spare room but dh sleeps beside dd2s bed anyway. I am fed up of things but wouldn't manage dcs if I was on my own.

OP posts:
nkf · 28/03/2013 19:14

He could still be a wonderful father but you would be splitting the care between two homes. Kids needs parents to feel as positive and buoyant as possible. They need mums who have the spectacles they need.

nkf · 28/03/2013 19:15

Or maybe you think of how to separate the money and the childcare. Don't stress about the money any more. Let it go. And concentrate on building up what you have. Can you earn? Can you earn more?

MummytoKatie · 28/03/2013 20:18

I suspect that when Cafcass said you dc should see family they meant their father - not a distant relative (and in my view grandparents are distant relatives unless they are a significantly positive impact on the kids.)

For what it's worth my mum's parents were what would now be called toxic (she called them "difficult"). Saw them occassionally but they weren't really part of my life. Can't say I've been damaged by it at all. Lots of happy childhood memories, did well at school, good job, happy marriage, lovely dd, ds on the way. All in all my life is pretty nice - I see myself as incredibly lucky.

Original poster
ariane5 · 28/03/2013 21:18

I wouldn't be able to work, dcs need too much care due to illnesses so only 1 of us could work and DH can earn more than I could.

If we split up he would move straight back to his mums and then he would be straight back to lending.I want to stop him lending to them ever again and as I have had control over his cards/wages since jan he hasn't been able to.I am hoping he at some point can be trusted again but for now the finances are down to me.I still want the other debts repaid but I don't think mil/sil will.

I do love dh but he has made things so difficult.

OP posts:
bigfuckoffpie · 28/03/2013 22:34

ariane, I hope you're okay. You seem to be always trying to do the best out of a bad situation.

Is there anything more you could even consider? Like:

Moving - away from both families - you could both look for positions far away
Marriage counselling - although could see this might not work with childcare
Retraining - could you train to do something so you'd be the main earner?

Those particular suggestions might not be much use. But unless you make some sort of radical changes - and they will be hard - then you're always going to be stuck in the place you are now.

Original poster
ariane5 · 28/03/2013 22:50

I could never earn as much as dh does (and he doesn't even earn that much!). I havnt worked since I was 18 and training/working would mean looking for specialist and probably expensive childcare due to all 4 dcs being unwell.I can't see how it could work.

Moving could be an option but would be difficult due to dh working for his brother and being v commited to that, not a bad thing but still a family tie I could do without (yes BIL owes us too-£200).

Counselling may work, I would certainly try it.

I have made moves this last week to really distance myself from toxic members of my family and I want dh to do same with his.

Finances are a big issue-I am still having to control every penny and DH needs to learn he can never lend to family again.

Don't know what to do about MIL she's a massive thorn in my side.Can't stand her she causes majority of the problems.

OP posts:
Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 29/03/2013 01:06

It all sounds way too exhausting. I'm amazed you aren't unwell you must get run down?

toffeelolly · 29/03/2013 01:58

Do feel for you your dh needs to grow a pair ,sounds like he thinks more of his mother and sis than he does of you, it's up to him to get that money back .

Original poster
ariane5 · 29/03/2013 08:05

Iam exhausted and permanently run down.A lot of it is due to the demands of caring for dcs but being unhappy doesn't help much either.

Since end of dec I've had 4 courses of antibiotics and never get over one thing before I get something else.I'm just so busy/dont rest/dont eat well and am always stressed but I have no choice but to keep going.

I just keep hoping it all improves at some point. I have distanced myself from my family a bit this week (have issues with them but can't go into it all here) and although I feel guilty about it I know its meant I've not had to do even more than usual.

OP posts:
Sparkeleigh · 29/03/2013 13:39

Just a thought ariane5 - it's really your husband who has put your family in this position so could you make a list of some of his belongings with their values and say something like "ok, so you won't ask for the money back, but it's not fair that your children are suffering for it so this is what we can sell to make up for the debts?"

It doesn't sound like he's feeling the impact of his actions, just you and the children are.

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 29/03/2013 13:47

I thought as much Sad Have you offloaded onto your GP? It's not right you don't get much help apart from dh.

Original poster
ariane5 · 29/03/2013 15:08

Yes I saw gp recently they always offer me annti depressants or cbt.

Cbt just another appt that I'm too tired to go to/cant arrange childcare for and I m not sure anti d would work-they won't change the underlying problems.

I have for last couple weeks had a lady from home start come round one morning a week and it has been a godsend, she sits and plays with dd2, she makes me a cup of tea and its so nice to have somebody else there for a couple of hours, I have been able to sit and feed the baby knowing dd2 is occupied and it has been a bit of a break if you see hwhat I mean.I am still knackered but it helps.

I have distanced myself recently from issues with my family as it was all too much for me trying to help them too.

The problem left is dh/mil/sil/money. Not sure what to do about that.

OP posts:
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