Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm raging at the selfishness of it..

500 replies

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 25/03/2013 06:19

We have 3 dc.. 5,3 and 5 months. Sleep is really really scare at the moment. Dc3 still feeds at least twice through the night and dc1 and 2 have both had endless colds/illnesses.. I am sahm, dh owes and runs own business.

I'm so angry right now. We went to bed early as wrecked from night before, dc1 woke with tonsillitis when we were going to bed, crying when swallowing etc. finally settled them at about 10.30 and went to sleep. Dc3 was up at 11.30, 2, 4.30 and 5. Dc2 woke once as fell out of bed. Dc1 woke once and got up when I was feeding dc3 at 5.

She was burning with fever, crying, miserable poor thing. Gave her calpol and water and put her into our bed. At 6 I woke dh to ask him to get up with her as I had hardly slept.. He outright refused Shock. Said he felt rough and couldn't afford to be sick (referring to work) and didn't care if it made him a prick he was going back to sleep. HmmHmm

I'm downstairs with her now. I'm stunned. I feel like I never ever get put anywhere near his list, never mind the top of it. This is the latest in a long line of my needs not counting. Am raging! AIBU? What do I do now

OP posts:
stressyBessy22 · 25/03/2013 11:58

'So, did you have pneumonia the time you found your two-year-old trying to fry chips'

no I was putting washing away.

Viviennemary · 25/03/2013 11:58

I am with your DH here. He is responsible at this difficult time for the financial running of the house and you are responsible for the rest. I don't agree with not providing meals. It's nothing to do with gender. It's role reversal. If there is no money coming in you'd have a lot more to worry about than who does the most.

Sirzy · 25/03/2013 11:59

Surely your 2 year old should have been putting it away? I mean how will he learn otherwise?

TheOrchardKeeper · 25/03/2013 12:01

It's not a competition Vivienne...It's parenting. There's a difference. It is 2013, despite what some blokes and a shocking amount of women seem to think.

TheBigJessie · 25/03/2013 12:02

Brilliant excuse. Happens to us all, when we're putting the washing away. Hmm

WireCatWhore · 25/03/2013 12:05

I'm coming back to report that 3 year old toddler didn't make 3 course meal at nursery. He made a bird feeder. This involved melting fat. and getting car greasy bringing it home

YouTheCat · 25/03/2013 12:06

Oh ffs all the OP wanted was an hour. It's not like she was expecting a morning in bed with breakfast and a luxurious bath. Just an hour.

And yes 3 is still a toddler. And letting a 3 year old meander about a kitchen unsupervised, making sandwiches is very bad. Plus Stressy, do you really think the OP's husband sounds like the sort to muck in and clean up after a toddler or maybe the 6 year old should be doing the cleaning? Hmm

Yfronts · 25/03/2013 12:06

OMG you look after the kids 7 days a week, day and night on your own without a break. To top it all the kids are poorly and you are totally sleep deprived. You have my complete sympathy. Your DH is a very selfish man and living life as a single person. He doesn't even have to wash his clothes, cook or clean as a single person would though! Parenting should be a team thing, he is their father after all.

Can you sit down and write/talk this through with him. He needs to know how you feel and what he must to to help. Talk to you Health visitor about postnatal depression and say you are receiving no support at all and are on your knees. I really relate, in fact it drove me to tears daily and CBT at one point. My youngest is 2.5 now and things are much better but it took sleep and support.

My DH works a 13 hour day starting at 6am and then works more at weekends. He still did the the Friday and Saturday night wakes every weekend. He still manages to read a story to the kids each night and then do the recycling/empty the bins/loading the dishwasher. We each have one lay in each at the weekends. Every day I have an hour and a half when I can just do what ever I need to do (exercise class, walk on my own, pop to a friends on my own). DH will take the kids swimming during this hour and a half at weekends.

If he refuses to help, he needs to provide someone who can in the form of an aupair, cleaner, babysitter. He should help though.

Is it worth going to stay with your Mum/sister/friend even though they might be a long way away? Could you stay away for weeks? Till you feel a little stronger at least. I know the packing/traveling could be too much though.

Or ask him not to come home. If he isn't participating in family life and supporting you, he is opting out anyway.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/03/2013 12:08

Stressy, in my job we once had a three year old come in having cut themselves on a knife unsupervised in the kitchen. We had to call social services.

Im not sure why you think accidents can't happen. You can't compare children with adults. Children are unaware of danger and inquisitive. Teaching them about danger is well and good, but it's not the same as letting them get on with it unsupervised. And having pneumonia would have been no excuse.

I await your kids in a&e.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/03/2013 12:09

OP
I would go with what ubik posted above. He has to allow you a chance to catch up on your sleep so I would insist on a lie in this weekend.

Today I would park the kids in front of the TV as much as you can because you are probably shattered. Don't fuss about healthy food or similar, a day eating toast or cereal never harmed anyone.

Get a takeaway or cook a frozen pizza or similar tonight then go to bed at the same time as the children. Leave your DH to fend for himself or eat leftovers or whatever. Tell him that he is on duty this evening so if any of the children wake before he goes to bed it is his problem and you don't want to be disturbed.

Viviennemary · 25/03/2013 12:09

When I went back to work our DD was quite a difficult sleeper. DH did his fair share of night duty but I was totally exhausted all the time. And if one person wasn't working I'd expect that person to do the night shift. I think that's fair.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/03/2013 12:10

Ps. I have a friend who work in a burns unit. The majority of patients are children with an accidental injury as they weren't supervised.

ScrambledSmegs · 25/03/2013 12:10

3yo baked a cupcake at nursery. We were so proud.

What they didn't tell us is that they'd also been playing with sand and paint at the same time, and it was riddled with the stuff. Poor DH took a bite and had to finish his mouthful and pretend to like it. Wish I'd taken photos.

ubik · 25/03/2013 12:10

Vivienne - The pressure when you are breadwinner can be all consuming, but I think it's a bit too easy a response when it comes to helping out with 3 small children, which the breadwinner did decide to have.

Op is providing an economic service - caring for their children and saving them both a hell of a lot of money in childcare. That does not mean that she is then required to work caring for his children 24/7 because 'he is the breadwinner.'

NoelHeadbands · 25/03/2013 12:10

I kind of get where Stressy is coming from.

At the age of 5, my DD replaced all of our fascias and soffits.

ScrambledSmegs · 25/03/2013 12:11

And that's what they do when supervised. Imagine what horrors would occur, both to the food and to them, if unsupervised..

YouTheCat · 25/03/2013 12:11

How is looking after 3 kids 'not working'?

ubik · 25/03/2013 12:12

" if one person wasn't working I'd expect that person to do the night shift. I think that's fair"

she is working. No it is not fair for a person to endure endless broken nights and all that involved caring for 3 small DC. That is slavery, not a relationship. 'Work' is not some sort of trump card.

TheOrchardKeeper · 25/03/2013 12:13

That's the attitude that I can't believe people still have!

She is working.

But no, I'm sure she's just suffering from sleep deprivation & exhaustion because she's having an easier time Hmm

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs · 25/03/2013 12:13

Op wasnt askimg him to do the night shift. She had done that. She wanted him to get up with the kids at 6am so she could then get an hours sleep. He had already slept all night!! So yes he should have got up and let her have one measly hour of sleep before he wrnt to work.

JuliaScurr · 25/03/2013 12:17

look up and calculate how much it would cost to employ 24hr childcare, housekeeper etc. Bet Mr Breadwinner couldn't afford it.

gotthemoononastick · 25/03/2013 12:22

what Vivienne says....hell of a lot more to be worried about if his job goes to pot.Been there done that for 40 plus years and if I had bleated about equal input with child care I would have been on the relationship boards writing:'shocked,husband has buzzed off'.Men do not think like us,even if they pretend to be 'feminists'.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 25/03/2013 12:23

Noel - replaced with what? Grin

YouTheCat · 25/03/2013 12:24

How is wanting an hour of sleep expecting equal input.

Read the OP at least.

TheOrchardKeeper · 25/03/2013 12:24

Sorry you've not met a man who's prepared to share the care got Hmm

Plenty of women on here have already said their DH's help out.

I'm personally much happier doing it solo than I would be if I was with someone who'd decided to have kids with me but couldn't face the realities of it.