To be upset about what this mum was like with my DD

[housefullofnoisykids]

On Friday night DD (9) went out to tea with a friend and then to a sleepover at the friend's house. 2 other friends were invited so there were 4 children there in total including DD.

When I picked DD up yesterday morning she burst into tears as soon as we got into the car and said that the following had happened:

When they went out for tea DD there were the 4 kids and then 4 adults; the child's mum and dad and 2 friends of the mum. The mum made DD sit at a table with the 3 other adults and the mum sat at the table with the 3 other children. the mum's reasoning was that her DD wanted to sit with her mum. DD was upset as she didn't know the other adults at the table and obviously she felt left out.

They went back to the house for the sleepover. The birthday child and another girl that was there had it in for DD and spent the whole evening being horrible to her; making fun of the present she had given the girl (clothes) and saying it was horrible, making fun of DD's clothes and DD's pyjamas, and just saying mean things all evening. DD tried several times to tell the girls' mum what was going on and each time the girl's mum told her not to tell tales and to go and get on with everyone. She also said that the mum gave the birthday girl a pack of biscuits for them all to share but the birthday girl refused to let DD have any and the mum just said 'It's X's birthday, it's her choice' so DD didn't get any.

Another time the birthday girl went and told her mum DD had been horrible to her,and the mum went steaming into the bedroom and shouted at DD. DD said she hadn't and that it was the birthday girl and the mum said her daughter would never do that and that she is a lovely girl and DD needs to learn to get on with others.

DD then asked her to phone me as she wanted to go home, and DD said she was in tears at this point (DD says it was around 9pm) and the mum refused to phone me and just walked out of the room.

Then first thing in the morning DD says she woke up and all the other 3 were talking about her, saying they hate her now and that they won't speak to her at school. She again tried to tell the mum and the mum told her again to stop telling tales.

The mum didn't say a word to me about it at pick up and said they'd all had a lovely time and been good. DD normally gets on with everyone, has never had any problems at school with other children and is a lovely girl. Not perfect, as no child is, but certainly not deserving of this treatment. The mum has always seemed nice enough when we've met up with the girls and I've known her several years. Her DD is reasonably spoilt and is the centre of her mum's world. I really don't know where to go from here. Obviously any future playdate or party invitations will be declined, as will any invites from the mum for coffee. I feel if I say something it will cause trouble. I'm so upset though, that my DD was so upset staying at someone else's house and the mum wouldn't even phone me so I could collect her.

[housefullofnoisykids]

Surely the mum will deny it though if she was out of order, or sway it in favour of her child no matter what. Then what? Am I supposed to disbelieve my own child? Who is normally a reliable, sensible child that gets on well with others and has never gone through anything like this before?

[Dancergirl]

It's not a question of disbelieving your dd houseful, but hearing the story from the mums perspective. You assume she'll try and wriggle out of any wrong-doing but you don't know until you ask!

[housefullofnoisykids]

I'm going to bow out of the thread now. Thank you for all the opinions and advice.

At the moment I am not going to say anything to the mother. I will leave my daughter with the judgement of whether to be friends with this child again, and I will be careful and selective about which invitations I accept in future from this mother. I do believe my DD, as the other mother clearly believed her DD, and I think if my DD was as awful as she seemed to make out to DD, she would have said something when I collected DD.

[wannaBe]

but you don't know she'll try and wriggle out of it, she may just give you a different perspective.

From your dd's pov "I asked her to ring you because I wanted to come home," from her pov, "I had just told your dd off because the girls were arguing, she burst into tears and said she wanted to come home. I thought she was just being defiant so I just ignored it." It puts a different perspective on things and it may actually be how the mum saw it.

You can only judge a situation if you have both sides. You say this mum doesn't want to believe her dd is capable of doing any wrong, but by refusing to seek clarification of both sides of the incident you are acting no different tbh.

[SpeccyBat]

Agreed OP. Had your DD been badly behaved, then she would have contacted you/at the very least mentioned it. Am gutted for you both. We are meant to be able to trust other Mums with our children.

[Dancergirl]

I agree wannabe and OP, why post on here if you aren't going to listen to advice?

Not about your dd specifically, but I would be wary of looking at any child as 100% innocent. ANY child is capable of acting inappropriately sometimes, it doesn't mean they are bad people, but they're young and learning.

[DumSpiroSpero]

I'm normally very much in favour of letting things blow over, but I couldn't let go of the not letting your DD call home aspect.

Perhaps speak to the other mum about this "DD came home very upset as she had wanted to come home but apparently wasn't able to call me - it's not like her, do you know if anything went on that I should be aware of?"

The other mum then has the opportunity to put her side of the story, our did herself a bloody great hole. If nothing else she will probably realise that your DD has told you exactly what went on and she hasn't 'gotten away with it'.

I really sympathise as my 8.6yo DD had a less than brilliant sleepover last night too - unfortunately it was with the IL's & MIL was the problem, so I'll some fun dealing with that no doubt .

[Madmum24]

I would definately want to know the other mothers side of the story; I have issues with a mother in our group who is convinced that her child is being severely bullied/excluded from the group; but it is her pfb that is extremely manipulative and wants to control other children, but is very careful only to display this out of the sight/hearing of the adults I only realized this when I put my ear to the door of the playroom. The mother doesn't listen to anyone elses side of the story, accuses other kids of being liars and openly says that her child would never do anything wrong.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

True Dancergirl

[housefullofnoisykids]

I just feel I've been given an unfairly hard time Dancergirl. I did listen to advice, and you will see that I've said twice in this thread that I appreciate all replies and that I've taken all advice on board. That doesn't mean I'm going to do what everybody says though and I'm sure you'll have read that some have agreed with me and say that I'm doing the right thing. Just because I'm not doing what you suggest I do it doesn't mean that I didn't appreciate all replies and didn't listen to advice.

Well I really am off now because I don't think I have anything more to say. But I shall say once again thank you all for your replies, and I have taken everything on board, and considered everything, even if I haven't done exactly what each and every person suggested! :)

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

True Madmum

[XBenedict]

I get it OP, she's never going to say "do you know what OP you are right I should have called I'm so sorry" although half of me would want to phone and find out what went on the other half would be questioning what I would achieve. Is your DD ok now?

[LandofTute]

I think you are doing the right thing not saying anything to the mum. Your dd thinks it will make things worse and it probably will. The mum will almost certainly blame your dd and maybe get very angry, so it won't help your dd.
Just speak to your dd and say those girls aren't nice and she needs to concentrate on nice girls and make sure she avoids them out of school in future. Possibly send an email to the teacher and ask her to keep an eye out for any nastiness in school by these bully girls.

[stressyBessy22]

Your poor DD.I wouldn't contact the other mother because she is going to tell a different tale and you will have no way of proving what your DD said is true.In fact some of the things I am a bit about.What adult want to sit at the childrens table?
even if you could prove it the past can't be undone.Make sure you send your DD with a mobile phone next time she goes on a sleepover.

[candyandyoga]

I would be fucking fumimg

You must say something.

This mum should feel ashamed of herself, what a nasty stupid woman!


And another thing, I really hate it when people say that children 'shouldn't tell tales' - if there is a problem, why are some parents saying children should shut up about it?! I don't get that kind of stupid attitude either.

You must say something - and don't be apologetic about it either. Say it straight that you found her ( the mum's) attitude towards your daughter very wrong and you are furious she didn't let your dd phone you.

This is exactly why it is worth being so much more cautious about where children have sleepovers.

[Yfronts]

I would call the other mother and ask what had happened.

Say your DD has been in tears and very upset, telling you she has had a bad time and that she felt the other girls were horrible to her and that she wanted to come home.

Then be silent and wait to see what the other mum says.

[NayFindus]

I would forget the rest and just ask her why her daughter wasn't allowed to call home? Agree with the others, kids aren't perfect but it looks like it was the girls mother that was bullying her and the other kids took their cues from that. How shit do you have to be to bully a 9 year old girl on her own at your home??? Sickened.

[cjel]

Just look after dd. Posters who say we should confront bullies and show dd you are supporting her are very confrontational. DD also has to learn that horrible people happen in life and we don't always have to carry it on. By supporting dd without all the drama is much more sensible. OP has asked dd - she wants it left she has moved on, she know they were wrong not her and thats all thats important. It is not OPs job to change another mothers way of being - its up to her to do the best for her dd. DD wants it left end of.

[Icelollycraving]

Poor dd. Some girls (& women) can be such vicious little cats.
I think I would call. I would just ask what happened as your dd burst into tears as soon as she was in the car,which is v out of charachter.
The biscuit thing is pointless to bring up. She won't see her dd in a bad light,she is enabling it. I would just want her to know I was concerned dd had asked to call home & that was refused.
I suspect she will not view the sleepover in any way the same way as your dd.

[GreenLeafTea]

I think you should mention something to her teacher at school to keep an eye on things just in case.

I also wouldn't bother speaking to the mum. She sounds awful.

[MidniteScribbler]

The mamma bear side of me would want to run this woman up a flagpole by her underwear and throw sticks at her. What a horrible sounding person.

The sensible part of me would let it go for the moment and refuse all future invitations and interactions with this family. The passive aggressive part of me would make sure that I had a few snide comments to this woman in passing so she knows I'm pissed off.

Your child has asked that you not pursue it with the mother, so I would leave it at that for now. But perhaps you could take her on a special mother/daughter shopping trip to pick out a basic payg mobile phone and cool case that she can take to playdates and sleepovers so she knows that if she's ever feeling uncomfortable she can call you at anytime.

[Machli]

I'd be right up front and say "dd says she asked you to call me from the sleepover because she was upset, is that true?" I am afraid I would not be able to leave it. Poor dd .

[scratchandsniff]

I think you're right not to call her. She'll go on the defensive and you won't get anywhere with her. Also it could make matters worse for your DD. Ignore her in future and decline any future invites if she asks why, that is when I would say something.

Girls can be bloody nasty. The mother set the tone for the evening when she seperated your daughter at dinner.

I would in future keep a pay as you go mobile for DD to take with her on sleepovers.

I hope your DD doesn't have to have too much to do with these girls in future.