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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not give my child a present on their siblings birthday?

184 replies

DeepInTheMeadow · 12/03/2013 22:31

I have two children.

DD(3) and DD9mo. We were discussing tonight what to do for DD2's birthday - decided that we would just be having close family and friends over for afternoon tea cakes.

DH said we should have a present for DD1 as he think she might feel left out with DD2 getting presents and attention.

I think this is ridiculous personally and that it's perhaps sending the wrong message.

I never got presents on my older sisters birthday, DH would get presents on his siblings birthday though.

OP posts:
Flobbadobs · 13/03/2013 09:38

YANBU. children learn to realise that they all get spoilt on their birthdays. Seeing their siblings getting presents and treats means that they look forward to their own birthdays and getting the same attention. There's always the cake for everyone to look forward to!

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 13/03/2013 09:50

akaemmafrost

I don't think it's anything to do with SD's upbringing at all, well not on our part anyway. Even DP's ex doesn't like it. So I think it's just a personality trait that we just have to tackle. It's about teaching her that not everything is for her and not to expect things all the time.

I think other family members are to blame in our case. I don't know about SD's mum's family, but my DP's family and mine just throw gifts out left right and centre and I do firmly believe that if my dad hadn't have bought her some presents to open she wouldn't have been running around the living room looking for more and getting all teary when she realised that there were no more for her and saw that the birthday boy had more than her. I do think that is to blame. And I don't want it for my sons in the years to come as it just ruins the whole concept of birthdays.

akaemmafrost · 13/03/2013 09:55

Exactly sowhat so there's obviously a lot more going on in your case and I can understand why you don't want to encourage that.

spiritedaway · 13/03/2013 10:31

My eldest 12 still struggles to allow any of her siblings their special day. Her dad has always got her a present on her sisters birthday and goes OTT to pacify her. Pisses me off no end. YANBU. Every child needs to learn to take a step back when it is not their turn for the limelight.

cory · 13/03/2013 11:09

I don't suppose it necessarily does any harm: I just don't get the rationale. If it's just about wanting to treat them, why on that particular day of the year: why don't they get a present because it's Thursday or because it's raining or whatever? Could there be any other rationale than the thought that you somehow expect the child to feel hard done by because somebody else is getting something nice? That seems like very low expectations to me.

akaemmafrost · 13/03/2013 11:15

I don't think my children are hard done by because it's not their birthday. It's just something I like to do, that's really all there is to it Smile.

JustWannaDrinkAndDance · 13/03/2013 11:54

My Auntie used to buy my cousins (3 girls) a present on MY birthday.

I don't think I would have minded if it was just a token gift but she always got them EXACTLY what she got me, to avoid jealousy. Funny how I never got a gift from her on her DD's birthdays tho Hmm.

It took the special out of my day tbh. Call me selfish or self centred or spoilt or whatever. I was child and it was my special day and it felt taken from me.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 13/03/2013 12:08

justwanna that is so ridiculous! You're not selfish at all. Me and my brother never had that at all as kids and I would have thought as a child the idea to absolutely bonkers to get a present on my brother's birthday. But that's just me. My mum thinks the idea is bonkers hence why when my mum and dad were together my dad couldn't do with us what he does with his grand kids.

DoTheStrand · 13/03/2013 12:13

I knew as soon as I saw this thread title that it would be arousing strong passions Smile - its yet another minor part of anyone's parenting mix that drives some people mad.

I used to be totally against it until I met DH. we had only been together a short time and it was my now-DSS2's birthday. DH wanted to get him a large present and a small present, and DSS1 a small present. I was horrified but went along with it (and had to buy them all myself as he was skint!) and actually it worked really well. It kept DSS1 occupied, DSS2 got to play with his big present for ages with no interruptions and we all had a nice day.

They must have had a pretty tumultous couple of years (separation, divorce, then me appearing, and we got married v quickly after meeting). It isn't something I would do in our family unless the particular circumstances warranted it but as family traditions go it isn't awful. Most children get so many extras throughout the year now for all kinds of reasons that getting one on a sibling's birthday isn't really going to do much damage, and being an entitled brat is going to be the result of more than simply one extra present on a sibling's birthday. I'd be more concerned about the birthday sibling not having a day devoted to them rather than the non birthday sibling growing up grabby or brattish.

DH has also been guilty of buying them big presents, possibly to assuage his non-resident parent guilt. Again not something i agree with but both DSSs have turned out to be kind, helpful, friendly, non-entitled young men. Of course maybe that is the influence of their mother Grin

Sandthefloor · 13/03/2013 12:54

I agree with akaemmafrost I really don't think that buying a small gift is enough to make them spoilt. There is a big difference in the amount of presents the birthday child gets in comparison with their sibling, but they are not demanding more or ungrateful for their smaller gift.

I actually find that my DC don't cope well with the pressure of all the attention being on them on birthdays.

pigletmania · 13/03/2013 13:02

Yanbu it's not their birthday so they should not get a present. Children have to learn, te earlier the better, I would not think to do this

mungotracy · 13/03/2013 13:03

"I think this is ridiculous personally and that it's perhaps sending the wrong message. "

You are totally right.

BigSpork · 13/03/2013 13:04

YANBU. It's up to your family - to distract my kids and make it less stressful event by having something for them all to do (and for my quieter kids take some of the attention off of them), I always get a couple pack of balloons and lay them all out in the living room for them to walk into on a birthday morning. The other kids play with those while Birthday Child gets their pressies and we can focus on them. It's not presents, but it includes everyone in the fun (but I make birthdays big family events as my birthdays as a kid were pretty much ignored, will never forget getting only a pack of cupcakes while everyone else went off...).

drownangels · 13/03/2013 13:08

It never occurred to me to do this when mine were young. Never had any problems.

FryOneFatManic · 13/03/2013 13:16

My brother and I never got presents on each other's birthdays. Mum was always keen to emphasise that it was the special day of the birthday person, and whoever didn't have the birthday got involved in making cakes, etc.

DP and I never have bought any presents for the non-birthday child, and it doesn't seem to be common among the people I know either.

Dancergirl · 13/03/2013 13:16

YANBU

My MIL does this and I hate it. The question is, do I ask her not to?

TheSeniorWrangler · 13/03/2013 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itisimplicit · 13/03/2013 16:46

My mum's birthday is the day after mine, so she ALWAYS opens her presents on my birthday, and then my dad gets her some extra for her birthday the day after, and I don't get any on hers. And I know I'm meant to be old and mature but it still pisses me off no end.
Birthdays should be about the birthday child- then it's fair on everyone.

TidyDancer · 13/03/2013 17:27

Why do people assume that this is about spoilt children?! This is a nice family tradition that I and others continue. I have no idea why this bothers people to such a degree when it matters not a jot to them if they choose not to do it. There has been such rudeness on this thread for no reason.

My DS understands perfectly well that it's my DDs special day, just that he also gets a little present. DD will learn the same as she grows up. They are not spoilt or entitled or tantrum prone. They are normal DCs who are sweet and generally well behaved. DS is far more excited to help DD with her presents than he is about the small present he gets.

If parents who do this choose it as a way of preventing epic tantrums, then this is the least of their problems. This is not the case in my family.

No one has the right to tell me I'm wrong in doing this, or ridicule me and others here for it.

anonymosity · 13/03/2013 17:32

I agree with you 100% TidyDancer. In fact I think doing this is a good lesson in the reality that its never actually "all about" only one person, its about giving and receiving. I don't understand why people get so bent out of shape an ignore that positive lesson.

Anyway....

mercibucket · 13/03/2013 18:31

We used to do this when the kids were little. It's nice. The birthday boy/girl gets the big present and the siblings get something small. We stopped when they were maybe 4 or 5, I'm not sure exactly. It helps, esp the first year or 2 of a new sibling, when there are stiLl jealousy issues visible, and the baby is too small to notice or care.

hazeyjane · 13/03/2013 18:43

My mum used to do a non-birthday gift with my sister and I and we do it with our dcs,just a little something, it really isn't a big deal.

Oh except that my sister and I have obviously turned into spoilt,grabby shits, who feel hugely hard done by that our birthdays, when growing up were marred by the day not being 'MY day'.

crashdoll · 13/03/2013 18:43

Another one who doesn't see how giving a small child a present on their sibling's birthday makes them spoilt or will make them think everything is about them. I got a token gift on my sister's birthday and I no longer expect them nor do I tantrum when other people have birthdays. Grin Your child will not be spoilt if you give them a present on their sibling's birthday unless you continue to spoil them the other 364 days of the year.

ConfuzzledMummy · 13/03/2013 18:49

No my ex sil does it, can't understand why. They have to accept that it's their brother or sisters birthday, and that they will get their turn!

Fanjounchained · 13/03/2013 19:05

I'm very, very surprised at some of the reponses on her....God help me because if they are to be believed then I am raising two entitled, spoiled "little shits".

My mum did not do this with DB and I so not exactly sure why I started doing it. In our house the birthday boy or girl gets all the pressies and their sibling has a small gift for example a favourite magazine and some stickers of a favourite cartoon character. They don't get presents when it's my birthday or DH's birthday. They are perfectly capable of sharing with other children (they have the normal brother and sister arguments over who is playing with what). DS will not eat a piece of cake or chocolate without offering me a piece, he's probably one of the sweetest natured children I've ever met and I don't think I'm seeing him through rose tinted glasses. Others have commented too. I see no problem with this whatsoever as long as the gifts are small and not expensive.

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