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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to want to get paid to be a surrogate?

209 replies

Geanie · 26/03/2013 18:03

I have already been a surrogate once, I didn't get paid a penny, not even for any expenses. The parents of the baby didn't pay anything towards the pregnancy, which I was fine with at the time as I had a good job and I didn't feel that I needed any reimbursements.

I have been contacted by quite a few people asking if I am planning on doing another surrogacy soon as they are looking for a surrogate.
I do straight surrogacy and there aren't that many of us in the UK so there are always a lot of people out there looking for a straight surrogate.

I definitely want to be a surrogate again, however, since my last surrogacy I was made redundant and am now self employed doing whatever I can to earn and get by, and to be honest I am really struggling.

I use quite a few surrogacy forums online and have noticed quite a lot of UK surrogates are now asking for a specific amount of 'payment' for their part as a surrogate.

I know that it is not allowed to be paid for surrogacy in the uk, but a surrogate is allowed to be paid 'Reasonable expenses' and they are pretty easy going when it comes to what those reasonable expenses are for as long as it is under a certain amount, usually around £15,000.

When we went through all the legal stuff after my last surrogacy I was told that they don't usually even question or check up on anything under £10k, as that is considered the standard amount.

I have thought about it quite a lot and I don't see why I shouldn't be able to benefit from this, I mean realistically I am going to be giving the parents a child, and pregnancy is hard. I don't see why, as long as I am upfront about it, I cant ask for a certain amount towards my 'expenses' during the surrogacy.

I'm not looking to make a profit or buy fancy gadgets or go on holiday. I would just use the money to help pay my rent and bills during the pregnancy.

So would I be unreasonable to do this?

(I have NC for this BTW. Pom bears, the MN scarf, bum sex at centre parks on a friday, and so on.)

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 26/03/2013 18:07

There's nothing wrong with being paid 'expenses' - as long as it is actual expenses. I think £10-15K exceeds that tbh. Surrogacy should primarily be about giving a gift.

I think there's a lot wrong with thinking 'hmm I'm struggling to get by, I know time for another payday surrogacy'

Do you see what I mean? It's your motivation that matters. From your OP it seems to be mostly financial and I find that off putting.

Dannilion · 26/03/2013 18:08

I personally don't see the problem in wanting help with your food/bills etc whilst carrying someone else's child. However, I suppose the law is there to protect vulnerable women from being exploited.

Dannilion · 26/03/2013 18:08

And desperate couples from being exploited too obviously.

Poppet48 · 26/03/2013 18:09

YANBU, Of course you should expect some sort of payment, I thought that that was a standard thing anyway.

Hats of to you OP, You are doing an amazing thing and I'm sure that the couple that you give the child to would happily pay £15,000.

flowery · 26/03/2013 18:10

Will you incur £10k of expenses over and above your normal living costs by doing this?

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 26/03/2013 18:10

I would find something else to do with my time if I was you.

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/03/2013 18:15

There should be nothing wrong with reasonable expenses stuff like clothing travel food costs or if there are times you are unable to work due to appointments pregnancy related illness or illnesses that are worse because of a pregnancy and labor as well as recovery after.

I don't think there should be an expectation that you should have to be extremely careful with these expenses getting the cheap of the cheap ect as long as your upfront and don't take the piss.

Original poster
Geanie · 26/03/2013 18:16

I am not at all looking at it as a way to get a quick 'payday'
It is hardly an easy way to make a quick £

I want to do another surrogacy no matter what, I had an amazing time on my last one and the joy of giving someone the gift of a child is amazing.

But I see a lot of women advertising themselves as surrogates what a ££ price attached, and since I feel I am doing it for entirely the right reasons I don't see why I shouldn't also have a financial benefit for the job that I am doing.

I wouldn't ask for anything like £15,000 though, that is a little too much.

OP posts:
flowery · 26/03/2013 18:18

" I would just use the money to help pay my rent and bills during the pregnancy."

That bit is the problem. Genuine expenses like maternity wear and time off work fine, but doing it to pay the rent and bills means you are doing it for profit.

flowery · 26/03/2013 18:18

X posts

jumpingjackhash · 26/03/2013 18:23

Out of interest, what would you charge?

SatsukiKusukabe · 26/03/2013 18:25

a 10 month 24 hour a day job where you make 15 grand isn't exactly a quick pay day. if the parents divorce one would pay child support to the parent who who use it towards rent and food too. if I had a pregnant woman, pg with my child, I'd certainly want to make sure she was healthy and not stressed at all. I think yanbu. and I think I'd much prefer a woman in the UK make a financial decision than some poor woman in India coerced

Locketjuice · 26/03/2013 18:28

What's 'straight surrogate'

But I don't see why you shouldn't be paid.. At the end of the day you are doing a 'service' if you can call it that for someone, it just happens to be the most amazing thing ever Smile

montage · 26/03/2013 18:30

What is a "straight surrogate" OP?

leeloo1 · 26/03/2013 18:31

Tbh I'd think 10-15k is reasonable. If you compare it to IVF/ICSI then you'd be paying similar amounts and (I'd guess?) this has a more guaranteed outcome for the parents.

I'm in awe of anyone who'd be willing to give such an amazing gift to someone, so hats off to you.

rocketupbum · 26/03/2013 18:33

I am interested in how people feel about this. I am in the very early stages of pregnancy as a host surrogate. I have been offered an amount of money to cover my loss of earnings/clothing/ex classes etc. initially I was a bit taken aback by the amount offered and was keen to lower it.
However as my DH pointed out pregnancy/giving birth has risks and I don't know how long I will be off work (and am self employed). He is keen to keep the money and total up our losses and then maybe offer the excess back or give it to charity. I feel reasonably comfortable with this but don't want to make a profit as such.

Having said all that (!) I can see where you are coming from OP. You are giving a gift and some of the money offered is a sort of insurance policy too. I don't know of my post has helped at all- sorry!

Branleuse · 26/03/2013 18:33

rent a womb?

yuck

CloudsAndTrees · 26/03/2013 18:34

I don't think £15000 is too much to ask for. If you are pregnant you are unlikely to be able to get employment, so there is nothing wrong with wanting to be able to pay your bills and living expenses.

YANBU

jumpingjackhash · 26/03/2013 18:36

I agree it's a wonderful thing to do - slightly less wonderful and 'gift-like' though if you're charging for more than expenses such as out-of-pockets (mat clothing, any pg-related items).

I'd also like to know what a 'straight surrogate' is?

Re. this being an alternative to pricey IVF/ICSI, if you're going to carry a transplanted embryo for someone who struggles to carry themselves (so the baby would still genetically be 'theirs'), any payment to you would still be on top of the IVF/ICSI costs.

jumpingjackhash · 26/03/2013 18:37

rocket, are you being a surrogate for someone you know well (sorry if too personal - just curious)?

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 26/03/2013 18:38

Agree with clouds, unlikely you would get a job whilst pregnant (terrible though that is). How else would you pay the bills?

whois · 26/03/2013 18:38

I get the reasons why payment to surrogates isn't allowed in the UK (exploration etc etc) but I still kinda think surrogates totally deserve some payment.

jumpingjackhash · 26/03/2013 18:39

Clouds, I guess that's correct if you're treating the surrogacy as a replacement 'job'?

Original poster
Geanie · 26/03/2013 18:39

A straight surrogacy is when the surrogate uses her own eggs.
Compared to a gestational surrogate who just carries the embryo of the parents.

In gestational surrogacy the parents have to pay for the IVF as their embryo has to be implanted into the surrogate.
With straight surrogacy because the surrogate is using her own eggs the parents can either pay a small charge to have the fathers sperm implanted into the surrogate in a clinic (an IUI) or they can just do a simple insemination at hope turkey baster style, which will cost the parents nothing.

I don't know how much I would ask for, probably a set amount each month, I could discuss it with the parents and see what they are happy with.
But Ideally enough for me to cover my living expenses without having to continue working the 6 part time jobs that I am doing at the moment.

OP posts:
SneezingwakestheJesus · 26/03/2013 18:41

But I see a lot of women advertising themselves as surrogates what a ££ price attached, and since I feel I am doing it for entirely the right reasons I don't see why I shouldn't also have a financial benefit for the job that I am doing.

Isn't asking for money and benefiting financially just the same as have a price tag attached? Doesn't that take it out of being for entirely the right reasons and plopping you into the category of women you don't agree with?