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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friends DH has moved on since her death a bit quickly?

228 replies

goingupinfumes · 22/03/2013 13:03

My very good friend died suddenly 5 months ago and has left behind two very young DD and her hubbie, he's already formed a new close relationship - I feel a bit like "it's none of my business" but at the same time I feel a bit Hmm.

I would never ever say anything but I wondered if anyone who has been in this awful situation could help me to feel a bit more balanced and calm about what I feel is disrespectful to my lovely lost friend.

OP posts:
bassingtonffrench · 22/03/2013 13:04

Your feelings are totally understandable but YABU I'm afraid

TheYamiOfYolk · 22/03/2013 13:07

It's really common, and actually especially so with men who had very good marriages. A similar thing happened when a friend of mine died. Her husband found a new partner around 6 months later and they are now married with a new baby. It was hard to watch, but my friend hasn't been forgotten, and her kids are happy with how it's worked out.

Bridgetbidet · 22/03/2013 13:08

YABU. It's none of your business. You don't know enough about the situation to judge it. Keep your nose out.

Original poster
goingupinfumes · 22/03/2013 13:09

Thanks Yam it just feels very very odd seeing pictures of my friends children with a new person?? I'm so sure she is lovely but it just feels so soon? and I really can't stop getting upset.

OP posts:
Lilymaid · 22/03/2013 13:10

Men often do that, I'm afraid. Women tend to grieve for much longer but men so often need a new relationship (and someone to look after them/their DCs) very soon.

quoteunquote · 22/03/2013 13:11

Good for him, how brilliant he is getting support.

Just out of interest what precisely is the correct amount of time?

I understand why you feel the way you do, but in my experience of people in these positions, it's never someone being replaced, but an extension of love.

cathpip · 22/03/2013 13:11

You have every right to feel like this but... My mother died very suddenly aged 67, 6 months ago, my dad (although not looking for it) formed a close relationship with a lady and they are getting married in Oct (14 months after mum)We are all a little Shock, but he is happy and in no way has he forgotten our mother, but life moves on. We are delighted for them both and it is sooo nice to see dad smile again after all the heartache.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 22/03/2013 13:12

Its not up to you to judge whether its too soon or not. Its absolutely none of your business at all, everyone grieves in different ways. If it upsets you delete him off fb.

Floralnomad · 22/03/2013 13:12

Do you think your friends DCs would be happier wallowing in grief then ? As the answer to that is obviously no ,then that's what you need to keep in mind when you see them together.

WeAreEternal · 22/03/2013 13:13

A close friend of mine dies very suddenly a couple of years ago. Her DDs were only 2 and 7 months at the time.

Her DH started dating very soon after her death and was in a new relationship after only a few months.

It didn't last long, and he later confessed that he was struggling to let go of his DW and he thought dating would help him come to terms with it all and move on.
And to be honest I think it did help him.

Let your friends DH know you are there for him, and offer him any support that he needs.

Wishiwasanheiress · 22/03/2013 13:13

You are grieving for ur friend. She will not be replaced. She can't be. But u are bu to interfere. He's allowed friends and new loves. What time would be ok? A year? 2? It's so individual and he's the one left so truly only he can decide. Grieve for ur lost friendship but don't cross the line or u will end up with no relationship to the kids. I'm sure u wouldn't want that.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 22/03/2013 13:14

It's very common. It is grief and a desperate need for comfort.

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs · 22/03/2013 13:14

I can see why you feel.upset. But there is no set time for grief and despite the fact he now has a new relationship i would
imagine he still grieves for his wife everyday.

Life does go on and there is no rule that says after so many months/years its ok to date again etc.

Its actually important for the children that life does go on and that their father is happy as long as they grieve and take time to rsmember their mum as well.

Tailtwister · 22/03/2013 13:14

YANBU to feel the way you do. She was your friend, you miss her and are obviously protective of the family she left behind.

I agree that men often enter into a new relationship quite quickly. I don't know why, but you know YWBU to comment. It's going to take some time for you to adjust and that's understandable.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 22/03/2013 13:17

YABU, sorry. Tend to your own grief but what he does is his own business and you need to either just be here for him or step away I think.

I am sorry you lost your friend Thanks

DewDr0p · 22/03/2013 13:18

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. I can totally understand why you are upset (I have been there myself) but yes this is common and normal and in no way diminishes his feelings or grief.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 22/03/2013 13:18

Oh, and I know two women who did the same, similar timescales, it is actually very common.

shanks313 · 22/03/2013 13:18

My mum died in August and my dad has already got a new close female friend and is already talking about her moving into his house.
I know he still grieves for my mum every day but he has a companion to talk to..would rather that than he was lonely.

Chandon · 22/03/2013 13:18

Yanbu to feel that way, but really, it is not a bad thing, is it?

Would it be better if he was depressed and lonely for years on end ...?

Still, it somehow feels "wrong" I get that

Original poster
goingupinfumes · 22/03/2013 13:19

Thanks - I would never ever comment to him I just don't have anyone to talk too about my feelings, so I'm putting them out here. When he told me about his new relationship I said "that's amazing news, i'm so happy for you" and then sobbed.

OP posts:
ChairmanWow · 22/03/2013 13:19

I think some of you are being a bit harsh towards the OP. She's grieving too don't forget, and I would imagine it's really feeling like she's been forgotten.

It does seem soon, but I guess that's his decision. It doesn't mean that he doesn't miss her too. All you can do is be there for him and their kids. In time it will seem more normal.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 22/03/2013 13:19

I will always remember my mum talking to a friend of mine (let's call him Fred) whose mum had died, and whose father started a relationship with a family friend about a year later. Fred was v. upset, and my mum sat down and talked it all through with him.

She made the point that nowadays when being widowed is relatively rare, our model for the end of a relationship is relationship breakdown, rather than bereavement, and relationship breakdown leaves a completely different set of emotional scars (to do with loss of trust, loss of faith in one's own judgement) which can actually take longer to process than bereavement. She said that in her childhood, it was fairly normal for widows and widowers to remarry relatively early, and in fact, the happier the first marriage had been the sooner this tended to happen - because they had an entirely positive set of feelings about marriage and being with a life partner (Fred's mum was a lovely woman, and his mum and dad had obviously had a very happy marriage).

Since this conversation with Fred (about 25 years ago now), I've watched precisely this process in action several times, and in fact been to the weddings of two good friends who got together with their now wife/husband (different couples) under a year from losing their fiance(e). There is no fixed time scale. I hope you can get round to feeling happy for your friend. He means no disrespect to his dead partner; I'm sure he cherishes her memory, and I hope you can find it in you to wish him well with his new partner.

Tortington · 22/03/2013 13:20

ooh you grieve your way and he will grieve his. I might think the same thing in your shoes tbh, but at the same time understanding that he is dealing with things in his own way

Booyhoo · 22/03/2013 13:21

the only person who gets to say whether it's too soon or not is teh person who has lost his wife. because no-one else is having his feelings or knows what he needs just at this moment in time.

it might be hard for you to see but he shouldn't have to make his life decisions based on what is hard for you to see TBH.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 22/03/2013 13:21

It's completely normal to feel like that. My friend died very suddenly when her DC1 was a baby. It was horribly traumatic for everybody. When her DH met his now DP, I couldnt help feeling sad about it, as it seemed so disloyal.

In reality, he was just doing his best with a horrible situation. They're still together and she absolutely adores the DC and he adores her. They're a genuinely very happy family. But, even now, when they put up happy, loving photos on FB (for example), I still get a pang of sadness for my friend and think, that should have been her.

She was my friend and I loved her to bits, but it would be very wrong to judge her DH now. He went through enough.