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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider asking dh to move out because of his smoking?

135 replies

crazylady77 · 18/03/2013 18:58

I know. Contentious. But I am open to all opinions as am at the end of my tether now.

Background - Me - don't smoke, never have.

Dh - smoked when we got together, gave up for ages, started again after a few years and has been smoking on and off, mainly on, ever since. Only at work, never around me or kids, in fact never even appears to want to unless he's at work.

I hate it. He has a family history that should make him give up immediately. He has 2 ds. It smells and i don't want him near me when he's been smoking, I worry for the dc future, I worry he'll get ill and ultimately die early. It pisses me off that he spends money we haven't got on fags. It really pisses me off that he will lie about whether he's been smoking despite the very obvious give away smell.

So home tonight from work, stinks and I've seen red. Does this whole 'I know' face, says he's trying to stop, all the usual, and mostly I try to be understanding of the fact it's a tough habit to kick. But in my mind if he wanted to, he would. People do. He's given up before. I hate him for not trying, for what feels like a total disregard of my feelings on it and for not wanting to do the best for our sons.

I feel I need to just tell him to go, to take some time out and decide what he's going to do because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me feel like this. In every other respect he's fab - we have a great relationship and he's a brilliant father. But this has been an issue for years and I'm done with having the same arguments.

So, AIBU? Hit me with it....Grin

OP posts:
Corygal · 19/03/2013 11:32

I'm not surprised yr DH needs bad habits... could they be to relieve stress by any chance?

nooka · 20/03/2013 02:34

But Betty that's what's really frustrating, as a partner there really is absolutely zero you can do to try and get your partner to want to stop smoking, because your feelings are irrelevant, your children's feelings are irrelevant, your partner's heath is irrelevant. To the addict only the nicotine matters in the decision until they get to the point when something triggers the decision to stop.

And in a relationship/family there is very little else that is so non negotiable ( I agree that other addictions would likely be similar).

Re the getting together and 'knowing the deal' side if dh had ever said that he had no intention of ever giving up smoking then I probably would have thought very seriously about being with him, but ever since I first met him he has always been just about to give up. I don't think this in untypical.

MrRected · 20/03/2013 02:55

Op YADNBU!!!

Smoking is a revolting, life limiting and disgustingly smelly habit. I am surprised how many people think YABU.

Each to their own - just not in my own home is my opinion!!

CoteDAzur · 20/03/2013 09:16

Not in OP's home, either. Her DH doesn't smoke anywhere near OP & DC.

PureQuintessence · 20/03/2013 09:28

Yanbu.

My children dont smoke. They are 10 and 7.

They only need an hour at my dhs relatives to stink when they get home. It is to the point of having to strip them down and put all their clothes in the wash.
The relatives dont actively smoke around them, they open their windows and uncle will restrict himself to maybe just the one fag.

I hate it when they come home, hug me, and I burrow my head into my sons neck, and he reeks! His hair stinks! I usually send them both into the shower.

I dont think smokers are aware what they smell like to non smokers. It is a stench that permeates every fabric of their clothing, and hair, and is on their skin.

Naturally, we visit very rarely as I dont want loads of laundry. We invite them here plenty so it is not as if they are cut off from family.

I can see why you are fed up. He is actively ruining his health, and makes him self reek of disgusting smell. Sad

I think more smokers would actively try to quit if they could smell themselves through the nose of a nonsmoker.

Cricrichan · 20/03/2013 09:35

YABU - the more you go on at him the more he's going to want to smoke. The only thing you can do is tell him not to smoke in the house and budget his cigarettes in your budget.

PureQuintessence · 20/03/2013 09:42

Maybe he can keep some clothes in work so he can change in to non smelly clothes before he comes home? And make a point of showering when he gets in?

FierceBadIggi · 20/03/2013 09:47

My dh told me he would stop smoking if we had children. Two dcs later and he still smokes.. Nothing comes before smoking I have found.

LiseYates · 20/03/2013 09:52

Although I completely sympathise as I can't stand smoking myself (never smoked, never wanted to and it's vile) I have to do one thing and that's point out the bloomin' obvious.
You KNEW he was a smoker when you got together, so it can't have bothered you that much.
YABU to just turn round now and say you've had enough.
He won't give up unless HE feels able to, not because you're telling him to.

PureQuintessence · 20/03/2013 09:52

Smokers can blame it on addiction and say they are powerless all they want, but it just boils down to one thing: Selfishness.

BegoniaBampot · 20/03/2013 10:05

Don't think YABU in hating it, would be a deal breaker for me. Only issue is you accepted him as a smoker when you first got together.

StuntGirl · 20/03/2013 10:23

YABU because you knew he was a smoker when you got together.

I didn't know whether I'd end up staying with any of the men I've dated in my life. But smoking was a non-negotiable deal breaker for me, and because of that I didn't date any men who smoked.

MackerelOfFact · 20/03/2013 10:24

YANBU in principle. The whole 'he smoked when you met him' thing is irrelevant - you wouldn't overlook reckless driving, or poor personal hygiene (and, sorry smokers, but you stink, and it's not nice to kiss/share a bed with), gambling, binge eating, alcoholism, violence, etc because he did them when you met him and are therefore 'part of who he is'. Hmm

My DP smoked heavily when we met and for a year or two into our relationship, but I was clear that I didn't want our home to smell like an ashtray so he could only smoke outside. That soon got boring, especially when we lived in a 4th floor flat with no stairs or communal outside space, and now he mostly doesn't. I respect him a lot more for it.

dublindee · 20/03/2013 10:28

As a daughter of a very heavy smoker (60-80 a day) who was hospitalised as an emergency case with pneumonia, cyanosis (sp?) and COPD, I can sympathise. Mum had to be resuscitated in the ambulance (our house is 3 mins from the hospital!) and was in the HDU of intensive care for 2 weeks. She was taken off the ventilator after 3 days but her lungs failed as they were only at 50% capacity. Eventually... She started to get better. She was in hospital for 3 months and told if she smoked again she would die.

She gave up. We were ecstatic and so proud. 8 months later she started again. She has 5 beautiful grandchildren and just does not care. Smokers are selfish and will not listen to reason or logic. My mum is killing herself but doesn't seem to give a shit.

YANBU to feel upset hurt and angry.... But YABU to want to end the relationship as he has always smoked.

WorraLiberty · 20/03/2013 11:02

Smokers can blame it on addiction and say they are powerless all they want, but it just boils down to one thing: Selfishness.

What an absolutely ridiculous thing to say.

Addiction is just that - addiction.

It's not about blame, it's not about selfishness...it's about curing that addiction and having the willpower and resources to do so.

PureQuintessence · 20/03/2013 11:05

I think most people who smoke and WANT to give up manage it perfectly well.
If they dont, it is because they did not really want it. You cannot possibly give up smoking if you dont really want to.

Nancy66 · 20/03/2013 11:09

If he was insisting on smoking at home and near you and the kids then you might....might...have cause.

But as he never smokes near you then you are over-reacting.

WorraLiberty · 20/03/2013 11:12

Yes many people who WANT to give up do manage...though not necessarily perfectly well.

It can take a long long time and many failed attempts to get there eventually.

In the same way that food addicts often spend half their lives dieting and then gaining weight in a yo-yo pattern.

Many of them will have kids to consider, but it doesn't necessarily make them selfish.

Dahlen · 20/03/2013 11:13

Apparently, less than 10% of smokers manage to quit successfully. Current rates are somewhere between 4% and 7%. The success rate for quitting heroin are higher.

It's one of the most addictive drugs there is.

Quenelle · 20/03/2013 11:27

I smoked heavily for 20 years. I had a couple of half hearted attempts to quit in that time but I eventually gave up 10 years ago. The reason I was successful on that occasion was because I finally really wanted to stop.

I wanted to stop because DH had just given up. The thought of the person I loved more than anything having to comfort and support me through a horrendous and possibly fatal illness, whilst coping with his own fear and grief, when we would both know that it may not have happened if I had stopped when he did, was enough to persuade me.

My friend and her family have had to watch her DF go through painful, frightening and frankly horrific treatment for throat cancer for a number of years now. He drank a lot of whiskey and smoked a lot of cigars before his illness. Obviously the family are so grateful he is still around, albeit a shadow of his former self since he was 60, without saliva glands or voicebox, and they are so proud of his bravery and stoicism. But if it were me, I would still hate him a bit for making it happen. If I were his wife I would hugely resent my retirement being consumed by having to care for and worry about him. Maybe I'm just a very small person though.

Oh I don't know. YANBU for feeling the way you do. But when we're young we can't imagine our mortality. We don't start smoking at 14 with a thought for the consequences, or believing we won't be able to stop when life gets serious.

I can't imagine how miserable it is to be trapped in an addiction, because you know what the consequences can be, and you know you're making your loved ones unhappy, and you know they will be the ones having to suffer alongside you if the worst happens. But ultimately I think you've still got to try to stop, and you owe it to the people who love and worry about you, and the children you brought into the world, to let them see you trying and show them that you do want to. And if you don't actually want to, knowing all of the above, then yes, you are selfish.

StuntGirl · 20/03/2013 11:32

YANBU in principle. The whole 'he smoked when you met him' thing is irrelevant - you wouldn't overlook reckless driving, or poor personal hygiene (and, sorry smokers, but you stink, and it's not nice to kiss/share a bed with), gambling, binge eating, alcoholism, violence, etc because he did them when you met him and are therefore 'part of who he is'

It isn't irrelevant. If your partner does x/y/z when you meet them and you choose to continue the relationship knowing that, you can't use it as a stick to beat them later on.

Writehand · 20/03/2013 11:35

Not only are YABVU, I think you've become a bit of a crank & a control freak.

Quenelle · 20/03/2013 11:38

In theory you can't, no, but people's values and priorities often change as they get older.

If you start smoking (or meet someone who does) when you're very young, you may not give a thought to how it might affect you (or them) when you're in your 40s and have children etc.

CoteDAzur · 20/03/2013 11:39

Watch out for the axe. OP is so "open to all opinions" that she has such posts deleted.

Mumsyblouse · 20/03/2013 11:44

I don't think you can compare smoking to something like gambling, I think it's more like overeating. Being overweight/obese, not exercising, eating too much chocolate or sweets or treat food, not enough leafy green vegetables is known scientifically to increase your chances of getting cancer, heart disease and strokes, just the same as smoking does. We all do things which are not optimal for our health, smoking is certainly one of them, but its not the only one. It does seem to bring out the self-righteous in some people, though, even those perhaps have their own unhealthy habits which are also damaging to their health and are likely to cause an early death (even smokers only have a 50/50 chance of being affected, so 1 in 2 smokers will not die earlier of a smoking related disease).