To be upset about what this mum was like with my DD

[housefullofnoisykids]

On Friday night DD (9) went out to tea with a friend and then to a sleepover at the friend's house. 2 other friends were invited so there were 4 children there in total including DD.

When I picked DD up yesterday morning she burst into tears as soon as we got into the car and said that the following had happened:

When they went out for tea DD there were the 4 kids and then 4 adults; the child's mum and dad and 2 friends of the mum. The mum made DD sit at a table with the 3 other adults and the mum sat at the table with the 3 other children. the mum's reasoning was that her DD wanted to sit with her mum. DD was upset as she didn't know the other adults at the table and obviously she felt left out.

They went back to the house for the sleepover. The birthday child and another girl that was there had it in for DD and spent the whole evening being horrible to her; making fun of the present she had given the girl (clothes) and saying it was horrible, making fun of DD's clothes and DD's pyjamas, and just saying mean things all evening. DD tried several times to tell the girls' mum what was going on and each time the girl's mum told her not to tell tales and to go and get on with everyone. She also said that the mum gave the birthday girl a pack of biscuits for them all to share but the birthday girl refused to let DD have any and the mum just said 'It's X's birthday, it's her choice' so DD didn't get any.

Another time the birthday girl went and told her mum DD had been horrible to her,and the mum went steaming into the bedroom and shouted at DD. DD said she hadn't and that it was the birthday girl and the mum said her daughter would never do that and that she is a lovely girl and DD needs to learn to get on with others.

DD then asked her to phone me as she wanted to go home, and DD said she was in tears at this point (DD says it was around 9pm) and the mum refused to phone me and just walked out of the room.

Then first thing in the morning DD says she woke up and all the other 3 were talking about her, saying they hate her now and that they won't speak to her at school. She again tried to tell the mum and the mum told her again to stop telling tales.

The mum didn't say a word to me about it at pick up and said they'd all had a lovely time and been good. DD normally gets on with everyone, has never had any problems at school with other children and is a lovely girl. Not perfect, as no child is, but certainly not deserving of this treatment. The mum has always seemed nice enough when we've met up with the girls and I've known her several years. Her DD is reasonably spoilt and is the centre of her mum's world. I really don't know where to go from here. Obviously any future playdate or party invitations will be declined, as will any invites from the mum for coffee. I feel if I say something it will cause trouble. I'm so upset though, that my DD was so upset staying at someone else's house and the mum wouldn't even phone me so I could collect her.

I think that you need to keep a very close eye on things at school, and at the first whiff of trouble, tell the teacher, and take it to the head if necessary about bullying.

Like MrsLouisTheroux and Chiggers say - I might want to ask the mother about your DD wanting her to phone you. Ask in a non-confrontational way. Her reaction to that will tell you a bit.

I would be raging, the behaviour of the mum was appealing, firstly seating your dd away from the other children, than telling her not to tell tales, and siding with the others, and then the worse bit, denying your dd access to a telephone. I would cut this friendship dead, and like other poster has said alert the school to possible bullying behaviour, as this sounds very much like bullying.

Your last post is a bit . Why would you see it as a public falling out with the other mum??

Your dd was made to feel like shit at a party, and you think bringing it to the mum's attention may impact on your dd's play dates and future party invites?
If the other mum is some sort of vicious playground nazi who will control how others react to your dd; I wonder why you allowed her to attend the party in the first place.

The fact that she would not phone you, if true (and it sounds true to me) is unforgivable, in itself, never mind the other stuff.

I completely agree that you should ask why your DD wasn't allowed to phone home.

You don't need to ask about anything else but you should ask about that.

It's totally unacceptable not to have allowed her to phone.

Are you scared of this woman OP?

Op have you asked Dd if she would like you to call? She might feel supported if you did but on the other hand she might be mortified.

Re. not phoning home, yes that is terrible if your Dd was begging and pleading to call but nite so bad if she just asked and was discouraged in a lets nite bother your mum it will be fine way IYSWIM. have seen kids at parties having a wobble and Saudi give it 5 minutes see how you feel. which could be interpreted as not letting them phone home but is really just giving them time.

That said it sounds like this 'friend' is spoilt horrid and best avoided.

I would let Dd know it is not her fault. they are bullies and take lead from her in what you do about it. 9 is old enough to have an opinion.

I'm stealing Worras suggestion of a PAYG phone in the night bag for sleepovers.

Minkembra, she doesn't want me to phone the other mum, because she says it might make the girls behave in a worse way to her at school.

I agree that you speaking to the mother now will not be a good idea. She is clearly so unpleasant that she may well encourage her DD to make trouble for your DD if you contact her.

You have done exactly the right thing in supporting your DD. Having a go at (or even a civil word with) this woman will achieve nothing.

I would leave it, Id be so tempted to speak to the mum but to be honest she will prabably go off on one, deny it etc etc.

Lifes too short.

what is important is to talk to your daughter about peoples behaviour etc and closley monitor how things are going at school, socially etc
many hugs, sounds a horrible ordeal

Exactly what Gymmummy said.

If nothing else I'd want this woman's version of events and ask her how on earth she can justify the table thing and then later the phone thing. Both those things really were terribly cruel.

playing devil's advocate here, but is it possible that the reason why the mum ignored your dd's request to phone you was because she said it at the point she was being told off, and the mum saw it as defiance rather than anything else iyswim?

I'm not saying that's what happened, but you can't just take the word of a nine year old and cut off friendships and invites when you only actually have half the story. You do need to seek some clarification on this. If the mum deliberately singled out your dd at dinner and your dd was genuinely upset and wanted to go home then the mum is out of order. But you do need to clarify this from the mum as well as your dd, and it doesn't need to be a public falling out - just seeking clarification on what really happened according to everyone.

houseful

I know you are worried about making it worse, but I think our children need us to see that we are not afraid of confronting bullying. If we don't we are enabling them to buy into the idea that we should just suck it up/avoid/manage our own behaviour.

I completely respect that you don't want to. At the very least, please do talk to the teacher.

I can see what your saying houseful.
There is a real bother happening at the school gates here.
I have no idea what has happened or which mother is at the middle of it all, but the nasty snippets that I have overheard before they realised I was behind them was shocking.
I wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of a few of them.

But then I also think that it would be worth the risk just to ask about the fact that she refused your DDs request, because that was just cruel
You don't need answers or even an apology but you need to show your DD that you didn't let it slide out of fear.

My DD was pushed over by a friend, way back when.
I chose to speak to the mother in passing who then said that she should just push back! I can't remember what my response to that was, probably something like, I encourage my DD not to push at all so that wouldn't happen.
My heart was in my throat, I was so frightened by it, and it seemed that she didn't even acknowledge it. But I just couldn't let it slide.
And, to me it was important to say it even if it didn't achieve anything.

I would do the same if this happened to my DD even if it was the top B&tch in the playground.
And talking to the school re future episodes, you should defo do that too, I think, good suggestion.

I think you should leave it there. This Mum's going to go on the defensive and the whole thing will escalate. Your dd is very wise, she knows these girls will use it as yet another reason to get at her. It's all very well to say the school can monitor bullying but bullying can be very subtle, far too subtle for busy teachers to spot.

I would say something but more of a 'DD says she had a bit of a wobble - it would have been fine to phone me'. I think you can probably get a fair insight from her reaction/the conversation that follows and at least you have said something but without confrontation or demanding an answer.

but...

This child hasn't had issues with being bullied before.

She is apparently a confident outgoing child who doesn't have issue getting on with others.

Apparently the other child has had issues with bullying in the past (according to the op).

Yet we must assume that the other child is the one in the wrong, that her previous allegations of bullying must be wrong too, and we have categorised this mother, and this nine year old child, as vile individuals who should be avoided? All on the say-so of a nine year old who doesn't want the op to seek clarification from the mother?

Don't get me wrong, if what the dd is saying is the absolute truth then I agree that it's horrible and I would encourage her to just find other children to play with.

But you can't know for certain what happened, especially the table incident and her wanting to go home without actually seeking clarification.

I know that the op is supporting her own dd, but it's IMO not on either to say in one breath that she believes her dd 100% (without speaking to the other mum), and in the next to cast doubt over the other mum's previous allegations that her own dd has been picked on. Either children should be believed 100% regardless or they shouldn't - which is it?

Nine year olds can be horrible, and talking about each other/being nasty is fairly commonplace, so telling them not to tell tales would probably have entered on to my radar as well. And perhaps if the other dd has been bullied in the past the mum became overprotective of her when she felt this was going on under her own roof. But you can't possibly know that without seeking absolute clarification. If you don't ask, you can't possibly know. And I might be inclined too think the dd's not wanting you to call the other mum to clarify could be suspicious if she's not being totally honest.

Worra's suggestion for a PAYG molbile is spot. DD is only 7 so no sleepovers yet, but am making a mental note to self on that one.

I know you don't want to rock the boat, but I'd have to mention it to the Mum. I'd have to ask if everything had been ok because DD hadn't been allowed to phone home. Then stay silent and, if I've read this situation correctly, you'd have given this woman enough rope to hang herself with. If she takes the bait and spills enough negative stuff, then you could come back with the response that she SHOULD have contacted you if things were 'that bad' so why didn't she? Your DD's behaviour couldn't have been that awful if they were able to 'tolerate' it all night so if anything, the opposite scenario is most likely.

Sounds a hideous night. Your poor girl. What on earth was this Mum thinking?

I would definitely be inclined to have a word with this mother. You can do it in such a non-agressive way that she won't necessarily become defensive.

I agree with wannabe tbh. There is always another persons viewpoint.

OP, even if your dd doesn't want you to, I would speak to the mum anyway. You don't have to be confrontational but ask for clarification as others have said. See what she says.

is spot on. Numpty.

You poor thing, I felt sick reading that, I want to cuddle you both. Fecking women. Some of em are just plain nasty.