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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friends DH has moved on since her death a bit quickly?

228 replies

goingupinfumes · 22/03/2013 13:03

My very good friend died suddenly 5 months ago and has left behind two very young DD and her hubbie, he's already formed a new close relationship - I feel a bit like "it's none of my business" but at the same time I feel a bit Hmm.

I would never ever say anything but I wondered if anyone who has been in this awful situation could help me to feel a bit more balanced and calm about what I feel is disrespectful to my lovely lost friend.

OP posts:
hopefloats · 23/03/2013 15:22

The DM of one of my DS's schoolfriends died last November, and, by the January, her DH was already in a relationship with another school mum. The thing is, his DW was very ill for years and years and he was basically her carer, not a husband. I did feel a bit Hmm when I was gossiped to, but it was none of my business. Sometimes, we just have to rein in our pointy noses.

Original poster
goingupinfumes · 23/03/2013 15:27

Madamecastafiore thank you for your input I think strong words, the truth is that conversation wouldn't of potentially of taken place given the speed and sudden death that happened.

Grumpyrocker I'm really pleased that you have found love again, and I do agree some of the posts on here are somewhat weighted towards how men deal with grief and moving on, but given my post was about my friends DH moving on I guess the thread was pushed towards that emphasis.

I'm with ?MrsCampbellBlack* since my friends death I have said to my DH please find love let the DS grown and develop with a complete family.

OP posts:
everlong · 23/03/2013 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MurderOfGoths · 23/03/2013 16:27

Well yes everlong but that doesn't mean that's always the way it works. And I'm sorry you went through that. I suspect that even if your dad hadn't moved on so quickly things wouldn't have been better for you :(

everlong · 23/03/2013 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pink90 · 23/03/2013 17:00

I was widowed with two small children in my early 30's.

I agree with others in saying that both of us would have rather it was us than either of our children.

However, the very person that would normally support you in your grief, your partner, is the one that has died.

Even though I had fantastic friends and family, you grieve alone often putting it aside as you have small children.

It was a horrible time ....a time that I feel I have lost in my children's life and my own - overwhelmed by loneliness even with others around.

I often fantasized really about having the love of someone else because I think you just really miss it, although I would not have been ready to move on.

Realisitically if someone had paid me attention I probably would have reciprocated, although for the wrong reasons.

I really don't think you can say until you have been there - the same as I cannot really appreciate what it would be like to lose a child.

exoticfruits · 23/03/2013 17:48

I had the same experience pink90, and you do have to put it all aside for the children. Personally I wasn't ready for another relationship -I had to come to terms with it all first. But we are all different, which is why I don't think anyone should judge. What you can see on the surface is probably very different from what is underneath.

Loa · 23/03/2013 21:08

My Uncle was in a new relationship less than 6 months after my Aunt died.

22 years later he still in the same relationship - and my Cousins seem to rely on Uncle DP and seem very close to her and her DC to this day.

My Cousins - late teens seemed to accept it as did Uncles? and late wife?s closest friends.

It seemed to be GP, My Dad and slightly more distant friends who had big issues with it. In fact my late Aunt's family seemed much friendlier to the new person than my GP - Uncle's parents who had never really got on with late Aunt.

I'm sure for some people getting together with someone so soon could be disastrous but could also mean next 22 are full of fun and happiness.

I understand the Hmm - who wants to think they or people they love can be 'replaced' so quickly but that isn't really what is happening more a life is short so grab what happiness you can thing I think.

2rebecca · 24/03/2013 09:52

I also think that your mother or child or even best friend is much more "special" and irreplacable than your partner. Many of us have had different partners over our lives and relationships are rarely perfect.
I think it's a shame bereaved parents don'tconsider their kids more and keep their dating quiet for a while and not move to living together quickly where kids are concerned though, because whilst you may want a new lover few kids are in a rush for a parent replacement.

AThingInYourLife · 24/03/2013 10:11

"I also think that your mother or child or even best friend is much more "special" and irreplacable than your partner."

Not to me.

And I hope I am not to him.

exoticfruits · 24/03/2013 10:46

I think it is a shame that people see it as 'replacement' in the first place. A new partner is not 'a replacement'.

AThingInYourLife · 24/03/2013 10:53

Sometimes, particularly when very little time has elapsed, a new partner is a replacement.

Loa · 24/03/2013 11:38

I agree you exoticfruits - but it is how my family viewed the new woman in my Uncle life which I think was very unfair to Uncle, his DP and their DC. Hence thinking he should wait to find one Hmm.

I don't think Uncle, his new DP or any of their DC saw it that way - I think they saw love and happiness.

Loa · 24/03/2013 11:41

with you Blush -

exoticfruits · 24/03/2013 12:20

Sometimes, particularly when very little time has elapsed, a new partner is a replacement.

As a judgement by the bystander-I doubt if the widow/widower sees it that way. (does the bystander matter?)

AThingInYourLife · 24/03/2013 12:39

It's a recognised phenomenon - the rebound relationship.

That the person rebounding can't see it doesn't mean it isn't happening.

Obviously people who are grieving can do what they choose.

But if they're moving a new woman into their wife's place within months, people are going to think what they think.

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs · 24/03/2013 12:45

So how much time do you have to wait for it not to be a rebound relationship? 6mths, 8mths a year, who gets to decide.

Personally I think its up to the bereaved Peterson to do what they feel comfortable with and not for others to judge.

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs · 24/03/2013 12:45

Person...

exoticfruits · 24/03/2013 14:00

I would agree about the danger of rebound relationship but that is nothing to do with 'replacement'. Again it is for the person themselves to work out.

lainiekazan · 24/03/2013 14:24

Of course widows and widowers can do what they like; who is saying otherwise?

What is Hmm behaviour is when they clearly disregard the feelings or wellbeing of their offspring. Frankly I can think of so many examples that I think that the cliche of the weak father (eg Baron Hardup, Hansel & Gretel's father) is based on some truth. I'm not normally in the "Leave the bastard" crew but sadly I do think there is a sexual stereotype here in that a significant proportion of widowers put their own loneliness/gratification/desire to replicate happy marriage - call it what you will - above their children. Of course, if time has elapsed, or the children are older, then that's different. I'm talking about men who set up home with someone within a very short space of time when they have dependent children.

2rebecca · 24/03/2013 19:01

OK maybe replacement was a bad choice of word, but if you are usually monogomous and choose a new lover when your previous lover dies there is an element of replacement in that you are replacing one person who you love and share life with and whose company you enjoy with another one. That isn't to say the 2 people were interchangeable or that the bereaved person no longer values the relationship they had with their previous spouse.
I am on my second husband, in many ways my current husband was a "replacement" in that I love him, view him as my best friend, share a house and finances with him. He is still a unique individual though.
I think the Tim Minchen song "If I didn't have you someone else would do" sums it up, we are none of us as irreplaceable as we like to think, except to our relatives.

Amberz · 25/03/2013 07:05

Sorry for your lose same thing happened to a friend of mine his wife died of cancer 9 months ago, he has now met someone else they are engaged and very happy , I dont think time has anything to do with it hard as it is to see it happening , but my friend was happyily married and needs a woman in his life so i wish them all the best however quick it may have been , there is a NEED for them both who are we to judge?, abit of happiness is hard to find in this life I say grab it with both hands and dont let it go.

AThingInYourLife · 25/03/2013 14:11

He "needs" a woman in his life? Hmm

Like he needs a dishwasher.

Ick.

I fucking hope I'm more than that to my husband.

JustinBsMum · 25/03/2013 15:16

But it's the speed. It can take forever to find the 'man/woman' of your dreams first time round, then, hey, second time they just seem to arrive on the doorstep within weeks/months!

Perhaps the 'replacement', though not exactly hovering in the wings was already aware of the attractions of the bereaved person.

Or perhaps the bereft partner now knows what they want in a partner so can recognise those traits in the new one, or even what traits they don't want in a new one.

I suppose there is no one answer but a mix of reasons but perhaps men don't realise how important they are in their DC's lives, or their grief masks this, and they take a new partner when the opportunity arises.

SatsukiKusukabe · 25/03/2013 16:39

I think it's too soon for the children, but it's really up to the adult when they choose to get in to a new relationship