DH's awful family part 2...

[curiousgeorgie]

So I've started a second thread as requested...

Who would have guessed that they would be so bad as to require more than 1000 posts

[teejwood]

Hearts it becomes clear when you separate the first three letters from the remainder, until you get to Tigga

[glenthebattleostrich]

hmm, strike out fail, sorry!

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Oh I might have it.

OP I'm really sorry you're going through all this. I think you're doing the right thing though. We went to my SIL's wedding in Canada when DD2 was 12 weeks old (also C section) and it was so, so hard even though I had huge amounts of support from my parents, PILs and DH. I can't imagine going through that for people who don't care about you and aren't supportive!

[BaronessBomburst]

HeartsTrumpsDiamonds Have pm'd you.

[blackeyedsusan]

oops me too... baroness.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Thank you to everyone who put me out of my misery!

Tigga your sign-offs are always so clever

[dinkystinky]

Your inlaws are unbelievable.

I dont think 15 hours driving - and ferry journey - with a newborn is remotely reasonable to ask you to undertake - never mind the toddler! As for asking you to delay TTC and not warning you about the CMV... words fail me!

I wouldnt send a snotty email - I'd just say that given the current health concerns for the baby and yourself, you're unable to attend and as there is so much planned for DH on the adult activities, he will attend alone while DD stays home with you and the baby. And get the sole voice of reason - the aunt - on side too.

[xigris]

I have baby brain to be fair I actually had it before DCs please can someone tell me what Tigga's sign off means? . Go Team Georgie!!!

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I did travel about 9 hours total by train, with 2-year-old ds1 and 5 week old ds2, to go to my best friend's wedding - but dh was hugely helpful and supportive, as was everyone else I came across at the wedding, including my friend and her husband. But if I had said I couldn't face all that travelling, they would have been sorry I wasn't there, but would have completely understood. Oh, and I hadn't had a CS.

As a former nurse, I can think of nothing I would recommend less than a 15 hour journey, mainly by car, for someone less than 6 weeks post-op following abdominal surgery, let alone someone who has also got to cope with a newborn and a toddler.

[ThisIsMummyPig]

OK, I don't think you should go to the wedding, but I am actually feeling a tiny bit sorry for your MIL. At the end of the day they have massively put themselves out so that they can host a party for your BIL and SIL, and in return for their trouble and huge expense, they have effectively been told that they are not welcome at BIL and SIL's house.

I think they need to turn round to SIL and say "If you don't put us up, then we cant get the rennovations done on time, and you will have to do without your party."

This really has nothing to do with you. It is their problem, and they should sort it. However, I can see your DH's point of view that his parents seem to get treated badly.

I wouldn't go to that wedding if my DD2 was anything under a year old, and probably not then.

[VikingLady]

I travelled on public transport (train and taxi) to get to DB's wedding in the middle of nowhere 5w after EMCS. DH carried DD all day, apart from very frequent feeds. He fussed over me all day as I had trouble doing a lot for myself, and I don't have any other children!

Seriously, don't go!

[curiousgeorgie]

The renovations weren't solely for the party. BIL & SIL live in a flat and don't have a garden / a lot of space so asked if they could have the party at PIL..

MIL said she was happy to do it, but was embarrassed about the state of the bathroom and kitchen as they badly needed doing... FIL said they could get them done as the party was a good excuse, they also badly needed to have the house rewired and because of the decoration required after that it sort of spiralled from there.

The renovations are a great idea. PIL's house was so so dated and nothing had really been done for maybe 30 years.

It's just that in the initial conversation of saying ' you should have all this work done at once while you can' BIL & SIL were very quick to say 'and stay with us... We insist etc. '

[Sugarice]

Bil and Sil are arses and the source of all the friction.

Have they always displayed tendencies of 'I'm alright Jack'.

Is your dh the younger brother by any chance?

[Lancelottie]

I'm sure then that BIL, SIL and PIL will love sharing the small flat AND the wedding preparations with your SIL's mother.

Call it family bonding time for them all.

Mind you, if SIL's Mum is only coming over from Ireland why does she need to stay for more than a weekend? I'd imagined it must be Australia at the least! !

[Oogerbooger]

Shameless place marking!

Georgie well done for putting your foot down.

Thanks for the poster above's recommendation for the Toxic Inlaws book - my BF has horrendous inlaws (afraid to say that they are even worse than the OPs!) and I may get this book for her :)

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

Do get your dh on your side over the wedding. Make him see that this is a beautiful opportunity to show both you and them, that you are more important to him than they are.

"We've taken medical advice and realised that we can't come to your wedding. You've lots of lovely friends though so I'm sure you'll have no problems finding another bridesmaid and best man and mug to be ignored on the pleb table."

There is, or course, a chance of a huge family rift here. But I can only see that as a good thing for you, dh, and your dcs. And there doesn't have to be a rift - that will be their choice, not yours. As long as you don't respond to the drama, you can enjoy the peace and they may eventually realise they are the ones missing out.

[Lancelottie]

See, I wouldn't do that, Bertha. DH would feel shit about doing that to his brother, and I don't think he deserves the flak.

I'd put the ball in their court: 'We've taken medical advice and Georgie won't be able to come to the wedding, so DH will be in sole charge of DD if she still comes. Would you rather they both took a smaller role, or DH came alone, as the current plans won't be possible*?'

*get your mum over to help you meanwhile, Georgie -- she sounds great!

[ThatBintAgain]

Caught up now. The wedding sounds hideous, feck that for a game of soldiers.

In addition to the excellent Toxic Parents book I recommend your DH reads this. Hopefully it might trigger some sort of awakening.

[curiousgeorgie]

Sugarice - My DH is the younger brother...

SIL's mum is coming for the month because she doesn't come over very often and they have lots to do for the wedding apparently. She's never come for so long before, she came the night SIL had her baby and went home 2 days later... So to hear she was coming for a month seemed a little odd!

[diddl]

I agree that the husband should still go to his siblings wedding if he wants.

But only if it won't impact on OP.

[diddl]

Thank you!!

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Me too diddl everyone PM'd me and I feel v popular.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Georgie I don't quite get why SIL's mum is coming to England when the wedding is in Ireland. Surely it would make more sense for SIL to go to Ireland to plan her Irish wedding and take care of details there??

Although things have presumably changed a ton in the wedding planning arena since I did it 12 years ago... t'internet must make life a lot easier.

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

Georgie's dh probably would feel shit, but I think he is probably feeling that anyway.

The brother in question is the one who told the PIL that they were welcome to stay at Georgie's house for a month just after her cs, and who has just knowingly put their unborn baby's life in danger. And hasn't yet thought to apologise for either act.

It would probably be better for the sibling relationship in the long run if he (Georgie's dh) could refuse the wedding, rather than continue to be a doormat and allow his brother to treat him so badly, with no consequences.

[shewhowines]

Please remember Op that when this thread finishes, everybody who has posted will go back to their own lives and you will be the one living the consequences.

It is right that you shouldn't go to the wedding, however just because it is right, doesn't mean that it is necessarily the best thing to do. Only you know the impact of all this, on your DH and subsequently your relationship with him.

What does he think you should do?

Together you need to work out the best way to tackle these selfish people. They should not be allowed to walk over you, however it is worth swallowing some of your own feelings (to an extent) for the sake of DH. Only you guys between you, know where you COULD realistically draw the line whilst minimising the impact, even though it is very easy for us as a bunch of strangers, to tell you where you SHOULD draw the line.
You could easily get carried away with the support of us validating your (correct) feelings but think how it will be afterwards for you all.

Hope it all works out for you all and the test results are good.