To consider asking dh to move out because of his smoking?

[crazylady77]

I know. Contentious. But I am open to all opinions as am at the end of my tether now.

Background - Me - don't smoke, never have.

Dh - smoked when we got together, gave up for ages, started again after a few years and has been smoking on and off, mainly on, ever since. Only at work, never around me or kids, in fact never even appears to want to unless he's at work.

I hate it. He has a family history that should make him give up immediately. He has 2 ds. It smells and i don't want him near me when he's been smoking, I worry for the dc future, I worry he'll get ill and ultimately die early. It pisses me off that he spends money we haven't got on fags. It really pisses me off that he will lie about whether he's been smoking despite the very obvious give away smell.

So home tonight from work, stinks and I've seen red. Does this whole 'I know' face, says he's trying to stop, all the usual, and mostly I try to be understanding of the fact it's a tough habit to kick. But in my mind if he wanted to, he would. People do. He's given up before. I hate him for not trying, for what feels like a total disregard of my feelings on it and for not wanting to do the best for our sons.

I feel I need to just tell him to go, to take some time out and decide what he's going to do because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me feel like this. In every other respect he's fab - we have a great relationship and he's a brilliant father. But this has been an issue for years and I'm done with having the same arguments.

So, AIBU? Hit me with it....

Just to clarify, I'm not threatening him with anything, just sounding off and canvassing opinion on here.

You may not be threatening him but you feel you're within your rights to tell him to get out of his own home...due to something you don't like.

Can you imagine if all the women on the weight loss threads who have food addictions, said their DH's wanted to throw them out because they're fed up of it?

Because they're not setting a goo example to the kids and because it costs too much and is likely to make them die young?

*good obviously - not goo

OP, this is an issue that has affected you both for a long time. It could be anything really - but it's smoking. It's your decision. To be honest, I picked up mostly on the "I hate it", then the "I hate him for not trying".

I'd question whether you really hate him, or the situation.

But don't let anyone tell you this is not enough to end the relationship - it's all about you two. I hope you can find a solution.

I think my op was probably not thought out - I don't feel I'm within my rights to do that at all - my reason for posting was about his smoking being a reason for a relationship to end. The technicalities of who goes to live where are not part of the discussion - all I wanted was some third party thoughts on the subject.

Nice CoteDAzur

Calling the OP a nutter is really helpful.

'Because he doesn't smell nice'???

I've really failed to make my point if that's what you think I'm basing any decision on.

I will pick up any further replies in the morning, thanks again for the constructive ones, they have been very useful.

YANBU.

I live with a smoker. He has given up many times. Alan Carr couldn't fix him.

I want him to give up because he is a parent and has a responsibility to his DD. My dad died at 50 of cancer (not smoking related) and it is horrible to lose a parent young. My DH is deliberately putting his daughter at risk of losing her father early.

Smoking is not a private vice. He may leave the house to smoke, but he comes in covered in toxins which our daughter is then exposed to. He smokes outside the back door where DD can see him, my 2yo DD now pretends to have a 'naughty stick' (his term, not mine) like Daddy.

It is the action of a selfish man who prioritises an addition he could kick if he really wanted to above his family. I can / could tolerate the vice on my own account, but not for my DD.

I feel your pain OP and have very similar bouts of rage. There are times when I could have written your post.

Ahh I see...well fair enough.

Only you know what would make you end a relationship.

Personally, I have sympathy for anyone with an addiction because I know how tough they can be...and I say that as an ex heavy smoker.

But ask yourself this, would you be just as willing to throw your kids out if they take up smoking when they're teens?

Or would you have more empathy/understanding?

He is an adult. He is capable of making his own decisions I'm sure and its his home too what right do you have to make him leave?

crazy i think most people understand what you meant. It's about your family's future. Not smells

My mum and dad smoke, all three of thier kids including me never smoked as the smell of them smoking put us of.My dp and his ex wife smoked only one of thier three sons smoked.My Dp smokes but not with kids in the house but i'm not his mother.What he does to his own body is up to him.I knew he smoked from the beginning.My Brother never smoked he still died of cancer he was 16.Cancer can hit anyone at any time sadly.

ahem

Rubix you are unfortunately right.

Can i just say has he tried E cigs like someone else asked? My dp found them good as he stopped smoking the real thing for months

YABU

i recently gave up smoking and it was the hardest thing I've ever done.
Why not HELP him rather than demonise him.
I have seen people on oxygen and dying of lung cancer still try to smoke.
Do you really think they WANT to do that? It's an addiction.... Do you understand that?

Google 'whyquit' if you want to help him

Smoker's cough Ooooleieieaviiiaa?

The OP has said

It's the smell

The money he's spending

She worries for their DC's future

He might get ill and die early.

Apart from the smell, you could say exactly the same about the many, many Mumsnetters with food addiction...who keep trying and failing to lose weight.

Yet whenever they've started a thread saying their DH has moaned at them/nagged them to do something about it, they've been told to LTB or that he's a controlling arse (most of the time).

I'm really struggling to see why food addicts get so much sympathy and smokers very rarely get any at all.

I feel for you, OP, I would hate it if my husband smoked, aside from the smell (which is bad enough) I would feel angry that he was endangering his health because I think I and my children deserve better (having said that though, hypocrisy alert - I am a bit overweight, which carries health risks, but I let that risk continue).

I think that anybody who manages to give up smoking only does so when they want to. He might even bring himself to acknowledge that it's unhealthy, and he should quit but the thing is that he doesn't want to, and deep down he probably doesn't think anything will happen to him. Perhaps he'll never suffer significant health effects from it, who knows.

Obviously it IS an addiction but why do some people want to get over things and others don't?

Allan Carr worked for me, almost a year now and I don't think YABU I now understand how disgusting smoking is and couldn't deal with it now. it really does make me heave smelling it on someone.

I'd like to see the OP get some support instead of being attacked. She is talking about HER loved one - no-one else.

Hi OP, you're right your thread title and OP were a bit OTT and I think that is why you're getting some stick. I still think YABU though. If all else is good in your relationship then him smoking away from you and the kids, should not be a reason to end the relationship.

Rather than getting cranky with him, can you not find out why he has started again and struggles to stop. I find it quite strange that he smokes only at work, what does he do? As far as I'm aware you can't smoke in any work-place these days. Is there a culture of smoking at his work-place? Is he under more stress recently?

I know the Alan Carr book helped my brother really analyse his smoking, but for him it took a week in hospital with a completely unrelated problem to suddenly fear long-term illness and death. He came out and has never smoked again.

Can whole heatedly recommend e cigs. not the crap disposable ones you get from the local shop. but a good rechargeable one with an easy fillable tank system.They give a much more realistic vapour.
I have been smoke free using this for 3 months now. I have introduced 5 people to it. one of whom is my mother who smoked 40 a day for 57 years and all have given up the stinkies with relative ease.
They dont smell, or smell mildly of whatever flavour you are vaping (I like the fruity ones) no stinky breath. You can reduce the nicotine content slowly, but they give the feeling of smoking which for smokers is the hardest part of the habit to give up.(think taking away a dummy from a baby)
I dont feel deprived or have any cravings and have reduced my nicotine by half in 3 months and intend to go down to 0mg within the next couple of months.
There are numerous sites out there that can help choose the device that would suit him like planet of the vapes .