Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To consider asking dh to move out because of his smoking?

135 replies

crazylady77 · 18/03/2013 18:58

I know. Contentious. But I am open to all opinions as am at the end of my tether now.

Background - Me - don't smoke, never have.

Dh - smoked when we got together, gave up for ages, started again after a few years and has been smoking on and off, mainly on, ever since. Only at work, never around me or kids, in fact never even appears to want to unless he's at work.

I hate it. He has a family history that should make him give up immediately. He has 2 ds. It smells and i don't want him near me when he's been smoking, I worry for the dc future, I worry he'll get ill and ultimately die early. It pisses me off that he spends money we haven't got on fags. It really pisses me off that he will lie about whether he's been smoking despite the very obvious give away smell.

So home tonight from work, stinks and I've seen red. Does this whole 'I know' face, says he's trying to stop, all the usual, and mostly I try to be understanding of the fact it's a tough habit to kick. But in my mind if he wanted to, he would. People do. He's given up before. I hate him for not trying, for what feels like a total disregard of my feelings on it and for not wanting to do the best for our sons.

I feel I need to just tell him to go, to take some time out and decide what he's going to do because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me feel like this. In every other respect he's fab - we have a great relationship and he's a brilliant father. But this has been an issue for years and I'm done with having the same arguments.

So, AIBU? Hit me with it....

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 18/03/2013 20:20

Who pays for the house?

If he does, YABU
50/50 - YABU

Emilythornesbff · 18/03/2013 20:25

Another vote for Allen Carr's "easy way" book.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 18/03/2013 20:28

I was thinking" what has Alan Carr got to do with it?".

Just googled ........ [ grin]

Maggie111 · 18/03/2013 20:32

I smoked. I loved smoking, I wouldn't have quit if DH tried to force me...

However, you don't want to be with someone who smokes. You can choose to put up with it, or walk away. I can completely understand why you want to walk away. If you're really unhappy it is the only choice you have.

I'm not sure if you're right to "kick him out" rather than you leaving though.

Crawling · 18/03/2013 20:33

OMFG speechless just speechless.

Norem · 18/03/2013 20:35

Another vote for Allen Carr easyway book :)

aldiwhore · 18/03/2013 20:38

You want him to quit.

He only wants to quit to stop you nagging.

YABU and Unrealistic.

You're throwing in all the usual emotional persuaders including "think of the chiiiiiildren" etc., and those are true enough, but you're missing the point.

He doesn't smoke around you or the children. He lies about smoking because he knows you'll bollock him like you're his mother if he tells the truth. You're probably making him smoke MORE by going on about it.

I am quitting. My children are 5 and 9, and apart from when I was pregnant I have been unable to give up because deep down I didn't want to, even though I did (addiction see?) I have noticed when my dragon of a mother visits and nags me about my smoking, weight, housekeeping, I autom,atically smoke more , eat more and stop cleaning.

She hasn't visited for a while. Out of the blue I arranged cessation classes, am taking a (imo) scary drug and am trying 100% to kick the habit/addiction and yet, deep down, I like to smoke. If it did no damage I would smoke always.

BarbarianMum · 18/03/2013 20:40

Well you know, I couldn't be with anyone who smokes. It would be a total dealbreaker for me, I hate it that much. So I would divorce over it, yes, even my lovely dh (though to be fair he has never smoked and I would never have got into a relationship with a smoker).

I may be a lone voice but I think YANBU.

MammaTJ · 18/03/2013 20:43

My DP 'gave up' when his uncle died of COPD and Lung cancer.

He is now up to 10 twice a day, still folling himself he is not on 20 a day.

He is a good partner and Dad, so I will not throw him out over it.

Up to you what you do though, as the saying goes 'throw the baby out with the bathwater' or 'cut your nose off to spite your face'.

MammaTJ · 18/03/2013 20:44

folling fooling

BarbarianMum · 18/03/2013 20:46

See I don't get all that 'if that's his only fault' stuff. Putting aside all the health risks (cause lots of things have health risks ) it makes you stink smell very strongly of ashtrays, even if you only do it outdoors/at work. Why is it reasonable to be expected to hug/kiss/make love to someone who smells like that?

Shakey1500 · 18/03/2013 20:50

YABU

Sob @ aldiwhore

Lexiesgirl · 18/03/2013 20:51

I smoke. Generally at work, and out of the house in the evening once the DC is in bed. I quit when pregnant, and then started again afterwards. DP isn't a fan but I smoked when we got together so he's always known about it.

I do understand where you are coming from, but I know if DP played the card you are suggesting it might just put my back up too much because it is, overall, quite a trivial thing. It would be the same as me telling him to stop playing football or computer games.

Could you talk to him about the smell, maybe see if there are ways you can deal with it in that sense? Quitting for a while made me far more aware of how much it smells, and now I am more considerate of it - smoking coat, lots of handwashing, bit of bodyspray etc. If it was less obvious, and you let him be honest about it, would that help?

Greensleeves · 18/03/2013 20:52

Good god, if I was married to you I would be smoking as well, and possibly drinking

He's a adult. You just have to put up with it.

Zoonose · 18/03/2013 20:59

I don't think YABU to be so frustrated here. I am in a similar position although both DH and I smoked when we got together, me more occasionally than him I suppose. I stopped a few years before we got married (7 years ago) and he had always said he wanted to stop too. First he was going to stop as soon as we got back from honeymoon. Then he was definitely going to stop before DS was born. I remember being really angry when DS was 6 weeks old and he was still smoking (not in the house). DS will be 5 next week! And still he smokes. And we now have DD too. He did stop for eight months last year, completely. I was over the moon. Then we had an argument on holiday in August, he bought some tobacco ... and here we are again. He was going to give up at New Year ...

For me it is the danger to his health that is the issue. It is the fact that this is something it is well known can cause life threatening disease and it feels like he doesn't care that he might shorten his life and die, leaving me and our DCs behind. I don't really like smoking, the smell and the cost and so on, but it is him dying that bothers me, and the fact that he doesn't seem motivated to stop for the sake of staying around for his children - that he is prepared to take that risk.

So I totally understand where you are coming from but I have no idea what we actually do!

Zoonose · 18/03/2013 21:01

So I don't really understand the posters who are saying 'he is an adult, deal with it' - he is, but he has a responsibility to his children and to knowingly take the risk of shortening his life isn't right and as the other parent of those children it does put you in a position of wanting to take action! I want my children to have their dad for as long as possible.

WorriedTeenMum · 18/03/2013 21:02

YANBU to feel so strongly about it. My DF died of a smoking related cancer. I was with him until the very end. There is nothing brave or heroic about dying early for an entirely avoidable reason.

Smoking isnt a private vice. How many smokers now are the children of smokers? We learn not just from seeing our parents smoke but also becoming familiar with the smell and the taste of it on our parents.

Yes, lots of things carry risk but I do think that in years to come we will discover that smoking is even more toxic than we understand now. Arsenic, hydrogen cyanide, polonium and carbon monoxide to name but a few of the less than pleasant chemicals to be found in cigarettes.

Bunbaker · 18/03/2013 21:10

"However, it was very much the straw that broke the camels back... how is the rest of your relationship ?"

I think this is very telling. I used to go out with a smoker. At first it didn't bother me, but as I got more and more irritated by him the smoking became a big deal and we split up.

Like Xiaoxing I loathe smoking and find the habit utterly repulsive. It killed my mother, and watching her slowly die, gasping for each breath makes me so intolerant of it that I wouldn't look twice at anyone who smoked.

Sallystyle · 18/03/2013 21:15

Well, I smoked when I met my husband and quit a year ago. Well, I quit for a year, relapsed for three months and have been quit a year again.

I wish my husband would quit but I married him as a smoker so I can't imagine turning around and having a huge issue with it now. I patiently wait until/if the day comes that he wants to quit. As a former 40 a day smoker I know full well that no one will quit because they are being nagged or threatened into it.

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2013 21:17

Just what is it with people who feel they can just tell their DH to 'go'?

It's extremely odd imo.

It's his home as much as it is yours. You don't have the right to tell him to get out of it just because you're fed up of his addiction.

Original poster

crazylady77 · 18/03/2013 21:25

Thanks again all. I have re-read my posts because I was worried about the perception that I am some kind of 'crank' who clearly is driving my dh to smoke, drink and whatever else! I'm really calm actually, not hysterical and thinking about this all rationally.

I think the 'straw that broke the camels back' comment is purely around how many times we've been in this situation, rather than there being a build up of generally crapness in the relationship. We're both in our 40's, mostly sensible I think, but this is becoming the elephant in the room and its dragging me and us down. I am glad that there's a balance of YANBU too - the points made by these posters hit the nail right on the head.

I know that only he can do something about this, and honestly I don't nag him on it. Most of the times when he's smoked I don't even say anything, but occasionally it starts a row and I'm fed up with the whole Groundhog Day feeling of it! I know I have no influence here but just find it increasingly hard to 'put up with'

OP posts:

TranceDaemon · 18/03/2013 21:35

Erm.. are you his mum? Bloody hell, he's an adult. With an addiction. Nagging and threatening him will make him want to smoke all the more!

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 18/03/2013 21:35

I know exactly how you feel, and I don't think YABU.
It's the fact they don't seem to understand that it's YOU that'll be holding his hand when he gets the opposes back telling him he has lung cancer, YOU that has to sit by his bedside nursing him to his death and YOU that has to tell the children that daddy is now dead because he wouldn't give up smoking and never even tried. No, not even for you kids.
It's incredibly selfish and he knows that you'll just put up with it because its not a reason for divorce, but you will end up hating him for not putting his family first.

pooka · 18/03/2013 21:36

YABU

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2013 21:38

ICanTuck would you say the same thing if it was a food addiction that was likely to make him die early?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6