DH's awful family part 2...

[curiousgeorgie]

So I've started a second thread as requested...

Who would have guessed that they would be so bad as to require more than 1000 posts

OP will be 4wks post CS-and the wedding is a long drive or a flight away.

Don't see how offence could be taken at her not attending tbh.

Well, not by reasonable people who wouldn't think that it's all her "fault" for getting pregnant-selfish woman that she is!!

Hi OP, I have Irish relatives, and the wedding in Ireland is going to be a massive drinking bender for your DH. There's no way he can realistically look after your DD.
(just trying to help you make the decision whether or not to withdraw DD as bridesmaid.)

(And no point saying he doesn't drink much- I guarantee you he will be in the pub from arrival & continue drinking from then!)

What does your DH want to do- go to the -drinking bender- wedding or look after you?

And good luck for the blood tests, your SIL is shocking.
Another vote for your DH might be realising he has a toxic family.
Sympathies.

On the bright side you could write a book/ sit com? Might as well make some £ out of the feckers!

Thank you Thumbwitch and Sugarice!

I've spent ages trying to work out the sign off..

I don't get it either... Can someone PM me?

Oh do f* off dear
Is that it?
Love it!

I read it as....

(name of moaning poster) Oh Do F Off Dear (name of poster)

Georgie I have read (most of) both threads and just want to wish you luck with the new baby, I hope the CMV scare is just a scare, and that your DH protects you from your ILs.

shewhowines

Given that the wedding is 4-6 weeks after a CS birth, I think it is extremely unrealistic to attempt to go to the wedding, regardless of whether she wants to or not.

Passport issued for baby, fat chance of being on time in the middle of summer.

And plenty of medical reasons for georgie not to go. I had a CS and there's no way I'd have gone om georgie's situation, it would have been too hard.

And given that the wedding plans involve georgie's DH being unable to help with baby or toddler, and I think it is beyond a joke if the ILs still expect her to go.

I think you should just smile and agree to everything. Once baby arrives, call them the day before the wedding and say 'sorry, can't make it, doctor couldn't believe i was even thinking about travelling all that way after major surgery and due to the risk of cmv you exposed baby to, they just want to run one more test to make sure she's ok. Sorry!'

or agree to everything and just don't turn up.

I've read both threads too and OMG.

the only thing that I did wonder about was do they the Weddingzillas actually want you at the wedding? Are they trying to put up so many obstacles to push you in to saying thats it I'm not going.

I'm asking as I'm Irish and every wedding I've ever been to both at home and Irish family elsewhere children have played a huge part and a cute toddler and tiny baby would instantly be swooped on and fussed over.

The rest of their behaviour is shocking.
Totally shocking

I mean we're pretty close family but live with any of them again for any time over 2 weeks, not a hope in hell.

Smellslikecatspee - a cute toddler and tiny baby would instantly be swooped on and fussed over

Sadly, not the best thing for a baby too young to have had even the first vaccinations by the time of the wedding. Although I can see what you're saying in the rest of the post.

Wow, brilliant summation of the situation Tortoiseonthehalfshell.

curiousgeorgie, you could do a lot worse than to print off that post and put it under your husband's nose, to read and ponder upon. ANd maybe to get a little bit angry about ...

" ... but I am actually feeling a tiny bit sorry for your MIL. At the end of the day they have massively put themselves out so that they can host a party for your BIL and SIL, and in return for their trouble and huge expense, they have effectively been told that they are not welcome at BIL and SIL's house."
I personally would call that 'just desserts'. And a teensy bit inevitable; given that PILs have presumably favoured eldest son from the start, he would be almost certain to become selfish and self-absorbed (and found his perfect match in SILzilla). I've read many a thread on MN where the OP was the unfavoured child, and the only one willing to look after the parents one they became in need of help, the favoured children brushing them off faster than dandruff.

Georgie I don't think you can just duck out at the last minute, tbh.

If your DD is due to be a flower girl then a dress will have been ordered etc and her dropping out at the last minute will leave a gap in Bridezilla's SIL's "procession" which could maybe be filled by another little girl.

Now they have treated you appallingly but you don't strike me as the sort of person who would want to cause problems/upset for others if it can be avoided. Also, you probably don't want to give them any excuse to blame you for "ruining SIL/BIL's big day" by DD dropping out at the last minute - and it's clear they would not hesitate to do that.

Better to keep the moral high ground and say a doctor has now advised you against going and, as others have said, it will be best if DD also does not go as DH will be so "busy" getting-pissed-with-Groomzilla. That way they have fair warning and you have done all you can.

Also - are there other pg mums at the groups you go to with SIL, who might be impacted by the CMV? They might need a word of warning....

Another thing that occurred to me - if you and Dh have a house with spare rooms and garden and the older BIL/SIL are in a flat, is there a difference in earnings/living standards that can explain some of their attitude (jealousy?) towards you?

Not saying it's right/justified btw - just wondering whether it contributes to general twattishness....

Personally i learnt the hard way never to type on mumsnet what you would not be prepared to say to someone in person. Anyone knowing you or inlaws could probably fairly easily identify you now, i would check over the thread and make sure you are happy that they know you feel this way. If so then carry on, but please remember however awful these people may be, they are your dh's kin and he probably loves them. I know you and the kids are his priority and he loves you most but it could be really awful fallout. Simple is often best.

Hurah Tortoiseonthehalfshell

Agree print that off and stick it under his nose, although I do feel for him, he has been brain washed and has stockholm syndrome.

Do not expect any of them to set any standards for you. You set your own standards. They are all caught up in this wedding, no one is thinking about you ( clearly) YOu have to think for YOU.

Personally I think it's maddness to try to do the journey, you have good reasons not too that don't involve you saying "I don't want to come to yoru wedding" that any other time of year it would look like.

You can say you think it's unlikely you'll be able to travel, no way you'll be able to do 15 hours in the car so it would have to be a flight, and if you are fit to travel, highly unlikely you'll get a passport for your DC in time. That if your DC comes early so you have time to sort out the passport and recover, you'll take a decision then, but it's best to plan on you and DD not being there, and possibly think about if DH is able to go (if you are too ill to travel, you might be too ill to be left) so best you give them lots of warning now to find someone else to take on the best man role. Lots of, "of course we'll try but thought best to give you lots of warning".

While it might be tempting to tell them to stuff it, this is the best way to manage the long term relationship with your PIL, BIL & SIL - you will be their family for a long time. this way you are too ill to travel and your DH is needed to look after the older DD so can't travel either - not a snub you can be slagged off for. Oh they will might still call you, but the public face will have to be "Curious had only just had a baby and they couldn't travel".

I also have a tricky SIL, I had to explain to DH that while it was tempting to tell his brother's wife where to go more than once, by making sure we are seen to be polite and behaving nicely, long term it helps reduce the stress. It is perfectly reasonable not to put yourself out for them, but do it in a way that can't be criticised - it's not that you don't want to go because they potentially infected you with something that could damage your child, it's that you can't. Can't is harder to complain about with out looking entitled yourself than won't.

"While it might be tempting to tell them to stuff it, this is the best way to manage the long term relationship with your PIL, BIL & SIL"

But it's also how such people keep acting as they do-and getting away with it-because no one just says-no-I can't/won't do that.

They tiptoe around saying maybe if x, perhaps if y...!

Curious, stay home and go to the post wedding party at your in laws renovated property - simples
Just don't let the wedding sideline re original issue of where they stay whole the work is being done

I said about half way through the last thread (way before the CMV came to light) that I would probably be most pissed off with SIL about the whole thing and I still stand by that.

I definitely wouldn't go to the wedding. On the off chance that you are forced to go for some reason, passports aren't actually required to fly to Ireland. Some airlines like Ryan Air insist on them, but Aer Lingus just wants photo ID which matches up with what customs/immigration wants. You would more than likely get through with just your ID and maybe a birth cert - I'm sure Aer Lingus or the Irish border authority would be happy to clarify this for you.

As for the CMV - I doubt you'll have caught it unless you were being very friendly with the in laws (which I doubt you were) or sharing their cutlery. It's almost up there with STDs for its difficulty to catch.

Why is your DH going? In the circumstances and given his family's actions he should stay at home and look after you and the DC!

Not that I think you're unreasonable in your opinions, but this threads has gone on so long that actually it has become unreasonable. I know you didn't like your in-laws mentioning your mum negatively, how would your DH feel reading this? It makes me feel uncomfortable to think that, what has become our entertainment, has stirred things up out of all proportion.

I hadn't heard of CMV until this thread and I've had two children. It was in no literature and not on the midwives' list of things to warn me about... is there the smallest chance that your SIL didn't realise the potential danger?

I can't even really see your PILs as 'evil' their original crime was to assume they'd be welcome at yours and didn't think through your impending baby and housemove very well... sometimes you need to point out the bleeding obvious, it doesn't make them evil.

Sounds like the whole family has it's fair share of crazy times ahead in May-July, and I think there's always room for understanding, and compromise.

How it reads to me, as someone who only read this thread last night, is a few incidents where someone(s) have been unreasonable and your DH being a bit slow in understanding your stress at the thought of it all, and perhaps, you not saying right at the beginning "This is not going to happen".

I don't understand how it's got to the stage of calling them evil/horrible/selfish/twats. I don't understand the frenzy. I don't think YWBU but I think you are now to let this continue, just as you are your DH's priority, he should be yours, and you've allowed people to rip his family apart on a public forum, where you WILL be easily identifyable to anyone who knows you because of the details of your lives you've given. I would ask for it to be removed if I were you, for your DH's sake.

Do what you're comfortable doing, nothing more. Good luck with the new baby and house move, I don't think you're a bad person at all, and agree with much of what has been said, but I think if any of your in-laws saw this they would be justifiable upset and angry, because they have no right of reply. x