To be upset about what this mum was like with my DD

[housefullofnoisykids]

On Friday night DD (9) went out to tea with a friend and then to a sleepover at the friend's house. 2 other friends were invited so there were 4 children there in total including DD.

When I picked DD up yesterday morning she burst into tears as soon as we got into the car and said that the following had happened:

When they went out for tea DD there were the 4 kids and then 4 adults; the child's mum and dad and 2 friends of the mum. The mum made DD sit at a table with the 3 other adults and the mum sat at the table with the 3 other children. the mum's reasoning was that her DD wanted to sit with her mum. DD was upset as she didn't know the other adults at the table and obviously she felt left out.

They went back to the house for the sleepover. The birthday child and another girl that was there had it in for DD and spent the whole evening being horrible to her; making fun of the present she had given the girl (clothes) and saying it was horrible, making fun of DD's clothes and DD's pyjamas, and just saying mean things all evening. DD tried several times to tell the girls' mum what was going on and each time the girl's mum told her not to tell tales and to go and get on with everyone. She also said that the mum gave the birthday girl a pack of biscuits for them all to share but the birthday girl refused to let DD have any and the mum just said 'It's X's birthday, it's her choice' so DD didn't get any.

Another time the birthday girl went and told her mum DD had been horrible to her,and the mum went steaming into the bedroom and shouted at DD. DD said she hadn't and that it was the birthday girl and the mum said her daughter would never do that and that she is a lovely girl and DD needs to learn to get on with others.

DD then asked her to phone me as she wanted to go home, and DD said she was in tears at this point (DD says it was around 9pm) and the mum refused to phone me and just walked out of the room.

Then first thing in the morning DD says she woke up and all the other 3 were talking about her, saying they hate her now and that they won't speak to her at school. She again tried to tell the mum and the mum told her again to stop telling tales.

The mum didn't say a word to me about it at pick up and said they'd all had a lovely time and been good. DD normally gets on with everyone, has never had any problems at school with other children and is a lovely girl. Not perfect, as no child is, but certainly not deserving of this treatment. The mum has always seemed nice enough when we've met up with the girls and I've known her several years. Her DD is reasonably spoilt and is the centre of her mum's world. I really don't know where to go from here. Obviously any future playdate or party invitations will be declined, as will any invites from the mum for coffee. I feel if I say something it will cause trouble. I'm so upset though, that my DD was so upset staying at someone else's house and the mum wouldn't even phone me so I could collect her.

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

Wow- I have a 9yo dd, and the thought of this happening to her is heart-breaking, so i feel for you OP, and can imagine how angry you must have been.

I do think you are doing the right thing not confronting the other mum, though- most inter-mum confrontations I have witnessed seem to turn into screeching harpies, no matter how civilised they start out!

I would second others that you let the school know, though. I had a similar issue with my younger dd, and told her just not to play with the girls who were making her life miserable. they then went to the teacher crying and dd got into trouble!! I had to let the teacher know exactly what was going on, and then she was very supportive, so although i didn't really want to run to the school "telling tales" in retrospect it would have been better if I had given them the heads-up, so dd could deal with it without getting into trouble!

[HollaAtMeBaby]

I think you've handled it well, OP. Cannot get over the woman refusing to let your upset child ring home! Are the mothers of the other girls who were at the sleepover aware of this? Did you mention it to the one who texted you? I can't believe anyone would let their child sleep over at a house where that might happen.

[Mopswerver]

Not sure I would raise it now but if you have a spare mobile I would pack it with her things if she stays over somewhere again. Show her how to call up your number then she can call if she wants to come home.

DD2 is v sensitive. Doesn't make friends easily and is often left out. It's more common than you think, especially at this age. I am currently reading this book and so far it is brilliant: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0316917303/ref=oh_details_o02_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

It gives social skills strategies that help your child make friends but does so in a very user friendly way. At the end of the day it is better if you can help them to resolve these things themselves without you wading in. Obviously some situations call for that but if done too often that can make things worse.

Reading this thread with interest.

[mrsjay]

tailtwister this woman will see there is nothing wrong in her behaviour she wont admit the girls were mean to the little girl and see no harm in letting a liite girl sit with people she doesn't know as long as her own dd was happy as it was her birthday and would defend the party to the bitter end, imo

[mrsjay]

your poor dd seems she had a horrible time what a shame , children can be really mean to each other I think she needs to stay away from sleep overs for a while just incase the teasing happens again, I think the dinner set up was weird and unfair I dont think there is anything you can do now though, just try and avoid your dd being alone with them for a while,

[Turniphead1]

Tailtwister - sadly I think you are wrong. People who act like this woman did genuinely think its ok and will turn aggressive when challenged. Or deep down know its wrong but will still get aggressive when challenged.

I agree with those who say walk away and tell your DD to avoid her. Nothing you do or say will change this woman or alter her behaviour.

[Tailtwister]

This woman would have to be an absolute fool not to realise her behaviour was completely unacceptable. I would be extremely surprised if she chose to challenge OP. She will be aware that at least one other mother is aware of her disgusting behaviour and no doubt the news will make the rounds throughout other parents too.

I think you're doing the right thing OP. Of course you would be well within your rights to confront this woman, but tbh I think your approach will be far more effective.

[pigletmania]

If After blanking and refusing playmates with this girl the mum confronts you, then you can tell her

[pigletmania]

I totally agree. Confrontation is not always a good thing and does not always achieve results. My mum used to go in and intervene at every falling out, it used to embarrass me and certainly was detrimental. Your dd should be polite and civil to te girl and that's all, you have nothing more to do with them. Explain the situation to your dd teacher for tem to keep an eye out for any bullying. I would do the same house. Your dd knows you love her and support her you don't have to go in all guns blazing to prove that

[YellowTulips]

I am with you on this OP. We are not talking about sustained bullying here, rather a one off incident. I can't see waging war on the mother would be productive. Better to simply to blank. The best lesson if you want friends is to be nice to them and in reverse you don't have to put up/socialise with people who are nasty. If the mother brings it up I would be honest but I wouldn't start a dialogue with her or the school.

[housefullofnoisykids]

Thank you cjel :)

[cjel]

Sorry OP I wasn't saying that you were, I was trying to say to other people that the escalating of bad behaviour wasn't a good idea. I think you've handled this exactly as it should have been dealt with . well done.

[housefullofnoisykids]

I haven't told DD to be horrid to the child. I have, however, advised her to be polite but to keep this girl at arm's length. they are in separate classes anyway, and as I've mentioned DD has a solid group of best friends. Ultimately I have said to DD it is up to her how she is with this girl but she says she doesn't wish to be friends with her anymore. Neither would I. If someone was that unpleasant to me they would be taken straight off my 'friends list' and treated politely but coolly in future.

I think it's important to teach children that they don't have to put up with any old rubbish and they don't have to be treated badly. I think DD will be fine. She's not a bully and she won't bully this girl, but equally she won't forget how this girl - and her mum - have treated her.

[cjel]

I would also try to encourage dd to now do what she feels is right and not to feel that she has to start being horrid to birthday girl, I know its a nightmare but that is life and relationships. Just because bg is horrid doesn't mean that dd has to be as well. My DD has ended up good friends with girls like this because we handled it the right way.If dd could see why bg may behave like this - because of her need to feel loved /important it could help. Not to teach her to accept being treated badly but to enable her to learn why some feel the need to bully.Everyone has off days and even the most loving families have disagreements I'd ask is there any of you who haven't said or done something to DCs or DPs that you later regretted?

[OnwardBound]

Agree Jamie.

Sorry OP,I know you are trying to do what feels right but I fear you may be leaving your daughter to deal with the unpleasant behaviour of this family.

This family have form for confrontation which leaves you fearful of saying anything to them but your 9 year old daughter still went alone to stay the night at their home.

Now when there may be issues between the girls, based on what happened at this home, and the adult responsible not only failed to act but also exacerbated the situation, you are still loathe to speak up?

[BuiltForComfort]

OP fwiw I think you've taken the right route here. Just to add a word of caution though about your DD blanking the horrid birthday girl. I don't think that will harm for day, it sends out a message that her behaviour was noted and is being reacted to. But if it goes on, your DD may end up being seen as the bully or bad guy. I would counsel that she keeps her distance but is civil and coolly friendly. No need to play together but no need to blank outright either. That way your DD gets to keep the moral high ground rather than being seen as the mean girl who ignores / excludes the other girl (not saying she is mean, but people are good at turning these things around ...)

[StanleyLambchop]

So what are you going to say if sleepover mum phones you tonight to ask why your DD ignored her DD all day long? What if tough nut brother takes offence at DNeice being ignored and decides to lob stones at windows anyway? Have you informed the school of what happened?

[KellyElly]

That mother would be in a world of shit with me.

[pigletmania]

I think it's perfectly justifiable that op dd us ignoring the girl, would you talk to someone who is mean and nasty. You can let teacher know of the situation so sh can keep an eye

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I see moonabove makes a similar point

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

The thing that worries me is that your DD does not have the choice to walk away from toxic people- the comparison someone made earlier.

At some point she is going to have a confrontation with the Birthday girl, one which other children may be a party to and have opinions about.

So in essence, you are leaving herto deal with it, whilst you don't

[EggMcDunnough]

I don't see how any of it is passive aggression. Assertive would be more like it - you either say something or you say nothing, ignore and move on with your lives.
Sometimes it is just not worthwhile to engage with another party.

[LandofTute]

The OP is not confronting the woman because she feels it would be in her dd's best interest not to. I think she has handled it well

[moonabove]

Just one thought - if your advice to DD is to ignore birthday girl (bg) it might get turned around by bg and her mum that your DD is bullying her. Have you had a chance to talk to the teacher about it yet? Might be best to do that soon to pre-empt any trouble of that sort.