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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm raging at the selfishness of it..

500 replies

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 25/03/2013 06:19

We have 3 dc.. 5,3 and 5 months. Sleep is really really scare at the moment. Dc3 still feeds at least twice through the night and dc1 and 2 have both had endless colds/illnesses.. I am sahm, dh owes and runs own business.

I'm so angry right now. We went to bed early as wrecked from night before, dc1 woke with tonsillitis when we were going to bed, crying when swallowing etc. finally settled them at about 10.30 and went to sleep. Dc3 was up at 11.30, 2, 4.30 and 5. Dc2 woke once as fell out of bed. Dc1 woke once and got up when I was feeding dc3 at 5.

She was burning with fever, crying, miserable poor thing. Gave her calpol and water and put her into our bed. At 6 I woke dh to ask him to get up with her as I had hardly slept.. He outright refused Shock. Said he felt rough and couldn't afford to be sick (referring to work) and didn't care if it made him a prick he was going back to sleep. HmmHmm

I'm downstairs with her now. I'm stunned. I feel like I never ever get put anywhere near his list, never mind the top of it. This is the latest in a long line of my needs not counting. Am raging! AIBU? What do I do now

OP posts:
givemeaclue · 25/03/2013 08:47

Practical suggestions, can you go to your parents of his for a few days and get some hands on help or sing an agency and get a mothers help for a few days to share the care/cover so you can have a nap.

Also don't have any more kids, sounds like current set up is challenging enough.

INeedThatForkOff · 25/03/2013 08:48

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ChompieMum · 25/03/2013 08:49

Good grief! This man is pathetic. I am the main breadwinner in our house and do 12 hour days every day (at least) in an extremely high pressure job. I have 3 Dc under 5, do all the night feeds (bf) and deal with nearly all illnesses at night (we have a lot) as kids mostly want me. Sometimes i go to work on only 3 or 4 hours sleep. If I can do that and still succeed at my job your Dh can get his arse out of bed an hour early to help you when you are exhausted. In return my Dh does all cooking and washing and all early mornings. We are a team. Working is not an excuse to do sod all. In my experience it is often far harder being a SAHM.

idshagphilspencer · 25/03/2013 08:51

OP YANBU
The one good thing about threads like this is that it reminds me who the sensible posters are and who are the twats numpties.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 25/03/2013 08:52

I only have one 3yo and I'm lucky if I get to nap during the day. I've managed it twice, 45 minutes on the sofa each time, because I was (still am) pregnant and had a nasty cold. If I'd had 2 it wouldn't have happened, let alone adding in a baby too! I think everyone saying that the OP should just nap, need to be more realistic!

OP YANBU in the slightest!! I'm Angry on your behalf. Both you and your DH are working hard doing long hours, why the hell does his need for sleep trump yours? He can't afford to be sick? Then he can't afford for you to be sick either. I also doubt he wants you to be so sleep deprived that you unwittingly do something that ends up dangering the children.

My DH used to be a lazy git when it came to sharing the housework, but he never expected me to do all the childcare, and always made sure I got at least 1 night a week of proper sleep.

You need to talk to him about it when you're both awake. I also agree strongly with bohemian's suggestion, very good way to approach it.

I really hope you're ok OP.

idshagphilspencer · 25/03/2013 08:52

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ChompieMum · 25/03/2013 08:56

And those people who suggest a cat nap with three small Dc's one of whom is a baby and one of whom is ill either have less than 3 Dc, have forgotten what it's like or I would like to swap children with them (I speak from having spent yesterday with a croup ridden Dc, clearing up vomit every hour or so)

zzzzz · 25/03/2013 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JassyRadlett · 25/03/2013 09:02

So, posters are allowed opinions on the OP but others aren't allowed opinions on whether their posts are out of order? Interesting.

I've got a high-pressure, long hours (lots at home after bedtime) job. So does my DH. Who's supposed to get up with DS in the night if neither of us can be expected to function effectively in the workplace after broken sleep?

Honestly? I had an urgent work trip recently that took me out of the country for a few days. DS was ill so DH had to stay home to look after him. I was working until midnight and up at six on my trip and flat out the whole time, plus I wasn't well. I am, however, very bloody clear that I had the easier time, and I did all the night wakings for a few days so DH could catch up on sleep.

OP, YANBU. Ignore all the 'you should be grateful for anyone who puts a roof over your head and do whatever he desires' bollocks.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2013 09:03

Hahahaha at 'able to nap during the day'.

And of course, the 3 year old should just put themselves to bed! That's what 3 year olds do.....

And of course, it's completely unimaginable for a sick 6 year old to get out of bed seeking comfort from her parents because she's ill and feverish.... Hmm

Oh my.

BigRedBox · 25/03/2013 09:04

Ah that sounds rubbish. I have 3 under 6 and I'm very lucky that now the eldest two are both at school. My DH works away quite a lot and is luckily quite flexible in his working hours.

If he gets a bit selfish (which luckily he rarely does) I remind him that a night in a hotel where you are guaranteed a full nights sleep is a regular occurance for him and a distant fantasy for me. He needs his sleep so that reminds him to help out a bit more.

I have often considered booking a night in a travelodge just to have some physical and mental space. No one clambering all over me or demanding snacks/drinks every 12 seconds etc etc. maybe do this op? One Sat night, your DH will just have to get on with it.

Mapal · 25/03/2013 09:06

Napping in the day! Utter nonsense! I can't do that with one 3 year old, he always wants a drink/snack/poo/story/play a game etc. Your life is that of fetcher and carrier when you are a parent,for a few years at least.
Reminds me of when my mum suggested I take DS to work with me to save on child care fees. And what would I do with him? I asked. Give him some toys to play with, he'll be fine she said. Hahaha and this is a woman who had 3 children!! How quickly people forget what its like. Can only assume the have a nap comments are from childless people, or people who no longer have young kids.

Sallystyle · 25/03/2013 09:06

Wow.. this thread is strange!! Nap during the day? teach your child to be more independent. I guess some people like looking for a fight?

YANBU OP. My ex husband worked long hours and he managed to get up an hour earlier to help me out. You should be working as a team.

I really feel for you, sleep deprivation is no fun.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 25/03/2013 09:10

The way I see it: if you can spend half an hour on here wailing about the injustices of life, you could have productively used that time sleeping.

Bullfuckingshit! It's possible to supervise young children whilst mumsnetting. It isn't possible to supervise them whilst sleeping Hmm

stressyBessy22 · 25/03/2013 09:10

I have 5 DC and yes, when desperate times call for desperate measures I can set up a child proof room with CBeebies. Sippy cups and toys and doze while they get on with it.

openerofjars · 25/03/2013 09:11

I've got two DC and they have both had a daytime nap at the same time exactly once.

Your husband is a twat of the first water but luckily he won't feel lonely because he's got some great company on this thread.

idshagphilspencer · 25/03/2013 09:12

Yeh course you have stress....

rainrainandmorerain · 25/03/2013 09:15

In the short term, OP needs to do whatever she can to get some sleep asap - friends, babysitter if she can pay - anything. Both to get a couple of hours as a matter of urgency and then try and schedule something else in. Even an evening where she only had to look after a 5 month old and not the others would help.

Long term - I don't know. Sleep deprivation leaves you in such a desperate place. I'd be feeling a lot of pressure with care of 3 dcs that age - if I was working 7 days a week, daytime and evening as the sole breadwinner, I'd be feeling a lot of pressure, esp if I was ill (and presumably, with those hours, he's really not doing much hands on parenting/childcare anyway, is he? Even if he is paying for everything).

As an aside - this sort of thing is one reason why I would be terrified of ending up in a situation where there was a huge earning inequity between me and DP. Both parties seem to end up thinking they are doing the hardest job, and resenting the other for not helping them.

stressyBessy22 · 25/03/2013 09:16

Hahahaha at 'able to nap during the day'. yes of course you can.i had sole care of my brood when I was recovering from pneumonia and could literally do no more than lie on the sofa

And of course, the 3 year old should just put themselves to bed! That's what 3 year olds do.....mine do

And of course, it's completely unimaginable for a sick 6 year old to get out of bed seeking comfort from her parents because she's ill and feverish.... hmm
she was in the parents bed!! she was dosed up on calpol and had a drink.What earthly reason was there to get up with her?

lashingsofbingeinghere · 25/03/2013 09:17

I second the idea of a mother's help/babysitter. A couple of mornings a week could make all the difference to your sanity OP.

stressyBessy22 · 25/03/2013 09:17

idshagphilspencer you are doubting that I know how many children I have. OOOkaaay Hmm

idshagphilspencer · 25/03/2013 09:17

Oh stressy you are such an amazing parent...

Sirzy · 25/03/2013 09:18

Perhaps she wasn't happy in the parents bed? Perhaps a child with a fever lying between two adults in a bed wasn't doing her much good?

This "I do it so everyone else should" attitude doesn't help the OP in the slightest

everlong · 25/03/2013 09:23

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idshagphilspencer · 25/03/2013 09:23

Well said everlong

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