To consider asking dh to move out because of his smoking?

[crazylady77]

I know. Contentious. But I am open to all opinions as am at the end of my tether now.

Background - Me - don't smoke, never have.

Dh - smoked when we got together, gave up for ages, started again after a few years and has been smoking on and off, mainly on, ever since. Only at work, never around me or kids, in fact never even appears to want to unless he's at work.

I hate it. He has a family history that should make him give up immediately. He has 2 ds. It smells and i don't want him near me when he's been smoking, I worry for the dc future, I worry he'll get ill and ultimately die early. It pisses me off that he spends money we haven't got on fags. It really pisses me off that he will lie about whether he's been smoking despite the very obvious give away smell.

So home tonight from work, stinks and I've seen red. Does this whole 'I know' face, says he's trying to stop, all the usual, and mostly I try to be understanding of the fact it's a tough habit to kick. But in my mind if he wanted to, he would. People do. He's given up before. I hate him for not trying, for what feels like a total disregard of my feelings on it and for not wanting to do the best for our sons.

I feel I need to just tell him to go, to take some time out and decide what he's going to do because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me feel like this. In every other respect he's fab - we have a great relationship and he's a brilliant father. But this has been an issue for years and I'm done with having the same arguments.

So, AIBU? Hit me with it....

I guess you weren't "open to all opinions"

I think the only reason my dp gave up on the E cigs is because his mates kept going on about how crap they were etc.But they honestly arnt.He done really well with them and they don't stink which is a bonus

Yes, I cut down and then eventually gave up using the E.Cig.

Brilliant invention.

I really feel for you op.

I can't stand smoking. Hate the smell, to the point that I would cross the road if I saw a smoker on the same side as me.

I don't want to breathe in someones fumes, and I certainly wouldn't want my children to either. I couldn't live with a smoker, no way.

Makes no difference that he doesn't do it in the house, the stink lingers.

YANBU

I actually understand very well where the OP is coming from, having quit smoking myself and still living with smoker DH who can't seem to be able to quit himself.

He is an adult who makes his own decisions. I knew he was a smoker when I met him, just like the OP. He doesn't smoke in the house or anywhere near the DC, like OP's husband.

If I were to consider breaking up our family because DH smokes, I would BU and such a post on MN would arguably make me look slightly unhinged, since most rational adults wouldn't put their DC through the trauma of parental separation because their otherwise wonderful OHs smell, spend some money on something they don't approve, or willingly increase their chances of future illness.

I've felt like this about my smoking dh. Who has told me over and over again how he will give up 'when/after x' but hasn't made a real attempt for over 20 years. His mother died from a smoking related disease when she was only 50 and it has had a huge affect on their family so he knows what he is potentially doing to me and his children but it's just not enough to make him do anything about it.

As his partner there is nothing I can do to stop him, or even help him to stop. I know it is a terrible addiction, but when I hear his smokers cough in the morning (a recent phenomenon, but again not enough to make him take any action) I do feel the rage.

Yes he smoked when I first met him (always thought Id never ever date a smoker, but that's love for you) but back then I actually believed him when he said he'd quit. Lots of people do, it's obviously perfectly possible for them, so why not him?

I've told him I won't be at his bedside when he's dying, but I'm sure I will be, along with his children who also really really can't understand why the hell he can't stop. But then I suspect that dh doesn't know that either.

Not everyone who smokes will die of smoking-related illness.

same as WorraLiberty. Recommend the E cigs. Some people stay on them long term, some people use them as a way of giving up, each to their own, i suppose.

Hmm. Are you sure this is just about the fags?

The problem is that you knew about the smoking when you met. If he suddenly started smoking out of the blue when you were already married it would be different. I wouldn't want to be with a smoker, dh doesn't smoke but his mother does , he goes to hers on Sundays to help a little and when he gets back I just can't stand to hug him until he has scrubbed his hair etc in the shower. The smell just turns my stomach - I assume it doesn't yours otherwise you would never have started a relationship with him in the first place. He is being stupid but ultimately it would be a shame to end a relationship that was already established.

Another one here who is an ex smoker. At the moment you are both dug in, by the sound of it. Please try to help him rather than simply be critical. I found giving up quite scary as I had no idea what it would be like - it helped enormously that DH was delighted, supportive and no pressure (even though he loathes smoking). Like masses of others, I'd wholeheartedly endorse and support the Alan Carr book - it completely transformed my thinking.

Yanbu. I can see and understand why you are so fed up with the lies, the deception and the selfish irresponsibility your husband exhibits. Smoking is foul. Blackened, charred lungs of the damned. What's to fucking like?

What's to 'like' about any addiction?

It's not about liking it's about empathy, understanding and support.

If he's to stand a chance in hell of kicking it.

Oh I've given and given to my dh to try and help him beat the addiction, and it makes no difference at all. Just makes me feel even worse when he doesn't even last out the day because try as I might my hopes do get raised.

I recognise now that he will only give up when he wants to, and my feelings on the matter are frankly irrelevant. I try very hard not to talk about his smoking because after over 20 years we both know where we stand and it's just too painful/pointless to talk about really.

Also it is very hard to empathise, because fundamentally I really don't understand why he smokes as to me it's a disgusting habit that brings no benefits. I know it's highly addictive, but I also know many people that have successfully given up, so I know it's possible. I'd sympathise a lot more if he actually tried, but it's all manana really. Like the OP it's the not trying that really really bugs me.

I think the two key points are that he was a smoker when the OP met him and doesn't smoke in the house - I think if the opposite were true on both these, OP would be getting entirely different responses. It does seem odd to have such a strong reaction now when he smoked initially. I wonder if becoming a mum has changed your perspective on this and made the smoking move from being an irritation to some sort of attack on the family.

I do still think YABU but that is mainly because the goalposts have been moved for your DH. I am obese and have been since I was 18 months old, my wedding photos show that I am exactly the same size now as 15 years ago. Like your DH I make stringent efforts to not endanger the family with my addiction by ensuring that our DS is slim and sporty. If my DH started wanting to end the marriage on the basis that I have failed to beat my food addiction I would be entitled to point at my wedding photos and ask who my husband thought he was marrying.

"Not everyone who smokes will die of smoking-related illness."

No, but the percentage of people who do is too high. This is interesting.

I don't think you can solve this by focusing on yourself & your wants, if you really want him to quit you have to help him, nagging him and arguing about it will only drive him further away into smokey land. As he is mainly smoking at work stress could be a cause so look for other ways for him to de-stress such as sports.

I do suspect that in years to come we will find that a very wide range of illnesses are caused or exacerbated by smoking. It isnt just lung cancer and emphysema. Already many other cancers are being linked to smoking.

At the moment I suspect that there are still strong commercial pressures to minimise the effects that smoking have whether as a cause or an accelarent of many diseases. Logic tells me that spending large parts of one's day in deliberately breathing in toxic smoke is unlikely to be healthy.

YANBU to want your DH to give this up for his own sake and also for his familiy's.

YABU - and I say that as someone who has never smoked.

He was a smoker when you met him, he doesn't do it in your home or around the DC's, but he is his own person and will have to give up when he's ready to.

And I really do understand how you feel about his health - my mum always smoked and I spent my entire childhood begging her to give up. She finally managed it 6 years ago when my DD was 2yo.

If I'm honest, it rankles that she couldn't give it up for me but did for her grandchild, but I know really that it was just the right time for her, and if you want to inspire your DH, she did it cold turkey after 47 years of being a smoker!

YABU. There's no empathy there. Smoking is a serious addiction. A heroin user I knew said it was far more difficult to give up smoking, than heroin.

Different techniques work for different addicts. Some like the brainwashing technique employed by Allen Carr types, that just say the same thing over and over again until you're browbeaten into submission - or, if you're me, you throw the book into the far corner of the room in disgust and shout things like, 'I HAVE AN IQ HIGHER THAN A VEGETABLE'.

E-cigarettes may work for some, who wish to perpetuate the addiction itself without having the carcinogens etc associated with smoking, but of course that's ignoring the fact that nicotine is a pesticide. It's poison. E-cigarettes are, for me, like going on a diet but keeping your hand in the cookie jar and only eating the white chocolate chip ones. Oooookay.

I started smoking when I was 20. I smoked 40 'real' cigarettes a day for a year, then dropped to 20 rollies a day for the next seven years. Last year I became pregnant and had to stop smoking. Seven months later and I still feel like I'm grieving for what I've lost. I still get that panicky feeling. I don't like being around people who smoke. I still have dreams about smoking, although recently for the first time in a dream I actually turned a fag down, so maybe I'm getting somewhere. I told my DH I'd take up smoking again once the baby is x months old, to which he replied, 'no you can't, you'll get it all over the baby'. I said no I won't, I'll have a smoking coat, I'll only smoke outside (only ever smoked outside anyway) and entertained visions of a lovely tall cold glass of champagne and a lovely lovely fag to go with it, but he was appalled and said I couldn't start again. I guess when they tell you "it's only for 9 months, what's the problem?" they're lying their faces off. Being without smoking has been excrutiating.

If my DH had threatened to kick me out, I would have gone happily, and had a fag down the path as I was going. It's an addiction. One that is often taken lightly by society, but it is an addiction, a serious one. A high percentage of smokers find it practically impossible to quit, but many succeed, with effort and support. I can guarantee the support didn't include their partners kicking them out.

I could have written every word of that op! I hate hate hate smoking. I can't even put it into words how much I hate it.

He gave up when we had DC1 and I was so proud of him. But then I found cigarettes and when I asked him about them, he lied anyway, he gave up again and two days ago I found a filter on the floor and so I called him bluff and said 'I know you've been smoking so just admit it' which he did. I haven't spoken to him since Sunday. More because he lied when I asked him if he had any cigarettes since last time.

I know it's his decision/his life but I worry about him so much. I have anxiety problems and I just can't stop thinking about him dying all the time.

I have also thought about leaving him over it because I don't want my DC around smoke. I was thinking of starting this same thread. So even though we are both BU, I can totally sympathise with you.

To everyone that will read this and think, 'well why get together with him in the first place' well I was 18 when we met and had no idea we would stay together and end up having 2 DC!

'To everyone that will read this and think, 'well why get together with him in the first place' well I was 18 when we met and had no idea we would stay together and end up having 2 DC!'

Someone put a gun to your head and forced you to date a smoker, stay with one, and have sex with them? If not, you chose to stay with him.

You hate, hate, hate it and yet still snogged him, lived with him, etc? Couldn't have hated it that much.

I despise drug use. There is NO way I would ever stay with someone who used them, no matter what, it would be a dealbreaker. I certainly wouldn't stick around for another kid with them.

Doesn't really matter if YABU or YANBU. This is one of those things where a rational decision won't come into it.

Of course, on paper, it's utterly ludicrous to leave a wonderful husband and father for the simple reason that he smokes when he is away from home.

However, if it really invokes such a visceral and negative reaction in you, eventually you will have to leave him anyway, because that reaction will simply overpower your feelings of love and his positive points.

When it comes to affairs of the heart, most people weigh up the pros and cons logically and then do exactly what they feel like doing .

My mum died of lung cancer....she never smoked in her life.

YABU - as an ex smoker (stopped 20 years ago) I can tell you, you can only give up if YOU want to...not because someone else wants you to or even if you feel you should, you have to really really want to.

He only lies about it because he knows you are going to give him a hard time about it.

I think that while smoking is definitely not ideal, it's a 'vice' isn't it and an addictive one at that. I do feel though that it's his choice yet it is scapegoated as the bad habit to end all bad habits. I personally am more concerned with people who regularly get drunk for example, and some people would be concerned if their partners were obese.

People will say that these things aren't comparable, but they are. No, it's not great, but as long as he isn't exposing you and the children to the smoke I don't think that it's fair to consider ending the relationship over it when he's otherwise great. And FWIW, smoking isn't necessarily a death sentence. I know plenty of smokers who have lived to a grand old age. And of course, it is a risk - but there are many, many risks aren't thee.