To consider asking dh to move out because of his smoking?

[crazylady77]

I know. Contentious. But I am open to all opinions as am at the end of my tether now.

Background - Me - don't smoke, never have.

Dh - smoked when we got together, gave up for ages, started again after a few years and has been smoking on and off, mainly on, ever since. Only at work, never around me or kids, in fact never even appears to want to unless he's at work.

I hate it. He has a family history that should make him give up immediately. He has 2 ds. It smells and i don't want him near me when he's been smoking, I worry for the dc future, I worry he'll get ill and ultimately die early. It pisses me off that he spends money we haven't got on fags. It really pisses me off that he will lie about whether he's been smoking despite the very obvious give away smell.

So home tonight from work, stinks and I've seen red. Does this whole 'I know' face, says he's trying to stop, all the usual, and mostly I try to be understanding of the fact it's a tough habit to kick. But in my mind if he wanted to, he would. People do. He's given up before. I hate him for not trying, for what feels like a total disregard of my feelings on it and for not wanting to do the best for our sons.

I feel I need to just tell him to go, to take some time out and decide what he's going to do because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me feel like this. In every other respect he's fab - we have a great relationship and he's a brilliant father. But this has been an issue for years and I'm done with having the same arguments.

So, AIBU? Hit me with it....

I couldn't go out with a smoker, because I find the smell/taste unbearable (someone at work has just walked past and stinnnnnnks of old ashtrays, blurrrg) and it is so expensive (apart from the very obvious health concerns) so I can sort of see your point.. it must be infuriating so you have my sympathies! I'm not sure what I would do in your position really!

/end of vague but supportive post

The thing that is annoying me about comparing smoking to over-eating is that you can stop smoking completely - give up cigarettes (yes it's hard I'm not disputing that) but then that's it.

You can't give up eating. If you do you will die. Plus over-eating doesn't kill those around you. Inhaling second-hand smoke does.

I do have sympathy for you OP. I can't stand smoking either. The smell of it lingers and sticks to everything and there are SO many health issues connected with it. It would really, really frustrate me if DP started smoking and wouldn't give up but it wouldn't be a deal breaker if she did it away from us. I would go on and on about it though!!!!

1 in 2 smokers will not die of a smoking related disease that doesn't sound THAT great really does it!!!!

"over-eating doesn't kill those around you. Inhaling second-hand smoke does."

There is no second-hand smoke in this case. OP doesn't even see the smoke, let alone inhale it. Her DH smokes exclusively in his office, presumably miles away from any other family member.

Hi. Just picked up the rest of the messages after 2 days at work - just to say that I haven't reported any messages or requested any to be deleted so I don't know what you're referring to Cote.

YABU. You knew he smoked when you met him. Up to you whether you love him enough to live with him. He has to want to do it for himself, not because he's forced to.

YANBU to feel the way you do, but you'll never be able to make a smoker give up- they will only give up when they want to so getting angry about it is pointless.

The lying would piss me off as much as the smoking, to be honest- it seems that most people find lying in a relationship unacceptable, but for some reason as long as it's about smoking it's seen as ok.

I think your best bet might be to tackle some of the specific issues around the smoking, and tell him that you have accepted that he is not willing to give up , but in return for accepting that it is his decision and not making an issue of it, there are certain courtesies that he really should be extending to you and the children. For me, this would include:

• Not telling lies

• Shower/teeth clean/ change of clothes when he comes home- a lot of smokers genuinely don't realise how much they smell of it. Even if tehre is no second-hand smoke issue, the smell is repulsive and you shouldn't have to put up with that in the house.

• Replan the budget to allow for comprehensive life insurance / critical illness cover to reflect the increased risk to his health. He is more likely to die early if he continues to smoke, and he's more likely to need medical treatment for particular diseases. While it's his choice to smoke, he also has to take responsibility for the effects on the family resulting from his probable critical illness or death.

• He needs to fund his smoking from whatever his personal / spending/ treats budget is , according to however you work your finances. It shouldn't be coming from household budgets, or the food budget.

You could also try reinforcing that you'd be happy to support him if and when he did try to give up.

It is soul destroying to be married to a smoker who doesnt even seem to try to give up. It is frustrating and frightening and worrying, because one knows perfectly well that nothing one says or does will make that smoker actually give up, unless they are ready to do it.

(I smoked for 15 years so I do have some idea of what it is like to give up)

As you can probably guess, I am in a similar situation to the OP and it breaks my heart whenever my DH goes outside for a cigarette.

I don't want our girls to have to watch their father curl up and die, the way we saw DH's mother die from a smoking related cancer.

I want to grab him by the shoulders and scream at him to give up. Tell him I don't want to have to nurse him while he dies of a preventable illness. I want to get down on my knees and beg him to stop.

I sound melodramatic, but actually I keep all these feelings to myself most of the time, make no comment when he goes outside to smoke, and accept the truly vile mood swings that occur when he can't have a cigarette for some reason.

Most of the time I just keep quiet. But every now and then (probably once every few months) I tell him that I do wish he would give up, or ask if there is anything I can do to help him stop. But ultimately his desire for a cigarette trumps everything else, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Some days it does feel like too much, and I do wonder whether I want to go on like this.

So i do understand, and for those reasons, YANBU.

The thing that is annoying me about comparing smoking to over-eating is that you can stop smoking completely - give up cigarettes (yes it's hard I'm not disputing that) but then that's it.

You can't give up eating. If you do you will die. Plus over-eating doesn't kill those around you. Inhaling second-hand smoke does.

You don't have to give up eating...you just have to give up eating shit and lots of it. A food addict doesn't have to buy unhealthy food, just as a smoker doesn't have to buy cigarettes...but it's not that easy, is it?

And over eating doesn't kill those around you but it's an extremely bad example to set your children - just as smoking is.

Also, people tend to have zero sympathy for those who TTC while still addicted to nicotine - but on the whole they're not as judgy about overweight/obese people who TTC without getting to a healthy weight first.

Both of those things are dangerous to both the mother and baby.