To be upset about what this mum was like with my DD

[housefullofnoisykids]

On Friday night DD (9) went out to tea with a friend and then to a sleepover at the friend's house. 2 other friends were invited so there were 4 children there in total including DD.

When I picked DD up yesterday morning she burst into tears as soon as we got into the car and said that the following had happened:

When they went out for tea DD there were the 4 kids and then 4 adults; the child's mum and dad and 2 friends of the mum. The mum made DD sit at a table with the 3 other adults and the mum sat at the table with the 3 other children. the mum's reasoning was that her DD wanted to sit with her mum. DD was upset as she didn't know the other adults at the table and obviously she felt left out.

They went back to the house for the sleepover. The birthday child and another girl that was there had it in for DD and spent the whole evening being horrible to her; making fun of the present she had given the girl (clothes) and saying it was horrible, making fun of DD's clothes and DD's pyjamas, and just saying mean things all evening. DD tried several times to tell the girls' mum what was going on and each time the girl's mum told her not to tell tales and to go and get on with everyone. She also said that the mum gave the birthday girl a pack of biscuits for them all to share but the birthday girl refused to let DD have any and the mum just said 'It's X's birthday, it's her choice' so DD didn't get any.

Another time the birthday girl went and told her mum DD had been horrible to her,and the mum went steaming into the bedroom and shouted at DD. DD said she hadn't and that it was the birthday girl and the mum said her daughter would never do that and that she is a lovely girl and DD needs to learn to get on with others.

DD then asked her to phone me as she wanted to go home, and DD said she was in tears at this point (DD says it was around 9pm) and the mum refused to phone me and just walked out of the room.

Then first thing in the morning DD says she woke up and all the other 3 were talking about her, saying they hate her now and that they won't speak to her at school. She again tried to tell the mum and the mum told her again to stop telling tales.

The mum didn't say a word to me about it at pick up and said they'd all had a lovely time and been good. DD normally gets on with everyone, has never had any problems at school with other children and is a lovely girl. Not perfect, as no child is, but certainly not deserving of this treatment. The mum has always seemed nice enough when we've met up with the girls and I've known her several years. Her DD is reasonably spoilt and is the centre of her mum's world. I really don't know where to go from here. Obviously any future playdate or party invitations will be declined, as will any invites from the mum for coffee. I feel if I say something it will cause trouble. I'm so upset though, that my DD was so upset staying at someone else's house and the mum wouldn't even phone me so I could collect her.

[samuelwhiskers]

When I read onwards post I thought, yes, she is right about tackling the issue head on but as you say, you live in a small town and share the same school. Now you know your DD hasn't lied, then the best thing as you say, is totally cut the family off. I had a similar situation with my DD and a very toxic mum and her DD and it ended badly - I should have walked away like you but I fought back and confronted her about a horrible situation and she blew really nastily, I got vile threatening emails. Of course I dropped her like a stone and told my DD to ignore everything at school but looking back, it was better to have walked away at the time and then drop them without the confrontation.

[Iamcountingto3]

Agree with pinksomething - a quiet "dd said she wanted to come home at one point- if that ever happens again, I'd rather know so you aren't dealing with an upset child" & see what it opens up.
I suspect that the table thing won't seem like such a big deal to her ("My dd wanted me on the table, so I just asked one of the other girls to move - we were all in the same room & chatting...." and the other stuff - whilst hurtful - is going to seem petty if brought up/she didn't see it. Incidentally, I think your dd has dealt with this in a very mature and sensible manner, & I'm sure you've told her so

On the call thing - I have lots of sleepovers - and have coached a few children through the 'but I want me mummy noooooowwwwww" stage and out the other side (as long as they are not too distressed of course) I would always tell the other mum of course, but a child asking to phone home once wouldn't automatically be given the phone immediately (I'm talking about younger kids here too)

[housefullofnoisykids]

I think sometimes it's a case of picking your battles isn't it samuelwhiskers? I've tried to look at the overall picture and I think in this case it's easiest for our family, including DD of course, to just let it go and to just stop contact with this family.

[housefullofnoisykids]

DD only wanted to come home because the woman had shouted at her and the other girls were being unkind to her. She normally goes to lots of sleepovers and playdates and isn't a homesick type. I think the fact that the mum didn't let her come home or at least contact me speaks volumes really. I keep thinking why on earth wouldn't someone contact the mum of a child who was upset?! I think she probably knew DD would tell me about what had happened.

[Iamcountingto3]

Sorry, somehow didn't see the rest of the thread - great that your dd has the validation of the other little girl apologizing - and she really sounds like she's handled this brilliantly. I suspect that the playground gossip will ensure your dd will come out of the events as the better person - supported by at least one of the other sleepover girls.
A quick word with the teacher (& a circle time or similar session on friendships and kindliness) will help validate your daughters choices.

[pigletmania]

might do the same as maryz, but if the child still in about half hour wanted to call their mum i would of course allow them to.

[pigletmania]

I would never say no, that is just mean;even if they are homesick hearing the mums voice might be enough to reassure them, or they might just want to go home which of course is fine

[moonabove]

Agree OP, the reason the Mum didn't phone you was that she knew she was in the wrong and behaving badly. That's why I also agree with not confronting her - someone that unpleasant is not going to react well however tactful or non-confrontational you are about it. Once she starts putting the blame on your dd (which is most likely to be her tactic) it's going to push your buttons and the whole thing could blow up very nastily.

Glad to hear about the follow-up text from the other mum. Sounds that nasty behaviour is going to rebound on the birthday DD and hopefully teach her and her rotten mum a valuable lesson.

[housefullofnoisykids]

That's what I'm hoping, moonabove. Karma and all that!

It was quite out of character for the second child to get involved in that kind of thing; she's normally a fairly quiet girl, and is lovely, as are her parents and her brother. I think she was just led, and like I said I think the girls just used an opportunity to get at DD.

I think DD is the kind of child that some may be jealous of; she's popular, intelligent, gets picked for lead roles in plays and assemblies, got asked to recently show some of her work at a meeting with visitors to the school as it was a high standard, and she is also a very pretty girl with lots of nice things (not spoilt though!). I think it could well have been jealousy with the birthday girl.

[SirChenjin]

Yes, sounds very much like she (and her mother) were determined that the Birthday Girl was going to be the star of the whole performance that night. Honestly, what is it with some mothers and their offspring?? Do they have nothing else going on in their lives at which to direct their energy?

[SirChenjin]

Which reminds me - I have a whole house that needs cleaning before I head back to work, and MNetting isn't going to get those loos scrubbed!! I hope it all works out well for your DD and you House

[housefullofnoisykids]

I think you are very right Chenjin. The mother definitely likes her DD to be the centre of attention. The DD always gets her own way.

Oh gosh, I am with you on the housework thing! I always think the 3 hours whilst my youngest is at nursery will be plenty of time to get housework done and it's never enough as I spend all my time on the internet!

[Floggingmolly]

I'm still confused. What "repercussions" are you afraid of??
And as to your questioning what use a half hearted apology would be; no particular value in itself but your child will have seen you stand up for her in a bullying situation, rather than you teaching her to say nothing and keep her head down when something doesn't sit right with her.
Are you happy to give her that message?

[EggMcDunnough]

I totally agree with you OP - I'd not be confronting her at all. There's no point - it won't improve anything, she will know perfectly well already what she has done, and it doesn't matter anyway as you and your lovely dd won't be having anything more to do with them.

She will know why you maintain a dignified silence in response to her texts or calls. People like that are not worth confronting.

[housefullofnoisykids]

The repercussions I've mentioned several times in this thread and that others have mentioned too Floggingmolly :)

Thank you EggMcDunnough, I think you are right, she will know, unless she is incredibly stupid, why I won't be having anymore to do with her.

[EggMcDunnough]

Your dd is not being given a negative message. Not at all. In fact I think it very positive - not to engage with toxic people if it's not necessary and to walk away and carry on with your life.

If the person is not toxic and had upset you unintentionally and will actually be sorry, their friendship is worth a confrontation. Otherwise what is the point. The toxic person will get a sense of gratification is all.

[Floggingmolly]

Re. the jealousy thing; why would they invite her in the first place? Unless you're imagining some sort of machiavellian plot to put your dd in her place?

[lljkk]

I frequently on here see posts by adults saying they don't fall out with people that upset them, they just cut them out of their life and move on.

Unless you have toxic neighbours like mine who develop a kind of persecution complex because I stopped speaking to them. .

I don't think you have any good choices, OP. I hope things settle down peacefully enough.

[housefullofnoisykids]

Floggingmolly, you are reading lots of things into my posts that simply aren't there. And what's with all the faces?

I'm just thinking of reasons as to why they may have been horrible to DD. Of course I'm not imagining some sort of plot.

[samuelwhiskers]

Yes house, it is a case of picking your battles and since you have said that there might be a lot of jealousy involved here, I would draw a line under that family. The mother is obviously toxic. She knew that your DD wanted to go home because she was being treated atrociously by both herself and her DD but decided to make her stay for some reason, probably because she was worried about what she might say to you when you picked her up early. Definitely a guilty conscience.

[pigletmania]

flogging sometimes it is just better to walk away, like adults do when we do not want to be friends with someone anymore who is toxic. Your dd knows already that you are supporting her so you do not need to have a barny with the other mum to do this. As others have been in similar situations whereby it turned nasty, so sometimes better to walk away and do things peacefully

[WileyRoadRunner]

Right OP I think you are doing the correct thing.

My DD had a "situation" whilst playing at someone's house which resulted in a hospital visit. I was very angry .... there is an AIBU thread somewhere but I too was urged to confront the other mother about what had gone on.

I did make clear to the other mother that I was deeply unhappy and very angry about what had gone on. As expected she attempted to deny anything was her to do with her children blah blah despite other parents confirming what my DD had told me. I just stayed silent when she went down that road. Have said nothing since. What's the point? She's not going to take responsibility.

Ironically my daughter is very popular and the other girl and the father apologised which makes her mother's denial look quite stupid and the girls are all as happy as ever. Sadly though no one nw wants to go to this girls house and so she misses out. I have no doubt that the mother now realises if she had just apologised and dealt with the issue her DD wouldn't be missing out.

[Fecklessdizzy]

I'm with the walk-away-and-blank-them-forever team. If asked why you can tell them but having a bust-up will embarrass you and your daughter and get you nowhere. Indifference is the best revenge!

[shewhowines]

I think the mother will get the message load and clear, when all invites are declined and none issued. Her daughter has already received the loud and clear message this morning when she was ignored. We know this as she appeared embarrassed. So no confrontation but definite consequences.

Sometimes it is better to keep a dignified silence, although like you, if asked why you've declined an invite, I would say because DD didn't have a nice time and wasn't allowed to phone home.