To think my friends DH has moved on since her death a bit quickly?

[goingupinfumes]

My very good friend died suddenly 5 months ago and has left behind two very young DD and her hubbie, he's already formed a new close relationship - I feel a bit like "it's none of my business" but at the same time I feel a bit .

I would never ever say anything but I wondered if anyone who has been in this awful situation could help me to feel a bit more balanced and calm about what I feel is disrespectful to my lovely lost friend.

This happened recently to a family I knew. The mother died when pregnant with her 4th child. The widower was left with 3 small kids, and it was very obvious that he could not cope with the practicalities of raising them. My friend (who had been a close friend of the deceased), tried to help him learn to cook, clean, laundry, school routines etc, but he was totally disinterested and lazy about it.

He went to the pub at the 2 month point, moved in the woman he met that night a month later, and was totally surprised and shocked when the first wives friends and family weren't too keen to attend their wedding six months after their daughters/friends funeral.

This bloke clearly just wanted sex and housework/child rearing, and was disrespectful to the living and the dead.

Well, without being dismissive of anyones opinion, this is just one of those subjects where people will have their own experiences or anecdotal stories. Far too many variables to state categorically its right or wrong.

I agree Holly but I also feel that as much as the man is suffering, it will come second to the children who have lost a mother. Their needs must be put first and five months is too soon, especially after the shock of a bereavement.

It may well be advisable to "mind your own business" in RL, but this is MN, don't we come on here especially to do the opposite?

We don't know the nature of the new relationship. It could be that it's just a very causal arrangement.

I've recently witnessed a friend going through this (we became friends after his partner had died) and tbh I think it's very complex. He was seeing someone else seven months after his dp had died, and they were living together within months. But, while I think that in their way they are happy, I think that there are a lot of issues wrt his grief which he has not really dealt with, and that to a large extent his getting involved with someone else (who is also a friend) he has moved on in order to escape his grief.

In itself that isn't necessarily a bad thing (there are no children involved so it's only himself to think of), but in reality that grief has come out in different ways, e.g. he suddenly couldn't bear to live in the house any more so they moved - within weeks - even though the house isn't sold yet, into a rented flat halfway around the country, although on the positive that is nearer to his family. His dp on the other hand has had to move into the house of someone who, by virtue of the fact she is dead, has essentially been sainted. Even though she essentially was very controlling and kept my friend isolated from all his friends and family (none of them saw him for the six years they were together). But because she is dead this can never be pointed out, but the fact he is now seeing his friends and family has IMO shown him that it wasn't all fantastic and that too has been a difficult revellation.

I also think that not all women who end up with someone who is bereaved are doormats or being used - I think there are a lot of manipulative women who go after the bereaved, I saw this first hand in the number of women who went after my friend with the idea that they would be the one to "get him over his grief," and there were also the ones who fancied the idea of his big house which he inherited (it was his dp's house).

I think that no relationship comes with a guarantee, and that ultimately we all have to do what makes us happy. I do also think there isn't a set time, as what works for one doesn't work for someone else and vice versa.

Also, why is it wrong to say, enter into a new relationship within a matter of months, but nobody would criticise someone for conceiving a baby months after losing a child? We wouldn't consider having another baby to be replacing a dead child, so why are we fit to judge someone who moves into a new relationship?

I agree with Expat and MotherInferior but also know that I'd never comment to the person concerned.

I guess I'd just think that it was a bit unfair on everyone concerned especially the children (assuming they're being introduced to the new partner) but also the new partner. I just can't imagine it would be terribly easy to have a relationship with such a newly bereaved person.

A friend's wife died when she was young leaving behind young children - he's now dating 3 years on but I know he felt the first couple of years he just had to prioritise his small children and dealing with their grief and he would take second place.

I know there's no right amount of time to meet someone new but I guess there is just a gut reaction when its a matter of a few months which does seem just too quick.

My Grandad was widowed when Grandma died in childbirth and mum was 7. Her mum's sister looked after the baby and mum until 18 months later Grandad married again.

Gloria Hunniford was upset after her dd died of cancer and 3 months later he met another woman.
Also met a woman who met a widower only 3 months after his wife died, but his family were actually grateful as he was drinking himself to death in his grief and loneliness and she saved him. < no young children involved>

Mum's younger female cousin was widowed at 39 with 2 DC aged 7 and 10..
She did meet a man some time later but decided not to live with him until DC were adults and off to uni.
He died too some years later and then she married another, who died in his 80s a few years ago. She is in her 80s, but living alone now.

I have a few friends who lost their mothers at a young age; in 2 cases the dad was in a committed relationship with someone else within 6 months and one of the SMs insisted the DC went to boarding school. In both cases it was pretty disastrous and my friends effectively lost both parents.

Another friend has quietly acquired a girlfriend in the 3 years since his wide died. They meet once a month or so, holiday together etc but don't live together. This is much easier for the DCs to deal with.

On one hand, I think, if he is happy then that's great, life is too short and you should grab happiness with both hands.

On the other hand, when you are a parent you don't get to be that reckless, well you can, but it can be at a cost.

I would feel concerned about how the children feel, I would also not fancy being the new girlfriend in this scenario either.

I so agree Amber about not wishing to be the new girlfriend in that scenario.

It's completely natural for you to feel as you do but as so many previous posters have said it's no reflection on the depth of his feelings for his wife or his grief for her.

There really is no set time period - it is so different for everyone. I know a couple of men who have started new relationships relatively quickly after being bereaved, one leading to a new marriage and the other to a number of short term relationships.

On the other hand my DH lost his first wife when he was 40, threw himself into work for a couple of years after and then only really started dealing with his grief after that. I was his first (and only!) relationship after this and we got together 4 years after she died. He wasn't ready to move on before but as soon as he was he knew what it was like to lose someone you loved and didn't want to waste a totally unexpected second chance so we were married within 9 months and now have 2 DC.

It's actually very variable. Some people can't cope with being alone; sometimes the death of a partner ends a relationship that was not working out anyway, sometimes the widowed partner is targeted by someone predatory... and sometimes a widow or widower who was happily married happens to meet another nice person who becomes a longterm partner who gets on with the rest of the family too. The OP hasn't stated that her friend's H has moved his new partner into the family home, and he may not have done. He may not, yet, have introduced her to the DC, either. He might just be having some fun and some comfort with someone else, and there's not anything wrong with that. I don't think it's actually length of time post-bereavement that matters anything like so much as how the widowed partner handles it. If s/he goes carefully around the DC and doesn't actually move a new partner in without taking time to establish a relationship between new partner and DC then it can be good for all concerned. But I don't think a widow or widower is under any obligation to put the views of friends and neighbours above his/her own wellbeing and happiness.

Unless you have been in that position you can't judge. I don't think you can if you have- except that you would realise that everyone grieves in their own way.

YANBU. I know a few couples where this has happened, and it does make me feel sad, especially for the children, who see their mother replaced so quickly. It always makes me think of that line in Persuasion when Captain Benwick's fiance has died and he takes up with Louisa (I think) very quickly afterwards, and the fiance's brother says "Poor Fanny! she would not have forgotten him so soon!" Without wanting to judge anyone in that situation, a period of grieving would seem to me to be more decent.

You have no idea what someone is going through. These days you are not held to be grieving unless you publicly show you are grieving.

There are some disgusting posts on here. Just because someone grieves in a different way to how you imagine you would, doesn't make it wrong.

Bereaved people are allowed to smile, to have fun, to laugh, to love. In fact they are often the ones who need it the most!

All this utter shite about "proper grieving periods"? So you think they've stopped grieving do you? You think anyone ever stops grieving the loss of a loved one? Of course they don't. But they do have to keep living.

They're not sodding performing monkeys for you, just because they aren't walking around in a black veil, sobbing and wailing doesn't mean they aren't grieving. Why do so many people assume that only what they personally see is the full picture? It's not.

They might be having dates, and smiling and laughing and enjoying the company of someone they find attractive. So fucking what? They've also lost someone important to them, you begrudge them that? Really?

I think if anything it says more about you and your desire to see others suffering.

Quite exotic

It makes me sad. After my father died lots of people said 'I think your mother is coping brilliantly' - and I thought 'if only you knew what she was really like' but I didn't because she worked so hard to put on the brave face. MurderofGoths is quite right- people are not 'performing monkeys'.

Thinking about it, this awful idea of there being an appropriate time of mourning is what almost cost me my relationship with dad after mum died.

He met someone else 6 months on, and because it's seen by so many that he was moving on too quick, he felt guilty and his way of assuaging that guilt (which he shouldn't have been feeling in the first place) was to go out of his way to get me and my brother's approval.

Problem was, his way of doing so was to try and make us like the new woman as much as he did. Forgetting we were grieving in our own ways. Much as we could accept her as part of his life, we weren't ready to accept her as part of ours.

If he hadn't felt so guilty, maybe he wouldn't have pushed so hard.

My friend got judged. As I said, she went into self destruct mode, was sleeping with different guys and drinking - what people didn't see were the nights she used to line up her pills and try and pluck up the courage to take them.

Would people judge a single parent the same way. If a woman's husband left her and she found someone else quite soon - would that be less terrible?

The OP isn't judging her late friend widow though really, she is just upset and concerned. It is quite normal to feel those emotions :(

leniwhite what a lovely post I do hope you are feeling better too? WOW back from work glass of beer in hand and I've just logged on and read all of your stories and posts..Thank you.

The DD in this situation are 6 & 3 so little ones but someone mentioned that men who are struggling tend to look out for a new wife and this chap has been openly struggling, but he's been asking for help which is great, he has a great support network around family close by.

I feel bad for my friends parents as well, they have lost their daughter recently and now see their grandchildren with another mum?

I feel so different about life and death since she died I've learnt lots about myself and taken risks and pushed my own limites realsied that I take life, DH & my own DS for granted, I'm still so sad about the waste of her loveliness and I'm trying to get to grips with stuff like that - I guess the fact he was moving on so quickly was like a kick in the guts.. I can't explain why. But your posts have all have such different takes and angles it's great and really helped.

We have a very dear friend whose husband died ten years ago. One year later, she met up with her high school sweetheart whose wife had died.

By chance, when each of their spouses died they planted a rose bush. When they moved in together, they transplanted both rose bushes side by side. The bushes have now grown and inter-twined.

For them it has really worked. You can only hope it is the same for your friend.