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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not give my child a present on their siblings birthday?

184 replies

DeepInTheMeadow · 12/03/2013 22:31

I have two children.

DD(3) and DD9mo. We were discussing tonight what to do for DD2's birthday - decided that we would just be having close family and friends over for afternoon tea cakes.

DH said we should have a present for DD1 as he think she might feel left out with DD2 getting presents and attention.

I think this is ridiculous personally and that it's perhaps sending the wrong message.

I never got presents on my older sisters birthday, DH would get presents on his siblings birthday though.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 12/03/2013 22:50

A birthday is special for the DC- if you give to the other then you take away from it. Giving can be just as much fun- involve them in buying and wrapping a present from them.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 12/03/2013 22:50

I've honestly never heard of this in my life. Nobody I know does this. Madness.

intheshed · 12/03/2013 22:53

I am debating whether to do this for DD1's birthday in a few weeks. Last year on her 4th birthday, DD2 (aged 22 months at the time) got upset and kept saying 'where's mine?' as DD1 got present after present. In the end I ran upstairs and wrapped a random book for her Blush. She wasn't convinced and looked so sad.

This year she understands more so I guess she'll be ok, but I just don't know...

exoticfruits · 12/03/2013 22:58

If she is saying 'where's mine' she is still going to think that unless you do equal! You simply say that it is sister's special day and she will get a special day later. DCs are going to find life difficult if parents can't help them understand that they are not always number 1.

amistillsexy · 12/03/2013 22:59

We get small presents for siblings on their birthdays. Usually a Lego minifig, which they each get.
As others have said, it gives the siblings something to occupy them while the birthday boy plays with his presents.

In our defence, we only started this because DS1, who has ASD, couldn't understand why he couldn't play with DS2's birthday gifts, and we avoid a lot of chaos and tears/tantrums by getting him something. Not that he is pandered to ordinarily, but ordinarily, we manage the tears and tantrums. On birthdays, we give the birthday boy a chance to be centre stage for a change.

Call it bribery if you like. So sue me Grin

stopthebusiwanttogetoff · 12/03/2013 23:00

My MiL does this. It doesn't bother me, but I wouldn't do it myself. So far I've found that there are enough non-present treats with which to calm a jealous sibling on birthdays (choose a dvd to watch/ go to the shop and choose cakes for everyone to eat/ fill the party bags/ blow up the balloons etc); but we have December/January birthdays so tbh have six weeks of vile amount of gifts floating around.

shrinkingnora · 12/03/2013 23:00

Much better to encourage them to make a fuss of their sibling and choose a present and make a card, decorate the cake etc

browniebear · 12/03/2013 23:03

I didn't ever want to do this but.... Ex H's mother bought dd something on ds's 1st birthday so she wouldn't feel left out. I thought it was ridiculous as we'd never done it as children.
Fast forward to dd's birthday and nothing turns up for ds! So I gave him something small that I'd bought and put away as I had a sneaky feeling he wouldn't get anything from her.

MajaBiene · 12/03/2013 23:03

Maybe I'm mean, but I think it is quite important for children to learn that sometimes the day is for someone else, not every present is for them etc.

dinnersinthedawg · 12/03/2013 23:03

I'm surprised how many are against this and didn't realise it was so unheard of. My mum and dad used to do it for my brother and I - we are definitely not me me me types now! It was just something small and we knew it was the other one's big day but It was lovely to get something too. Saying that if it hadn't have been the practice in our house I'm sure we wouldn't have felt left out on the other's birthday and would have just enjoyed the party, food etc.

TidyDancer · 12/03/2013 23:06

My nana did this for my siblings and I on each others birthdays. We did not turn out to be "spoilt little shits" because of it, it was just a sweet tradition. 'Ridiculous' 'silly' 'bizarre' 'madness' 'pathetic'. All words mentioned on this thread to describe this. What oddly critical opinions.

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 23:09

I always do. I've only got two dc, so why not share their siblings birthday and have a bit of their own excitement? Not saying anyone else should but I like to do this. That way both kids are getting excited about each others birthdays.

Kiriwawa · 12/03/2013 23:12

I just don't see the point of it. Children have to (presumably) get used to the fact that they won't get presents at a friend's birthday celebration so I don't see why they can't with siblings.

I just don't get why this sort of tradition starts in the first place.

olivertheoctopus · 12/03/2013 23:13

Nope, never done that here altho my aunt and uncle always send something small for the non-birthday boy and I think it gives the wrong message

Original poster
DeepInTheMeadow · 12/03/2013 23:15

I've only got two dc, so why not share their siblings birthday and have a bit of their own excitement?

But see when my two are old enough I want them to share their siblings birthday by helping to bake a cake, seeing friends and family, by choosing a gift for their sibling, enjoying the party or day out.

I just want them to be involved and have fun.

I don't wan them to be excited just because they also get a present.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 23:16

What I don't get is why it provokes such strong reactions in people. So what if I choose to do this and you don't? It's like any other parenting choice isn't it?

My children are about the most unspoilt kids you'll ever meet. They get a lot of stuff as they have a Disney Dad and lots of aunties but they are totally fine with "no" as well. Ds went out with one of his aunts and she told him to choose a set in the Lego shop, the one he wanted most, he wouldn't, he said it was too expensive and he would save for it. She had to get me to come and tell him it was fine and he COULD have it. It was a medium sized set fwiw about £30.

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2013 23:17

My kids always get excited about each other's birthdays, despite us not buying presents for the non birthday child.

They're excited for each other and they love the whole cake and balloons thing...and seeing what the birthday child has got.

TheCraicDealer · 12/03/2013 23:20

The thing about my friend was that she and her sister got loads. Her mum would double up on all the "stocking fillers", and the birthday girl would get an extra "big" present. You'd go up to her house and go, "ooh that's a nice Barbie/Furby/Betty Spaghetti/space hopper", and she'd say, "I got it for DSis' birthday". Repeat x 5.

She's not particularly spoilt, but they were cosseted as children.

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 23:20

My children don't get excited because they are getting a present. It doesn't work like that. I know this because of how excited they get for MY occasions. Ds practically frog marches his Dad (my ex and not too amicable either Grin!) to the shops to do stuff for my birthdays and Mothers Day etc. It wouldn't occur to him to expect anything for himself.

I just don't see the harm in TWO exciting birthdays a year instead of just one.

bootsycollins · 12/03/2013 23:21

We used to buy and wrap a little pressie for the non birthday child, they're 19 and 15 now so don't bother, can't remember when we did stop actually, wasn't really a big deal.

Tolly81 · 12/03/2013 23:23

Nope, YANBU. I've never even heard of this it's absolutely mad. It's reasonable for siblings to get a party bag perhaps (obv not usual for baby's first birthday). Only other time I would get sibling a gift is at birth of new baby. I think if dh was insistent I perhaps would make a party bag for elder child rather than making it a present - party bags are a normal thing to get at other children's birthdays (therefore might avoid them starting to "expect" a present), have a few inexpensive toys/bubbles/balloons and will keep them occupied. If you're having any other kids round you could make them one as well.

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 23:23

Oh and the other child's gift is ONE gift whereas the birthday child gets about three or four so there's a clear difference.

TheCraicDealer · 12/03/2013 23:23

Not having a go Akaemma, but how long do you plan to do it for? Until they're 18? 21? 25? Genuinely curious.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/03/2013 23:27

Very few people who are me me me types or do have spoilt little shits as children would actually notice that. They tend to be certain that they are not or there precious little ones are angels.

Rarely you may get one who notices the kids are spirited but its unusual.

And the practice IMO is all the negative words described above. If your child( in the absence of any learning or disability related issue) can not possibly cope with a sibling getting birthday presents on their birthday if they don't also get one, then frankly you've failed in teaching a essential life lesson.

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 23:27

As long as it feels like a nice thing to do. My dc just aren't demanding kids. Maybe that's why I like to do it. They are so careful with their stuff. They remember where each and every item they own came from, who bought it or what occasion. It just feels right for us.

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