To consider asking dh to move out because of his smoking?

[crazylady77]

I know. Contentious. But I am open to all opinions as am at the end of my tether now.

Background - Me - don't smoke, never have.

Dh - smoked when we got together, gave up for ages, started again after a few years and has been smoking on and off, mainly on, ever since. Only at work, never around me or kids, in fact never even appears to want to unless he's at work.

I hate it. He has a family history that should make him give up immediately. He has 2 ds. It smells and i don't want him near me when he's been smoking, I worry for the dc future, I worry he'll get ill and ultimately die early. It pisses me off that he spends money we haven't got on fags. It really pisses me off that he will lie about whether he's been smoking despite the very obvious give away smell.

So home tonight from work, stinks and I've seen red. Does this whole 'I know' face, says he's trying to stop, all the usual, and mostly I try to be understanding of the fact it's a tough habit to kick. But in my mind if he wanted to, he would. People do. He's given up before. I hate him for not trying, for what feels like a total disregard of my feelings on it and for not wanting to do the best for our sons.

I feel I need to just tell him to go, to take some time out and decide what he's going to do because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me feel like this. In every other respect he's fab - we have a great relationship and he's a brilliant father. But this has been an issue for years and I'm done with having the same arguments.

So, AIBU? Hit me with it....

So because you are afraid he will die and leave you alone, you'll throw him out and split up with him and be alone?
How will you explain to the children? Oh well daddy has done it for years, and only does it at work and where we can't see, and has tried to stop but just can't so I have told him to leave and he doesn't live here anymore. Mummy doesn't love Daddy anymore because he won't do what she says.
Go for it

You are joking, aren't you?

If not, of course YABU.

YABU.

Yabu. You knew he smoked.

We have a great relationship, He is a brilliant father

You are joking right?

YABU.

not only are you BU but your also a bit of a crank

YABU.

Is it worth getting him one of those e-cigs (you can get disposable ones for about a fiver). It's no different to nicotine patches really and at least takes all the carcinogenic crap out of the equation.

Well I can understand how you feel because I was in your situation and smoking was one of the reasons ex h andI did split up as I absolutely couldn't stand it when he started again.

However, it was very much the straw that broke the camels back... how is the rest of your relationship ?

Yab ridiculous.
Why get together with a smoker in the first place as you feel so strongly? Did you not discuss this before you had dc?

Dh - smoked when we got together You knew he was a smoker, i'm sorry but YABU

In every other respect he's fab - we have a great relationship and he's a brilliant father.

rather odd to leave him over him smoking 'at work' it's not like he's sitting on your knee doing it

major strikeout fail :)

Let it be. Just let it be.

I find there is sometimes a bit of hysteria where smoking is concerned.

YABU if this is the only reason for your discontent.

YABU.

Of course YABU! He needs to give up when HE decides to. If he's not smoking around you or DC then I don't see your problem tbh. Yes it's bad for him - BUT HE KNOWS THAT!

Sorry Op YABU

I know you're going to get massively flamed for this, generally because smokers (and ex-smokers) get really defensive about it when non-smokers say anything even mildly negative about cigarettes.
YANBU in principle, but you are a little bit, in reality

It took a long, hard battle and me threatening to throw DP out before I could get him to stop smoking in the bathroom, and he still does it when he thinks I won't notice or cba to go outside . It's disgusting.

At least your DH doesn't smoke indoors or around your kids, just cling to that. If he doesn't want to stop, he won't, not even for you or the children, and you're just going to make all of you miserable trying to stop him.

Nobody is perfect OP, if this is his only fault

I wouldn't have gone out with someone who smoked in the first place, so I am not terrible objective.

I would also think that if he couldn't give up for the sake of his family then he's a bit weak.

Of course YABU Do you have no vices? I wouldn't be saying you are unreasonable if he smoked in the house, but if he doesn't even smoke anywhere near you or your DC, yes you are definitely being unreasonable.

< not at all hysterical>

I've been a smoker and a non smoker.

Ask him to read the Allen Carr book. that's all he has to do. He doesn't have to give up, just read the book. he can smoke whilst he's reading it (obv not in the house!), then leave the rest to him.

My DH had a football season when I met him and still does. I bloody hate it but it comes with the packaging. He is great in every respect so I cut him some slack. Not quite the same as smoking, but if they do it when you meet them, you can't move the goalposts (pardon the pun).

I read through your post with sympathy. My mother smoked and as a result I find smoking absolutely disgusting, to the extent that I cannot get past it when I meet someone. In your place I would never have got together with your DP (unhelpful I know).

I dont think you really are saying to leave him forever but saying "throw him out" as a way of giving him a shock and letting him know the strength of your feelings. I do think there are better ways to do this - he sounds like a pretty good DP in other ways so he should be able to listen and understand how strongly you feel about it.

So YANBU to feel so strongly about his smoking - I would feel the same. But do I think you can find a better way of getting him to see your POV and start making a plan together than throwing him out.

Thank you for all the replies. Yes, really . I knew this would get me a good flaming, although the personal insults are a little unnecessary.

I'm not joking, this really is getting me down. I understand all the YABU cries and of course the last thing I want is to split up over this. I'm a rational and intelligent enough person to know that making a decision on the basis of smoking seems crazy and to be avoided at all costs. Ordinarily we do discuss it all but perhaps years of being promised that each week is a new start is wearing a bit thin so tonight has been the proverbial 'straw' . I will ask him to have a look at the suggestions that have been made.