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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not give my child a present on their siblings birthday?

184 replies

DeepInTheMeadow · 12/03/2013 22:31

I have two children.

DD(3) and DD9mo. We were discussing tonight what to do for DD2's birthday - decided that we would just be having close family and friends over for afternoon tea cakes.

DH said we should have a present for DD1 as he think she might feel left out with DD2 getting presents and attention.

I think this is ridiculous personally and that it's perhaps sending the wrong message.

I never got presents on my older sisters birthday, DH would get presents on his siblings birthday though.

OP posts:
beginnings · 13/03/2013 07:13

I agree with majabiene upthread. The day is about the birthday child and it does other children no harm at all not to receive anything. Children need to learn it's not always about them and sometimes, it is always about them! With the greatest of respect to others family traditions, I find the idea of receiving a gift on someone else's birthday really quite odd.

BlackAffronted · 13/03/2013 07:19

I buy DD2 a present on DD1s birthday ... but thats because its her brithday too Grin Not twins either! Saying that though, I do not buy DS a present on his sisters birthday and he has never felt left out.

McPheetStink · 13/03/2013 07:25

It's odd, and children need to learn that not every occasion in life is about them. Trust me, you'll be setting the child up for a fall. Unless they share a birthday, they have no instant right to a present. It's not about being left out. They can still be involved in the celebration. But its.not.their.birthday. Period!

It's weird.

I don't understand parents that do this Hmm

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 13/03/2013 07:28

With akaemma and tidy on this... Why not, if you want to?

Think of all the unbirthday presents at Christmas! Much less rationale for that Wink

wonders whether God instigated the tradition to stop us all getting jealous of jEsus getting all the fuss made all the time

Sandthefloor · 13/03/2013 07:29

Well I do buy my DC a small present on their brother's birthday. I chose to do this as I certainly didn't get it from my parents. They still understand that the special day belongs to the birthday boy and take pleasure in watching them opening the presents. For me it is an excuse to buy them something nice not because I think they won't cope without a present

Smetana · 13/03/2013 07:41

My brother is two years and two days older than me, and as a child, I used to get very jealous knowing I had two days to wait for my birthday (which felt like a month) so I can see why people would give a small gift to the other child

McPheetStink · 13/03/2013 07:44

But children need to have, and learn, to deal with these emotions.

It's healthy. And normal.

SneakyNinja · 13/03/2013 07:49

Yanbu, seems to be sending the wrong message to me. A birthday is a day to be spent spoiling the Birthday Child and making them feel special. Siblings will probably learn to take more joy out of doing nice things for other people if they are not getting excited about their own presents iyswim.

ItsintheBag · 13/03/2013 07:49

No we don't buy the other child a gift.

My DD (5) does not take her sibling's birthday well either,she hates that he gets presents.

She'll get over it. Are all girls a headreck?

MerryCouthyMows · 13/03/2013 07:50

I have 4 DC's. I have NEVER got them presents on their siblings birthdays. It teaches them to be happy about what their sibling has got and to be unselfish.

Surely if you do this, you are running the risks of your DC's expecting EVERY event to revolve around them, even when it is someone ELSE's event.

McPheetStink · 13/03/2013 07:54

Agree with all the above

MerryCouthyMows · 13/03/2013 08:00

My 25mo got a bit upset on DD's birthday last week, and has very little understanding if speech due to his SN's, so I couldn't properly explain to him that he had only recently had his presents.

I just kept reiterating that it is DA's birthday, and the presents are for DD, and got him to pass the presents over to her, by having him sat in between us and 'helping' him to pass them over.

By the last few presents, he was clapping his hands when she was opening them.

He learnt that it was nice to give presents as well as to receive them.

dawntigga · 13/03/2013 08:01

As somebody who has a birthday close to Xmas and a fucking mother who use to get an 'unbirthday' present on MY birthday I can tell you I resented it immensely.

TMMVTiggaxx

SneakyNinja · 13/03/2013 08:13

You're Mum used to receive presents on your Birthday Tigga ?!

Sandthefloor · 13/03/2013 08:33

My DC do take lots of joy from watching their brother opening the presents. When it is their day they have no resentment that their brother has a small gift, infant they like the fact that he is getting something too. When they go to other people's parties they would never expect a present it's just with each other. I won't do it forever but at the moment I enjoy doing it.

cory · 13/03/2013 08:54

We never did it; to me, birthdays are times when you get fun from organising things for other people. I used to love my siblings' birthdays because it was so exciting to see them open the presents. I think a consolation present might have given me the message that another person's good fortune was something that you needed comforting about.

My nephew used to get one for a long time, and even as an older child he really struggled with other people's special days, other people's presents, the focus being on other people.

bootsycollins · 13/03/2013 08:55

I'm talking about a small treat, a token gift not a new bike with a big bow on it for the non birthday child, get a grip. The non birthday child receiving a small gift in no way detracts from the birthday child's special day, I'm not talking about throwing a party for the non birthday child and being grabby expecting everybody to buy gifts for non birthday child, I'm talking about a small gift from dh and myself for the non birthday child, it's a personal choice.

I'm surprised that so many negative assumptions are being made over such a small gesture of kindness.

dawntigga · 13/03/2013 09:00

Yes Sneaky there's a whole narcissistic/toxic back story that I won't bore you with. Surprisingly, considering the other stuff I went through, presents are still the only thing that makes me angry. I think it's the only thing that provokes anger now as I think about how The Cub would feel if I did it to him and just don't get how either of them could do it, except I do because on their priority list I came in about 12th, after the tent. The presents and one-upmanship were justified as she had a terrible childhood and it was helping to make up for it or I got gaslighted.

ItWasAllFunAndGamesGrowingUpTiggaxx

fryingpantoface · 13/03/2013 09:15

We never got a present on a sibling's birthday growing up. It wasn't our birthday, so there wasn't any presents for us. I used to get so excited for my brother's birthday I couldn't sleep the night before.

My best friend at the time got presents when it was her sibling's birthday. I remember thinking it was weird, but also wanting a present (what kid wouldn't?)

Should we have another child, they wouldn't be getting gifts for their un-birthday

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 13/03/2013 09:16

What was annoying on my DS's birthday though, was that AFTER SD had opened her little gifts that my dad had wrapped up for her so she "wouldnt feel left out", she kept asking over and over, "Are there any more presents for me?" And when she was told no she was upset, and also tried taking DS's presents to open. She will never learn that other people's birthdays aren't about her when people do that. Same with my two boys, they are 2 and newborn at the moment, and I do not want other people buying them gifts for their sibling's birthdays as it does send out the wrong message.

Sometimes it does more harm than good, but then all children are different.

akaemmafrost · 13/03/2013 09:26

I honestly think if you have a child that behaves in a spoilt and demanding fashion because they received a small gift themselves on their siblings birthdays then other areas of your parenting should be looked at. Eg the case of the nephew who apparently struggles to enjoy other people's occasions because he used to get presents himself. I find it hard to believe that someone would be like this without an awful lot more of indulgent and weak parenting going on.

Also the step daughter earlier on who was demanding and grabby on her siblings birthday. What had she received before on others birthdays to make her like that? What was her upbringing like overall?

My children receive a small gift on the non siblings birthday. It would simply not happen that they would whine and moan because it wasn't as big or elaborate as the effort made for the birthday child.

I think it's absolute nonsense to say that this practice creates spoilt and entitled children. If they're like that there's more going on overall. It's not for everyone and that's fine, it wouldn't occur to me to say you are all big meanies because you don't do this but loads of you have said its "odd" "bizarre" "weird" and that i "can't say no" to my children. No its just a different parenting choice and family tradition to yours.

My ex hated other peoples special occasions well mine anyway and actively tried to spoil them. He never received gifts on his siblings birthdays. Why was he like this?

It's a personal choice and I find it "strange" how het up some people get about it.

choceyes · 13/03/2013 09:29

I do do it when they are very young, too young to reason with. It stops around 4 I think. I have a 4.5yr old and 2.5yr old and I won't be getting the older one a present on his sisters 3rd birthday. I might buy a small thing for DD on DS's birthday, but from then on no more. That's where you draw the line (for people wondering about where it ends).
It's never been a wrapped present, more a small treat for them like a book or a £1 toy car.

choceyes · 13/03/2013 09:30

I agree with you akaemmafrost

bootsycollins · 13/03/2013 09:34

I'm also I full agreement with you akaemmafrost

akaemmafrost · 13/03/2013 09:37

Thank you Smile.