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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friends DH has moved on since her death a bit quickly?

228 replies

goingupinfumes · 22/03/2013 13:03

My very good friend died suddenly 5 months ago and has left behind two very young DD and her hubbie, he's already formed a new close relationship - I feel a bit like "it's none of my business" but at the same time I feel a bit .

I would never ever say anything but I wondered if anyone who has been in this awful situation could help me to feel a bit more balanced and calm about what I feel is disrespectful to my lovely lost friend.

OP posts:

myfriendflicka · 22/03/2013 16:55

Too much judgement here. And the new relationship and the OP's grief for her friend are seperate issues.

I'm a widow at 5 years. Losing your partner is devastating.

People are very quick to make comments and tell bereaved people what they "should" be doing. There is a lot of that about and it really doesn't help.
Bereaved people struggle to get through the hours and days for a long time, criticism from people who don't understand compounds the pain they are feeling.

However, the OP is obviously grieving for her friend. This happened to someone else I know whose friend died of cancer, and her widower moved on within months to a new relationship. My friend found that very hard and had some counselling which helped her to grieve for her friend. Then she was able to accept the relationship and keep her friendship with her late friend's partner and his child, which she wanted to do.

Darkesteyes · 22/03/2013 16:57

My DH has a heart condition. Pre heart condition though he hadnt wanted to sleep with me for 10 years (17 years now) to be quite frank if (God forbid) something happened to him and i met someone i liked why should i be made to feel guilty. I think it would be my decision to make and no one elses.
Apart from a 4 and a half year affair in the time mentioned which ended five years ago ive already gone without.
So i dont really see why i would have to go without even longer to please curtain twitchers and my mother.

INeverSaidThat · 22/03/2013 16:58

YABU
it is none of your business.

Just because your friends DH he has a new relationship doesn't mean that he didn't love his wife or that he is not grieving for her. He is an adult and I don't think you should judge him.

My DBIL's wife died after a long illness and he said he was going to give himself a few years before he dated again. However, he met someone else and got remarried within a year and a half. We all supported him and even his first wives family were happy that he was happy. He really loved his first wife and he certainly wasn't replacing her, it's just that he met someone else after she died.

Owllady · 22/03/2013 17:03

I understand how you feel too and I hope posting about it has helped. My sister died over a decade ago now and about 3 years ago her fiance got married and I felt upset about that, not because I didn't want him to get married because I think it is completely normal, but I felt sad that my sister wasn't here anymore and it wasn't her getting married. God I feel tearful about it now but it's normal to feel sad, even years later

nurseneedshelp · 22/03/2013 17:03

My friend also died (during the birth of her 3rd DD) and her DH met someone within a few months. It was difficult to see another woman with my friends 3 girls but they've very settled and happy.

They have photos of their mum all over and talk about her alot.

HollyBerryBush · 22/03/2013 17:05

My mother died after 43 years of marriage. My father took her ashes home after about 4 months, hooked up with an old friend, they married maybe 18 months later.

Can't see the problem myself, they were a very sweet couple - and neither had time on their side; she gave him 5 very happy years, where he was very ill and he supported her through breast cancer and a double mastectomy, until his death. She'll never marry again even though she is probably still young enough.

I'm eternally indebted to my step mother for loving my father unconditionally, nursing him and making him very happy.

HalfSpamHalfBrisket · 22/03/2013 17:06

Well for a bit of gender equality my mum was in a new relationship whilst my dad was dying very soon after my dear dad died. Off on holiday together within a couple of months etc. I am of course pleased that she is in a happy relationship, but I just don't see her in the same way as I did before this happened. So my sympathy to you OP, I understand how you feel.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2013 17:06

Men often do this. It's selfish and weak.

Booyhoo · 22/03/2013 17:09

and are the women that do it 'selfish and weak' too expat?

Booyhoo · 22/03/2013 17:10

and at what point is it not selfish and weak to begin a new relationship after your partner dies?

auntmargaret · 22/03/2013 17:12

I've been the child in this scenario and I can tell you, it hurts like hell. My dad could get a new wife, but I could never get a new mum. It felt like he had abandoned us. I think adults in new relationships can be incredibly selfish and put their own needs first. OP, YANBU, but obviously you have to keep schtum. If I could ask you to do one thing, it would be to stay in touch for the sake of your friend's children. One day, they will want to know more about their mum. You will know stories no one else knows, you will have photos no one else has. The world moves on so quickly. Your link with their mum is invaluable to them.

motherinferior · 22/03/2013 17:12

So you're saying your father should have married someone to do the childcare for him, Booyhoo?

(My grandfather did this. It was Not A Good Idea.)

expatinscotland · 22/03/2013 17:12

'If there are children involved then it is wrong to move on quickly.

Expecting your recently bereaved to children to hang out with your new girlfriend is incredibly selfish. '

I agree. My children sustained a major bereavement, of their sister. Believe me, it takes time for them to work through it. DH and I have to set aside our own grief from time to time to do what is best for them. That's what you do when you're an adult and a good parent. You put aside your own feelings and need for a bedwarmer for a while whilst your kids adjust and get help for the feelings that go with such bereavement.

auntmargaret · 22/03/2013 17:13

Well said, Expat.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2013 17:14

'and at what point is it not selfish and weak to begin a new relationship after your partner dies?'

Women don't do it as often as men, Boo, but yes, it's a shitty, selfish thing to do when there are children in the home.

When your kids have at least had time to accept the death of their parent. Which I can promise you isn't in 5 months.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2013 17:18

It won't be forever, they are getting bereavement counselling and play therapy. But it's been nearly 9 months since she died after long illness and they still have behavioural issues due to the loss.

It's immature of someone not to realise what a major thing loss of immediate family is to a child and rush in to a new relationship.

As plenty of people who have been the child in that situation has stated.

Sure, he's an adult and can do what he wants, but I'd think little of him, tbh, and start distancing myself.

Darkesteyes · 22/03/2013 17:18

Women may not do it as often but they are slated for it far more than men are when they do.

Booyhoo · 22/03/2013 17:19

no MI. i'm not saying he should have. I'm saying Dsis and i would most likely have been far happier if he had in that situation. i can honestly say that if my mum had died when we were small Dsis and i would probably have gone to live with other family. my dad just wouldn't have coped.

Darkesteyes · 22/03/2013 17:20

expat i remember your posts and it sounds to me as if you are a wonderful strong loving family.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2013 17:20

Yeah, but she didn't die. So it's a moot point. Probably never occurred.

Booyhoo · 22/03/2013 17:22

i know she didn't die. do i not get an opinion then?

HollyBerryBush · 22/03/2013 17:24

My mothers sister died (before I was born) leaving a 14mo and a 5yo. My mother had one, another aunt had the other, until the girls father remarried - back in the day (1962) they were farmed out to family until such times the father could suitably look after them. No welfare state to provide a cushion back then, no way he could have given up his job, the house was tied to it.

He remarried within 6 months to a work colleague who couldn't have children and was absolutely desperate for a family of her own. win-win on that score. I'm not sure using expats judgment, who was selfish, him for providing his girls with a stable home and a mother (neither remember their own mother) or her for wanting a family? They seem to have had a happy marriage until her untimely death.

Wife number 3 acquired when the girls were 18 and 22 was an absolute cow by all accounts.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2013 17:24

Sure, but others can conclude it's a rather ridiculous one based on speculation of a past event that never occurred.

motherinferior · 22/03/2013 17:26

Well, even in this hypothetical situation I can't really see why some imaginary woman should have had to take on the parenting for him.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2013 17:26

Nowadays, Holly, there's no reason to bring in a replacement in record time, we have better resources and are able to recognise how grief affects children.

As for 'giving them a mother', well, they already have one. Who is dead.

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