DH's awful family part 2...

[curiousgeorgie]

So I've started a second thread as requested...

Who would have guessed that they would be so bad as to require more than 1000 posts

[curiousgeorgie]

Thanks, you're very informed!

I just keep reading how low the chance is that I would actually have it, and then how low the risk is of passing it to the baby etc and sticking to that.

It was such a trial to get pregnant in the first place, I have to just believe that it's going to be okay or I'll drive myself mad.

I'm so so angry with SIL in particular, as I spend such a lot of time with her at different baby & toddler things that she a) had a million opportunities to tell me and b) should have known how important it would be to tell me.

I actually can't believe she hasn't sent me a message, or apologised, or even enquired about the blood test. But Nothing.

[Andro]

I am beyond words...

OP, you have the in-laws from hell!

[LilyAmaryllis]

You CANNOT go to the wedding! (You're not going, are you?) DH can go on his own. You will be very happy and relieved at home, with DD and baby. Please tell SIL and BIL you and DD aren't going

[Loulybelle]

That should tighten your resolve, to say screw you to the lot of them, they could have put you and your baby at serious risk, and PIL are no better.

Telling you to stop TTC
Practically try and force you to have PIL at what will be a difficult time
Put you and your baby at risk
Completely disregard your health and feelings

You to need to be done with these people, they are serious, first class, selfish buttholes.

[SergeantSnarky]

Oh and if MIL claims you are exaggerating the risks direct her to this website please

www.stopcmv.org/en/

and tell her to read the stories - her NOT you. Yes it is more common in the States and yes it is quite rare but some of the stories are utterly heartbreaking and will act as more of a wake-up call to SIL and MIL than a wiki entry or nhs page can convey.

[CSIJanner]

I remember your post about the request to out off TTC for the due date and was then!

The fact that you had to see a consultant to get this far shows how little you pare down on the bridezilla's list, ut also more to the point, how far down you are on the PIL's as they're completely renovating for the bride and groomzilla's reception. The silence to your DH's text is deafening. Time to cut the toxic family out, wait for them to realise that the world doesn't circle around a wedding and see if they want to build a healthy relationship with their son's wife and family, specially as BIL & SIL would have been made aware from the hospital.

Just wait! She'll text in two or so days saying her phone was off....again!

[SergeantSnarky]

BUT my lovely, you do right to stick to the odds against. I did the same sweetie and you will tie yourself up in knots otherwise. I know for example that congenital toxoplasmosis might not show up til DC3 is nine FFS if it turned out I had it...sometimes you just have to let go and also have the faith all will be well. Courage to accept the shite we cannot change and all that good stuff.

Have some and some and buy some more baby furniture!
XXX

[HeadfirstForHalos]

I wouldn't be going either. All of their shit aside, you still have a valid reason not to go. If you dh goes (for family harmony) could your mum come and help out? Even when the baby is 6 weeks it could still be daunting to be left alone for 2 days and nights with a newborn and a toddler!

[RenterNomad]

Ohhh, I remember the TTC timing thread!

Your lovely baby has given you the ammunition to blow up the dangerous, unsound bridge(s) linking you to BIL/SIL (at least). They need to invest in any replacement.

(the only investment you might like to make is not declining the wedding now, but doing so once the baby is born, so it at least seems like you were willing, and they will look - and look publicly - like monsters if they object and bully you at that point).

[funnyperson]

I am so so sorry for you. I can see now that the PIL and BIL/SIL to be are emotionally abusive.
To put your unborn baby at risk of congenital cmv by not telling you they had active infection and letting you cuddle their infected child is unforgivable. I wonder if criminal action could be taken against them if your baby should be affected.
I dont think you should go to the wedding. If (v slight chance) your baby is affected you may need to be back in the UK anyway.
My in-laws once 'forgot' to lay a place at top table for me on their 50th wedding anniversary. I said to my MIL I felt a bit odd, and she made PIL himself adjust the place settings to fit me in. They thought I wanted to sit with the DC. We set up a separate little table for DC with their cousins looking after them.
At my wedding my sis and BIL and her little one (months old) were on top table along with my mum and dad and MIL and PIL! So them not putting you on top table is wrong, but could be put right if you end up being able to go. (ie it turns out you are immune to cmv anyway and you get a passport for baby and are fit to travel and so forth)
But DH def shouldn't go on the stag night celebrations and leave you alone to cope. Not unless there are other cousins and so forth being lined up to help you. He can be best man at the ceremony without deserting you on stag night.
I hope your own wedding preparations are progressing. You never mention your own wedding. Who is going to be best man?
How is the packing for your move progressing?

[YeahThatsTheBadger]

My brother got married in Ireland last year and I was bridesmaid. My DC3 was 5 weeks at the time. Not going was not an option for me but in the lead up to the wedding, DB and SIL regularly checked if I was still happy be bridesmaid, if I was still happy to go - they said they didn't want us to be under any pressure.
When they visited the wedding reception venue initially, they loved it but they kept saying that my DC will love it because there's a soft play place at the hotel and a swimming pool - they thought of us and how to make everything easy for us attending the wedding.
DS and I ended up being in hospital for 2 weeks after he was born and my DB and SIL said that if it's too much for us to travel then don't worry, we didn't have to go.

THAT is what your BIL and SIL should be like. Understanding, flexible and caring.

I hope your test results come back all clear and you reach a decision about the wedding that suits you and your family.

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

This is just unbelievable. I mean, I believe you. That's not some weird code for Troll. I just mean...whoah.

So to get this straight:

BIL and SIL are getting married in Ireland. They asked you, living in Surrey, to give up on TTC after finally having seen a specialist, and after several miscarriages which they knew about, so that you would be able to go to the wedding.
Having refused to do so, they now expect you to fly, or drive FIFTEEN hours, with a four week old and after a CS, to attend a wedding where your DH will be expected to spend all his time with them and not you AND HIS NEWBORN BABY AND TWO YEAR OLD.
They've exposed you, knowingly, to a virus which might cause serious health issues in your unborn child, and have not apologised for this, nor enquired after the results of your blood test. Again, after several miscarriages.
They promised to put your PIL up while said PIL renovate their house, and then went back on their word and told PIL that you would do it. Without checking with you.

Your PIL are renovating their ENTIRE house, inside and out, in order to host a reception back in Surrey. And want you to host them, with said newborn and CS, in order to facilitate this.
They've chosen a schedule which specifically means that they need hosting exactly at the same time as your baby is due, and cannot stay elsewhere due to wanting to get to their clubs.
FIL expects to sit on the couch all day watching sports, and insisting on complete silence from your two year old.
They will only babysit, incidentally, if you pay for a Sky Sports package!
They believe that you should send your dog away in order to accommodate them.

Your DH has grown up always being the second best. His parents have expected him to put his brother first in everything, to the extent where he has absorbed this and believes that it is alright to expect his newly post-partum wife to host her in-laws for months (let's face it, it would be months) so that his brother can have a wedding reception - well, post-wedding party, really, isn't it? - in a totally renovated house. His brother's need to have two wedding celebrations trumps his wife's need to recover from an operation and bond with a newborn. Likewise, he seems to feel that it's appropriate to let his post-operative wife deal with a newborn and a two year old, in another country, for two days because his brother has dictated a set number of men-only events that he HAS to attend.

All I can say, OP, is thank goodness you're a strong person with clear boundaries and, I suspect, wonderful parents. Your DH should be thanking his lucky stars that he's with you, because you're the only thing that'll drag him out of this dynamic.

[YeahThatsTheBadger]

Sorry, that reads like I'm saying "my family is great and your in-laws are shit. Ner ner na-ner ner".
I just meant that they shouldn't be putting you under any pressure to go given what your circumstances will be at the time, and with house moving stress and a cs, you and your family should be yours and DH's top priority and you need to do whatever will be best for you.

[Sugarice]

No way should you go, after the way its been assumed you'll just fall into line and do as you're told I'd just refuse. Plus the stress and tiredness of a new baby born after a cs means travelling will be a nightmare.

Have they still not been in touch regarding the virus, not even MiL? What a
bitch .

[Polgara2]

I am speechless Georgie! No one should have to put up with all that. I would have nothing more to do with any of them tbh.

[AllOverIt]

Have you told them you're not going OP?

[ZillionChocolate]

Awful! I like the idea of talking to the aunt. If she's going to the wedding and you don't, she might exiles explain why you aren't there.

[Thumbwitch]

Hi Georgie - just read both threads all the way through and am beyond gobsmacked at how bloody awful they're all being!

I hope you have sorted out the housing of PIL issue to your satisfaction - I actually had my MIL stay with me for the birth of DS1, because my own mum had died while I was still pg and I thought it would be nice for MIL to be there for help etc.
I got on very well with MIL so didn't think it would be too problematic - and in fairness it wasn't that bad - except for my reactions to stuff, probably hormonal.

She came 2w before DS1 was born (he was 2w overdue) so the first 2 weeks were a lot of waiting around the house - luckily she had 2 SILs living in my town who could take her out and amuse her, as I wasn't up to much. DH pissed me off by telling me I should do more to entertain her - but that was him, not her.
She overhelps too but so long as I stayed out of the kitchen, it didn't bother me. She actually did loads in terms of being helpful, but it didn't stop me wanting to fight her off my baby with a sharp stick whenever she held him for more than 2 minutes! I had problems with bf'ing because he had a tongue tie, so spent a lot of time in bed with him - and got told again to do more to entertain MIL - DH got very short shrift about that!
In the end, it was ok and we didn't fall out but only because she was very understanding about my hormonal moodiness and because I kept my mouth clamped shut so I never said the things I was thinking, like "DON'T call him a bloody pork chop!" "STOP clapping him on the bum so hard it shakes his head!" and various other things that made me itch to grab him back off her.

If she had been any less understanding or more demanding, we would have fallen out completely, I'm sure.

CMV, btw, you may have had without knowing - approx 50% of the adult population will have CMV antibodies in their blood without ever having known they had caught the infection. Fingers crossed, however, that everything is fine - but that would be the end of my willingness to do any thing for BIL, SIL et al. Selfish fuckers.

As for the wedding, Fuckem all! Don't go. Bloody hell.

[auntpetunia]

Oh it gets worse I hadn't realised you where the "don't conceive OP ". They really are something else. And as for the wedding plans....er not happening DH need for 2 day's without you being included? A wedding lasts 1 hour 2 if it's full Catholic jobby ?that's how long your DH should be away, OK maybe for an hour before the wedding as well, but after that he should be with you for photos, meal etc. These people are unbelievable!

Have they always put BILs needs before your DHs? Why hasn't DH just said no .

[Thumbwitch]

Oh yes, Auntie J ROCKS!

[thelittlestkiwi]

Georgie- I hope DH is behind you. His family are behaving like toddlers who are testing their boundaries. Where ever you set them, they pull push and demand more.

Time to redraw the boundaries. I would not go to the wedding as it will just be far too much for you to handle. Don't they realise you are having major surgery?

Also, I'm concerned that they may expose other women to the CMV. Has anyone spoken to them about exposing you? It's really so, so out of order. Plus it's a good excuse to give them a bollocking.

[kitbit]

No! Send DH to the wedding and stay at home with your dds and lovely Mum. Calm, peaceful recovery and bonding time. Bollocks to the PIL they don't give a shit.

[sashh]

Good grief.

I've just gone through the other thread, reading your posts, not the replies, sorry.

OP, first of all, have a hug.

This is your home, tell PIL to hire a caravan and park it on their drive.

Don't go to the wedding unless you want to.

You need to think about you and your family. Who in their right mind decides to go stay with someone after major surgery?

You will do fine for 2 days without your DH. I'm sure someone on MN who lives locally could pop in with a meal or just to hand hold.

[Gingerodgers]

They'll be divorced before the years out anyway!.....heeheee

[YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch]

Jees, I've followed this from the beginning but every time I tried to post my jaw hit the keyboard as some new madness appeared.

Georgie, you have shown such dignity and you and your family have been treated so appallingly, I cannot believe you'd still even contemplate attending SIL's "look at me" day.

I am really hoping that your poor dh finds the strength somewhere to tell them to stuff their invite. They have endangered your baby for no reason. They have treated you all like second hand citizens.

He does not have to be the best man. He can be the best husband and father instead. And stay with the people who value him first and foremost.

What a bunch of bastards.