I'm raging at the selfishness of it..

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

We have 3 dc.. 5,3 and 5 months. Sleep is really really scare at the moment. Dc3 still feeds at least twice through the night and dc1 and 2 have both had endless colds/illnesses.. I am sahm, dh owes and runs own business.

I'm so angry right now. We went to bed early as wrecked from night before, dc1 woke with tonsillitis when we were going to bed, crying when swallowing etc. finally settled them at about 10.30 and went to sleep. Dc3 was up at 11.30, 2, 4.30 and 5. Dc2 woke once as fell out of bed. Dc1 woke once and got up when I was feeding dc3 at 5.

She was burning with fever, crying, miserable poor thing. Gave her calpol and water and put her into our bed. At 6 I woke dh to ask him to get up with her as I had hardly slept.. He outright refused . Said he felt rough and couldn't afford to be sick (referring to work) and didn't care if it made him a prick he was going back to sleep.

I'm downstairs with her now. I'm stunned. I feel like I never ever get put anywhere near his list, never mind the top of it. This is the latest in a long line of my needs not counting. Am raging! AIBU? What do I do now

[MrsTerryPratchett]

YANBU OP.

I want to repeat that...

YANBU OP.

My DH handles multi-million contracts and horror gets up at 6am every day. He used to get up with DD at 4am when I'd been up all night with her so I could get a couple of hours. He just went to bed earlier so he got enough sleep to work.

Some people are just selfish twunts.

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

He really does need to be there to be fair..my mum is coming as I knew I'd really struggle with no school or pre-school and dh not here to break up the evenings and help with bath time / bedtime etc..

Sincere thanks to all the posters offering good advice, I will re-read this when feeling a bit stronger. Think a rota is a great starting point.

[ChestyLeRoux]

I would personally catnip. Ive done it 100s of times with both mine here.Agree with whoever said put the dvd on.

[ChestyLeRoux]

Catnap sorry!

[LibertineLover]

Oh fish it never rains eh? having 2x pukey pooey kids here right now, I know how exhausting that is, without a baby to boot.

Glad he admitted being a dick, just hope he does something about it, will he be home this aft for you to catch some sleep?

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

I hope for his sake he doesn't attempt to go to his tennis game tonight

[DreamingOfTheMaldives]

Bloody hell Fish, so do I.

[LibertineLover]

where's his tennis stuff?

[ChestyLeRoux]

Still havent read all the thread but what isnthe outrage at having a catnap. It will make you feel better, and then you will have more energy. Only has to be short but makes all the difference. I do it as Im working and have the children, and if I didnt I would collapse from exhaustation, but a little doze on the sofa sorts me out and Im ready to go again. I wouldnt feel guilty about it much better than feeling stressed or tired.

[ubik]

I think some people just need to be told. You say to him, 'I am exhausted, no tennis tonight, you are to come home and help me with the children.'

They are his children too.

[ubik]

chesty - you CANT catnap with 3 small children, it just doesn't happen. Someone always pukes, shits themselves, is thirsty/hungry/bored.

[LibertineLover]

RTFT, she has a 5 month old, a 3 and 5 year old both of which are now ill, when oh when, for the love of all that is holy, is she supposed to nap??

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

Ubik you are right. He keeps telling me that he doesn't think / see the dirt / whatever and thatI just need to tell him what I need/want etc. I don't want to tell him not to go to tennis though, I want him to want to stay home and help.. I need to get over that don't I?

[Sirzy]

Perhaps instead of having to tell him you could have a whiteboard
Where you both write jobs which need doing then when either of you has a spare 10 minutes you can cross something off? May help him see just how much you do too.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

I think fish that tonight you may have to be very clear about what you need.
There is nothing wrong in saying to him, look, I've had hardly any sleep, the DCs are poorly, xyz needs to be done so I need you to cancel tennis and bath the DCs/do bedtime/cook dinner/tidy up while I have a rest because today has been very difficult.

I do honestly think that sometimes you really have to be very specific about what you need, not because men are stupid and don't understand that the washing up needs doing or the kids need putting to bed, but because sometimes people know what needs to be done, but choose not to see it, as long as you aren't asking.

My friends DH always says to her "I would do it but you never ask. You just seem to cope"
Yes, you shouldn't have to ask. You think because if the roles were reversed you would do the decent thing.

Some people, not just men, people in general are a bit selfish. And if they can get away with a nice game of tennis rather than poorly DCs and cooking dinner, they will try it.

You are just as entitled to ask for what you need. And you need him at home tonight.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Yes, Tantrums makes a very good point: people like your H will often ignore what needs doing unless it's spelled out to them, because they don't want to do it but, if you haven't asked, they can pretend to be innocent of selfishness and laziness - 'Oh, I thought it was all in hand doing the shitwork is what YOU are for'.
If he refuses a direct request to do his share then you will have proof that he is lazy and selfish and considers you his servant. And isn't bothered about making that clear to you because you fulfilling your servant role obediently is more important to him than you realising that he considers you his inferior and that he isn't one of the good guys.

[VitoCorleone]

I know what you mean OP, you feel like you shouldnt have to ask, and you shouldnt, especially after this morning.

He should cancel tennis tonight and look after the kids while you get an early night.

My DP can be a selfish prat at times, but if i was ill or extremely tired he would tell me to get myself to bed, no matter what time of day it was, he has done plenty of times.

Agree you need a rota, my DP works shifts and when DS2 was a baby the deal was when he worked mornings (6am-2pm) i would get up through the night, he would feed baby before he went to work at 5:30, then i would get up about 8am.

Then when he was on backshift (2-10pm) he would do the nightfeeds and id get up in the morning and he could stay in bed.

Worked great for us.

What time do the kids usually get up? Could he feed baby before he goes to work and put him/her back in bed? Or stay up later to feed baby at night so you can get a good early night?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Fish
How often does he go to tennis?
How often do you go and pursue a hobby/do sport/have an hour or two off?

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

He has tennis Monday I do yoga Tuesday.. It's not all one sided, I wouldn't let it and to be honest he wouldn't want it to be. He is super in lots of ways just intrinsically more selfish and life is just a bit hard at the moment.

[JustinBsMum]

I always let DH sleep as he 'had a very demanding job' and did the nights myself. 30 odd years on I am still bearing a big grudge, but mostly annoyed with myself for letting it go. But it's difficult to fix this at 3am and difficult to sleep even if they 'help' if you had to get angry to make them do it.

Your DCs will grow and soon the worsts of these nights will be behind you. But imo you must explain explicitly what you want, not 'when I'm really tired you have to help' but 'on Sunday mornings I will leave everything ready and you must ge up at 6 and see to all the DCs until 10 as I want lie in. Do not let them upstairs, keep the door closed so I can't hear them etc' . or whatever it is that you most want from this.

You need a break and he needs to see how hard it is.

[dreamingbohemian]

You shouldn't have to ask, but in this case things are really bad today and I think you should be explicit and tell him you really need him at home.

[ChestyLeRoux]

I napped quite frequently with my 2. Most of my friends do the same with their children never thought this was strange tbh.

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

Fish - for what it's worth, I'm exactly the same. I hate telling DP what I want, I'd much rather that he just knew, and did it. It means so much more that way.

But, it does work better if you tell him. And eventually, he'll get into the habit of doing it without you needing to ask. So, in this case, when he asked how your day was and you say terrible, he'd automatically not go to tennis.

Give it a try. Tell him you need support tonight, and then give him something helpful to do. He'll do it. He'd have to be a right twat to complain, or sulk...let's give him more credit than that, and he might be able to partially redeem himself.

I hope he does. Selfishness is tough, but treat it like you would in one of your DCs - expect that his instinct will be to behave selfishly, and instruct him otherwise. A few jabs in the right direction never go amiss.

I hope your DCs get better soon, and you get more sleep tonight.

[OhChristHasRisenFENTON]

Chesty it's not strange it's just un-do-able at the moment for OP, she has a 5month old, a toddler with the squits and a 5 year old with tonsilitis.

Poor love.